- Get me essentials like, deoderant, razors etc
- Do my clothes shopping
- Pick up my medication
- Pay my bills
- Go to the bank
Now that i could get to the shops i could at least do some things for myself and this increased my confidence. I live in a small village with only a few small shops like a chemist, post office and grocery store so i was still limited in what i could buy but i felt great not having to rely on other people quite so much. I was able to get out a little more than i had for a while but i was still living inside a comfort zone. My agoraphobia doesn't seem to be about the fear of open spaces, or crowds. For me it seems i am just happier in my safe place, my home, and when i go out i don't like to travel far from there. In my head i want to know that if i panic i can get home as quickly as possible. If i was to take a panic attack out side my instant reaction would be to run for home.
I am always interested in hearing how other people with agoraphobia cope with day to day things such as shopping or doctors appointments. All i can say is i am so glad i found the internet! That became my new source for clothes shopping, before then i had other people picking clothes for me and it's not really the same. Also i was lucky in that my doctor would visit me at home but there was also a lot i was missing...
My brother got married and there was no way i was going to be able to make it and if i'm completely honest i didn't even want to try. I'd rather stay at home and avoid putting myself though such an ordeal as i would have had to travel quite some distance to attend.
I have a nephew Luke who is in hospital quite a lot as he has spina bifida. He is the best thing in my life. My family was blessed the day Luke was born. I love him more than words can describe. He is such a character with a heart of gold and he is more like a little brother to me. When Luke was in hospital i didn't visit. Again this was way outside of my comfort zone. This hurt. Luke understood, he's a bright boy, so he didn't expect to see me at the hospital and he didn't hold it against me but i feel the guilt.
Then there's my mum. My mum is my best friend. I know most girls would say the same thing but she genuinley means everything to me. She is one of those people who spends her life putting other people first, always helping people in need. I have such a close relationship with my mum that i sometimes wonder if that's what caused my agoraphobia in the first place. Ever since i was a little girl i didn't like to be away from her for long and it seems this has continued into adulthood. But there is guilt in this relationship too. Guilt that i am her only daughter but she doesn't get to do the mum and daughter type things i know she misses. Going shopping, going for lunch etc. She doesn't have the best health so has to attend the doctors or hospital regularly and i feel i should be there to support her but these places are so far out of my comfort zone that it seems impossible.
Time to seek more help... Push the boundaries even further.