Tuesday, 8 January 2013

Christmas, New Year & New Beginnings

Hello lovely blogland peeps  Let me first say Merry Christmas, Happy New year, Happy Thanksgiving and happy birthday.... if i have missed any other greetings then i apologise profuseley!!! It has been a crazy month and i just have not had the time OR the energy to update my blog so here i am with an overdue update.

So i ended my last post talking about a psychic, a new man and a job.  And since i should keep things in date order to make it simple i will start with the job.

As the winter months approached I found myself and Nathan spending less time outdoors and becoming less active.  As always this was beginning to affect my mood and it was a major case of groundhog day for me.  Every day felt like an exact replica of the one before, and the one before that.  I was getting fed up, anxious and irritable.  What to do?

On facebook one night i noticed a women i know who has a hair salon discussing looking for a new receptionist.  I know the salon was well within my comfort zone, and i already knew the girls who worked there.  Not very well, they have no idea about my agoraphobia, but enough that i wouldnt feel totally out of my depth at my first job in 10 years!! And so i sent the woman i private message and put myself forward.  It was a Thursday night and within about 10 minutes i was told i could start on the Saturday morning.

I was totally delighted.  I knew the work would never be a huge challange but that wasnt what it was about for me.  it was about getting back out there, meeting new people and gaining some confidence!Plus after so many years unempolyed it would be the much needed start to a new CV.

Of course i was worried that i wouldnt be able to do it.  Being tied to appointment times can make me nervous enough so the thought that i would be expected in the salon at a specific time seemed daunting but the fact that i would be expected to stay there for 8 hours and not run home made me really unsure.  But i wanted to do it, i felt i NEEDED it and so i started that Saturday morning and i havent looked back.

It was originally only supposed to be a Saturday i was working, which suited me fine.  It would be breaking me in gently.  But with December being their businest month, i soon found myself working everyday from 9 - 6.  It was tiring and really hard to juggle work and Nathan, but i enjoyed it.  Ive never once felt anxious in the shop.  I feel like my old self before all the anxiety crap started.  I chat away to customers and i have surprised myself with how out going i must seem (if only they knew eh).  No one there knows about my past struggles or my 'agoraphobia' and i dont see why they need to.  It doesnt affect me at all in there and so im just one of the girls.  The christmas 'work night out' could have awkward as it was miles away and i couldnt possible attend, but i couldnt get a baby sitter anyway so i didnt really have to explain that one.

Joining the salon has made it possible for me to meet other girls to socialise with, which was another reason i was keen on the position.  There are about 7 regular staff members and its been great being girly again and catching up on the latest gossip.  One Sunday night we all decided to head to the pub for some karaoke.  After a few dodgy numbers from myself i spotted a guy i knew across the bar.  This guy had always caught my eye, and for some reason i had always imagined he would be ideal for me.

He came over to join me and we got chatting, for some reason a voice in my head was niggling that i should ask for his number.  I felt that if i didnt just take the oppurtinity to do it, id regret it.  So i came out with it (how very brazen!!) and he looked delighted.  So obviously this was the man i had mentioned in my last post.  I could go into detail here but to be honest its pretty pointless.  he was lovely, and everything i thought he would be.  An absolute gentleman, polar opposite of what i was used to.  Wine, Flowers, chocolates, compliment after compliment.  He was everything i have always wanted in a guy and i couldnt believe i had found it. He accepted me 100% as i am, or at least he said he did, but in the end i just didnt want it.  Ive gotten quite used to being on my own with Nathan and im enjoying it.  For far too long i was living my life, firstly for Nathan, and second for my ex.  And its been nice to just have some 'me' time again.  So im keeping it that way for a while or at least till i meet someone who really sweeps me off my feet and so far thats just not happened.

So December was proving to be a really tough month with work, and Nathan and christmas approaching.  I was sensing Nathan was changing towards me but i knew it was just because i was suddenly away all the time.  he didnt understand what was going on and he was becoming quite clingy and very moody! So it was either my absence or the start of the terrible twos uh oh.  Guilt crept in as it always does, that not only was he not getting enough stimulation everyday, but now he wasnt getting to see me enough and it was at this point that my friend made a lovely suggestion.

She reminded me of a nursery right next to my work where Nathan would be able to join when he turned 2.  yeh it would be private and i would have to pay for it, but the fees werent too ridiculous and it was absolutely worth it to get Nathan socialising with other children and of course to get his education started.  I went for a meeting hoping we would be put on a waiting list and would hear back asap but even better i was told he could start the following week.  Nathan now attends nursery every Monday and Wednesday afternoon and he absolutely loves it.  He is mixing with his own little friends, getting involved in all sorts of activities like arts & crafts etc and it came at the perfect time for christmas.  he had his christmas party and he got to meet Santa and his reindeer.  I have loved seeing his confidence grow, never a shy boy, but im proud as punch watching him interact with his class mates.  The moods swings havent been so bad and he actually claps his hands when he seens us approach the nursery building so im pretty confident i made the right decision with this one.

The psychic, again ill keep this brief.  I have seen psychics before and have always seen it as a bit of fun, not something to take too seriously, but its been a long time since i had a reading and i fancied getting another one done.  It was also an excuse to have all the girls round to mine for drinks and food and just have a laugh.  So i booked a guy who came recommended and we all got together to hear our predicitons.

As with most of my readings theres a lot wrong, and also a lot right.  He began with 'well Lynn i see your a bit of a party animal', clearly he could not be more wrong.  I was getting ready to be thoroughly disappointed but he soon went into discussing my last relationship and the fact i went through a difficult time.  He knew all about court and went on to describe what had happened to me and the mental, physical abuse that occured.  Then there was a slight contradiction where he said 'the relationship is rekindling and in January the same thing will happen again (i.e i will be physically hit), but then said in April i will be buzzing because i will have stuck to my guns and won the battle with my ex.  I wont have taken him back and i will be a much stronger person because of it.  The January part really scared me and for a few days i was understanably nervous but im over it now.  I know it wont happen because im not daft enough to put myself in a position where it COULD happen.  Watch this space.

So Christmas was very welcome as it meant that the madness of work was over.  Finally i was off and had absolutely nothing to do for a few days.  Bliss!!  Also throughout december the jewellery business really took off so juggling all these things together was an absolute nightmare so when christmas arrived i was more than ready to put my feet up and eat myself into oblivian!  I enjoyed a nice meal with my mum and then went home with Nathan to play with all the goodies Santa had generously left that morning.  As New Year approached i decided i wanted to go out.  Having spent many many new Years at home, anxious, panicking, i felt i wanted to make the most of getting out and enjoying myself.  I managed to get tickets for a pub near by and expected to meet lots of girls i knew once i was there.  The place was jumping but i didnt know as many people as i thought.  However, i was glad i went and brought in 2013 with a smile, a drink and some bagpipes.  Scottish style!!

So did you guys make any New Year resolutions??  Ive never bothered before but this year i made the half hearted decision that i would finally quit cigarettes.  Ive been a smoker for 15 years now and i LOVE my ciggys.  My whole day was based around 'fag breaks', quite sad really.  But i used to really look forward to when Nathan went to bed and i would get my feet up and happily puff away till my heart was content.  For years though it has been taking its toll, and more recently i was getting worried about my breathing.  I couldnt walk far at all without being breathless, way more breathless than a girl of my age should be!  I would wake up maybe 2 or 3 times a night purely to smoke infact i could list many many bad points to my habit but why go on.  At the end of the day we all know that smoking is bad for us and we should stop!  So the 1st of January came and with a packet of fags in my pocket i decided i would just carry on.  I LOVED smoking.  I really didnt want to stop, and so i felt that while i loved it so strongly, there was no point in trying to quit because i would just fail at the first hurdle.

I dont really know what happened.  Maybe it was the state of my breathing and the fact i had to pysically stop walking to fill my lungs but on the 2nd of January i smoked my last cigarette.  I kept my packet and told myself that if i really wanted one, id have one, but to just give it a go.  Really see how long you can go without one.  That first day was hard, cigarettes and smoke and nicotine was all i thought about.  Day 2 was the same.  But my stubborn streak took over and i knew then and there that i would never be a smoker again.  if i had already made it 48 hours without a cigarette then surely i had made it through the most difficult part.  Surely thats when my cravings would be the strongest? I did have a little help though, i had heard about the electronic cigarettes and how they can help you to quit, so when i was REALLY desperate for a smoke on day 2, i went and bought one and it totally worked!  As i sucked on that thing with all my might i felt myself relax and the craving subside.  I used it again when i was having a tough time but as the days passed i started to use it less and less.  That was a week ago.  I am now a non smoker.  I am SO proud of myself. I have to say for me it has been easy.  Much easier than i ever imagined it would be.  Which is what put me off trying to stop in the first place.  Yes there were tough times, but they are totally managable with distraction and will power.  To be sitting here now, not stinking of smoke, with ashtray breath, smelly clothes and genuinley not wanting a cigarette, its been more than worth it.  Im finding it much easier to breathe already.  Im noticing changes when im out walking.  I look healthier!  Im no longer an attractive shade of grey when i get up in the morning, and i just know im going to notice more and more benefits.  Its only been a week so i dont want to get to ahead of myself but i know myself, and i know i have cracked it.  I have no desire to smoke again but am loving the fact that every day my body gets a little cleaner.  Nathan will never look at his mum with a cigarette hanging out her mouth or have her smokey breath all over him.  Why would i want to change that?

It surprised me how strong i was, how stubborn.  It has reminded me what is possible when we REALLY put our minds to something.  A few months ago i wrote a post describing the feeling of dread as the winter months approached.  I was anxious about the weather, but seasonal depression.  I was forward thinking and expecting a really dull and gloomy time but here we are in January, the worst of our winter passing, and i feel great.  I have been active and sociable, resposible, happy, confident.  I feel this post was over due as i like you guys to know whats been happening but i also feel it really isnt anxiety or agoraphobia based, which is what you come here to read is it not?  I hope that you have stepped into 2013 with confidence in mind.  I am looking forward to the summer which i LOVE and im looking forward to new challenges.  Hopefully we can share them together x