The Internet

I always have spent a lot of time in my bedroom. Mostly this is because i like my own space and because i can do my own thing, watch what i want on tv etc but then i got myself a computer and i found a new way to occupy myself.

I could spend hours on the internet. Surfing websites or chatting and i found it was something i really enjoyed. I also joined a few sites like Faceparty and Myspace and suddenly i was back in touch with people i hadn't been able to see in a while.

There are a lot of people who are sceptical about meeting people online and even more sceptical about meeting those people in person, but thats what i done. I continued to have a social life all be it from the comfort of my own home but i have to say agoraphobia has never affected my ability to pull. I was able to get boyfriends without leaving the house. This amazed many people. None more so than me! I met a boy and we started a relationship. He knew all about me problems and seemed to accept them. We only lasted 8 months but once again i can say with my hand on my heart that agoraphobia was not the cause of our break up. I still think it is a good way to meet people. I always say you could meet someone in a club where the music is loud and you can't hear each other talk, but online you can spend hours talking and getting to know each other. Usually you will cover so much more talking online and discuss things that wouldn't be discussed in person for a long time.

So the internet provided me a social life in some ways, online and offline. My parents worried that it was unhealthy. That by having this new life from my own bedroom i would lose the need to leave the house at all. I would argue that this certainly isn't the case. Yes i could spend hours talking and having fun, but when the weekends came my online buddies would disappear. They were off out living their lives. They were going to the cinema, going for meals, going clubbing etc. Then they'd come home and i would hear about all the fun they had. So if anything it made me MORE determind to get out because i could see what i was missing.

I wanted to include this part about the internet because it has been the source of many a debate in my house. I just wanted to show that it isn't ALWAYS unhealthy. There have been times when i have been very low and i have opened up to someone online about whats on my mind. I have discussed things that i hadn't talked to anyone else about and came offline feeling refreshed and happier. So like i said before i am very VERY glad that i discovered the internet!

Housebound

(Above - Me and My Nephew Luke, He's more like my little brother)

So i was living at my mums and by now i was scared to leave the house at all. I live in a small cul-de-sac but i couldn't even walk to the end of my street. I often wondered if i was the only agoraphobic who actually felt claustrophobic too? My whole existance was living in this small house and i was feeling very trapped.

When things are at a low point for me i try to remind myself that i am still lucky and life isn't so bad. Thing's could be so much worse. At least i have a roof over my head and food on the table. I am surrounded my family and friends that i love and unfortunately not everyone has that. So i think reminding myself of what i DO have instead of what i don't is what keeps me feeling positive.

I knew that i couldn't just give into the agoraphobia. I was in my early 20s and this was no way to live my life so i needed to push the boundaries. I started doing small things like just spending time in the garden. From there i decided to try walking to the bottom of the street. I remembered Donna telling me that when i was out, if i was feeling anxious i should distract myself by focusing on something else. So as crazy as it sounds i used to walk to the bottom of my street and count the lampposts that i passed. Eventually i made it.

I was lucky in that i had my mum with me on these walks and so i had support incase i did panic. Eventually over the course of a few weeks i had managed to make it to the local shops which i felt made a huge difference to my life. Before i was able to get the the shops i relied on family and friends to do pretty much everything for me.

• Get me essentials like, deoderant, razors etc


• Do my clothes shopping


• Pick up my medication


• Pay my bills


• Go to the bank

Now that i could get to the shops i could at least do some things for myself and this increased my confidence. I live in a small village with only a few small shops like a chemist, post office and grocery store so i was still limited in what i could buy but i felt great not having to rely on other people quite so much. I was able to get out a little more than i had for a while but i was still living inside a comfort zone. My agoraphobia doesn't seem to be about the fear of open spaces, or crowds. For me it seems i am just happier in my safe place, my home, and when i go out i don't like to travel far from there. In my head i want to know that if i panic i can get home as quickly as possible. If i was to take a panic attack out side my instant reaction would be to run for home.

I am always interested in hearing how other people with agoraphobia cope with day to day things such as shopping or doctors appointments. All i can say is i am so glad i found the internet! That became my new source for clothes shopping, before then i had other people picking clothes for me and it's not really the same. Also i was lucky in that my doctor would visit me at home but there was also a lot i was missing...

My brother got married and there was no way i was going to be able to make it and if i'm completely honest i didn't even want to try. I'd rather stay at home and avoid putting myself though such an ordeal as i would have had to travel quite some distance to attend.

I have a nephew Luke who is in hospital quite a lot as he has spina bifida. He is the best thing in my life. My family was blessed the day Luke was born. I love him more than words can describe. He is such a character with a heart of gold and he is more like a little brother to me. When Luke was in hospital i didn't visit. Again this was way outside of my comfort zone. This hurt. Luke understood, he's a bright boy, so he didn't expect to see me at the hospital and he didn't hold it against me but i feel the guilt.

Then there's my mum. My mum is my best friend. I know most girls would say the same thing but she genuinley means everything to me. She is one of those people who spends her life putting other people first, always helping people in need. I have such a close relationship with my mum that i sometimes wonder if that's what caused my agoraphobia in the first place. Ever since i was a little girl i didn't like to be away from her for long and it seems this has continued into adulthood. But there is guilt in this relationship too. Guilt that i am her only daughter but she doesn't get to do the mum and daughter type things i know she misses. Going shopping, going for lunch etc. She doesn't have the best health so has to attend the doctors or hospital regularly and i feel i should be there to support her but these places are so far out of my comfort zone that it seems impossible.

Time to seek more help... Push the boundaries even further.