Wednesday, 15 September 2010

Bump and Bus Journeys

Hi all from me and my ever expanding waistline! As you can see from the picture above I am getting bigger by the day. I would say im loving it but it is defo a love hate relationship i am having with my tummy. Not the baby of course, who I already adore, but the BUMP.

Pregnancy wise I guess I am doing ok. All the fears i experienced at the start have mostly gone. I wasn't actually scared of labour or being a mum, just scared of being pregnant in general. Would i cope with the fact that I would be growing and not able to control it, or would I like the feeling of a little baby wriggling around inside me? I couldn't help think of that scene in Alien when the Alien claws its way out of someones stomach. Luckily the pregnancy has been ok. Yes I have suffered ridiculous heartburn which has driven me insane but apart from that I have had no major problems. Well... at my scan I was told I have placenta previa, don't know if I mentioned that before. Basically my placenta was sitting very low and needs to move up as it could be blocking the babies exit. I go back at 34 weeks for another scan to see if it has moved and if not, I may need to get a C section. I don't know why I'm not overly concerned about this, I just think i will cross that bridge when I come to it. Also I was told I was high risk of having a baby with downs. A one in 74 chance. Again, i am not worrying myself about it, there is no point. The baby is here to stay regardless of this and so i will just need to wait to the birth to find out. Sorry if i have already mentioned both of these things but i have baby brain and cant remember and am too lazy to go back and read what I have wrote previously, hey at least I'm honest ha. Oh and I have sciatica now so i cant really walk anywhere, i just hobble! I noticed in a shop today that they had walking sticks for sale and i seriously considered buying one as the pain is really not nice but i resisted. So many my pregnancy hasn't been THAT straight forward after all.

Ok so the house move. When I wrote last I hadn't spent a night at home alone and I really wasn't sure how I would cope. Well I needn't have worried because I have been here for almost a month now and 99% of the time i am here alone. Gerald has stayed a couple of times but mainly I'm just pottering about myself. I cant even remember my first night alone clearly but with the pregnancy I am pretty exhausted and I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. I have a great routine and the house is always spotless as i am alone all the time. I go to bed early, and get up early. Do some chores for about half an hour and that's everything done. Changed days to when i would be up will 4am with anxiety and would happily sleep the day away! I go to the supermarket and domy shopping like a 'normal' person. (although this can still have me a wee bit flustered) I have had no anxiety, no panic attacks, nothing. I am amazed at how easily I have settled in and just pray it stays that way. I pop round to my mums everyday so i cant say i miss home too much and I have friends visiting regularly so its all good. I would say i can get quite bored and even lonely at times. I think if I wasn't pregnant I would probably get myself a little dog, or I would be looking for something outside of the home to keep me busy. but I know in a few months i will have a wee baby here and wont have a minute to spare so I'm telling myself to just enjoy the 'me' time.

So since things are going so well and i am anxiety free I pretty much sound like a 'recovered' agoraphobic but that's not really true, the problems are still there. My support worker and I are still working on me travelling on my own using public transport. On past trips I have got the bus and headed homeward on it, which seemed quite easy. But we decided that next time I would get this bus outward bound. This seemed to scare me more basically because I might be anxious and once off the bus i wouldn't be back in my safety zone, i would be stranded. It was decided that I would catch the bus and Margaret would meet me at a bus stop and drive me home. On the planned day i was pretty nervous and as I stood waiting for the bus I wanted to cancel. I knew Margaret would be parked waiting for me and so many times I wanted to call her and tell her i couldn't do it, but I fought with myself and stayed put. Finally a bus arrived and I got on and took my seat. Ok this wasn't so bad really. Margaret would be waiting for me, I can do this after all. Suddenly I noticed my phone flashing in my bag, quickly answering, it was Margaret telling me she was parked in Riverview Industrial Park. 'WHERE'??? I had NO idea where that was and as far as I was aware it was nowhere near where I thought she would be. I had 2 choices, stay on the bus and get off where planned, hoping that I could direct Margaret there by phone asap... or i could get off the bus before I was taken further into the danger zone haha. I jumped up, catching my jacket in the process, wrestling to get free i bolted for the front of the bus and got off. All the while Margaret was still on the phone and getting into a panic worrying that she had let me down. It was only once i was off the bus that I realised I was now stranded.. outside of my safe zone... with no one there to help and this was NOT place i would usually be walking! Pounding heart 'OK Margaret I'm off the bus you need to start driving back towards my house NOW', dizziness 'I am panicking a little I'm going to start walking home as fast as I can, please hurry'. I put the phone down and i told myself 'STOP IT'! Stop panicking! I wasn't THAT far away, yes it was new ground to cover on foot and yes i wasn't very comfortable but i could freak out or I could get a grip and make the journey a lot easier. And suddenly I was ok. ( wasn't exactly fine, but i was well enough to walk at a normal pace and not lose my nerve. Before I knew it, i was back home and Margaret pulled up in her car. Poor Margaret I think she was more anxious than me in the end.

So it wasn't exactly a success that day but i got into her car and took her to where she would need to wait for me when i try the bus journey again. With that clear i feel better about the next time we give it a bash. I was just grateful she didn't ask me to do it then and there because that might have been a bit too much for my nerves.

Other news, the Adult literacy course I was involved in. Remeber I started the course where i would be helping adults who have problems with reading, writing or numbers? I went for one day and loved the course, looked forward to the coming weeks, but at the last minute the tutor told us they were relocating to an area which was quite simply beyond me. I told them the truth about my agoraphobia and they said they would be in touch when another course started in the location i was comfortable with. Thankfully I received a letter yesterday to say the new course starts in October and they would like me as a tutor so that was great news. Will get me out the house and keep me busy. I just hope the pregnancy doesnt affect it what with me being pretty exhausted , but ill give it a really good go!

I think thats all for now, I cant think of any big news or any events to talk about but as always I hope you are all well and happy. Untill next time xx

P.S = someone just pointed out that i sound single on this. They asked if Gerry and I have split as i talk about being on my own. Thats mainly down to his work. he works every night and does long shifts which is why i am alone, and since he works through the night he sleeps all day...and so I am alone then too. Thought I would clear that up lol

Sunday, 12 September 2010


I have written before about a website that I used to save downloads. I had made these downloads available to all readers of the blog. The downloads include relaxation Audio, Audio specifically aimed at Agoraphobia and also Ebooks.

The website has no closed and people have still been asking me if the downloads are available so I have found a new website that offers online storage.

If you are looking to download any of the mentioned items just head to Sign in with the email address and use the password blogger.

I will write a proper post in the next couple of days with all updates and news. Hope you are all well x