Thursday, 25 September 2008

More of the same

Where has this sudden determination come from? Is it me or could Paul McKenna be working? Maybe its a mixture of both?? However, i thought i would do a short update to say things have been continuing very very well. I have been out everyday and even weirder i have been ENJOYING it. I have been painting, gardening (cutting the hedge was hillarious, didnt realise how big a wimp i am, my arms are aching!!) decorating in the home, cycling and pushing my boundaries, keeping on top of housework everyday. I dont understand the sudden change but i am making the most of it. I know i have been through times similar to this before and then the anxiety has come back and set me back but this time i refuse to give in. If i need a week in bed to 'sort out my head' ill take it but i wont beat myself up about it. I know the good days come back and right now im very happy. Today i was back at the shops. Thats now 3 times in one week after months of not going near the place, so i am very happy right now.

The other night i was very anxious. I knew it would happen. But i just rolled with the punches and let my body do it's thing. I will continue to update my diary everyday and listen to Paul McKenna.

I plan doing a task everyday, the weather has been good so thats certainly helped but even when it rains im making myself GO OUT. Usually i would just hide under the covers. I know the only way to beat this will be lots and lots of effort and only i can do it. No one is gonna wave a magic wand and make me better so i may as well get on with things. It could take years and years but i dont care. Tonight i have my nephew and then tomorrow my other 2 nephews are getting dropped off so ill be busy. Long may the progress continue.

Monday, 22 September 2008

Feeling very chuffed!

The last few times i have written i may have sounded a little bit down. I was feeling more and more agoraphobic and was anxious that i was slipping into being housebound again. I always told myself i wouldnt let this happen. But after a summer of little progress i was very disappointed with myself.

Lately though i've fought to get my determination back. As i mentioned before, i have downloaded Paul McKennas Agoraphobia recordings. I am listening to this everyday (when i remember). I have also been trying to sort out my routine and sleeping pattern. To be honest i am still up late at night but i am forcing myself to get up earlier and earlier each day. Having a longer day means i have more time to focus on things and attempt tasks. Along with this i write everything in my diary. I note down all my achievements for the day. This can be the smallest silliest thing but it makes me feel like i have acomplished something and gives you a sense of worth. Like... today i got up early, well done me. Then done laundry, cleaned the house, cooked dinner, had a bath etc etc. Obviously on top of this i want to write about going out.

I have been seeing my support worker, Liz, every wednesday. Mostly Liz and I just chat about my week and maybe plan somethings for the week ahead. To get me back into the habit of going out everyday we started with a small task which would be quite easy for me. The task is that i have to stand at my back gate for a few times a day. When i feel comfortable i will walk down to the next gate, then the next day i will try to go further and further and so on. This only began last wednesday but for the past 5 days i have done it. I have walked further than just the next gate and have pushed it each time.

On days when i have been up early i have thought... ok now what do i do? I have actually giving myself work. Instead of sitting in bed on my laptop or lying watching tv i am active. I am cleaning, i am painting! and even the other day i began stripping wallpaper in the spare room ready for it to be decorated.

For a while i was able to go to my mums friends near by or even to the local shops. It has been months since i have made it to the shops and the more i thought about it the more the task seemed way too big. Infact i was focusing on going out so much that it was feeling more and more impossible. Eventually Liz said maybe i am focusing on it too much. Its all i was thinking about. The task seemed huge and scary and i wasnt getting anywhere, literally. So i stopped. I allowed myself to chill out and not think about it ALL the time. It has defo eased the pressure and since then i have WANTED to go out more. I have had the urge.

Anyway this morning i got up, got dressed and cleaned the house from top to toe. Then i decided i would go out on my bike. I was on the phone to my boyfriend as i cycled. I had my earphones on so i must have looked like a lunatic cycling along talking to myself but i didnt care. Very quickly i was able to say to him.... i can see the shops. He made the mistake of asking the question 'So how do you feel'? I guess i dont like to focus on that cos suddenly u can think 'Well actually i feel scared so im gonna bolt'. I got off the phone and turned the bike around and headed home. After that i went in another direction and did ok. Didnt exactly push myself but my excuse is... well i am out anyway, this alone is progress as usually id be lying around the house. Then i decided to try and get to my mums friends. I did it! I went there said hi. they made me a coffee but i wasnt really up for hanging around haha. I was just happy enough that i actually MADE it there at all. When i left there i got back on the bike and the next thing i knew i was at the shops. As i said it has been MONTHS since i have achieved that. At least 4 months anyway. I am proud and i am feeling happy. So i am determind to keep it up. I will be back out on my bike tomorrow, but for now i am exhausted haha. The photo is me at the shops. I look rough and so do the shops haha.