Hello lovely people, how are you all?
A very positive Lynn here, things are going well :)
Ive stuck to my previous plans as described. Doing more and getting back out into the world again. Taking Nathan to his play groups, on play dates with friends.
Also instead of ruling out new friendships with the usual mindset 'I wont pursue this friendship as i wont be able to do the things they want', i am opening myself up and letting things happen naturally. I'm not putting the walls up and pulling away. I'm remembering that I have something to offer people, and that if they are going to be part of my life they will accept me as i am. And i am hopeful that i will be doing more and more and breaking more barriers may they be related to anxiety, habits or relationships.
No doubt i have been in a 'rut', whether that is down to my old habits of avoidance and playing it safe, or if its partly down to being in a baby bubble and all consumed by motherhood, i don't know. But i can feel myself moving beyond this now and i am very excited.
New friendships are suddenly happening with several people from all different areas in my life. Some I've met through Nathan, some Ive met through friends i already have and some completely out of the blue and its really lovely. This in itself give me a confidence boost and adds to this feeling of 'growth' that i have. Does that make sense? I really feel like I'm growing as a person on so many levels. I have a strong sense that i am moving away from my old way of life into something new and much more fulfilling, and i have this feeling in my gut, like there's a little light burning, and its just getting brighter.
Ive made myself reconnect with lots of people and stop hiding away. I'm in touch with a much larger group of people now and through this have started to get more involved in their plans. My closest friend has recently had a baby and has gone on a huge health kick. Shes joined the local gym and has been going to classes most nights. I used to love the gym and just before Nathan was born i was pretty much hooked on keeping fit and went to the odd 'body attack' class. Back then it wasn't about losing weight, but more about enjoying the natural high that i gained through exercise.
I missed this part of my life. The first year of a baby being born is pretty crazy. Its absorbs your whole being and normality pretty much goes out the window. I always knew as Nathan got older i would slowly get back into things but its amazing how quickly hes grown up. To me hes still brand new! But the reality is hes grown up so much in the last 15 months and im slowly emerging into a life where i can actually do something for me. Don't get me wrong, i could have done this before but just didn't have it in me. Again, this could be for many reasons, but now seems like a good time. Nathan goes to bed at 7.30 and so from then on, the night is mine. He very rarely wakes up so i have the odd hour or 2 to spare if I'm not completely wiped out. So when my friend suggested i joined her at a class, i agreed.
It was quite strange going through the usual bedtime routine, knowing that i was going out once Nathan was asleep. Change in routine can unsettle anyone and i definitely had an uncomfortable feeling in my tummy. 7.30 is usually when i start to wind down. That's when i flop onto the couch and mentally shut down. But instead i was throwing on sports gear and getting ready to go HULA HOOPING for an hour! Yes... Hula Hooping!
I drove to the Sport centre myself and met the girls in there. Mentally taking note that only a few short weeks ago i wasn't comfortable with the drive there. And 6 of us took on a 'power hooping class'. The class itself had about 25 people involved and although some of the girls were a bit nervous, i was actually feeling ok. Even better when i realised i could actually hula with the best of them. We had a really good laugh and when i left i was buzzing that i had gone and done it. Because there were definitely a few times before hand when i could have pulled out and just flopped in front of the tv instead.
Since my days of 'body attack' classes id been hearing more and more about Zumba and had decided i wanted to give this ago too. So 2 nights later i was throwing on the sports clothes once again and off to take another class. Again we laughed our heads of as this crazy instructor put us through an hour of madness!! We were a sight to behold trying to keep up with her. But its not so much the classes i have enjoyed. Its just getting out there and having some time for me. Being with the girls and destressing. But of course the natural high you gain from exercising is obviously doing me some good. After only 2 classes im aching to get back and to be honest i think id be going much more if it was possible. Ive found myself driving home afterwards and thinking 'awwww i dont want to go home yet, i want to stay and talk!!'. Theres not really much time for talking when your shimmying around with a hulahoop or doing salsa. But i cant wait for the next class. I might also think about seeing the girls in another setting but we are all mummies and it can be quite hard to arrange.
There have been a few tough challenges like going into a supermarket i hadn't been in for a while. I chose the longest queue to stand in and its the most anxious i have felt in a long time. I did really struggle with negative thoughts and a few times really wanted to bolt. But i stayed put. Running away is not the answer. That's how all the avoidance crap starts. So i stayed and shook and wobbled and sweated until i was finally served. I wish i could say i was buzzing afterwards, but really my wee legs were trembling and i just walked away feeling a bit exhausted. I guess on a positive note i could have chosen to go home right away but instead i opted to drive the long way home. Not quite sure if i could handle it, imagining it going wrong, visualising full blown panic but of course none of that happened and it was just another little experience to add to my 'Oh look you thought you would freak out and you didn't' pile!
This experience was closely followed by driving out of my comfort zone only for my car to break down. My unreliable car grrrrr. Id been driving around for an hour with no problems, went into a shop and when i came out and started my car, it wouldn't go. Luckily i wasn't alone, but i still got a bit nervous. Having experience car troubles before i thought i needed a jump start. So i was looking around for another driver who might be able to help me. Nope no cars in sight. Hmmm ok (heart pounding). I thought over my options. I could completely lose the plot and panic. Or i could deal with this rationally. So as a distraction i got the jump leads set up on the car so that should a car appear i was ready for action. (Heart pounding). A women arrived in a car YEY!!! Well she didn't seem to keen on helping and acted like she was in a bit of a hurry. I was a total inconvenience but to be honest i didn't care. She was in a borrowed car and couldn't work out how to open her bonnet. So i climbed in and looked EVERYWHERE. This women was my way of escape. Her car was my saviour!! But could i open her bonnet? No i couldn't. And so i had to tell her just to go. That was hard haha. Watching her drive off. So i called for a taxi. Waiting while your on the edge of panic is so not easy, but i figured i better do something and knowing a ride home was on the way id keep it together. So i waited and i waited (heart pounding, head racing). Oh bugger this i was imagining running to the shop and asking where there toilet was. Bolting into it, shutting the door and freaking out. But instead i just calmly walked in and asked if there was perhaps someone who could help me. After much chatter between men about what could be wrong with the car (HURRY UP ARRRGGHH), they decided i just needed them to push it. So they described what i was to do (keep the clutch down, stay in second gear and when they shouted go... take my foot off the clutch. A bump start basically) Well when your a bag or nerves, coordination isn't that great but we did it. They got me going and as i drove off i seen my taxi arriving, oops, but there was no going back. On reflection i did actually stay calm, although on the inside i was screaming. Also its a good experience to add to my pile. Ok the car broke down and you coped, and you would cope again.
An unreliable car does limit what i do in some ways. I'm not too keen to try anything major in the fear it happens again, but once its fixed ill lose that nervousness.
And so that's about all i have to tell you. I am completely shattered these days and blogs etc have been neglected but i get round to it eventually. I'm am looking forward to tomorrow and next week and basically just accepting all the good things coming my way. Like attracts like doesn't it, and so I'm happy and positive and buzzing. Lets see what happens x