Tuesday, 29 January 2008

Relationship Breakdown

(Above - Neil, complete with funny hat)

My relationship with Neil had been going through a rough patch. We could have some very vocal arguements and during one of these fights Neil told me to move back into my mums. I knew he wasn't really serious but i decided to go anyway. I was more than happy to stay back in the family home. I was very comfortable there and even better i could be with my mum a lot. Neil regretted having asked me to leave but we continued our relationship anyway. It soon became an issue though. Not only had i stopped going out altogether but it meant that Neil was now living alone and if he wanted to see his girlfriend he had to visit her at her parents. I felt so bad. Very, very guilty. We used to do so much together but suddenly Neil was attending weddings, parties etc on his own. He would be surrounded by couples and he really didn't like it. Also now that i was basically house bound i couldn't get to the flat we had bought together. So we broke up. I can honestly say that agoraphobia was not responsible for the break up of my relationship with Neil. There were a lot of different issues but i do think it stopped me from making the effort that Neil deserved.
For Neil i would say his life moved in a positive direction. He is now with another girl and they are expecting their first baby together. I would never hear a bad word said about him. He was fantastic to me and had the patience of a saint. I will always be greatful for everything he did for me.
Losing Neil will always be a big thing for me. He was a huge part of my life. In the end we were together for about 9 years. He was my best friend. My protector. I relied on Neil to make me feel better, to keep me feeling safe. Suddenly i was on my own and i MISSED him. But i knew it was for the best and i knew that i had to get better for me! To rely on nobody but myself. Otherwise how would i cope when there was no one around?


SarahC♥ said...

Found your blog through "My wife has agoraphobia". I have agoraphobia and panic attacks too and have done for the last 10 years!