Sunday, 5 January 2014

Hello 2014 the year of... ME

Oh yes this will be my year. It's going to be filled with positivity and happiness and wonderful new experiences and joy and laughter and ..... Well it better be cause 2013 SUCKED

Ok I I'm more of a 'glass half full' kind of girl so I'd like to focus on the GOOD from last year. 

1. I survived it 
2. I survived another year as a mother which deserves even more credit as it was the year of the 'terrible twos'
3. I stayed sane. 
4. I kicked out my cheating, draining, manipulative boyfriend. 
5. I had some good times with friends. 
6. Attended all important events in my son Nathan's life. 
7.  Had a lovely Christmas.. Kind of

I'm sure there are more but I'm picking those off the top of my head. The year started off difficult in my unhappy relationship. Nathan's dad was there in body but not in mind. I've always felt I raise Nathan alone and so for much of the time I was very very tired. 

When I finally found out that Gerry, the boyfriend, was cheating again. I kicked him out and took great pride in that. I knew it was the right thing to do and that now my life could only get better, right? 

Well what followed was just more stress, which I wrote about in the previous post. Arguments and access agreements along with trying to adjust to life without him.. Again. It's definitely possible to love someone and hate them at the same time. 

In the past few months we have drifted further apart. Contact has been limited but I've watched as Gerry moves away (through work). Starts a new relationship and generally seems quite happy. And that's where I struggle. 

How come I'm still upset? How come I'm stuck in the past, reminiscing about the good times?  There weren't that many and yet I can't let go. I'm sick of people saying to me 'you need to move on'. That's a lot easier said than done!  I loved that guy. I was engaged to be married for a reason and I had his baby. He hurt me over and over and over and I kept on taking him back. Was it love or was it low self respect? Even now I'm not entirely sure. But I'll admit there have been times in the last few months when is still have welcomed him home. 

All reason and rational thinking goes out the window. I was never happy, he was never supportive. In fact he was the opposite!  My agoraphobia was a MASSIVE issue and ended up being his reason for all the things he did to me. Genuine reason or poor cop out? You decide. 

But I think what makes me weak is missing that sense of belonging. Missing the 'family' set up. Feeling a part of something. So from 5 years with a guy I loved more than I have ever loved anyone. Talking about marriage. Having our son. Planning more. Looking to the future. Well from all that 'familiarity' I'm
Suddenly on my own. 

Huge positives can be gained from this!  I am no longer often in tears. I'm no longer living a life where I am walking on egg shells. I no longer expect some random woman to contact me through facebook or whatever to tell me she's sleeping with my partner. I can watch what I want on tv without my choice of program being critised. I can go see friends and family whenever I like without being times then given into trouble for taking so long.  Reestablish friendships that had been neglected. Invite whoever I want into my own home. I had freedom!!! 

But with the highs come the lows. God it's boring at times. And wow it is lonely. 

Being agoraphobic I don't have lots and lots of friends. But at 32, my friends are all living their own lives. They are married with kids or have careers going on which means they aren't always available. I have some friends where i can call them for a chat but they don't really invite me to so anything as they probably expect it to be outwith my comfort zone. If only they knew that I'd be happy even to visit then in their home before I go insane with the tedium of everything being the same humdrum routine day in and day out. 

I had a brief period last year when I felt so stressed that I really felt something was going to give. I felt I needed to speak to someone about my stress levels and get it under control and fast. But I'm realising I do actually understand my body really well now and when this stuff happens I feel able to cope and get through.

Ever since my last post I've been fine. Nathan is probably the main factor. With a little boy to raise you just have to keep going and step up to the mark. I am always very aware that I should be doing more but I am also very aware that I'm also doing really well under the circumstances. 

I've taken Nathan to nursery everyday on my own, even when I've wanted to avoid it. I've attended all meeting with the child psychologist regarding his behaviour issues (possible autism although still undiagnosed) 
We have played together. Walked. Laughed. And all the usual things, done the shopping, visited friends and family. And he's a happy little boy of whom I am very very proud. 

I've allowed his dad access when I've been crippled with anxiety about letting him go. 

And at Christmas I was able to spoil him rotten with a ridiculous amount if gifts and enjoyed every second if creating magical memories. Just us. 

In a way I am really proud that I've managed to keep it together. We have a lovely home which is always spotless. Nathan is always well dressed and presentable. To an outsider we are just a normal little family and it's nice. And I tell myself in so lucky and fortunate for all these things. And I need to also appreciate that every day I'm away from my ex, it's another step in the right direction. Another step towards peace, happiness and strength. 

And so I begin this year still single. I have thought about starting new relationships but tell myself to take this time to focus on me. Focus on Nathan. These special years together, as they pass so quickly. It would be fantastic to meet someone new who accepted me, my son, my anxiety, my limitations. But I'm realistic and I know that's a lot to take on. A few months ago things were bad with the ex and there were lawyers involved so it definitely wasn't the right time. Yes I have found myself signing up to 'internet dating' but I ask myself how that's going to work exactly. How can I tell someone... Well I don't want anything serious because I'm
Focusing on my son right now. I also suffer from anxiety/agoraphobia so I won't really be able to go on a date with you, at least not somewhere far. Maybe the local pub near me which is pretty dismal and that's about it? It seems a bit pointless and so I'll let things happen naturally and hopefully I will meet someone at some point. 

So I lie here in my bed, Nathan's asleep in his, and I spend the nights mostly on my own. With the nursery being on holiday for Christmas we or should I say I, have gotten a little lazy. Our routine has changed slightly and I'm in a bit if a rut. My days are pretty much always the same. But I live my life anxiety free. 

Sounds ok in theory but I'm not really living. I'm just existing. I want more and I'm glad I have that desire within me. I'm looking forward to Nathan starting nursery next week and creating a fuller life for us. I plan on rejoining the gym, which I kind of gave up last year. I plan on going out more and even if I'm tired or feeling lazy, I'll make myself go do something. I'm bored! And there's no one to blame but myself. As an agoraphobic and someone so stuck in routine I don't think like other people. I don't wake up and think 'ooooo what will I do today, where will I go'? I just think 'ok I'll have breakfast. Go a walk. Then prob just go home again' it's boring!! I need a bigger variety of things to do and again that's easier said than done but it needs to start somewhere. I'm also very conscience of Nathan thinking that this routine is normal life. That he is raised in this little bubble with no desire for more. No ambition! So it's just not happening anymore. 

I approach 2014 independent. Stronger. Positive. And excited. 

Is it weird that as an agoraphobe I'm finding myself say 'to hell with anxiety I think I would like to jump on a 18 hour flight and move to Australia'? (Yes that MIGHT prove a little difficult but you can't mock my ambition, if I can just get to my local doctors for some sedatives first' 

I know that anything is possible if we try. It really is!!!  And I know that positively undoubtedly attracts positive things. I've seen it for myself time and time again. I don't experience anxiety that much because I've Actually found myself thinking 'we'll if I have a panic attack and completely freak out I will need to go to hospital in an ambulance and at least id be out doing something. It might be quite exciting' clearly with that attitude the panic is never going to happen (touch wood) 

I discovered the blogger app on my phone tonight so I can see me posting much more often now from my bed as I nod off to sleep. You may need to read the weary rantings of a stressed out mum or the happy positive tales of a successful day out. Who knows. Either way, it's nice to be back xxx