Latest News & Free Linden Method

I wish i could come on here sounding happy and positive all the time but i guess that isn't reality is it.

I haven't been out. I have been spending A LOT of time in my room, on my own. When i wake in the morning i go grab some cereal and coffee and return straight to my room. It's where i am most comfortable, and it's where i am surrounded by the things i need, i.e my laptop and mobile phone. I can sit there all day, untill i go get dinner and then its back to my bedroom on my own unless i'm seeing my boyfriend.

This has been happening for a while and it started to get to me. I realised i NEEDED to get back out. I began to obsess thinkin... Oh no thats me back to being housebound, Is this me getting worse, am i never going to feel strong enough to tackle this.

So i made myself sit in the garden the next day. I wasnt there for long really but i think i just needed to prove to myself that i am not scared of being there. The next day my friend came round and when she left i decided to walk her home a little. I didnt get far, only about 5 minutes away when it started to pour with rain, and since i had no jacket i just headed for home.

I felt proud in having done it. But the negative thoughts are still there. I feel a knot in my stomach telling me i am not doing enough. On the other hand i tell myself that it wont ever get too bad because i clearly get to a stage where i MAKE myself get up and do something...anything. So i am having this little battle of postives and negatives a lot at the moment.

Obviously my problems are due to agoraphobia but i also think i am basically just stuck in rut! I have NO routine. I dont do anything outside my home. So its difficult to force myself to go out and do something different. My life is an indoor one. And i am perfectly happy that way. BUT i realise this life isnt for me. I want to be out socialising, shopping etc so this needs tackled. I have called my doctor to be re-referred to the commuinity psychiatric nurse for CBT and Graded Exposure. I think the graded exposure is basically what i need most.

Also i have a friend who is a nurse and she is now being trained in EMDR. This is the therapy i have been most interested in trying out. The women herself told me she watched a man performing EMDR for a few days in his surgery and she was blown away by the results. Now that she herself is training i am going to be her first patient. It could work or it could fail but what harm is there in trying? Her training will be rather long so it could be the end of the year before she is qualified to work with me. The women whose name is Alison is a nurse at present and she is interested in learning all sorts of therapies and she seems to have a genuine interest in how i am doing. She called the other night i and i explained i have been shutting myself away again and she has offered to come and go out walking with me. This is a great help. I am helping Alison gain experience in working with people with phobias and i feel better doing that than asking my friends or my mum all the time.

An online friend told me about a website she had found called www.thinkrightnow.com. The website offers a recording that can be sent to you at a small fee. Like most of these sites there are statements on there from previous users who claim the cds have helped them to deal with their anxiety. My friend bought the CDs and sent them straight on to me. I would like to offer anyone who is interested in recieving the CD to get in touch. I am more than happy to forward this on to you. It is in 4 parts. 2 parts are relaxation and the other 2 parts are basically positive affirmations being repeated over and over again. Obviously the more you listen to the CD the better chance there is of it working. Like with any of these things i always say... it's worth a try!

I have said before that i am a fan of Dr Weekes, her books and her recordings. I have a 4 part recording with Dr Weekes talking about Anxiety and Agoraphobia and how she thinks it should be dealt with. I felt full of hope and excitment the first time i listened as Dr Weekes explains that no matter how severe your anxiety, or how long you have had your problems, you CAN beat it.

I have often heard of the Linden Method as a way to cure panic attacks and anxiety. U have even spoken to someone who claimed it worked on them. The Linden Method if avaiable online but is expensive to buy. Once again i have these recordings on my computer, including the manual and all that comes with it.

Finally i have a book called 'Panic Away'. Like all i have mentioned before this book is avaiable online at a price.

I am listing these recordings here as each of them have success stories behind them and it may be the one that works for you. I can't comment on them all as yet as i am still working with the 'Think Right Now' recordings. But i am more than happy to forward any of these recordings on to anyone who wishes to give them a try.

Homelife.... well it's ok. My mum is getting concerned about my hermit behaviour, which makes me feel guilty. I had the kids most of last week so that kept me busy. Luke is continuing to recover from his operation and its 99% better. Chris and i are great, he makes me happy and i love when he is here... i do still worry that he is gonna get bored of me soon though. All i can do is continue to make an effort so he can see i am at least trying! He is taking a week off from work in May and plans to devote that week to helping me. He wants us to go out in the car and try to drive past my safety limit. He realises it will be tough and we will be going back and forward most of the time but its great that hes willing to try.

Anyway i feel like i am rambling now. I hope that everyone is in good spirits. Sorry i am not inspiring people with news of an amazing recovery but i wrote this blog to tell the truth and i don't think it would be realistic to be cured over night. Once again feel free to email me if you want any of the recordings or for any other reason at all.

More Setbacks!

Last time i wrote i was full of good intentions about making my schedule and reading my new books etc. But as is usually the case, day to day life can sometime get in the way.My books arrived and i got stuck in. Reading for hours and taking notes. So far the first cognative behavioural therapy book is good. A lot of what it tells you is common sense but i have a lot more reading to do before it gets into detail.

Anyway next thing i know i had unbelievable toothache! It really was unbearable. For the next 2-3 days i was like a zombie. I tried everything to cope with the pain. Painkillers, clove oil, rinsing the tooth in alcohol, putting aspirin directly on the tooth. I ended up on the internet looking for home remedies. I found someone who said you should rub ice on the bit of skin between your thumb and index finger. Well i didn't have ice. So i rubbed a frozen chip (french fry) on there instead haha, i must have looked ridiculous.

So finally the toothache has passed (touch wood) but things are still a bit crazy at home. Luke is STILL in hospital. The family are still taking turns in stay over night with him. I am STILL missing him more than i can say, thinking about him constantly. His mum has just given birth to a little girl and they are in a different hospital. Its madness!

My mum is doing what she always does, shes running about trying to do everything to keep everyone happy. She has been having chest problems and is having tests done over the next few weeks to see whats going on with that.

Because my mum is pretty much always at the hospital, i am spending my days looking after the house. Cleaning, tidying, doing laundry, making dinners etc. So i haven't really had the time to sit on focus on my reading or making plans to get out and tackle anything.

I guess it's not too suprising that i have been feeling a little anxious too. Mostly because im worried about everyone else. It's not been too bad. As i live in the family home there is very rarely a night when i need to sleep in the house alone. Either bother parents are here or at least one of them but last week i had to face a night on my own for the first time in years. During the day i am fine on my own, i actually enjoy it, but at night i think my mind would wander. I would imagine the someone was trying to get into my house or something and end up anxious.Anyway, last Friday night was to be my night alone. My dad was getting ready to go out, my mum was staying in the hospital. I went for a bath and my mind went wandering. What if someone tried to break in? What if i feel anxious? Who will i phone? What if i can't get hold of anyone? What if i panic so badly that i can't get to the phone? What if i pass out and im all alone? What if i panic and can't get to the door to let someone in? I couldn't believe the thoughts coming into my head, i have NEVER had a panic attack that has made me pass out or unable to get help. When i DO panic i retreat to my room to be alone and have quiet, i don't even want people around. I KNEW they were all completely irrational but the anxiety took over. I panicked!

I thought about calling my mum at the hospital and asking her to come home to be with me. but i also thought this was incredibly selfish and that my nephew needs her more than i do. I couldn't ask my dad to stay because he is in a band and was playing a gig, so he would be letting down his band mates and the people going to see him. So my dad was leaving and i told him i was scared. He simply said 'Well you'll need to just deal with it. Even if you do panic'. I know some people might think this was heartless but it actually done me good. I thought about it and said, ok, i am 27 years old. I'm not a baby, i don't want to rely on others. I am going to deal with this in my own and if i panic then thats just too bad. And just like that the anxiety left me. I felt fine.I don't know if i would had stayed so calm for the whole night untill my dad returned but my boyfriend Chris showed up so i didn't need to find out. I ended up texting my dad and telling him not to rush back but to stay out and enjoy himself because i was ok and was just being silly earlier. However the thought of a night completely alone still doesnt exactly appeal but i know it's a challange that i am willing to take on should i have to.


So.... another week has past like hundreds before when i haven't done much at all. I feel its understandable but i also feel all i do is procrastinate!! Am i just making excuses AGAIN???I do feel that i make great progress when i am completly focused on myself. When i am totally devoted to the task at hand and right now i just don't feel that is possible. Tonight will be my first night alone without friends or Chris popping by and thankfully i don't have the toothache to deal with so im going to get my head into the books again. This weekend i have my other two nephews again. Riley & Jude are coming to stay so that means that Saturday and Sunday are going to be busy with the boys and again i wont really be able to do much regarding the agoraphobia except perhaps taking them for a walk. Anyway i am rambling. This update seems all over the place, a bit like my head at the moment. Oh and also in the news it is now saying that the medication i am on, Seroxat, doesnt actually work! Oh well that was music to my ears haha something else to be dealing with. Anyway i will be off. Hi to everyone, hope you are all well. And a special mention to Monica who is in hospital this week. You are in my thoughts xxx

Happy Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day everyone! I know it's a little late but i haven't had a chance to write before.

Thing's are still a bit crazy at home. Luke got out of hospital only to be rushed in again the following night. Then since he was feeling well again, came home yesterday. Unfortunately he's just been taken back in again. So the phone is ringing non stop and the family are all taking turns staying over night. It's affecting me as i obviously haven't been to the hospital to visit him. It's WAY out of my comfort zone so seems impossible. I can't help wonder if i am just incredibly weak and selfish to not even try! I do speak to Luke on the phone everyday. He know's i never visit the hospital and doesn't expect me too but i am riddled with guilt. I miss him like mad. That's now 3 weeks that i haven't seen him...feels like much longer. He was meant to be spending the day with me tomorrow but who knows when i will see him now. As long as he gets better i am happy to wait.


Someone asked me about my Open University course in a previous post. For anyone who is interested you can check out The Open Universities website. Some courses can be expensive but there is funding available. Since i can't work and am recieving benefits u was eligable for financial help. All information on funding comes with the University prospectus.

Ok so update on the Agoraphobia and panic attacks. It's been up and down, as usual. Generally i have been fine. Although one night last week i had the biggest panic attack i have had in a long time. It took me by surprise and scared me a little as this one didn't pass so quickly. I tried using EFT and tapping through it but it didn't seem to make a difference this time. Thankfully i managed to keep myself composed and let it pass. When something like that happens it is so easy to feel defeated and to get back into the old routine of feeling sad, desperate and then panicking all over again. A vicious circle. But thankfully i understand my anxiety much better now. I know these little relapses just happen. It is like the panic wants to remind us what it can do. These little reminders terrified me in the past and would leave me confind to my bed for days, or weeks! This time i just dealt with it then forgot all about it.

I have decided to set myself an agenda each Sunday night. I am going to plan my week ahead and set myself goals. This might only be something small like spending the day working in the garden or taking a walk to the shops but i know i need to get myself out of the house and more importantly i need to create a routine. How many people like me have turned night into day? It seems this is common in people who suffer from anxiety. So... i plan to be up early, washed and dressed at a reasonable hour and ready to take on that days challange. It will probably be baby steps as i find that too many agoraphobics try things that are way beyond their abilities and end up scaring themselves, leaving them back at home feeling anxious again. I will put a copy of my schedule on here when it's ready.

So i hope everyone has had a good week & that everyone is well. Thanks again for all your emails. It really encourages me to fight harder and thats always appreciated.

Weekend with my boys

It's been a great week for me. The anxiety i had been experiencing has completely passed, like i knew it would eventually. I went from not going out at all to suddenly getting right back out there again and even went right to the edge of my safety zone. Been shopping and took care of the annoying things like paying bills etc which i hadnt got round to dealing with.
So back on track and feeling good.

This weekend however i will be spending most of my time at home as i have my 2 nephews Riley & Jude to look after for a couple of days. Being typical boys i will be spending most of my time either cleaning up after them, cooking or splitting up fights. Lot's of fun!

Luke is still in hospital so things at home are a little up in the air with family members taking turns in spending the night with him. Poor little soul hasn't been doing too well since his operation but hopefully he will get out in the next week.

So that's all for now. Feeling happy and positive and looking forward to the week ahead. I hope everyone reading is doing good.

Update

Not written a few days but thought i would do a quick update of what's been happening lately.

I have had amazing feedback about the blog. I am so happy that people have found it helpful to them, they now see they are not alone. I have received emails from some really great people who i am now keeping in touch with. I like to try an support people as much as i can. I don't claim to be an expert on all this but i do think i have a postitive attitude which is important. Too many people out there can try to drag you down and that't not gonna help you.

I wrote a post a few days ago about my NLP experience and the therapist who claimed he could cure me in one session. I was really angry with what happened back then but i let it go. Now though i have got talking to someone else who has just met with the same guy. She too has been ripped off and left feeling worse after he got her hopes up. After doing a bit if research i have found more people still and have decided that something has to be done. I have written to the Daily Record which is one of our biggest newspapers in Scotland. I hope to hear back from them but if i don't i will try The Sunday Post which is where i first found out about him. I really think he needs to be exposed for what he is. I honestly don't know how he sleeps at night. Oh yeh i am sure there are people out there that he has helped, but what about the others he has let down and basically treated really unprofessionally? When i know how this is going i will name him on here.

So i've been a bit busy with different things, ive been out walking but i do need to do it more. But its cold and miserable and i'd much rather be warm and cosy haha... maybe im making excuses.

Sometimes we just have other things going on and we can't put our full attention on getting out and pushing ourselves. Today my nephew Luke is in hospital having a big operation so thats my priority right now, even if all i am doing is sitting nervously waiting for the phone to ring to hear he's ok. It's a bit tense at home, we are all worried although he will be fine.

Finally today is my mum's birthday so we are gonna have a nice dinner tonight and then i'll be seeing my boyfriend so doesn't look like i'll be going out but all in all i am feeling good. Still positive. Still planning on fighting this and kicking it's ass. Thanks again for all your emails and i would encourage everyone to get in touch if you haven't already. Keep smiling x

Me Today

So this is me today. Have i made any great progress??? I would have to say yes and no. Obviously my agoraphobia has me limited in so many ways but mentally i feel far more able to deal with it. I have spent so many years working myself out, questioning why this has happened and how i'm going to fix it and now i feel i have the answers.

I am happy. Life isn't how i planned it. Having just turned 27 i had imagined a career, maybe marriage and kids but that's not happened for me and do you know what? That's ok!

I have my family. I have a beautiful home. I have my 3 wonderful nephews how make me smile. I have the 3 best friends a girl could ask for, Lynne, Laura and Angela and i have Chris.

What's the point in getting upset about what i don't have or what i've missed out on? I am young and i have my whole life ahead of me. People say they feel sorry for me, that someone my age shouldn't have to deal with this. Oh well, it's happened so no point complaining!

My life is just the same as any other girl my age. Ok so i don't work and i don't go out clubbing etc but i have the same day to day issues that they do. Love, Family, bills etc
I love the gossip magazines, watching my favourite tv shows, complaining about my apperance. I've been on a diet since November last year and have lost quite a bit of weight so that's given me a boost. If people think i'm a weirdo because of my condition then that's fine, they obvously don't know me very well and that's not the kind of person i need in my life.

I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe this was just something that was meant to happen to me and instead of feeling sorry for myself, i am going to turn this negative into a positive.

I have enroled in an open university course. You study at home and i have plenty of time for that ha ha. The course is in Health and Social Care and i plan to get into counselling or Social Work of some sort. I want to help people who have gone through the type's of issues as me. Instead of them meeting someone who will say 'Yeh i think i know what you mean, i've never had a panic attack myself'. I will be able to say 'I completely understand, i've been there' and hopefully i can put this experience to some use. Just need to help myself first.

The Internet

I always have spent a lot of time in my bedroom. Mostly this is because i like my own space and because i can do my own thing, watch what i want on tv etc but then i got myself a computer and i found a new way to occupy myself.

I could spend hours on the internet. Surfing websites or chatting and i found it was something i really enjoyed. I also joined a few sites like Faceparty and Myspace and suddenly i was back in touch with people i hadn't been able to see in a while.

There are a lot of people who are sceptical about meeting people online and even more sceptical about meeting those people in person, but thats what i done. I continued to have a social life all be it from the comfort of my own home but i have to say agoraphobia has never affected my ability to pull. I was able to get boyfriends without leaving the house. This amazed many people. None more so than me! I met a boy and we started a relationship. He knew all about me problems and seemed to accept them. We only lasted 8 months but once again i can say with my hand on my heart that agoraphobia was not the cause of our break up. I still think it is a good way to meet people. I always say you could meet someone in a club where the music is loud and you can't hear each other talk, but online you can spend hours talking and getting to know each other. Usually you will cover so much more talking online and discuss things that wouldn't be discussed in person for a long time.

So the internet provided me a social life in some ways, online and offline. My parents worried that it was unhealthy. That by having this new life from my own bedroom i would lose the need to leave the house at all. I would argue that this certainly isn't the case. Yes i could spend hours talking and having fun, but when the weekends came my online buddies would disappear. They were off out living their lives. They were going to the cinema, going for meals, going clubbing etc. Then they'd come home and i would hear about all the fun they had. So if anything it made me MORE determind to get out because i could see what i was missing.

I wanted to include this part about the internet because it has been the source of many a debate in my house. I just wanted to show that it isn't ALWAYS unhealthy. There have been times when i have been very low and i have opened up to someone online about whats on my mind. I have discussed things that i hadn't talked to anyone else about and came offline feeling refreshed and happier. So like i said before i am very VERY glad that i discovered the internet!

Housebound

(Above - Me and My Nephew Luke, He's more like my little brother)

So i was living at my mums and by now i was scared to leave the house at all. I live in a small cul-de-sac but i couldn't even walk to the end of my street. I often wondered if i was the only agoraphobic who actually felt claustrophobic too? My whole existance was living in this small house and i was feeling very trapped.

When things are at a low point for me i try to remind myself that i am still lucky and life isn't so bad. Thing's could be so much worse. At least i have a roof over my head and food on the table. I am surrounded my family and friends that i love and unfortunately not everyone has that. So i think reminding myself of what i DO have instead of what i don't is what keeps me feeling positive.

I knew that i couldn't just give into the agoraphobia. I was in my early 20s and this was no way to live my life so i needed to push the boundaries. I started doing small things like just spending time in the garden. From there i decided to try walking to the bottom of the street. I remembered Donna telling me that when i was out, if i was feeling anxious i should distract myself by focusing on something else. So as crazy as it sounds i used to walk to the bottom of my street and count the lampposts that i passed. Eventually i made it.

I was lucky in that i had my mum with me on these walks and so i had support incase i did panic. Eventually over the course of a few weeks i had managed to make it to the local shops which i felt made a huge difference to my life. Before i was able to get the the shops i relied on family and friends to do pretty much everything for me.

• Get me essentials like, deoderant, razors etc


• Do my clothes shopping


• Pick up my medication


• Pay my bills


• Go to the bank

Now that i could get to the shops i could at least do some things for myself and this increased my confidence. I live in a small village with only a few small shops like a chemist, post office and grocery store so i was still limited in what i could buy but i felt great not having to rely on other people quite so much. I was able to get out a little more than i had for a while but i was still living inside a comfort zone. My agoraphobia doesn't seem to be about the fear of open spaces, or crowds. For me it seems i am just happier in my safe place, my home, and when i go out i don't like to travel far from there. In my head i want to know that if i panic i can get home as quickly as possible. If i was to take a panic attack out side my instant reaction would be to run for home.

I am always interested in hearing how other people with agoraphobia cope with day to day things such as shopping or doctors appointments. All i can say is i am so glad i found the internet! That became my new source for clothes shopping, before then i had other people picking clothes for me and it's not really the same. Also i was lucky in that my doctor would visit me at home but there was also a lot i was missing...

My brother got married and there was no way i was going to be able to make it and if i'm completely honest i didn't even want to try. I'd rather stay at home and avoid putting myself though such an ordeal as i would have had to travel quite some distance to attend.

I have a nephew Luke who is in hospital quite a lot as he has spina bifida. He is the best thing in my life. My family was blessed the day Luke was born. I love him more than words can describe. He is such a character with a heart of gold and he is more like a little brother to me. When Luke was in hospital i didn't visit. Again this was way outside of my comfort zone. This hurt. Luke understood, he's a bright boy, so he didn't expect to see me at the hospital and he didn't hold it against me but i feel the guilt.

Then there's my mum. My mum is my best friend. I know most girls would say the same thing but she genuinley means everything to me. She is one of those people who spends her life putting other people first, always helping people in need. I have such a close relationship with my mum that i sometimes wonder if that's what caused my agoraphobia in the first place. Ever since i was a little girl i didn't like to be away from her for long and it seems this has continued into adulthood. But there is guilt in this relationship too. Guilt that i am her only daughter but she doesn't get to do the mum and daughter type things i know she misses. Going shopping, going for lunch etc. She doesn't have the best health so has to attend the doctors or hospital regularly and i feel i should be there to support her but these places are so far out of my comfort zone that it seems impossible.

Time to seek more help... Push the boundaries even further.