The Past week & Road Rage

Something I said in my last post really bothered me. I ended by saying 'Why didn't I do this sooner'? Ok I am enjoying getting out and about, but I was annoyed at saying that as there are some people who are reading this who still may be housebound. I thought it might have sounded patronising in some way. I know why I didn't do it sooner... I wasn't ready! I was reminded of this on the day after I wrote the post. I couldn't sleep that night, i think my mind was in a spin what with the dentist and then the drive at night. I felt that old anxiety coming back again. I tried to ignore it but Gerry was here so it was hard. Usually when I feel that way, I will just occupy myself but as Gerry was trying to sleep and we were lying in the dark I found it difficult. In the end I got up out of bed and found something to do. The next morning I awoke to the same nervous feeling. Obviously I have been reporting lots of progress in the last few months but I don't want people to think I'm kidding myself. I am aware that I could relapse, I know I may be fighting with my nerves for life, but maybe, just maybe, I can beat it all together.

I kept thinking about that post...why didn't i do it sooner? People always told me that you must WANT to get better and my reply was always 'i DO'. Looking back now i don't think I had the hunger that I have now. The ambition. My life was comfortable. It might not have been very exciting but it was safe and I was content. A combination of things has brought about my new way of thinking, my determination. I put it down to Gerry, my age (as i want to have freedom for my 30s which are fast approaching), my Paul McKenna download, the diary which i write in daily and my homeopathic medicine. I need to remind myself that this is the best I have ever done since i got agoraphobia. In the past I may have pushed the boundaries and ended up walking or perhaps going to the local pub to socialise, but I NEVER made appointments at the dentist, never went in a car and never really looked to the future. I knew i wanted to meet someone, move house and have kids, but when i imagined it, i couldn't really see it. Now though, when I think of those things, i can see it is very possible and this has given me my hunger. So I hope that I did not sound patronising. Of course we all wish we could be 'fixed' and get ourselves out there, but for a lot of years it just wasn't my time, i don't think it was my time. It took a lot of panic attacks, a lot of thinking and a lot of learning and acceptance to get where i am today.

Anyway..... the past week has been great. Yes the anxiety returned for a few hours, but It didn't escalate to full blown panic. I have been out in the car, out walking as per usual. On Saturday I went to the local church sale with my 2 nephews as you can see in the picture. My mum makes the most beautiful home made cards and sells them at events such as the one in the church, or in local community centres. As she has been struggling with her nerves lately, I said I would go as support. My nephews, like all kids, love to buy lots of old rubbish, so I knew they would enjoy a trip around the stalls. They bought old teddies, videos and bizarrely a fondue set (strange? melted chocolate and marshmallows mmm maybe not so strange). I then spent the rest of the day at home with them.

Scotland has a reputation for bad, cold weather. Although we do get rain a lot, surprisingly we have seen very little snow in the past few years. I remember one day of snow last year which didn't even settle on the ground but today within 10 minutes of starting the ground was beautiful white. I decided to take myself out for a walk which I really enjoyed. The place looks so much nicer in the snow.

When I got home from my walk, i gave the doctor's a quick call. I mentioned a long time ago that I am a smoker. Lately I have been smoking really heavily and I actually wondered if this is anything to do with the homeopathic remedy. The women who gave me it always asks if my appetite has changed while taking the medicine, and while my appetite for food has remained the same, my appetite for cigarettes has not. Even as I smoke one I crave the next. No matter how much I smoke, it never seems enough and I want more and more and more. I have never really wanted to quit smoking because, as much as it is bad for me, i really enjoy it. Also my excuse has always been 'i think smoking is the least of my worries, I have bigger issues to deal with'. At the rate in which I am going I will finally be agoraphobia free and will be diagnosed with lung cancer! So today I called the doctor to see if they can give me patches. I know you need to WANT to quit in order to kick your habit but for now I would just be happy to cut down....by a lot! At the moment I smoke about 20 a day...possible more (i know its disgusting) but i would like to get down to 5 a day....and then eventually quit. Maybe I am deluded and this isn't the right method, but it is a step in the right direction considering in the past i was happy to puff away giving no thought to my lungs or anything else for that matter.

Something else happened this week that I am very angry about. In the past I have mentioned my nephew Luke who means the world to me. More like my little brother, Luke and I are extremely close. So I was very angry when he arrived on Saturday very distressed. It turned out that on the way to our house there was a bit of a problem with his mum. While driving Luke's mum Fiona noticed a girl in the car behind her waving and shouting to get her attention. Fiona, not really thinking about it, pulled up the car to see what the problem was. The girl then, charged out of her car towards Fiona's window, screaming and cursing about some driving manover Fiona had made. Fiona asked her to calm down as she had her kids in the car, Luke, and her baby daughter Charis. The girl had no interested but proceeded to open Fiona's door, pull her from the car, and beat her up. The kids were screaming and crying as their mother lay on the ground with this mad women on top of her. Fiona said her only concern at the time was for her kids naturally and just wanted to get the women off! Thankfully some passer's by got involved and it took 2 men to pull the girl off of Fiona. No wonder Luke was distressed when he arrived at my house. Can you imagine seeing that happen to your mother? I am glad to say that Fiona has reported this to the police and It looks like they know exactly who the girl is. I am just shocked. Fiona said her driving was totally fine, the girl must have only been about 23 and was on her own. What kind of person starts a fight in the street and more importantly, who would do that to a mother infront of her kids? Anyway Fiona is charging her with assault so hopefully there will be some justice.

So that's what I have been up to since my last post. Gerry and I are back on brilliant terms and I feel extremely happy with the way things are going. We get on so well and are so happy together and I think thats why I take the arguements so badly, as it is such a huge contrast to how we usually are. I have the dentist on Wednesday and this is when the real work will begin... I won't lie, I am nervous. But I will go and I know i will be buzzing afterwards from another success. I will use all my saftey behaviours to get me there no doubt, for example, telling myself that even if I am 'mid-drill' and feel I need to leave, i will! Simple as that. Oh a bit of bad news is that Gerry's car is acting up. It goes into the garage tomorrow to hopefully get fixed but it means that in the meantime I cant get out and work on the distance I am travelling and only now as i type this am i realising that it might not be ready in time to take me to the dentist on Wedneaday.. hmmmm I better start looking for a new chauffeur.