Monday, 19 January 2009

Wedding, Christening and Dentist Oh My

Hey everyone. So i turned 28 this week. I remember my parents telling me that life really does fly by and I can see what they mean. At times I genuinely do still feel like a kid, especially when I am around my nephews. Luke even tells me I am not a proper grown up just because of the way I act with him. Now here I am 28 years old, still young of course, but feel like I should be around the 23-24 mark ha. I have lost the greater part of my 20s to agoraphobia. I think I can handle the birthday not feeling down about another year wasted this time. As i make progress with going out I can see me getting my life back. Most women dread approaching their 30s or 40s, but I see my 30s as a new beginning. I have 2 years to fight back and give myself that freedom so that excites me.

I got lovely gifts on the day. My favourites being the sweetie bracelet above. Some of you readers probably already have one of these but I am quite a sentimental person and I like the thought of collecting charms over the years for different occasions or from different people, so i was delighted when Gerry gave me the bracelet with the heart attached. I also received the most beautiful bouquet of Pink Lily's from Marie (many of you read her husband Robert's blog) and also some yummy Belgian chocolates. I was very touched. Speaking of Marie I should also mention that she has begun to write her own blog now. Like with my blog I told Marie it could be a good way of dealing with some of her feelings. I know i find it therapeutic and enjoy all the feedback I receive, so if you would like to take a look at it you can find it at . So far she has only written 2 posts. I don't know if it is because she is a friend of mine but I found myself feeling quite emotional when I read them, especially as Marie has been dealing with agoraphobia since such a young age.

I have been doing well with my walking and driving. Also I have maintained my trips to the shops. I probably go their every second day to try and get used to it again. I make myself stand in queue's etc, when sometimes I do just want to bolt. With the driving I have also been going my usual route which now feels comfortable but making stops to pop into a shop, or pick up some take out and things like that. I feel proud of myself for this. It was only a few weeks ago that I was with my support worker and told her I would like to build up to driving to the chemist and picking up my prescription and as you know I have already been there when I went a little crazy with the shopping. I have been back there a few times now. I still feel the nerves in these situation but I guess that is natural and only practice will make me completely comfortable. Getting the take out on Friday night was interesting as it was dark, Gerry had to park quite far away and since his son was with us, he stayed in the car with him. So i set off for the chip shop alone and once I got there I was told my order wasn't ready. So i waited and waited for probably 10 minutes. I did get nervous. I did have negative thoughts, but i held out and felt great for doing it.

Friday night was one of the first night that I have spent with Gerry's son. I have met him before but my nephews were here too so he was more interested in them. Thankfully the night went really well. It is very important to me that we get on. Obviously I am planning on marrying his dad so I want him to be OK with that decision. We got on great and it went so well that he wanted to stay the night so I would say that was a good result. He's a fantastic little boy, surely he doesn't get that from my Gerry ha.

Oh the jealous ex girlfriend.... she has gone. We haven't heard a peep from her. She threatened to email me and stuff but the email never came. Gerry told her he would go to the police if she didn't go away and that seemed to be enough to scare her off. Hopefully that will be the end of that little problem.

Regarding the engagement i think I may have gotten a little carried away. The engagement is fine but I suddenly went onto looking at venues, picking a date, talking to priests, buying my bridesmaid dresses and ALMOST bought my dress. Thankfully Gerry brought me back to earth and told me the wedding is going to be a year and a half away so i can take it easy. I was having a ball though haha. Also he was very sensible in saying that we should live together for a year first. Ok i know that is the true way of finding out if you should get married but did he really have to spoil my fun :).

My homeopathic meds ended but I contacted the women again and had another appointment just to assess how I have been feeling. I noticed I had been a touch anxious again but wasn't sure if this was down to the fact the meds have stopped or the fact that i was THINKING 'oh no I'm not on those anymore maybe i will get anxious again'. I know this is not the right way to think but how the mind works! Anyway, I explained how i been feeling and that although I have been doing great, I still want a little help. So now I am waiting for my new meds. This is either going to be a completely new remedy in the form or drops which i take daily, or it will be the same meds but at a higher dosage. I really don't mind which it is as since it is all natural medicine it isn't going to do me any harm.

Ok another map. The red is my original safety zone. The Yellow is what I can do now. This includes being able to visit friends for hours at a time, go to the shops, the pub etc. The black dot is out local chapel and this is where the christening i am attending will be taking place. I have now made the trip there 3 times! YEY ME! I am amazed by this. Only last week that seemed like it wouldn't happen, but i am progressing, however slowly that may be. I am getting closer and closer to leaving my town for the first time in several years. This still seems like it will never happen but hey I have been doing lots lately that i never imagined so I know it will come. The bright blue line is a road that is causing me some issues. This is a long straight road that will take me out of the town but it makes me nervous. Once on this road there are no places to turn. So if i panic i cant just ask the driver to take me back. I know this is negative thinking but i can honestly say if i went onto that road, the panic would come. I have over thought it too much i guess. Anyway, the bright green is the other way of leaving the town and isn't THAT far from the chapel which i can get to now. The reason I mention this is because Gerry had a moan today saying I'm not heading in the right direction (towards his house). I tried to explain that although it might not seem it, it is a further than i had been going and once i get used to it i can be round that corner and out of the town in a couple of more drives. He huffed! Ok i may not think RATIONALLY like him. It may be quicker and easier to just go down that blue road and be out of the town without all the twist and turns.... but going the green route means I have plenty of ways to turn if i freak out ha. Typical safety behaviour but surely it makes sense to do what makes you comfortable at this stage....Surely it shouldn't matter which way I am going as long as I get there in the end! Men! haha
Oh and finally the dentist. It is on Wednesday. I am sure I will be a nervous wreck and since i am registering with them that day I doubt I will get any work done BUT i will STILL need to go into the dentist room and sit on that big scary chair. Daunting at the moment but a challenge i am up for. I will let you all know how it goes. Hope you are all well xx


diver said...

Happy Birthday Lynn! You sure seem to be growing out of your agoraphobia at a rapid rate now :) ... so happy for you!

It's said that 'laughter is the best medicine' ... but you're making a rather good case for love being the answer! You go for it girl, whatever gets you there!

And good luck with that dentist!

Robert said...

I'm wishing you a happy birthday, too, sweetheart.

Apart from that - well done in increasing your "safe" area. Try not to let it shrink again - no matter what happens!