Tuesday, 20 January 2009

Oops

I am totally mortified about my last post! I think I was a tad emotional at the time ha. I considered removing it all together but I think I will leave it for anyone else you may be dealing with the same problem. I'm sure I am not alone in this. However, i was in a bit of a fragile state and probably not in the best frame of mind to go off on a rant. In saying that, I did have every right to be upset due to the treatment I had received.

Today I am ok. I eventually passed out through sheer exhaustion I think. I woke up this morning to several missed calls, texts and an envelope through my door. The envelope contained a letter, my bracelet and my ring.

I have always known that Gerry can be selfish, and stubborn....and rude, but I accepted him warts and all. Just as I myself would like to be accepted. He make me feel loved, happy, safe, content, secure... but that's on the good days. Unfortunately he has no idea how to deal with my agoraphobia. In his letter he accepts that he was wrong. He apologises and says that I have been doing fantastic regardless of what he may have said through anger. He has said that he would rather be with me than without me and that he doesn't want us to talk about me moving in anymore. He explains that he wanted me to move in with him so much that it became his priority, and although I was getting out, he just couldn't accept that i wasn't getting closer to his house. He now wants me to do it my way and for him to just support what I am able to do. He said he will be happy that I am getting out at all, regardless of where I go.

I feel bad that I have broadcast such a personal fight. Something that should be part of our private lives I guess. But as i said, i will keep it there. The emails and comments I have received since I wrote the post have totally blown me away. I am extremely touched and grateful for all the advice. Every single person who has left a comment has been completely right in what they have said and I agree with them 100%.

Now it is my time to think. Can I really see a future? At the moment we are no longer together, and i know that may be for the best but i also I know that I have to look at it from Gerry's perspective and realise how hard this must be for him. How frustrating! But I have taken the time to explain it better than I ever did. Gerry didn't realise the battles I face every day. He didn't know that although I might not have made it to his house yet, or any really great distance, that i have made progress on so many different levels.

Before I met him i was in hibernation...12 months a year. I had no routine. I could go days without bothering to wash or dress. I just existed. In the past 6 months I have gained determination and focus....could this be down to him? I think it is mostly me but I cant deny he has had an input. I am now up early everyday, I wash (thank goodness I hear you say), I don't just dress but make an effort with my appearance, I walk, I drive, I challenge myself and my life has improved a great deal. Could it be that part of our problem has been a lack of communication? I feel that after our talk he understands more but I have some decisions to make.

The ring isn't back on my finger. I have no idea if it will be but in the meantime I am taking some time just to think about what I want. I want you all to know that I am strong. Last night I was upset but I think we all breakdown a little now and then. Life is bloody tough! No matter what I decide i will never ever let anyone bring me down. I can say that with my hand on my heart. I might have a little wobble but i pick myself up and get on with it, i really don't think i will let myself go back to how I was. So thank you again everyone. I'm off to think...and perhaps get some sleep.

...

Ok didn't sleep. Instead forced myself up and out. Went a walk although today is dull and gloomy. Cleaned the entire house i think and now i can relax with a cuppa. I feel ok-ish. But on returning home was greeted to the bridesmaid dresses I ordered and wedding brochures haha. Talk about timing. A long bath later and the dentist in the morning, won't let last night bring me down. I have more important things to deal with right now.

In reply to the comments about this post... I know Gerry meant the things he said. I know that deep down he can't handle the way I am. I know he is frustrated. I also know that the progress i have made in the past 6 months is completely down to me...no one else! I have worked hard and will continue to do so. Maybe I don't explain thing's very well. I want everyone to know that I am totally aware that he has been waaaay out of order. I wont let anyone treat me that way, I wont let anyone affect my health and If i genuinly don't think he can be a positive influence in my life then I will say goodbye for good. I don't fear being alone. Being single does not scare me and I am totally aware that I don't deserve what happened. I am confident enough to say that I could possibly meet someone else this year who ticks all the boxes and completely accepts me. It is hard to explain things in a blog as I only really talk about Gerry in a negative way. This isn't fair as obviously there are many fantastic sides to our relationship or i wouldn't be with him. I do love him and without a doubt I know that he loves me. BUT that doesn't mean we will work out, and this is the crossroads we have reached in our relationship.

11 comments:

Sarah♥ said...

Hi.
I appreciate that he's apologised and thats all very nice, but if he didn't feel believe those things he wouldn't say it. Surely he knows how damaging to your self esteem that could be and what i realised is that if my ex loved me at all, why would he want to make me feel any more shit about myself?

Things are always said in the heat of the moment, but what i learnt from my experience was that no matter what i did, those feelings were always in the background of my husbands mind. Hence why they'd come out at every given opportunity.

You need to think this through. I put up with bullshit just like this for 6 years, and now it's left me hating myself more and feeling more fragile and depressed than i ever have in my entire life.

You will keep having this same row over and over - trust me. Your agoraphobia is an issue with him...

x

Lynn said...

Yeh i know this. I know its an issue. a big one. I also see the same argument could come up over and over again. Hmmm its tough. To an outsider it might seem like an easy decision. Still thinking. But i do know he wont affect my self esteem. Im better than that

Robert said...

Hey, it's lucky I didn't say "Never go near that bastard again!" isn't it? I thought you might give Gerry another chance if he would let you. And why not? If the 2 of you want it to work, then it will.

Good luck!

Lynn said...

Maybe i havent written this blog quite so well... i havent taken him back. At the moment we are not together but I have to think about whether this is permanant. At the moment i have no clue.

Mtav80 said...

Here is some unwanted advice from an outsider male that doesn't know you! :o) Only thing we have in common is Agoraphobia.

First thing I would ask myself. He said he didn't mean what he said was just upset. Do any of us ever make that kind of stuff up when we are mad and venting? No we may exaggerate our feelings but they are cloaked in truth. To some extent he does really feel that way.

"Before I met him i was in hibernation...12 months a year. I had no routine. I could go days without bothering to wash or dress. I just existed. In the past 6 months I have gained determination and focus....could this be down to him?"

He may be the reason for you getting out but when it's all said and done it was YOU that did it. No one else. Be proud of yourself.

I don't think it's a a lack of communication? You are who you are. You have a good chance of getting better it may take months it could take forever. Who knows? I know I don't know when or if I will ever be 100% but I keep on trying. Since I'm Agoraphobic I have worried about meeting people and if I did meet someone would I hold on too long if it wasn't meant to be because of my fear of not meeting someone else for a long time. Yes I am hinting at something. Make sure he is right for you, you are 100% sure about him before getting married. Look out for number 1 (Yourself)

Sarah♥ said...

It's NOT easy. My husband finally left me because of my agoraphobia, as i keep saying, i have experience with this. I would have held onto my husband for all eternity because i adored him, despite the horrid things that he said to me.

This argument will only get worse and it WILL get you down.

Caz said...

Hi,

I hope you don't mind me commenting.

I'm lousy at advice anyway and wouldn't dream of telling you what I think you should do - I don't know you, your boyfriend or situation anywhere near well enough to comment.

I just wanted to mention about my ex, J, and our relationship. We broke up a couple of months ago, after a very tough six months. He had a lot of trouble dealing with my agoroaphobia and anxiety issues, and even though he tried really hard, we just couldn't find a way to make it work. Anyway, the point I was getting to is that I didn't want to finish with J - I adored him and still do. But once we did break up, and once that pressure I felt from him to get better and be able to do more was removed, I've gotten a lot better - I really believe that my anxiety is less now because I can focus on what's best for me.

J was never abusive or nasty, but some of his comments obviously showed how hard he found it being with me. I wish we could have found a way to work but we just couldn't.

I guess what I was trying to say is that I understand both sides of how you feel, as I've been there very recently myself although in slightly different circumstances. There is no easy answer - sometimes the best solution hurts the most, and sometimes there just isn't a best solution.

But you have done so well in the last year and your priority needs to be you - I'm sure you know that anyway. Whether what's best for you is being on your own, or being with Gerry, only you'll really know, and it may not be something you'll know for a while. Follow your instincts - and hope your mind and heart come along for the ride :)

Take care,

Caz x

HSP Woman said...

Have you considered pre-marital therapy? Here in the States, before marriage, many couples see a therapist to work on areas of potential problems.

It's a thought.

I'm glad he apologized so quickly. I think a mark of a good person is one who can quickly let go of anger. I never trust anyone who holds a grudge.

One more point I would like to mention: In my case (many years ago, of course), when I was beginning to date a man (before marriage), I would REALLY push myself.

I would get dressed, go walking beyond my "safety zone," try to eat in a restaurant here and there. I did these uncomfortable things because the relationships were new.

But, what inevitably happened was that I eventually stopped pushing myself. As the relationships became more and more uncomfortable (because I was sick and tired of having so much anxiety), I would just stop.

We would break up. Most of the time, I would break up because I saw the person getting more and more frustrated with my "challenges;" I could sense he would be breaking up with me soon enough, so I did it first.

Then, I started dating my husband. At first, like usual, I pushed myself every day to the point of panic.

Then, I had to slowly stop pushing so hard. With this man, he didn't become too frustrated. He stayed in with me when he could, but he still went out with friends when he needed to.

Of course, he would love for me to travel with him, go to new and exciting restaurants, to plays, etc., but he knows and accepts that I can't most of the time.

He asks me if it's okay with me that he goes alone to event X. Sometimes I feel happy for him to go, some days, no. He respects my feelings.

Long comment, sorry. I just hope your finance (or maybe finance, as you say) can realize that some days you can walk to the shops, other days you can't. I hope he is the type of man that feels secure enough to make his needs known in a respectful way.

Maybe there is a show he'd really love to see. Can you be happy for him to go without you? Can he feel secure enough to go solo?

It takes a confident, mature man to know where he ends and where you begin.

If you go back to him, I hope you can reach some kind of understanding that is mutually beneficial.

Take it from me. It is possible to have a solid, loving relationship with a non-agoraphobic partner.

Respect and continual open communication are essential.

I am glad you left up your previous post. Don't worry about its content. You were being real. People like real. People can get encouragement from real.

I wish you the best with this situation. I know you love him and that he loves you. But, can you sometimes be apart and still manage to respect each other? I know you can, but can he?

Maybe. I hope so. Thanks for sharing your real stories, Lynn. I, for one, really appreciate you.

xoxoxox

HSP Woman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
HSP Woman said...

Oops! Sorry about the double post, Lynn. My internet connection is so slow today.

And, that should read "fiancé" not finance!!! (I still haven't had my morning coffee ; )

Nechtan said...

Hi Lynn,

I know on hindsight it might feel to you like it was a bad idea to post what happened but I don't believe it was. For one I hope all the comments make you see how well you have been doing and that you should not have to put up with that being jeopardised by anyone.

Only you know how much legs the relationship has but I would say one thing like others have. If it is to go forward then it must be on your own terms. The thing is it is not just for your benefit but his too. If he wants in the future to have a wife who can go places with him then he must truely understand that it might not happen as there are no guarantees. He also must know that his best chance of achieving that is to stop getting on your case you are doing so well whether it meets his standards or not. Anything less than that just isn't going to work in the long term and will do you know good.

Anyway you know your own mind but I just wanted to add my own thoughts. I hope whatever road you choose it all works out for the best for you.

All the best

Nechtan