Just back from the dentist again

Not long back from my latest dental appointment which i am talking about in the video. I forgot to mention what happened before i got the work done. I was left waiting for a full hour this time before i was even given the injection to numb my mouth. This time the numbness DID cause me to panic. I wasn't thrilled about my appointment today but I was no where near as nervous as I was the last time, so i was surprised about the panic.

Once given my injections i was told to go back into the waiting room. As i sat there and felt my face go numb i got more and more anxious. The problem was I felt like i couldnt breathe properly. I just felt like I couldnt get a full breath and before I knew it the thoughts came flooding in. I was imagining ambulances being called, me fainting etc. I think in the past this would have lead to a full blown ARRRGGHHH moment! That dreaded panic. But i told myself to stop. I tried to relax my body as I was way too uptight, and i slow took nice relaxing breaths through my nose. Thank goodness it passed quickly enough. I was fine after that.

Incase you cant see the video I had 4 or 5 teeth removed and 4 fillings. Need to actually have a look in my mouth and count!

Now I feel the worst is most certainly over with. The next appointment will be childsplay compaired to the 2 previous and FINALLY she will fit my ugly front tooth!

Gerry must be somewhere above the atlantic about now. I dont like the thought of him being so far away but i remind myself.... I have agoraphobia. Gerry Lives 10 minutes away....but it may as well be Canada cos i cant get their either lol. Ok i'm off to drink tea through a straw x

Taz & Gerry and the week ahead

Thankfully my walks are still improving, each day i gradually go further and luckily I haven't felt much anxiety lately. Something that will help with this routine is that I am doing a bit of dog watching. Angela who I have meantioned before, has just got herself a new dog named Taz. On Monday she started a new job, and although eventually she will be able to drive home and take the dog out whilst at work, for the first 4 weeks she is in full days of training. So... for the next 4 weeks I have Taz most days. I have already had him a couple of times and it has been a great success. I got out walking 3 to 4 times a day and I can walk the same route over and over and don't look as strange as I would usually when walking alone. I usually walk with him on his lead but today I took him to an open area and decided I would let him off this lead and see how he gets on. It went well untill I suddenly he was getting further and further away. I realised at this point that Taz could out run me AND he could run out of my safety zone. Thankfully I caught up with him just a little outside my usual route and was ok.

I have just said my goodbyes to Gerry who is flying to Canada in the morning. I am a little sad as I know I will miss him but I remind myself it is only a week, and we all know how quickly a week can pass.

Tomorrow it is time to go back to the dentist. I am not anxious tonight like i was the last time but obviously I am still a little apprehensive. I am sure I will be ok but last time I had Gerry's company to distract me from the pain.. oh well, this time i will have Taz lol

Still driving as often as a driver is available. Been out for the last 4 days in a row which is good. Just need someone who has some spare time to make the sessions a little longer. If no one is around I at least know I have Karen, my occupational therapist, on Friday and we can go a drive where I will hopefully feel the confidence and be relaxed enough to go a little further. Ideally I would like to have some improvements to tell Gerry about when he gets back.

The Christening & Relying On Others

(Me, Laura, Angela and Lynne. Old picture but one with the girls together)

It was the christening of my friend Laura's son on Sunday. Beautiful Korrie is about 6 months old now and since he was born Laura has been planning this day. Finally (very quickly) the baby weight is off and Laura was keen to get out, looking good and have a big celebration for her little boy. Before Christmas I mentioned this on a post and said that i would be attending the christening. This was something I was really looking forward to. Finally I would be spending time with friends in a new setting, i would get to share Laura and Korrie's day and also it would be a personal challenge against my agoraphobia. Being at the christening would prove to me how much better I am doing and it was something I was very keen to do.

Originally it was supposed to be Gerry & I going as a couple but unfortunately he had been asked to work, so instead I invited Angela along. On Saturday I had mixed feelings approaching the big day. I was both excited and nervous but decided to break the day into sections, as i had done with my dental visit the previous week. I would get up, see how i felt, get dressed and see how i felt and so on. I spent the Saturday evening at home organising myself. I got my new dress, New Shoes set out and ready to put on. Made sure my camera had enough battery, and the same with my mobile phone. I felt quite prepared and decided I better text Angela to make the final arrangements.

I tried texting a few times but I got no reply. Knowing Angela could be busy with other things I waited a few hours but still had no reply. Angela's parents were flying to Australia in the morning and it was decided that Angela would arrive at my house once she had dropped them off at the airport at around 10.30am. I guess I just wanted to make sure everything was going ahead as planned. I thought it was strange that Angela hadn't been in touch for the usual conversation between girls 'what are you going to wear'. So the feeling stayed with me, something wasn't right. I suddenly had a feeling in my gut that Angela wouldn't be going. Finally after midnight I got a text telling me that she would phone me when she dropped her parents off. I found this a bit strange. Why would she need to phone me when she drops them off when she should be heading straight over to my house? Hmmmm was i just being paranoid? Anyway the texts went back and forward with Angela being very vague until eventually I just asked her if she didn't want to go. Soon she told me that she wasn't looking forward to it. She didn't have anything to wear.

I went to bed and set my alarm anyway, hoping that in the morning it would all work out. I woke up at 8 and text Angela to make sure she had found an outfit but I got no reply. At this point I just felt completely depressed. I KNEW Angela wasn't coming. Gerry was working, my parents were away out. I had no way of getting to the christening. I don't know if i should have just got myself dressed but i didn't even bother. I didn't see the point. At 11am, 15 minutes before the ceremony began, Angela called me to say she would just go. She was dressed in her jeans but we could still make it. Should I have gone? Obviously I wasn't dressed and being a big day out for me, I had wanted to look my best. I would be seeing people I hadn't seen in years and wanted to make a good impression. 15 minutes to get myself dressed and to the church seemed unlikely to me and so I told Angela I wasn't going to bother. I will admit I did blame Angela.

I spent the rest of the day feeling down. As much as Angela not seeming that interested and me being left in the lurch was the main reasons for me not going, I felt as though I had failed. The day I had been looking forward to for months had come and I wasn't there like i promised I would be. I text Laura and explained but I was worried she would be thinking 'Oh well Lynn isn't coming just as i expected, Just as she never comes to anything', but it hurt because i REALLY wanted to be there.

Why didn't I get a taxi? Well simply because I am not 100% comfortable with using a taxi yet. I would be ok using a taxi in different situations but on this day I was taking on a challenge that would make me extremely nervous. I wanted a safe person. I wanted someone with me so that if the anxiety got too much I could simple say 'I have to go now'. With a taxi I couldn't do that. I would have to call a taxi, WAIT on the taxi, while feeling awful and it just didn't seem like the best idea. Also since the snow was particularly bad it is possible to wait for an hour on a car.

While on the road to recovery this is one of the most difficult things I face as an agoraphobic. Relying on other people. I fully understand that Angela wasn't that interested in the christening. Laura isn't a friend of hers. But even day to day i still need to rely on other people for certain things. To really work on my driving I need someone with a car to be available every day. It's just not realistic. Most of the time people are working during the day, and those who are available in the daytime don't drive. At the moment i probably get out for a drive once or twice a week, which makes the progress much slower than it would be if i could be out every day.

Then there are the days when someone IS available with a car and yet I don't want to ask them to take me a quick drive because you feel as though your putting them out. Who wants to drive around and around in a circle with me? Or the other example is that someone may pop over with a car and sit for a cup of tea then announce that they need to leave because they need to go to work, the gym, shopping etc.

I totally understand people have there own lives to lead, I am no ones responsibility but my own, and so I walk. But it is times like these when i feel like a prisoner again, and also I can feel like a child. Its like a need a babysitter to take me on an outing and its not something I enjoy. Unfortunately that's how it is at the moment. I am lucky that I at least have Gerry and my dad to take me out when they are available so I don't want to sound like i am complaining. I'm just explaining the difficulties we can face. What is the solution?

Then this problem snowballs and creates another issue. My drives with Gerry can be quite stressful, as you know. Everytime we go out in the car Gerry needs to see progress or i am met with a huff of breath or a roll of his eyes which make me more stressed and also pissed off to be honest. I explain to him that i need to drive in my safe zone over and over again to get 'comfortable'. If i was driving that loop everyday it would already be comfortable, but unfortunately since the gaps in between my drives can be quite long, it can take a while for my nerves to settle, even when im just driving in my 'safe zone'. I don't always feel comfrotable enough to 'push it' further. Sometimes i feel i am doing enough by just doing the drive at all.

I don't really see a solution other than paying a taxi driver everyday, which could become very expensive very quickly, or to start taking a bus. Like with the taxi, i dont relish the idea of standing outside of my comfort zone and waiting for my bus home to arrive. So in the mean time I will just have to keep taking drives when they are offered but more likely I will have to get over the embarrassment and just ask people to take me out more often. Ah dillema dillema.

Lastly, the dentist... thank you all so much for your messages. I still cant wait till my next appointment and the good news was the pain after the appointment was totally bearable. Of course it was a little sore but i never had to rely on pain releif. One bad point though is that one of the fillings has already come away slighty, so my ordeal seems a little tainted now ha. Im sure she can fix it when im back in a week. My walking is great, i have pushed it further and further and really enjoy it so i will continue this. Gerry is off to Canada on Wednesday for a week, i will miss him (and his car), but since he is a keen snowboarder im glad hes getting away to the snowy mountains to de-stress. Anyway thats all for now. Take care x

Walking Video & Agoraphobia Buddy

The above videos are pretty straight forward. It's just me out on my daily walk and at 4 points where I can push things further as i seem to cover a square area. I made the video's for my friend D but figured I would post them on here as they are easier to watch this way.

D and I have decided to team up in the fight to beat agoraphobia. Obviously I had already established a bit of a routine with my daily walks and drives but now D and I are going to do it together. Each night we both go online and we discuss our plan for the next day. Usually the goals are manageable and at the moment we focus on 'a street at a time'. We both leave the house at the same time each day and then after an hour or so outside we go on the phone and talk about how we got on.

It has actually worked out well so far as it gives you that extra push to make the effort. Today for example i was very tired. I had little sleep at all last night and I could have happily slept the day away, but with D in mind I forced myself out of bed, went to the shops and then went on my walk, pushing myself an extra couple of streets. It's nice to know someone is doing the same thing at the exact same time, going through the same emotions. I'm sure in future we will share frustrations and also successes and I look forward to hearing about D's progress. Obviously getting better is about me...and for me, but as I walk it does help to think... I'll do this for D. If possible I would recommend that you try this out. I'm sure you know someone else with agoraphobia who you speak to online or whatever... if not there is always D and I, we can start a team ha.

(Excuse the poor sound quality, i couldn't talk too loudly in case someone passed by and stuck a straight jacket on me ha i must have looked strange)

Book Recommendations

I am an avid reader and find reading a good book is a great way of relaxing and winding down at the end of the day. I have just bought the above book 'We need to talk about Kevin' and although I have been advised that it is pretty graphic, that's ok with me. I like all sorts of books, chick lit, thrillers, mysteries, autobiographies, educational but usually I only buy a book if it has been recommended. 'We need to talk about Kevin' was discussed on TV and I also noticed it had won an award.

I am a fast reader and very quickly I have gotten through all the books I bought a few months ago... all which were recommended. So I am looking for your help. Can you think of a book that you read that was a real page turner. One that totally grabbed your attention and you just loved to read? Or what about one that shocked you, scared you, made you feel really good or was full of twists. Let me know your suggestions and I will get online and get them ordered.

I am trying to think of books i could recommend but my mind is blank at the moment. I know Dan Browns' The Da Vinci Code' had so much hype but i did really enjoy this although I know some people werent too keen. I like Cecelia Ahearn and her book 'If you could see me now' was just so lovely and almost like a fairytale. Paolo Cohelo 'Veronika Decides to die' and 'The Alchamist' are 2 of my favourties. Reg McKay 'Armed Candy' was a great true story of crime set in Glasgow. Slave by Mende Nazer, another true story which will shock and sadden and i just loved 'The curious incident of the dog in the nighttime' by Mark Haddon about a young boy with autism. You should check them out on Amazon.

I look forward to your suggestions.

The Work Begins!

Today I had my dentist appointment. This time i was not so calm. I was terrified. I knew the work was beginning today but apart from that I had no idea what to expect. For some strange reason it was my face being numb that was causing me the most stress. I know why though, its about control isn't it, it always is. If i didn't like the numbness, I wouldn't be able to make it go away.... I would be stuck.

Never slept a wink. Got up early and my head was running through excuses why not to go. I tried to talk myself round, it wasn't really working. Again I hoped my friend wouldn't turn up, she did! My appointment was at 12.15 so as the time approached I left. I decided to break the appointment into steps. Firstly I would just get outside, and see how I felt. Then I would speak to the receptionist, and see how i felt. All the while I was ready to bolt. First sign of a panic attack and I was planning on jumping in the car an breaking the speed limit till I was back home. Gerry spoke to me before I left and said 'You can't spend your life running home'. With this in my mind I knew I had to do it.

Got there, spoke to receptionist and before I knew it i was giving my injection...S! Several! I was told to go back to the waiting room to let the numbness take over. I sat in the waiting room on my own and i was physically shaking at this point. I really wanted to leave. Didn't care what they said about it. But i stayed and waited...and waited...and waited!!! I think i was there for half an hour with my mind running riot. I decided when I went back in I would explain my nerves and ask the dentist if i could possibly just have one thing done.

Finally I was called and i explained my situation. I was basically told no, and the work began. I think it must have taken another half an hour in the chair, i had been hoping for 5 minutes. NO such luck. Finally I left and went home. The result.... the left side of my mouth now had SIX, YES SIX LESS TEETH and I had 4 fillings!

The procedure itself was fine. It was totally pain free and as my time in the chair passed I got more and more calm. Next appointment is in 2 weeks time to do the right side of my mouth and then finally the front, the front being the ones i want done soonest.

I am EXTREMELY proud today. I know many agoraphobics manage to visit the dentist but it was just never an option for me. Again i feel totally shocked that I managed it and now i just want my next appointment to hurry up because I am sooo looking forward to having all my teeth fixed.

The numbness has now gone and I plan a relaxing night in bed. I feel like I have been through the wars haha. I was told to expect some discomfort and I have that, but thankfully I have no real pain so far. I am so happy!!!

Something to make you laugh

I'm sure you all get just as much junk mail as I do. I am forever being sent comic strips, cartoons, jokes etc, and while some are repetative and predictable I recently got one I actually found pretty funny. So I thought I would share it with you guys. Hopefully it will give you a giggle or at least make you smile. Apparently these are GENUINE call centre conversations!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'

Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.

Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.

Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.


*****


Samsung Electronics Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller:'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.


*****


RAC Motoring Services Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'



*****


Directory Enquiries Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'. Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller:'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'


*****


Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland'.



*****


Tech Support:'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer:'No'.
Tech Support:'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?
'Customer:'No'.
Tech Support:'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
. Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

(my dad would do that, he always asked me if i have email numbers, i think he means addresses. But hey we cant all be computer literate)

*****

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'