tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39149695520051461772024-03-13T22:29:10.059+00:00Living with AgoraphobiaLynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.comBlogger211125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-51789323888121877392017-01-05T15:04:00.003+00:002017-01-05T15:04:33.480+00:00Bye for now hi guys I just wanted to pop on and let you know I am still alive and well. It's been a year since I last posted so I'm gonna just end with this post. For now my life is good. I'm<br />
Busy, I'm happy and I just don't get the time to maintain the blog. Current situation... Nathan is now 6 years old and I just worship him. He has his tough moments like all children do but I wouldn't change him<br />
For the world. I have been in a relationship with grant now for 15 months. I am very happy and in love and very very lucky as he's such a great guy. Nathan also adores him. Grant has a little girl and so we are a nice little team and I'm enjoying our time together. I have just started my second year of studying for my health and social care degree. I passed my first year with distinction so that was a proud moment. I have also started working part time while I continue my studies.<br />
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I have been panic attack free now for ... 6 years??? And yet the worry that I'll have one still haunts me at times. I feel I've figured my anxiety out and while 90% of the time it's not there, I am able to keep perspective and battle on when it rears its ugly head.<br />
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I still have things to work on but it's a massive change from where I used to be and I will always count my blessings. In the meantime if anyone needs to chat just drop me an email as I'm always there when you need support from someone who's been there ✌🏼Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-34440662236972968872015-12-23T09:23:00.003+00:002015-12-23T09:23:55.034+00:00Merry Christmas Catch UpHi All,<br /><br />I received a lovely message this morning from a woman who reads this blog. She was wanting to check Im ok since I haven't posted for a while. Once again my excuse is laziness and just not having the time.<br /><br />In answer to her questions, I am ok! In fact, I am great. <br />
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2015 has been a wonderful year for me. The best in so long... in fact, id go as far as saying its been the best in over 10 years. <br /><br />I have worked quite hard this year but the results have been worth it. I continue to get stronger and challenge myself in new ways. <br /><br />Since my last post Nathan and I have been very busy. Lots of lovely day trips, lots of family visits and occasions that before just seemed impossible. I now really believe nothing is impossible if you are willing to do the work. Yes, it can be hard and some days are harder than others, but you have to just keep pushing on. <br /><br />The loveliest part of the year has been the end part when I met a wonderful man who adores Nathan and I. He is the kind of man I always wanted, but wasn't sure if they only existed in Disney movies and romcoms. Handsome, charming, respectful, thoughtful, he is all of those things. <br /><br />After my awful last relationship and years on my own, I was pretty lonely but also pretty cynical about ever finding someone special. But I was wrong. I've been on many romantic dates, stayed over at his place.. and even spent the odd night in a hotel, which in the past would just never have happened. It shows me how far I have come. <br /><br />Christmas has come along and I've been attending all Nathans parties... concerts. And since he has just turned 5 (I know!!!!! how did that happen) I threw him a big party in a venue I could never have accessed before. <br /><br />I am full of Christmas spirit. I am excited to spend this year with wonderful people who make me feel loved and valued, again... something that was slightly missing before. I am so proud of everything I have achieved in 2015 and so grateful to my wonderful friends who helped make it possible. <br /><br />Its cliché and a bit 'Facebook' but I am feeling very blessed.<br /><br />I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and New Year and enter 2016 full of positivity and hope. Much Love x<br />Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-63863341310672822912015-06-24T21:22:00.003+01:002015-06-27T21:26:47.766+01:00We Did It <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Our weekend away was a success! <br />
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It did take a lot of mental strength to take on this new challenge but I got there and was absolutely thrilled about it. <br />
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The hotel itself isn't actually that far away from where I live but its a distance I have NEVER driven and its an area im really not familiar with. But I was so determined that I was going. <br />
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Of course I had all the usual off-putting thoughts. What if I panic in the car on the way? What if I get to the hotel and cannot calm down and relax? I even made sure I knew where the closest hospital was.... just in case. But in the end OF COURSE I didn't need to worry. I drove to the hotel with no problem whatsoever. And when I arrived in my hotel to be greeted with a screen which read 'WELCOME LYNN' I was overjoyed. I sent friends and family texts to celebrate my achievement and headed out to check out the new digs :) <br />
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The hotel itself is a huge building as you can see from the pics, and I think in the past this would definitely been something I found intimidating but for some reason I was ok. Maybe all the work ive been doing building up to this has desensitised me a little. Also the pictures don't begin to show the beauty of the surroundings. I felt like I was miles and miles from home. Some little remote part of Scotland but in truth I really wasn't that far away. After years of living in a my town surrounded by houses and shops etc, the sheer size of the hills in front took my breath away. It was almost TOO much to take in. Too must stimulation to the eyes... if that makes any sense at all. I guess it goes back to the fact agoraphobia is a fear of wide open spaces (apparently). I DO feel less exposed and more protected when I have buildings or trees around me. But here it was just hills and golf courses and water for miles. I couldn't help but appreciate the beauty and feel grateful that I was getting to look at it with my own eyes. Not via a book or tv screen. I walked the length of the golf course (in heels may I add, ouch). We ate a beautiful meal. Went for a swim and sauna. Listened to the entertainment in the lounge and then at night decided we would sit out side drinking our Prosecco while the sun went down... all the while taking in the views. <br />
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There were a few times my inner voice asked 'Am I alright' and I really was. I was so busy trying to squeeze as much into my day that I didn't really have time to think about it. However, when I went to bed and lay there in the dark my thoughts were harder to escape and so my anxiety did appear. It wasn't too bad, certainly not unbearable but I refused to give into it. I was worrying about the drive home, getting back to Nathan. What if I couldn't relax in the morning, waking up in a strange place. What if I panicked and couldn't get out of there quick enough, ruining the whole experience. But I just told myself to stop being stupid. The thoughts were natural as this was a completely alien situation and my thoughts are pretty much always wrong. SO when I woke up in the morning I did feel a little jittery. In the past I would have definitely freaked by this point and would no doubt have been in the car heading home with my heart in my mouth but I told myself that even if I did panic I WAS NOT MOVING! And so I went to breakfast and then we went to the gym. From there I decided to just push myself even further. The anxiety disappeared, we checked out and drove to another town I haven't been to and we went to.... a shopping mall! I went shopping. Not online shopping for once, but actually in a huge busy shopping mall. Where I took my time browsing, bought myself an outfit as a treat, waited in queues all without a problem. I think that for me this was an even bigger achievement than the hotel. Probably because its somewhere that my friends and family go to regularly and I have never managed. I then drove to visit my brother where he works... ive never done this... and then went home. <br />
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I was exhausted for 2 days after this ha. Mentally drained no doubt but worth every single minute. My confidence again has been boosted. For once I gave myself a pat on the back and recognised my achievement. Yey Me!<br />
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Following the spa ive been at several school meetings, each one taking over an hour, and sat through them at ease. In the past I used to sing in my head or play eye spy with myself ANYTHING to make it pass quicker so I could GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE, who am I kidding, in the past I wouldn't have even GONE to the meetings! But now I sit through them comfortably. Yes there are times I feel the sweaty palms start, or my breathing getting slightly quicker, but that's ok... old habits die hard. Getting over all this takes time and , touch wood, I have plenty of that. \<br />
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The comments on the last post made me so happy and totally overwhelmed . I cant believe there are so many people who have read my blog and been inspired. Its given people a bit of hope and courage and that is the best feeling in the world! I am always particularly touched when people find my pregnancy posts helpful. The fact they seem to have given people strength blows me away and I am really grateful to everyone who has read and taken the time to comment. <br />
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For the woman who asked for tips on coping outside. Well I like my sunglasses at times. They feel like a mask I guess... im slightly hidden and protected. If you are feeling overwhelmed try not to focus on all of your surroundings but instead just take nice breaths and focus on something small like your footsteps. Count them for a while. Karen carries a bottle of water and having that to sip was something she found helpful. I said a long time ago that I keep a diary and I write down my achievements each day. They literally began with - today I put make up on. This increased to - today I walked to my garden. And I counted each little thing as a success. With your successes you grow in confidence. You start to believe in yourself again. but for me my diary gave me some clarity and it helped me focus on what I was trying to achieve. Even now if my head feels muddled ill go back to my diary and get something's on paper. I also made sure I did something every day. No slacking. No procrastinating. I did that for years and it got me nowhere, literally! Some people find listening to music when they are out is helpful. But practice really is the key. It may seem hard and overwhelming at first but you just need to keep pushing because the sensations you experience really DO decrease as your mind starts to get familiar with everything again. Our thoughts are nonsense. Ive proved this to myself over and over again. <br />
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And so the F*** It list has grown and I have more I want to do. Snowboarding, Adventure Golf (Doesn't that sound like a contradiction of terms), various parks, horse riding, a visit to a farm, cinema, we are visiting a loch near by, many many more restaurants I want to sample, a hotel stay with Nathan ... the list goes on. Nathans nursery finishes for the summer holidays on Friday so we have lots on the agenda. I will be in touch :) x <br /><br />I wanted to add a little about Headspace. Its a meditation/mindfulness app that I think has really helped me. It helps me to relax, clear my head, and I've definitely found myself much more comfortable in situations I would have found more difficult in the past. I don't know if its down to me, the app or a bit of both, but I try to do a few sessions each week.... it only takes a few minutes. I recommend giving it a go :) <br /><br /><a href="https://www.headspace.com/headspace-meditation-app">https://www.headspace.com/headspace-meditation-app</a>Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-44363579880741293192015-06-02T17:49:00.000+01:002015-06-04T21:46:16.999+01:00Over It!!! <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Please excuse my lack of posting. You see.... Ive been living! After all the crap I went through I finally realised... Our thoughts are unreal. And im ready to have a life. Because these negative thoughts and all our doubts aren't our reality at all. I have spent years avoiding, years worrying, and although anxiety is meant to protect us, when you have it in excess it actually does the opposite. I have avoided life for so long. In fear of what?? A panic attack. So now im saying 'so what if I panic' I will stay put. I will calm myself and I will continue with living. I wont run away and hide at home because it snowballs and creates so many more problems! Not content with anxiety I faced many other issues like separation anxiety, low self esteem, guilt over Nathan. I had to be in control of everything to the extent that I wouldn't dye my hair for the fear I couldn't change it immediately if I didn't like it. I wouldn't take pain medication, in fear that it made me 'feel weird' Honestly I could write a book. But enough is enough. Slowly I have started to challenge every single thought and fear and I have learned that my heads been lying. All the catastrophes I expected never happened. All the worst case scenarios was fantasy. Instead, over the last 5 months I have travelled further than I have in over 10 years. I have went to places I never thought id visit again. And ive managed to do a lot of it alone! Because instead of saying 'Noooo I wont do that. I cant!' ive said ... 'Im doing it. Whats the worst that can happen? And should the worst happen then ill deal with that too. but im not gonna sit around here doing nothing. I used to avoid walking far from my car, my safety, but now I just do it. Im not feeding these silly thoughts. Obviously at first it was hard but im surprised at how quickly ive progressed and how freeing it feels. Suddenly your in the moment instead of constantly being 10 minutes ahead forseeing all kinds of crazy unrealistic scenarios. Instead of taking the short cuts ill go the long route. If I have a feeling inside of 'today I don't want to go to the next town' then ill make sure that's the day that I do exactly that. Because I KNOW I have it in me to cope in these situations. We all do! We just need to start believing it. </div>
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I understand anxiety. I understand my own mind. I know why I feel the way I do, when I do. And this is very early into recovery. At least I think its recovery. I know I might relapse. I know ill have dark days and that's ok! I know im determind and stubborn and strong and if setbacks come, ill just keep on pushing. Nathan and I have done more in the last 5 months than we ever did in 4 years. We used to get in the car and if I drove for more than 5 minutes he would say 'Mummy your going far' He had already learned that mummy didn't do as much as the rest of his family. He doesn't say that when we are driving now. He used to tell me he would like to go to certain places and he would tell me who would be taking him there. He knew mummy wouldn't. But now its always me who does these things. Today I went into town and bought him his first school uniform. In the past that job wouldn't have been done between my mum and online shopping. We go to the park, swimming, restaurants, play areas. And we have fun! As a little reward I have booked myself into a spa next weekend with my friend Karen. Karen has been in my position too and we actually met when she read my blog! Karen and I are going to stay in a very fancy rather posh hotel. We will have a 3 course luxurious dinner and we will spend the rest of the time in the spa having massages, going for a swim or a sauna. We will stay the night in the deluxe rooms and we will have a little drink, toasting ourselves and our hard work. Im nervous as its a distance I haven't travelled yet, but I have no doubt that I will make it. <br />
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I have decided with Karen that Instead of a 'Bucket List' We will be writing a (forgive me) 'fuck it' list. We will take on challenges that we never ever imagined we would be able to do. Clay pigeon shooting, paintballing, posh hotels, tattoos, snowboarding... all kind of random acts because these were things we just never had the guts to do. We missed so many years while our friends gained new experiences, travelled abroad etc, while we sat at home with anxiety. And so im sorry that I've been quiet... and I will update in much more detail soon xxx<br />
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<br />Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-56313437531428179802015-03-07T22:58:00.000+00:002015-03-07T22:58:58.441+00:006 week FREE Depression/Anxiety Course<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hi guys,<br><br>Before my next personal post, I wanted to give you another link you may be interested in. <br><br>I found this course quite by accident but it has grabbed my attention and, again, ive signed up.<br><br>A completely free course by a psychotherapist called Hugh MacNab. According to the description, he has a personal mission to help as many people as possible recover from anxiety or depression. The methods he uses have been adapted for video and are available in a carefully planned series of 5 sessions over 6 weeks. <br><br>Ill leave you to watch his video and decide for yourself.. <br><br><a href="http://www.thehumanapproach.com/">www.thehumanapproach.com</a><br>Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-9293112938941747502015-02-23T15:49:00.001+00:002015-02-23T15:49:19.488+00:00Agoraphobia FREE Clinical Trial. Worth A Read <br />
<div>
<a class="c_nobdr t_prs" href="http://virtually-free.com/agoraphobia-consent-form" target="_blank"><span style="color: #0072c6;">http://virtually-free.com/agoraphobia-consent-form</span></a><br /><br />Take part in a free clinical trial testing an app which contains CBT and other help for those suffering Agoraphobia. The above link has more information. I was contacted by email and it does sound like it could be worth a shot. Ive signed up out of curiosity and agreed to pass on the link... so here you are :) </div>
Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-87228115047186979152015-02-16T00:54:00.001+00:002015-02-16T01:24:44.730+00:00I'm alive!!Apologies at the huge gap between posts. No excuse im afraid apart from being tired/lazy. Also I had wanted to share a bit of a 'bad phase' I went through, and for a long time I just didn't feel comfortable writing about it. <div><br></div><div>I had discussed the problems regarding my separation anxiety in a previous post. Well it got worse. Much worse. I got to the stage that I could not face nathan going to his new nursery place at all. I had to admit what was going on to the staff because I physically couldn't put him on the school bus. The anxiety on the days leading up to nursery was awful, but on the morning when he was about to leave I felt so ill. The anxiety was so strong that I literally could not see a way out. </div><div><br></div><div>Because of this I was experiencing crippling guilt! I felt I was utterly failing nathan as a parent. He NEEDED to go to these special classes as he needed help and support with some of his development/behavioural issues. I also needed him to get that help because as a single parent I was finding our days exhausting and challenging. I needed him to see the correct professionals to teach him better ways of coping and help him avoid temper tantrums and meltdowns. (Diagnosis is ongoing but autism is still expected) </div><div><br></div><div>So I was worn out mentally. And I started to feel really flat. Down on myself. Negative. We were just entering the winter and so the dark nights were creeping in. I had a feeling of dread. How was I gonna get through the next few months. I had noticed the stress in my life was taking physical effect on me. Suddenly instead of being relatively free of anxiety, I was feeling it every day. </div><div><br></div><div>It began slowly. But eventually I was feeling the worst anxiety I have ever had. The second I opened my eyes in the morning my mind would start racing. I would be worrying and thinking of all kinds of things. My stomach would churn but mostly I felt like I had a lead weight that just never left me. My heart would race. I was very irritable. Uncomfortable in my own skin. I couldn't eat at all. I would try and force myself but my mouth would completely dry and the little I did get down would make me heave. I don't think any words will ever really express how I felt. But I was scared. In a constant state of fear. </div><div><br></div><div>I didn't feel able to deal with Anything or anyone. I was nervous doing the simplest of tasks. Always on edge. Never at peace. Never rested. I felt totally vulnerable and lost. I wanted someone to scoop me up in their arms and hold me tight. Tell me everything would be ok and they were going to look after me. I wanted someone to come into my bed at night and spoon me and not let go. </div><div><br></div><div>The one thing that I was able to do was sleep at night. I was so severely mentally exhausted that my body just shut down. </div><div><br></div><div>Looking back I have no doubt that I had a breakdown. In the past people would use the term 'nervous breakdown' and I totally understand that now. Luckily I think these can probably range in severity and mines was probably 'just a little one'. </div><div><br></div><div>Firstly I stopped giving a shit about the nurserys. I couldn't deal with their pressure. I don't think anyone realised that it took me all my strength to simply make breakfast and get nathan and I dressed. I told myself that this was going to pass. Whether it took time or drugs ... I was able to stay positive! And I was willing to do whatever it took. </div><div><br></div><div>My doctor put me on 40mg of propanolol 3X a day. It really helped. I remember lying in bed one morning and reaching for my pills. As my heart battered in my chest I swallowed a propanolol and waited. After about 20 minutes of turmoil it was like my heart literally melted and calmed. It was enough to help me face the morning. </div><div><br></div><div>Now if this all sounds dark and scary that's because it was. But in the mental health field, Doctors or therapists will always ask if you have considered suicide. I have not. I want to live. But living with my symptoms everyday was horrendous. I just wanted to get better and for the feelings to pass as soon as possible. I had no idea how to make it go. But It was like I gave up and started waving a white flag. Instead of suffering in silence I reached out to friends and family. And I accepted I needed help this time. </div><div><br></div><div>I was terrified of any child services getting involved and saying I was unfit to look after my son. I was scared that I would need to go live with my parents and would end up housebound again. I was scared I couldn't be a mum anymore. I had every unrealistic and catastrophic thought you can imagine. Until one day I just thought 'what will be will be'. If I need to go live with my folks then I'll do it. And I'll fight hard to get back on top of things and return home with my boy. I knew in my heart I wouldn't lose my son because even on my worst days, Nathan came first. His routine did not falter. And so I realised that I was stronger than I gave myself credit for. </div><div><br></div><div>I can honestly say I fought and I fought hard! I thought I was losing my mind. 100% I believed I should be in a hospital on drugs. I have since discovered that people who have suffered nervous breakdown are often put to sleep for weeks and I can absolutely appreciate that. Your body and mind need to heal and there were certainly times I felt I needed nothing but bed rest and TLC. I could have reverted back to a child. Broken and fragile and my mind constantly crying out 'please help me'. But I had no option but to keep going. I lost so much weight and I looked dreadful. I knew it at the time but it was only later that I realised how worried everyone else was by my appearance. </div><div><br></div><div>I became obsessive about 'what if I can't go out again. What if I become housebound'. This is where the fight began. Instead of getting up in the morning and slowly facing the day, I felt I urgently needed to go out to prove that I still could. I would frantically get nathan and I dressed and get into the car. Id go a quick drive and then go home. I had proved my negative self wrong and I had Successfully gone outside. And so I would be a little calmer at home. It was good that I had become stubborn and point blank refused to be beaten, but that urgent need to do it the second I opened my eyes only added to my stress and discomfort. </div><div><br></div><div>I would comfort myself by constantly telling myself I wouldn't be beat. That I felt so utterly ghastly at home, that it couldn't be any worse outside! So I would push and push and push. And I pushed every single day. I pushed myself and ended up driving further than I had in years cause I was so bloody stubborn. But This needed to be dealt with. </div><div><br></div><div>During this spell I went out daily and stuck to my entire routine. My house was cleaned. Meals made. I made myself presentable. I even attended a meeting alone with 5 different women to discuss Nathans development. (That was tough. I think I just sat and nodded while counting down the minutes, but I did it) The special nursery was sympathetic. And patient. (Nathan attends 2 nurseries. One near by 5 days a week and another in another town. The one in the other town is a special unit and this is the one I was struggling with ) But I knew my time was limited. And eventually they told me if Nathans needs were not being met then other people would get involved. (Social/child services). </div><div><br></div><div>A support worker and now friend, appeared and begged me to let him</div><div>Go. I explained I still didn't feel strong enough. I was starting to get maybe 1 hour a day where I didn't feel so bad. I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But I was still vulnerable and weak and not confident enough to face the next challenge. I just needed more time! </div><div><br></div><div>I don't know what she said to me that day but suddenly I said 'just do it'. And from that day on nathan hasn't missed a single class! </div><div><br></div><div>It was a turning point. I gained a bit of confidence. I used to look for excuses for nathan not to attend the unit but now I found I was ready to be stubborn. He was going whether I liked it or not! It started with Babs (the support worker) taking him in her car. I felt comforted by the fact I could phone her and tell her to bring him home if my anxiety reached an unbearable peak. Eventually with Babs there for support, I put him on the school bus. And finally I stopped needing babs at all. There have been days when he's been unwell and it would have been acceptable for him to stay off. Ive still put him on the bus. I cannot break this streak! There have been days when he's in a mood and crying and screaming that he doesn't want to go. Ive still put him on that bus. When he would leave I would pace and fret. Id ride the anxiety. And Id watch the clock until he'd be home. I never seen it as a welcome break. A time for a tired mum to finally put her feet up. Now.... I do :). I love those 2 days a week when I pop him on the bus. I can watch trashy tv, bathe alone (unheard of) or even better, go back to bed for a precious and rare lie in! </div><div><br></div><div>Determined to kick this issue ive let him</div><div>Go on trips with his grandparents and other family members. In the past, the distance they took him would<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> have been an issue, but not now. Now I see any trip as a challenge. A welcome challenge. Another ball for me to knock out of the park and celebrate. </span></div><div><br></div><div>I'm so delighted at how things have turned round because there was definitely a point where I felt this was impossible to fix. I felt no hope and seen no way out. But the confidence boost has been medicinal to say the least. And with it the guilt began to fade. I am a good mum! I have fought back for my son. Go me! </div><div><br></div><div>Suddenly I had one full day anxiety free. And soon I had 2. And so the dark cloud was passing. With the support of Babs. My friends and family, I got better. </div><div><br></div><div>I began seeing a psychologist and I asked him if I was the craziest person he'd ever met. He just laughed and said 'what do you think'? And I knew I wasn't crazy. I was tired. And I was anxious. That's all! But I'll never underestimate the power of anxiety. That period of my life was so frightening that I don't like to talk about it and it has taken me till now to write about it. </div><div><br></div><div>Another source of help at this time was my old Claire Weekes book 'self help for your nerves'. She reminded me that you had to face your fears. Be willing to suffer the symptoms of anxiety to desensitise yourself. Her words gave me hope and courage to at least TRY. I knew I had nothing to lose. My sanity was already packing it's bags and heading for the hills. </div><div><br></div><div>I made myself eat and drink as much as I could. If the lead weight in my stomach was away even just briefly, then i shovelled food in my mouth as quickly as I could. I knew I needed it. I needed the energy and I needed the strength it would give me. </div><div><br></div><div>The whole experience lasted about 3 months. The most severe relapse I have ever faced. When it hit me it was all new and I couldn't tell what was going to happen next. But now I know if it come back, I won't be so frightened. I now know that it does pass. And although it felt never ending at the time, I did get through it. And so if it ever returns I'll have that reminder under my belt. A positive confirmation that I didn't have last time. </div><div><br></div><div>We had a Happy Christmas and New Year and I entered 2015 with a positive head on much tougher shoulders. But there was a lingering worry. </div><div><br></div><div>My parents and nephew had finally decided to visit my brother in Australia. And although I was delighted that they were making the trip I also realised that for the first time in my life I would be completely on my own. My family are literally 1 minute walk away and so I always have the comfort of knowing 'if the shit hits the fan' they are right there. I barely need them, but just the knowledge of them being there has helped me at some difficult points. To go from 1 minute away to literally the other side of the world, for a girl who's been suffering with separation anxiety, was a huge challenge. </div><div><br></div><div>Was I going to be strong enough and after those difficult months not so long ago, was it too much too soon? </div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-83010322339393697272014-12-07T18:36:00.000+00:002014-12-07T18:36:18.333+00:00Having a Panic Attack?<a href="http://www.panic-away-program.com/audio-app/thanks-here-is-your-download.html">http://www.panic-away-program.com/audio-app/thanks-here-is-your-download.html</a><br /><br />A handy little download for when your feeling anxious. Be it general anxiety, or heightened anxiety, this is good advice. This is similar to how I learned to deal with my anxious moments. Eventually, they just stopped coming! Practice makes perfect Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-41616159230934471892014-10-22T14:06:00.000+01:002014-10-22T14:06:09.145+01:00One anxiety replaces another... Part 1 <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br /><br />I am sitting here with my anxiety/panic attack kit. <br /><br />Not much in it to be honest. I have my phone, my laptop, a bottle of water and some wet wipes. That's about it really. I have just taken a couple of my beta blockers and I am all set to ride the waves of anxiety. <br /><br />I am alone. And right now, that's the way I want it to be. I can think relatively clearly and if someone was here having a conversation with me I would probably be quite irritable and snappy. <br /><br />I wrote last time about my separation anxiety. I had feared that by writing about it I would suddenly make the problem much more real, but at the end of the day, I knew the feelings I was experiencing needed to be addressed. <br /><br />After the blog the anxieties continued whenever Nathan had any appointments or when he had to go somewhere out with my comfort zone (without me).<br /><br />The stress this was causing me was unbelievable. In my negative, anxiety riddled mind, I had made the situation much much bigger and scarier than it needed to be. The outcome of the situation because of my messed up perception, was bleak to say the least. <br /><br />Nathan was due to regularly attend his nursery in another town that I cant get to. He was also due to attend several hospital appointments in the same town. Me going to these places wasn't an option, and so I would need to face the separation anxiety on a regular basis. <br /><br />My stress and anxieties all came to a head during this time and I felt ill. Really really crappy! My head was firing all the unhelpful negative thoughts around all day. The physical symptoms were constant. Churning stomach, nausea, loss of appetite, the feelings of utter dread. I was finding it hard to focus on day to day tasks. My head was like a sieve. I was permanently nervous and jumpy. Short tempered and never off the toilet!<br /><br />I missed appointments, made excuses. I avoided. He went to some and I would feel I done well that day, and then he would miss others and I would feel like the worlds worst and most selfish mum ever. <br /><br />My poor mother, who takes Nathan to all his appointments in my place, she was worried sick. She worries about me as her daughter, but also worries that I wont get a grip on this and her grandson will be left to suffer. <br /><br />Don't get me wrong. Nathans physical health is all perfect so its nothing too serious. But he needs his behavioural issues looked at so it doesn't affect him later in life. For every missed appointment I was wracked with guilt. Was I jeopardising my own sons future? As a mother, it is your natural instinct to put your child first, no matter how dreadful you feel. So how come I was putting me first? How come I was avoiding these appointments and choosing the easy option that day? A day where I didn't need to feel the anxiety and the discomfort? <br /><br />Had I faced the appointments I would have felt awful. I would need to go through the anxieties I'm filled with when he is gone, but I would get through it and feel a sense of achievement that I had done the right thing. And that night, I would be relaxed and calm. Instead I choose to avoid the situation, to dodge the unpleasant feelings I would go through. And for an hour I might feel ok, but soon the guilt would kick in. And then the thoughts..... 'If you don't face this now you never will. If you don't address this problem it is never going to go away. You are affecting your sons chance in life. You are creating problems for your son. What If he ends up being like you. What if he ends up with these anxieties. The nursery and the hospital are going to start looking at you. You are not good for Nathan and so your probably going to lose him. They will take him off you' And then I would be a nervous wreck anyway. No relaxing and calm night.... just a permanent state of discomfort and stress. <br /><br />Broken sleep, weight loss, (or weight gain if your a comfort eater), more anxiety. To be honest, as I read what I have written so far it doesn't paint an accurate description of the utter despair and hopelessness you feel at times like this. Your whole day is dark, your how thought process is about that ONE issue. Whatever the issue is, it is the cause of a multitude of mental and physical reactions. You feel completely and utterly lost. <br /><br />So I reached out and I got help. <br /><br />I called my doctor and told the truth. And although I was terrified that I sounded like an irrational nutcase I just had to be honest. I needed someone professional to tell me I wasn't going to lose my son. That's the size the issue had become in my head and I was a bit of a wreck for a week. <br /><br />It was my doctor who changed the dosage of the beta blockers. What I was taking was apparently just not enough. Apparently I just needed 'a little help'. My beta blockers basically stop some of the physical symptoms. They keep your heart at a nice normal rate and you lose the feeling that its about to burst out of your chest. The churning stomach disappears, the shakes, the dry mouth etc etc. The thoughts are still there but your body doesn't physically react to them in the same way. (Let me stress it doesn't take them away COMPLETELY, otherwise we would all be cured, but it does take the edge off). I was also referred to a mental health team for some support. <br /><br />I should explain that I am at my happiest and most relaxed when I am at home with my son. I don't really have time to be anxious as he is so demanding. <br /><br />One day he was going out with his gran and he had only just left.... I was never THAT great when he went away with other people as my little buddy and security blanket was leaving me alone for a day. It felt weird. But he needs to live a normal life. So off he went. But on this particular day, when he left, I had a huge panic attack. And unlike the ones I had controlled in the past, I felt I couldn't get it to stop. This was my mistake! Had I waited just a little longer, the panic would have passed. But I jumped and I ran. I got my son from the bus stop before they had even left. I was shaking like a leaf, I felt like the worst mother ever, but I didn't care. I just needed those sensations to STOP! And when Nathan was in my arms, they did. BAD DECISION. That day I sowed a very nasty little seed. <br /><br />My fear is that when Nathan leaves... in that first 10 minutes, I will suffer the mother of all panic attacks. And the only way it will stop is if Nathan is with me. If he is out of my comfort zone, then I cant get to him to make the feelings stop. If he is with someone else he wont be back QUICK enough to make the feelings stop... so ill be suffering the most horrendous feelings you can experience with nothing to make it go away.<br /><br />Is that reality? Is that REALLY what would happen? No of course its not. But it doesn't stop my head from thinking that way. I hope I'm not losing the agoraphobic readers with the fact I've moved onto separation anxiety, but the reality is its all linked. Its all about anxiety. Its all about control and its all about how we think. And so although my agoraphobia is still very present.... this is just my biggest issue at the moment. <br /><br />So... how do beat this problem? Yeh... you face it. Dead Simple. (hahahaha)<br /><br />I tried facing it!!! It didn't make it easier the next time. It didn't fix it! Results weren't quick enough and so I panicked even more. Realistically this problem was gonna take time to beat and it couldn't disappear by facing one event. But I would get through 1, 2 then cancel the 3rd. Id manage the 4th then cancel the 5th and 6th. It was never gonna work. But there were days that I literally felt that I had no fight in me and I just couldn't do it! <br /><br />I had about a week and a half with no nursery and no appointments. Bliss! I decided to relax and use that time to be calm. Get my head together again. Sleep lots, eat lots. Get myself back into a good place and be ready for it all starting again. <br /><br />Monday this week arrived and BOOM there was the familiar anxious thoughts and feelings. And all because I knew it was time to get back to reality and face life. With 2 appointments and 2 days at nursery all on my first week of facing the problem, I knew I was in for a rough time. <br /><br />So I am sitting here with my anxiety/panic attack kit. <br /><br />Not much in it to be honest. I have my phone, my laptop, a bottle of water and some wet wipes. That's about it really. I have just taken a couple of my beta blockers and I am all set to ride the waves of anxiety. <br />
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<br /><br />Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-79603882833474675572014-07-08T13:59:00.003+01:002014-07-08T13:59:35.092+01:00Todays Coping Techniques Today is yet another day I have been dreading. <br /><br />Separation anxiety can be a nightmare at the best of times. Knowing, like most anxiety, that I'm being completely irrational doesn't really ease the nerves when faced with an uncomfortable situation. When it comes to my son, I tell myself frequently that I WILL NOT allow my situation to affect him. Of course, in many ways it does, given that there is places I cant take him. But I remain positive that one day I will join him, and in the mean time he can experience the big wide world with other family members.<br /><br />So that's all fine in theory. But the minute I get a call from someone asking if he's free I am filled with dread. I wont deny him his day away, but I dread how I'll mentally/physically react to it. <br /><br />When family want to take him away there's a certain degree of flexibility. I tell myself that should I panic, I will never give in and call them to ask him to be brought home. But in the back of my mind I have the comfort that should I NEED to do that, I can. So far that has never happened.<br /><br />However, when its something else, for example, a hospital appointment or important meeting, then my control is taken away. Again with the CONTROL.<br /><br />So today is an appointment that we have been waiting on for months! About a year ago I was told that Nathan should be tested for Autism, and at the time I readily agreed that he needed the test. His behaviour was quite strange at times and he was definitely ticking some of the boxes. Since then I am less convinced that Nathan has autism but it is an important assessment that needs to be done. At least I will be closer to knowing for sure. For Nathan to miss this appointment would mean I would be up against my own horrendous guilt. Prolonged anxiety which I will have created by not letting him go, leading me to then worry that I was going to start doing this for every appointment. The appointment would be moved back so therefor I would still need to go through the whole process eventually, why delay it? I would have health visitors, Doctors etc judging me and perhaps even quite concerned by my behaviour and most importantly, I would be doing my son a huge disservice. <br /><br />And so with the appointment approaching I put on my determined head and promised myself, that even if I couldn't attend it with him, due to distance, then I would go through every panic attack that hit me and endure each wave of fear. Feel the fear and do it anyway. <br /><br />We are told repeatedly that the more we challenge these thoughts and behaviours, the less our anxiety will succeed. Our body's and minds will become used to the challenges and we will experience lesser and lesser reactions in difficult times. Sounds great in theory but I am constantly challenging this particular fear and the horrendous battle that takes places doesn't feel to be decreasing THAT much. <br /><br />For someone who doesn't experience separation anxiety then just compare this to whatever your challenge may be. This is the same reaction I would have when trying to push my physical boundaries, however, even in that situation I feel I would have more control as id simply turn the car around and head back to my little safe bubble.<br /><br />But where is the escape for me today? I cant stop my son going to his appointment, and so here I am ready to ride it out. And right now, as I write, I am riding those familiar waves.<br /><br />I was actually less nervous as the appointment approached. Less nervous than I would usually be, a good sign! I had my new medication on hand should I need it, as I did last time. And the usual coping techniques that I have use time and time again. <br /><br />Plan Of Attack!! <br /><br />Keep busy on the morning of the appointment. Don't allow myself to sit about an over think.<br />Hand Nathan over and get my head distracted by something else. <br />If the anxiety is getting too much, step the distraction up a gear. Do some big job in the house that i have been avoiding (Wallpapering anyone?)<br />If the anxiety is still not passing, call someone to come sit with me. <br />If the anxiety is STILL not passing do star jumps lol ... honestly! (burn the adrenalin)<br />Take a beta blocker<br />
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If all else fails... head to the doctors surgery.<br /><br />So.... here I am. And what Have I done? I've handed him over and BEFORE he'd even left, I took a beta blocker. Why bother experiencing the peak of my symptoms when I have this to cushion the blow? But what if it doesn't work? When half an hour had passed I assumed it must be working and I definitely did feel somewhat more comfortable, but the panic was still looming. With Nathan gone I decided to clear out the loft/attic. Manual labour, plus loud music on headphones could work. And yeh I guess it did for a little but my loft is pretty tidy already. Heart rate growing again.. Hot humid day so I'm also sweating. Since I have challenged my thoughts before and now know I will not pass out, I will not stop breathing... my head decided to play a new fun game! Lets make up NEW horrible possibilities. My legs feel weak so perhaps I'm going to lose the use of my legs? Such fun! <br /><br />So my brain is going 200mph, I am now hot and sweaty, and since I took my beta blocker I should have quite an even heart rate, but instead its going like the clappers cause im running around the house like a nut case trying to find things to do! Its actually a pretty funny image. Neurotic to the core. <br /><br />In the end I have got myself into a nice cosy quiet room, and I have started to write. My head feels fuzzy with the whole crappy situation but the clock is ticking by and my son is getting the assessment done as I write. The panic is gone, the anxiety is ...... in the pit of my stomach and threatening to rise. But I have my water and if I really cant handle it, I can take another beta blocker by now. Even if its only working psychologically ill use it for now, but I don't think im going to need it. <br /><br />What would be better here? If I had went with him there would be no separation anxiety but instead there would be the ARRRGGHHH im so far away from home. Nathan would know something was wrong, and I doubt id be any use at all in a meeting. So for now this needs to be endured. Not forgetting the next 3 appointments this month. Ill be a pro at this in no time! <br /><br />Of course im telling myself im completely irrational. That there is nothing to fear here. That I should enjoy the time on my own, childfree. Drink tea and chat to friends, surf the net, read or sleep. Nathan will be back in no time at all demanding my attention and driving me crazy! And I should praise any achievement no matter how small. I didn't avoid this meeting. Nathan is where he should be. Pat on the back for me. But it never really feels that great does it? What would feel great would be to never have to go through this stuff in the first place. But such is life and since I like to think im quite a positive person ill say, well at least im quite an interesting character. Id hate to be boring!<br /><br />In the meantime I will leave you with a link to a site which someone left in my comments. I had a read and im going to give this a try. Its so cheap that it would be silly not to give it a go. Hope you are all well and battling away! xxx <br /><br /><a href="http://www.watercures.org/water-cure.html">http://www.watercures.org/water-cure.html</a><br /><br />
Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-23048287259755302822014-06-24T11:34:00.000+01:002014-06-24T11:34:26.462+01:00Riding The WavesThis morning has been tough! <br />
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A challenge that only those with anxiety will understand.<br />
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My son has a hospital appointment which we have been waiting a few months for. Nothing serious, but important all the same. We have discovered that Nathan may need his tonsils and adenoids removed and today is the day we find out if that is going to happen.<br />
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So..... heres me with agoraphobia and separation anxiety. I cannot attend the appointment myself, as its just too far out of my comfort zone. My mum has always been the one who would be taking him today. But as the day as loomed closer, I have found my anxiety rising. <br />
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Why?<br />
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Probably only one reason. What if I panic while he is gone? What if I cant get him home quickly enough to stop the anxiety flooding through my body? What if I lose it? I could freak out, pass out, stop breathing.... and the vicious circle of negative thoughts has continued.<br />
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My rational head tells me that my son will always come first. That no matter how uncomfortable I find myself, I will ride it out. I will face the fear, suffer the anxiety, and he will go to his appointment and it will all be ok. Even if I am completely debilitated I will deal with that, as long as Nathan gets to where he is meant to be. Because at the end of the day, this appointment is a step towards him feeling better.\<br />
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\Rational thinking can leave pretty quickly when your gripped with panic.<br />
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His appointment was at 11.20am and so my plan was that he would stay with My mum the night before. I planned to stay up late watching movies in the hope that I would sleep the morning away. When I woke up, Nathan would be home, or at least ALMOST home. But like plans can often do, it didn't quite work out that way. <br />
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I went to sleep at 5am and woke at 9. My anxiety began. My body was tense, hands sweating, mouth dry, heart pounding. Really uncomfortable sensations. And throughout it all I had this internal dialogue making every feeling get stronger. 'I cant do this', 'I need to bring him home', 'I need to cancel this appointment', 'I will get in so much trouble for this'. The thoughts raced through my head and I was trying to think of a way to avoid dealing with any of it. The best way to stop this, was to stop the appointment happening.<br />
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But with doing that I would create a whole new anxiety. And that anxiety would be accompanied by crippling guilt. How is my son ever going to grow, live a full, happy, healthy life, If I behave in this way? I am doing wrong by him. I am failing him. Surely to be a good mother you need to not think about your own needs and think of the needs of your children?<br />
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So I battled. <br />
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I can handle my panic attacks. I can handle the fear, the terror! I can deal with all the horrendous physical and mental activity as long as I can breathe. But this morning my chest was tight and I struggled to get a full breath.<br />
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This sensation made it feel impossible for me to cope. I was going to lose it for sure. <br />
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I had visions of me running into the street crying for help. Driving to the local doctors. Calling friends and pleading with them to rush over.<br />
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Doctors<br />
Neighbours<br />
Help<br />
Cant Breathe<br />
Ambulance<br />
Ambulance<br />
Its passing<br />
No, No its coming<br />
Doctor<br />
Help<br />
Falling<br />
I cant take this<br />
Do I need a paper bag<br />
How can I get a breath<br />
in through the nose lynn<br />
Be Calm<br />
Its not passing<br />
Help<br />
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Many people, when reaching this state of anxiety, will reach for the Xanax (or something similar). Despite the extreme anxiety I have never taken anything like that, but always had some handy 'just in case'. Again, this was another cause of anxiety. The what ifs when taking a new pill. Not knowing if I would have a bad reaction to them. And I've argued with myself so many times, that maybe that little pill would help me in life. Just taking that little tablet will take the edge off and help me to progress? Maybe the fact I haven't even been willing to TRY them has held me back. Maybe I would travel further, take more risks, if I would just take that chance! Fear of the unknown has always stopped me. <br />
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What kind of life is this? I live in a bubble or security. Scared to push beyond that and therefore limiting my life and my experiences in so many ways. Im doing myself a huge disservice and for what? To feel ok? So I don't drink.....because I don't want to freak out by the 'drunk' sensation. I want to stay in control. I don't want to suffer panic attacks the next day (which I always did after a night on the wine). I don't take drugs..... because they are bad. But even the recreational ones that obviously DO make some people feel good, well I just wouldn't take the chance. I used to LOVE a night out with the girls. A few drinks and that lovely merry drunken feeling. Talking about random things, laughing till your head hurt. Feeling more confidence, dancing the night away without a care in the world. I am depriving myself of such a simple thing and for what? Fear. Fear of the unknowns and the what ifs. Its bad enough that as an agoraphobic I deprive myself of travelling, seeing the world, experiencing other cultures and living a fuller life. But when its affecting even the way you live your life at home.... well it sucks. I want to go to the local pub and get drunk. I want to be the Lynn I was before. Who just did what she wanted and didn't think about the what ifs. Relax for god sake! Lighten Up! Live a Little. I feel like a bore!! And I was NEVER a bore! I was a fantastic drunk and absolutely hilarious (to my alcohol fuelled self lol)<br />
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So I've kind of strayed off the subject a little, but you get what im saying. This uptight control freak behaviour sucks. But it keeps us safe. We know what to expect, and we know what we can handle. But is that living? <br />
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An outsider looking at me would probably think I'm quite boring. Straight laced. Sensible. Careful. reserved. But who I really want to be, if I could be anyone, do anything? Id like to be the girl on the beach surrounded by friends, laughing, having fun. Travelling from country to country and meeting new people on my travels. Id like to live abroad, somewhere warm and beautiful, next to the ocean. Id like to have a drink and socialise and eat nice food and share jokes. Id like my son and I to experience the whole world together and for him to grow up with confidence, ambition and drive. All the things I want to be and all the things I want to do are the polar opposite of who I am right now. So am I happy? I guess not. I'm unfulfilled. I'm sad. I'm lonely. And there's no one to blame for that but me. I don't actively fight it the way I used to. I tell myself that ill do those things 'one day' but I don't really make any steps towards achieving it. I stay safe. And I appreciate that within that safety net I have a lot to be grateful for. Ill never forget those years when I couldn't leave my house. I practically couldn't leave one room. I could never be on my own. And so what I have become now HAS taken work, and it has shown strength and ill never take those successes for grated. I know there are people out there who as in a much worse place than me so please don't think of me as ungrateful. I am lucky to be where I am. But there is so much more to life. And I want to live it.<br />
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Back on to this morning. The waves of panic were getting quite unbearable and I got to the point when I decided I was stopping the appointment. My parents would be disappointed, my sons future health was hindered. The nursery staff would judge me. I was setting myself up for more unhappiness, stress and anxiety. This appointment wasn't going to go away. Id need to go through this all again at a later date so procrastinating was only leading to more upset. Feel the fear and do it anyway, isn't that what they say?<br />
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The panic always passes. It does comes in waves. Some waves are bigger than others. Some take longer to pass, but they DO always pass. And so my rational voice was battling to be heard. <br />
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'No. I will not give into this'. 'I will face this and I will deal with whatever comes next. My son is going. And I will not do this anymore.'<br />
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As my chest tightened again and I struggled for breath I thought to myself.... 'Fuck this'<br />
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I reached into the cabinet and I found the pills that I have never ever relied on before. Why am I allowing myself to suffer like this when I've been told that this little tablet can help me. It can take the edge off all this. It stops the physical symptoms of anxiety apparently. The sweating, the shaking, the heart pounding, but best of all... it stops the shortness of breath and the tightening of the chest. I popped the packet and I took it.<br />
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For anyone else this is nothing. Its regular. They pop pills for all sorts of ailments. But that's just not me. So this small thing was actually a massive step for me. I handed that control to something else. My fear was always that id panic (surprise eh), I was scared id take the pill, and then I would freak out. Cause once you've swallowed it there's not much you can do. But as I swallowed I felt relief. A sense of strength, pride even! That I had faced it and gone down a different route.<br />
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And here I am. My son is now miles away at his appointment. I'm sitting here anxiety free. No horrendous symptoms. No discomfort. And I don't need to face weeks of guilt and shame for hindering his progress. I could have spent today hating myself and fretting about the future and all the things I cannot control. But instead I tell myself that I faced today with some inner strength and I won. Today has been a good day Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-9189886050847498392014-01-05T00:25:00.001+00:002014-01-05T00:25:30.495+00:00Hello 2014 the year of... MEOh yes this will be my year. It's going to be filled with positivity and happiness and wonderful new experiences and joy and laughter and ..... Well it better be cause 2013 SUCKED<div><br></div><div>Ok I I'm more of a 'glass half full' kind of girl so I'd like to focus on the GOOD from last year. </div><div><br></div><div>1. I survived it </div><div>2. I survived another year as a mother which deserves even more credit as it was the year of the 'terrible twos'</div><div>3. I stayed sane. </div><div>4. I kicked out my cheating, draining, manipulative boyfriend. </div><div>5. I had some good times with friends. </div><div>6. Attended all important events in my son Nathan's life. </div><div>7. Had a lovely Christmas.. Kind of</div><div><br></div><div>I'm sure there are more but I'm picking those off the top of my head. The year started off difficult in my unhappy relationship. Nathan's dad was there in body but not in mind. I've always felt I raise Nathan alone and so for much of the time I was very very tired. </div><div><br></div><div>When I finally found out that Gerry, the boyfriend, was cheating again. I kicked him out and took great pride in that. I knew it was the right thing to do and that now my life could only get better, right? </div><div><br></div><div>Well what followed was just more stress, which I wrote about in the previous post. Arguments and access agreements along with trying to adjust to life without him.. Again. It's definitely possible to love someone and hate them at the same time. </div><div><br></div><div>In the past few months we have drifted further apart. Contact has been limited but I've watched as Gerry moves away (through work). Starts a new relationship and generally seems quite happy. And that's where I struggle. </div><div><br></div><div>How come I'm still upset? How come I'm stuck in the past, reminiscing about the good times? There weren't that many and yet I can't let go. I'm sick of people saying to me 'you need to move on'. That's a lot easier said than done! I loved that guy. I was engaged to be married for a reason and I had his baby. He hurt me over and over and over and I kept on taking him back. Was it love or was it low self respect? Even now I'm not entirely sure. But I'll admit there have been times in the last few months when is still have welcomed him home. </div><div><br></div><div>All reason and rational thinking goes out the window. I was never happy, he was never supportive. In fact he was the opposite! My agoraphobia was a MASSIVE issue and ended up being his reason for all the things he did to me. Genuine reason or poor cop out? You decide. </div><div><br></div><div>But I think what makes me weak is missing that sense of belonging. Missing the 'family' set up. Feeling a part of something. So from 5 years with a guy I loved more than I have ever loved anyone. Talking about marriage. Having our son. Planning more. Looking to the future. Well from all that 'familiarity' I'm</div><div>Suddenly on my own. </div><div><br></div><div>Huge positives can be gained from this! I am no longer often in tears. I'm no longer living a life where I am walking on egg shells. I no longer expect some random woman to contact me through facebook or whatever to tell me she's sleeping with my partner. I can watch what I want on tv without my choice of program being critised. I can go see friends and family whenever I like without being times then given into trouble for taking so long. Reestablish friendships that had been neglected. Invite whoever I want into my own home. I had freedom!!! </div><div><br></div><div>But with the highs come the lows. God it's boring at times. And wow it is lonely. </div><div><br></div><div>Being agoraphobic I don't have lots and lots of friends. But at 32, my friends are all living their own lives. They are married with kids or have careers going on which means they aren't always available. I have some friends where i can call them for a chat but they don't really invite me to so anything as they probably expect it to be outwith my comfort zone. If only they knew that I'd be happy even to visit then in their home before I go insane with the tedium of everything being the same humdrum routine day in and day out. </div><div><br></div><div>I had a brief period last year when I felt so stressed that I really felt something was going to give. I felt I needed to speak to someone about my stress levels and get it under control and fast. But I'm realising I do actually understand my body really well now and when this stuff happens I feel able to cope and get through.</div><div><br></div><div>Ever since my last post I've been fine. Nathan is probably the main factor. With a little boy to raise you just have to keep going and step up to the mark. I am always very aware that I should be doing more but I am also very aware that I'm also doing really well under the circumstances. </div><div><br></div><div>I've taken Nathan to nursery everyday on my own, even when I've wanted to avoid it. I've attended all meeting with the child psychologist regarding his behaviour issues (possible autism although still undiagnosed) </div><div>We have played together. Walked. Laughed. And all the usual things, done the shopping, visited friends and family. And he's a happy little boy of whom I am very very proud. </div><div><br></div><div>I've allowed his dad access when I've been crippled with anxiety about letting him go. </div><div><br></div><div>And at Christmas I was able to spoil him rotten with a ridiculous amount if gifts and enjoyed every second if creating magical memories. Just us. </div><div><br></div><div>In a way I am really proud that I've managed to keep it together. We have a lovely home which is always spotless. Nathan is always well dressed and presentable. To an outsider we are just a normal little family and it's nice. And I tell myself in so lucky and fortunate for all these things. And I need to also appreciate that every day I'm away from my ex, it's another step in the right direction. Another step towards peace, happiness and strength. </div><div><br></div><div>And so I begin this year still single. I have thought about starting new relationships but tell myself to take this time to focus on me. Focus on Nathan. These special years together, as they pass so quickly. It would be fantastic to meet someone new who accepted me, my son, my anxiety, my limitations. But I'm realistic and I know that's a lot to take on. A few months ago things were bad with the ex and there were lawyers involved so it definitely wasn't the right time. Yes I have found myself signing up to 'internet dating' but I ask myself how that's going to work exactly. How can I tell someone... Well I don't want anything serious because I'm</div><div>Focusing on my son right now. I also suffer from anxiety/agoraphobia so I won't really be able to go on a date with you, at least not somewhere far. Maybe the local pub near me which is pretty dismal and that's about it? It seems a bit pointless and so I'll let things happen naturally and hopefully I will meet someone at some point. </div><div><br></div><div>So I lie here in my bed, Nathan's asleep in his, and I spend the nights mostly on my own. With the nursery being on holiday for Christmas we or should I say I, have gotten a little lazy. Our routine has changed slightly and I'm in a bit if a rut. My days are pretty much always the same. But I live my life anxiety free. </div><div><br></div><div>Sounds ok in theory but I'm not really living. I'm just existing. I want more and I'm glad I have that desire within me. I'm looking forward to Nathan starting nursery next week and creating a fuller life for us. I plan on rejoining the gym, which I kind of gave up last year. I plan on going out more and even if I'm tired or feeling lazy, I'll make myself go do something. I'm bored! And there's no one to blame but myself. As an agoraphobic and someone so stuck in routine I don't think like other people. I don't wake up and think 'ooooo what will I do today, where will I go'? I just think 'ok I'll have breakfast. Go a walk. Then prob just go home again' it's boring!! I need a bigger variety of things to do and again that's easier said than done but it needs to start somewhere. I'm also very conscience of Nathan thinking that this routine is normal life. That he is raised in this little bubble with no desire for more. No ambition! So it's just not happening anymore. </div><div><br></div><div>I approach 2014 independent. Stronger. Positive. And excited. </div><div><br></div><div>Is it weird that as an agoraphobe I'm finding myself say 'to hell with anxiety I think I would like to jump on a 18 hour flight and move to Australia'? (Yes that MIGHT prove a little difficult but you can't mock my ambition, if I can just get to my local doctors for some sedatives first' </div><div><br></div><div>I know that anything is possible if we try. It really is!!! And I know that positively undoubtedly attracts positive things. I've seen it for myself time and time again. I don't experience anxiety that much because I've Actually found myself thinking 'we'll if I have a panic attack and completely freak out I will need to go to hospital in an ambulance and at least id be out doing something. It might be quite exciting' clearly with that attitude the panic is never going to happen (touch wood) </div><div><br></div><div>I discovered the blogger app on my phone tonight so I can see me posting much more often now from my bed as I nod off to sleep. You may need to read the weary rantings of a stressed out mum or the happy positive tales of a successful day out. Who knows. Either way, it's nice to be back xxx </div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuKugE5RNODXKTutDBYcBkdWq7VH4o-u-0YHB-RHrymjjJnp8uIavvxJzMAKZdweovYejq7wEVSF78jt3DrdYD01bhzUdtpVY9DJ4VngpPpCAZSAntYXXWZQnBO-VPbQJsFqwrGlDOQjk/s640/blogger-image--1233230086.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuKugE5RNODXKTutDBYcBkdWq7VH4o-u-0YHB-RHrymjjJnp8uIavvxJzMAKZdweovYejq7wEVSF78jt3DrdYD01bhzUdtpVY9DJ4VngpPpCAZSAntYXXWZQnBO-VPbQJsFqwrGlDOQjk/s640/blogger-image--1233230086.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhq_8ZHjDCSrWg0fofSKwBOKKSfQGl2HlgLXm2ui3CpnCarB3vS1X2bcIVZit6nzIsN7rKdjJlzpXxd2X89ISmMmAXupcy7QE1LyjoB-wbAiasKItEUApjTFb131dCWxW9FJuGrAXZdOUU/s640/blogger-image--1166752365.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhq_8ZHjDCSrWg0fofSKwBOKKSfQGl2HlgLXm2ui3CpnCarB3vS1X2bcIVZit6nzIsN7rKdjJlzpXxd2X89ISmMmAXupcy7QE1LyjoB-wbAiasKItEUApjTFb131dCWxW9FJuGrAXZdOUU/s640/blogger-image--1166752365.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicjWFfrmT0Q7aKobjFqXtYfRTLMAHNk2AIeEhy3A5rKZvi7CdraPgV1eRrUIu9CsHmrDwsBVBqjok88sGpgxqEzDXKi_evG7EPEGNH3PUAeg2zMnpjld-vD_HwMs7EZpOGbam4AE29_dc/s640/blogger-image-1849983504.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicjWFfrmT0Q7aKobjFqXtYfRTLMAHNk2AIeEhy3A5rKZvi7CdraPgV1eRrUIu9CsHmrDwsBVBqjok88sGpgxqEzDXKi_evG7EPEGNH3PUAeg2zMnpjld-vD_HwMs7EZpOGbam4AE29_dc/s640/blogger-image-1849983504.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqH7CEYO1mcXqsCNkookyIjiHEOgyl8_-Cng-eBuh7ILklU_hyesIpWB_tVOrb5Qo4AiXt-ItN82JChaMJhH5OJTVY1a7FtPrlNFkwVwx1piKDlpIa0q6KCbkcqNmI_uUxoWUKRUqetXQ/s640/blogger-image--829159281.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqH7CEYO1mcXqsCNkookyIjiHEOgyl8_-Cng-eBuh7ILklU_hyesIpWB_tVOrb5Qo4AiXt-ItN82JChaMJhH5OJTVY1a7FtPrlNFkwVwx1piKDlpIa0q6KCbkcqNmI_uUxoWUKRUqetXQ/s640/blogger-image--829159281.jpg"></a></div><br></div>Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-65745249862749497042013-09-11T23:27:00.002+01:002013-09-12T18:11:27.778+01:00Stress Stress StressHello!<br />
<br />
This is the longest I have ever went without posting. There are a few reasons but mostly just life! Life has gotten in the way and there has been a lot of diversions in my way.<br />
<br />
This has been 1 tough year! I like to think that I can be pretty strong but sometimes things can get in top of me, and the last few months have been no exception.<br />
<br />
So to sum up the mental side of my life, for those who haven't read my blog before'. I am 32 years old, I have had anxiety since I was 19, which lead to full blown agoraphobia at the age of around 22/23. After 5 years of doing NOTHING but sitting at home, I fought back. I fell in love, I got engaged, I got pregnant, I got a house and I moved out of the family home. I learned to drive. I started living again. I pushed the boundaries. Took on new challenges that I never imagined would ever be possible! I kicked anxieties ass to be honest. But then life got in the way.<br />
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My relationship turned sour in the most horrendous way. Cheating, mental and verbal abuse. Then physical abuse. The police were involved, Court dates, yadda yadda yadda. But I stayed strong and I kept fighting the anxiety. I took him back. Yeh I know I am an idiot but we all do crazy things when in love. And I tried to make it work, keep the family together. But as I knew it would the cheating and the unhappiness happened all over again, just as I knew it would. <br />
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So.... that brings us to this year. We started the year together, Nathans dad and I. Why did he cheat? Well because of my agoraphobia. He wants to live a life full of travel and excitement and he wants to share those experiences with a partner. And so although I knew he went about it in the wrong way (over and over and over again) I also felt like I couldn't really blame him. Maybe that's wrong but its how I felt. We didn't do anything together. He wasn't a very hands on father and worked away A LOT. So I was left raising Nathan alone. I found it really difficult focusing on tackling my anxiety when I had other responsibilities to deal with.<br />
<br />
Being a Mum<br />
<br />
Breakfast, Bath, Get dressed, Go to the shops, Lunch Time, Nap time, Play time, Dinner, Pajamas on, Bed.<br />
<br />
So when and where do I fit in getting out there and pushing?? When do I fight back?<br />
<br />
Do I take my son out in the car and see how far I can go? I suppose that's possible but I never really felt it was fair on him. Especially if I did panic. A 2 year old ain't gonna help me out is he? <br />
<br />
And so every day blurred into the next. Days turned into weeks and weeks to months. My partner would arrive home after working away and I would just enjoy seeing him. I was happy to make a meal and just be a family at home. Cuddle up and share our sons experiences. <br />
<br />
'Look how much he has grown and hes learned so many new words this week. Watch this new thing he can do' <br />
<br />
I was proud. He was only ever home for a couple of days at a time. And so we never really made plans. Big mistake I guess, looking back. But my limitations had crept back up on me and I wasn't comfortable doing much.<br />
<br />
Within my little bubble I could function fine. Going small walks and drives. Taking Nathan to the park. Visiting friends and family. But there isn't much in my little town. Certainly no nice restaurants or recreational facilities. To do those things we would need to travel further. And since I wasn't getting a chance to practise that stuff, well I couldn't suddenly just do it because my partner wanted me to. As much as I might have liked to.<br />
<br />
I did explain that we needed to start small. That when he was home he should come with Nathan and I to the park. We should try swimming in the new pool. Small family things. Get me used to being with him again as I was always doing things alone. Just Nathan and I. <br />
<br />
We went to the park once. Just once. <br />
<br />
He continued to work and work and when he was home he would explain he had a night out with the boys planned, which I was always ok with. He deserves it, he works hard!<br />
<br />
He wasn't on nights out with the boys. He was out with other women. Nights out, champagne, hotel stays. Some will say it was wrong. Some will say he needed it. Its irrelevant now.<br />
<br />
Round about April I realised the extent of what had been doing on and so I asked him to leave. I packed up all his stuff and closed the door. Time to start again.<br />
<br />
I felt pride that I had stood up for myself. Cause I knew that what he did was wrong. I was keeping house and raising Nathan, doing a good job of both. Ok I have anxiety issues but here is no need for that kind of betrayal. And so for the first few months I was strong, probably because I was angry.<br />
<br />
But time passes and emotions change. I went through anger, then I went numb, kind of blocked it out. We kept in touch now and then by phone but there was no real contact. He had moved with his work and was now a plane trip away. Probably the best for us, but not really the best for being a dad.<br />
<br />
We went through 7 weeks with no visits. Nathan got the odd phone call or facetime but that was it. Then 3 weeks ago he said he was coming up and wanted to see his son. <br />
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I have explained on here before that I have been struggling with separation anxiety when it comes to Nathan. I don't mind him being away from me, but due to my own issues with distance, I don't like when I know hes far away. Ive always said I would let my agoraphobia affect him as little as possible. So ive had to suck it up and let it go. When he goes out for the day with his grandparents, sometimes im fine. Sometimes I struggle. I can never really predict how i'm going to react. But I am used to them taking him out, I am not used to his dad taking him out. So... I can get really nervous. Call it irrational but its all anxiety pretty irrational?<br />
<br />
So he came up for his first visit and it was pretty horrendous. Throughout all the years we were together I kind of shut down my emotions as I just couldn't handle anymore pain. Im generally pretty numb now and don't really express emotions at all. I never cry. never. But when he came back into our home I felt it. My anxiety and pain all came to the surface and it was scary! I cried, I felt sick, I panicked. God I must have been attractive!! But I also felt like it was a release I had been needing for a long long time. Why did I feel those things? Well I realised that there was no hatred there anymore. Yes I will never forgive or forget what he has done, but mostly I was just heartbroken that our family was in tatters. And that my son will now be raised without a full time dad. That he will never remember us being a couple. I was also very aware that my back up was gone. My support. Someone to take a little bit of the parental pressure off whenever he was home from work. This was it now. I was on my own.<br />
<br />
My devastation changed nothing. In those moments I would have taken him back. As crazy as I know that is, I'm just telling the truth. I would have had him back in a heartbeat. But he didn't want it. Said he couldn't go back to that life. And so he was gone.<br />
<br />
What now? Back to the grind. Full time mum head back on. Emotions reeled back in, huge wall built around myself I got on with things. Mum duties commenced and I was OK. I decided that I have had enough of anxiety, of limitations. I am tired of looking at facebook and feeling envy towards the people checking in at the airport, or posting pictures of family days out at the beach. Do they know how truly lucky they are?<br />
<br />
So I called my doctor and told them I needed some help. I told them its high time my meds are changed because mines just do not work. Ive been on them for over ten years so I must be immune by now! Ive been talking about changing for a long time but avoided it like everything else. I also explained that I am exhausted ALL. THE. TIME. So we arranged for some blood tests to be done. Something else I had been meaning to get round to. Apparently they are giving me a really good check up and are testing for all sorts, anaemia, thyroid problems etc. All tests done, the results are due any day. <br />
<br />
So while all this is going on something even more important happened when I was called into the nursery. The teachers wanted to have a word with me about Nathan. OK so at this point Nathan was 2 and a half years old, but they had noticed a few things that concerned them. Nathans speech was quite immature, but I just assumed this was a 'boy thing'. My nephews were quite slow with their talking and so it never overly worried me. His speech and a few other behaviours were discussed, very minor things, but they asked if I would mind if the education psychologist could observe him (along with a few of the other children) Obviously I agreed and so I was called back in a few weeks later for the results. Basically I have a very happy very clever little boy, but he is showing some signs of autism. <br />
<br />
At 2 and a half they don't want to label him as it is too early to tell. But he has been referred to speech and language therapy and we are taking it from there. The psychologist did say things like 'will struggle at school' which did come as a surprise to me as I do agree that hes very clever, but only time will tell. However, this is the start of a long process of meetings and obviously a worrying time too. So the stress levels are being thoroughly tested. <br />
<br />
3 weeks back at work and Nathans dad announces hes coming back for a visit. This time he doesn't want to see me, he wants to take Nathan away on his own. We have had a total communication breakdown now and all we do is fight. Via phone, via email, via text. And so I thought I would do the sensible thing and contact a lawyer. I thought it would be best to have a 3rd party make the necessary arrangements as we just cannot talk to one another anymore. He did not like this at all. I would have thought it would suit him better, as it protects him too, but he wasn't happy. After a lot more texts back and forth he finally agreed he would contact his lawyer. BUT since he doesn't have time to do it on this visit he wants Nathan before the agreement is made. Tomorrow. <br />
<br />
So the arrangement is that Nathans granddad will pick him up and take him to his dad. And I feel ill. I know this has to be done. Would I be feeling ok about this if I didn't have the anxiety issues? I don't want it but im decent enough to know that what hes done to me shouldn't affect his relationship with his son. And Nathan will be happy to see his dad.<br />
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And so the saga continues................................<br /><br />What never fails to amaze me is the physical symptoms extreme stress can cause. In the worst moments I have literally felt like my brain has expanded and my head is swimming. The saying 'cant think straight' is an understatement. I've had palpitations, sweats, panic, breathlessness, dizzy spells, pins and needles in my hands, and really crappy thoughts. Someone described this as 'stinking thinking' which I thought was quite good. Dealing with the mental and physical symptoms of stress is scary! But in a way its been a good challenge for me as I have faced it, accepted it and found out the best ways to keep myself comfortable. Sometimes I have felt like something is ready to give. Surely I cannot handle another blow, ill lose it! But I surprise myself that eventually I pull myself together and it passes. I am staying positive and telling myself that ive had a bit of a tough time but I am still strong and still focused on a good life for myself and Nathan. And now I am completely single and the unhealthy relationship is over, surely things can only get better? Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-92100400868119627242013-05-08T00:06:00.001+01:002013-05-08T00:06:21.741+01:0024 hours in my headHello!!!! <br />
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Cant quite believe my last post was in January. I knew it had been a while but JEEZ! Many apologies im sure you have all been on the edge of your seats to hear about the latest goings on in my life (yes im being sarcastic) So firstly a quick update. I am still working and I am still a non smoker. YEY! High 5s all round.<br /><br />The website has completely changed and grew quite a lot since I last wrote. I am now working from <a href="http://www.cherishedgifts.co.uk/">www.cherishedgifts.co.uk</a>.<br />
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That's the basics. What else can I report.<br /><br />I missed my best friends wedding. Couldn't make the journey and was totally gutted, but I put the memory into a little box in my brain never to be revisited (until blogging). Why dwell on it and upset myself? I didn't make it, I cant change it I can only look forward.<br /><br />Winter here has lasted forever. Today has been our first day of sun and its really had an effect. I have been feeling very 'flat'. Usually by this time of year we have had a few weeks of sunshine. Im rocking a nice little tan and all the lovely vitamins from the sun have perked me up and im quite a happy soul. The grey gloom has pulled me down a bit, and the demand of the website has caused a few issues. <br /><br />I have customers who are relying on me. That's pressure. I have deliveries that need to be made on time. That's pressure. If I was to describe the ins and outs I would bore you but lets just say a lot of time and energy needs to go into the business and it all equals pressure and stress which for someone with anxiety, isn't necessarily a good thing.<br />
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On the outside im sure I look like im in control. Im doing well. Nathan is doing great, such a happy boy as always. Inside my head is spinning. Join me for 24 hours in my head. ...<br /><br />Uch its 6 am<br />What will we do today<br />I cant travel many places with Nathan. That's not fair on him<br />Am I a crap mum<br />Better give him breakfast.<br />Poor Nathan deserves better than this<br />Its raining where can we go<br />
We cant stay in all day its not fair on Nathan and I need out<br />
Everyones at work, no one to visit. Cant go anywhere decent on my own with him... too nervous<br />We will go a walk.<br />
Post mans been. Deliveries. Lets sort these orders. <br />
whos is this, where does this go, need to get these sorted<br />
'be there in a minute Nathan mummies busy'<br />
This isn't fair on him either.<br />
Parcels ready.<br />
Tidy the house, bath time. look out clothes.<br />
Poor Nathan sitting watching tv alone... bored im sure. Bad mum<br />
OK we will go to the post office and the shop. At least we are getting out<br />
Jobs done... now what. <br />
Weve been out for half an hour, that's not enough.<br />
Where to go? We will go a walk.<br />
Ive walked where I can comfortably walk to. Poor Nathan this isn't enough.<br />
Hes pulling to go further but mummys pulling him back in another direction with some excuse.<br />
(passing my relfection in a mirror) god I look tired<br />
I am tired<br />
Im exhausted.<br />
I need to eat better<br />
I eat a lot of junk!<br />
I am getting no goodness from my food<br />
I should really look into getting some vitamins.<br />
I wonder if im ill<br />
Im always tired. Wonder if theres something more to it?<br />
IM awfully thin looking. Not good<br />
And when will I get to a dentist. My teeth are a mess<br />
But im too scared. I don't like that numbness and the fact I cant control it<br />
Lunch time. What to make<br />
Soup again Nathan. Boring. Easy. Crap Mum<br />
What now?<br />
Draw, play? Pass time<br />
Dinner. Mediocre. As long as you eat im happy, but wheres the goodness in that meal. bad mum<br />
Bed time. Story time. Love love love you baby. <br />
Guilt<br />
He deserves more<br />
He will get more<br />
Ill do better<br />
when im stronger<br />
He has love and a happy home. That's what matters<br />
He is clever and happy. That's what matters<br />
I will make sure he grows up full of dreams and ambition<br />
He wont end up like me<br />
am I making him like me?<br />
Work on the website<br />
Work<br />
work<br />
work<br />
stress<br />
anxiety<br />
work<br />
lights out. am I ok<br />
im anxious and that had all gone<br />
Am I depressed? ive never been depressed. I don't want to be depressed.<br />
maybe my meds aren't working anymore<br />
do I need to try new ones<br />
I don't want to try new ones<br />
sleep<br />
wake up<br />
what will we do today?<br />
Thank god he has nursery so hes being entertained and not stuck with me<br />
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And congratulations you have just spent 24 hours in my head. Not good at the moment. But I know why. And I know how to fix it. <br />
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I would come on here and tell you all the good things that have been going on. Inspire you to keep pushing. But is it realistic? Yes it can be. It can be all good. I can be easy when in the right frame of mind. But I wanted to be honest and show that sometimes it can be shitty again. But whats important is to recognise what's going on and WHY.<br /><br />I have been working too much, taking too much on. Not looking after myself. Not eating well enough. Not exercising at all. Not making time for things to help me relax. and I feel that's what I need to focus on now. Natural positivity. But again most importantly im not living in the now. Im not enjoying the moment. I am miles ahead of myself freaking myself out with 'what ifs' that haven't even happened yet. Time to slow down. Chill out and BREATHE!!!<br />
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No wonder im exhausted with my head spinning over those subjects ALL day and I mean ALL day. How on earth im not back on the ciggies I will never know but I guess it shows a strength. A strength that I know I have within. And its the strength im holding onto now and I know this, like every other downer, will pass<br /><br />Live in the now people. Dont dwell on the past or worry about the future. Baby Steps. Day to Day. Breathe. Relax. Be calm. Breathe. Relax. Be calm xxx<br /><br />
Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-12478211204996206882013-01-08T19:53:00.000+00:002013-01-08T20:59:58.078+00:00Christmas, New Year & New BeginningsHello lovely blogland peeps Let me first say Merry Christmas, Happy New year, Happy Thanksgiving and happy birthday.... if i have missed any other greetings then i apologise profuseley!!! It has been a crazy month and i just have not had the time OR the energy to update my blog so here i am with an overdue update.<br />
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So i ended my last post talking about a psychic, a new man and a job. And since i should keep things in date order to make it simple i will start with the job.<br />
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As the winter months approached I found myself and Nathan spending less time outdoors and becoming less active. As always this was beginning to affect my mood and it was a major case of groundhog day for me. Every day felt like an exact replica of the one before, and the one before that. I was getting fed up, anxious and irritable. What to do?<br />
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On facebook one night i noticed a women i know who has a hair salon discussing looking for a new receptionist. I know the salon was well within my comfort zone, and i already knew the girls who worked there. Not very well, they have no idea about my agoraphobia, but enough that i wouldnt feel totally out of my depth at my first job in 10 years!! And so i sent the woman i private message and put myself forward. It was a Thursday night and within about 10 minutes i was told i could start on the Saturday morning. <br />
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I was totally delighted. I knew the work would never be a huge challange but that wasnt what it was about for me. it was about getting back out there, meeting new people and gaining some confidence!Plus after so many years unempolyed it would be the much needed start to a new CV. <br />
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Of course i was worried that i wouldnt be able to do it. Being tied to appointment times can make me nervous enough so the thought that i would be expected in the salon at a specific time seemed daunting but the fact that i would be expected to stay there for 8 hours and not run home made me really unsure. But i wanted to do it, i felt i NEEDED it and so i started that Saturday morning and i havent looked back.<br />
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It was originally only supposed to be a Saturday i was working, which suited me fine. It would be breaking me in gently. But with December being their businest month, i soon found myself working everyday from 9 - 6. It was tiring and really hard to juggle work and Nathan, but i enjoyed it. Ive never once felt anxious in the shop. I feel like my old self before all the anxiety crap started. I chat away to customers and i have surprised myself with how out going i must seem (if only they knew eh). No one there knows about my past struggles or my 'agoraphobia' and i dont see why they need to. It doesnt affect me at all in there and so im just one of the girls. The christmas 'work night out' could have awkward as it was miles away and i couldnt possible attend, but i couldnt get a baby sitter anyway so i didnt really have to explain that one. <br />
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Joining the salon has made it possible for me to meet other girls to socialise with, which was another reason i was keen on the position. There are about 7 regular staff members and its been great being girly again and catching up on the latest gossip. One Sunday night we all decided to head to the pub for some karaoke. After a few dodgy numbers from myself i spotted a guy i knew across the bar. This guy had always caught my eye, and for some reason i had always imagined he would be ideal for me.<br />
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He came over to join me and we got chatting, for some reason a voice in my head was niggling that i should ask for his number. I felt that if i didnt just take the oppurtinity to do it, id regret it. So i came out with it (how very brazen!!) and he looked delighted. So obviously this was the man i had mentioned in my last post. I could go into detail here but to be honest its pretty pointless. he was lovely, and everything i thought he would be. An absolute gentleman, polar opposite of what i was used to. Wine, Flowers, chocolates, compliment after compliment. He was everything i have always wanted in a guy and i couldnt believe i had found it. He accepted me 100% as i am, or at least he said he did, but in the end i just didnt want it. Ive gotten quite used to being on my own with Nathan and im enjoying it. For far too long i was living my life, firstly for Nathan, and second for my ex. And its been nice to just have some 'me' time again. So im keeping it that way for a while or at least till i meet someone who really sweeps me off my feet and so far thats just not happened.<br />
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So December was proving to be a really tough month with work, and Nathan and christmas approaching. I was sensing Nathan was changing towards me but i knew it was just because i was suddenly away all the time. he didnt understand what was going on and he was becoming quite clingy and very moody! So it was either my absence or the start of the terrible twos uh oh. Guilt crept in as it always does, that not only was he not getting enough stimulation everyday, but now he wasnt getting to see me enough and it was at this point that my friend made a lovely suggestion. <br />
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She reminded me of a nursery right next to my work where Nathan would be able to join when he turned 2. yeh it would be private and i would have to pay for it, but the fees werent too ridiculous and it was absolutely worth it to get Nathan socialising with other children and of course to get his education started. I went for a meeting hoping we would be put on a waiting list and would hear back asap but even better i was told he could start the following week. Nathan now attends nursery every Monday and Wednesday afternoon and he absolutely loves it. He is mixing with his own little friends, getting involved in all sorts of activities like arts & crafts etc and it came at the perfect time for christmas. he had his christmas party and he got to meet Santa and his reindeer. I have loved seeing his confidence grow, never a shy boy, but im proud as punch watching him interact with his class mates. The moods swings havent been so bad and he actually claps his hands when he seens us approach the nursery building so im pretty confident i made the right decision with this one. <br />
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The psychic, again ill keep this brief. I have seen psychics before and have always seen it as a bit of fun, not something to take too seriously, but its been a long time since i had a reading and i fancied getting another one done. It was also an excuse to have all the girls round to mine for drinks and food and just have a laugh. So i booked a guy who came recommended and we all got together to hear our predicitons.<br />
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As with most of my readings theres a lot wrong, and also a lot right. He began with 'well Lynn i see your a bit of a party animal', clearly he could not be more wrong. I was getting ready to be thoroughly disappointed but he soon went into discussing my last relationship and the fact i went through a difficult time. He knew all about court and went on to describe what had happened to me and the mental, physical abuse that occured. Then there was a slight contradiction where he said 'the relationship is rekindling and in January the same thing will happen again (i.e i will be physically hit), but then said in April i will be buzzing because i will have stuck to my guns and won the battle with my ex. I wont have taken him back and i will be a much stronger person because of it. The January part really scared me and for a few days i was understanably nervous but im over it now. I know it wont happen because im not daft enough to put myself in a position where it COULD happen. Watch this space.<br />
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So Christmas was very welcome as it meant that the madness of work was over. Finally i was off and had absolutely nothing to do for a few days. Bliss!! Also throughout december the jewellery business really took off so juggling all these things together was an absolute nightmare so when christmas arrived i was more than ready to put my feet up and eat myself into oblivian! I enjoyed a nice meal with my mum and then went home with Nathan to play with all the goodies Santa had generously left that morning. As New Year approached i decided i wanted to go out. Having spent many many new Years at home, anxious, panicking, i felt i wanted to make the most of getting out and enjoying myself. I managed to get tickets for a pub near by and expected to meet lots of girls i knew once i was there. The place was jumping but i didnt know as many people as i thought. However, i was glad i went and brought in 2013 with a smile, a drink and some bagpipes. Scottish style!!<br />
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So did you guys make any New Year resolutions?? Ive never bothered before but this year i made the half hearted decision that i would finally quit cigarettes. Ive been a smoker for 15 years now and i LOVE my ciggys. My whole day was based around 'fag breaks', quite sad really. But i used to really look forward to when Nathan went to bed and i would get my feet up and happily puff away till my heart was content. For years though it has been taking its toll, and more recently i was getting worried about my breathing. I couldnt walk far at all without being breathless, way more breathless than a girl of my age should be! I would wake up maybe 2 or 3 times a night purely to smoke infact i could list many many bad points to my habit but why go on. At the end of the day we all know that smoking is bad for us and we should stop! So the 1st of January came and with a packet of fags in my pocket i decided i would just carry on. I LOVED smoking. I really didnt want to stop, and so i felt that while i loved it so strongly, there was no point in trying to quit because i would just fail at the first hurdle.<br />
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I dont really know what happened. Maybe it was the state of my breathing and the fact i had to pysically stop walking to fill my lungs but on the 2nd of January i smoked my last cigarette. I kept my packet and told myself that if i really wanted one, id have one, but to just give it a go. Really see how long you can go without one. That first day was hard, cigarettes and smoke and nicotine was all i thought about. Day 2 was the same. But my stubborn streak took over and i knew then and there that i would never be a smoker again. if i had already made it 48 hours without a cigarette then surely i had made it through the most difficult part. Surely thats when my cravings would be the strongest? I did have a little help though, i had heard about the electronic cigarettes and how they can help you to quit, so when i was REALLY desperate for a smoke on day 2, i went and bought one and it totally worked! As i sucked on that thing with all my might i felt myself relax and the craving subside. I used it again when i was having a tough time but as the days passed i started to use it less and less. That was a week ago. I am now a non smoker. I am SO proud of myself. I have to say for me it has been easy. Much easier than i ever imagined it would be. Which is what put me off trying to stop in the first place. Yes there were tough times, but they are totally managable with distraction and will power. To be sitting here now, not stinking of smoke, with ashtray breath, smelly clothes and genuinley not wanting a cigarette, its been more than worth it. Im finding it much easier to breathe already. Im noticing changes when im out walking. I look healthier! Im no longer an attractive shade of grey when i get up in the morning, and i just know im going to notice more and more benefits. Its only been a week so i dont want to get to ahead of myself but i know myself, and i know i have cracked it. I have no desire to smoke again but am loving the fact that every day my body gets a little cleaner. Nathan will never look at his mum with a cigarette hanging out her mouth or have her smokey breath all over him. Why would i want to change that?<br />
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It surprised me how strong i was, how stubborn. It has reminded me what is possible when we REALLY put our minds to something. A few months ago i wrote a post describing the feeling of dread as the winter months approached. I was anxious about the weather, but seasonal depression. I was forward thinking and expecting a really dull and gloomy time but here we are in January, the worst of our winter passing, and i feel great. I have been active and sociable, resposible, happy, confident. I feel this post was over due as i like you guys to know whats been happening but i also feel it really isnt anxiety or agoraphobia based, which is what you come here to read is it not? I hope that you have stepped into 2013 with confidence in mind. I am looking forward to the summer which i LOVE and im looking forward to new challenges. Hopefully we can share them together x<br />
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Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-82511600991502733792012-12-04T00:12:00.001+00:002012-12-04T13:06:12.501+00:00Separation Anxiety, Cherish, Reiki, Halloween & Christening PHEWLots to tell. LOTS to tell....Where to begin.<br />
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OK separation anxiety. Ive always had a few issues with this. Firstly, i was very attached to my mum for many years and didn't want her leaving me for any length of time. But i FORCED myself to work through that with an hour here and there. Determined not to rely on other people to keep me calm and also because i didn't want to be a huge burden on her. Then she went to America for a 5 week holiday and I was absolutely fine. So i cracked it. Since then I have obviously left the family home and although i wouldn't like her travelling to the other side of the world, the anxiety has gone. <br />
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And now theres Nathan. When I know he is going out for the day with someone, I look forward to the break, but i also feel a sense of dread, because i KNOW that when he leaves I'm going to feel uncomfortable. As usual it is a control thing. If he goes out and i panic and want him home, how quickly can the person he is with return him? What if that person doesn't have a car but is having to take a bus or 2? That will take ages and by then ill be ready for the nut house. Even worse is when he goes out with his gran who has no phone. So not only can i not get him back, but i have absolutely no idea where he is. <br />
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The rational side of my head tells me to chill out. Nathan needs his days out, i need the break. Most times when he leaves I'm a little uptight, but it soon passes and i actually start to relax and enjoy my time off. For a while I actually looked forward to his days out, knowing he was being entertained and i could do... well nothing! Ah bliss.<br />
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But as the winter crept in, and my mood darkened along with the early nights, that familiar anxiety crept back. <br />
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A few months ago my mum decided she would take Nathan out for the day and as soon as she mentioned it, i was uneasy. I told myself i would not give into this. Is not fair on Nathan and i NEEDED some 'me' time. So the morning of the 'day out' arrived and i got up bright and early and got everything organised. Breakfast, check. Bath, check, Bag prepared, check. Nathan looking handsome. check check check. Mum arrived and took Nathan away and i immediately felt the anxiety grow. 'Ok Lynn, chill out! This is going to pass, Nathan will have a great day and you will enjoy yours too'. Rapid heart beat, urgent need for the bathroom (you know what I'm talking about), sitting in the cool bathroom the anxiety wasn't subsiding like it usually would. 'Ok Lynn stay strong, this will pass'. Rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, turning stomach, dizziness. 'Can i cope with this for another 5 hours'? No.... NO NO NO NO<br />
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The anxiety turned to full blown panic and i gave in. No way could i ride that roller coaster for another 5 hours. usually i look for distraction and so i thought of people i might be able to visit, or who could come to me and keep me sane, but on this particular day i knew no body was available. And so i done the one thing i promised myself i would never do. I called my mum,<br />
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'Have you got on the bus yet'? As soon as she said No i was throwing on any clothes i could find and i was out the door and in the car shaking like a mad woman. Within minutes i had reached the bus stop and highly ashamed I got Nathan into the car in front of a crowd of people, no doubt wondering what was going on. My mum was understanding but her friend looked less than impressed. I could tell she thought i was being completely selfish, but at that point i couldn't care less. I just wanted Nathan with me and the panic to stop. And it did.<br />
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Back home i got back into a state of calm and tried to provide Nathan with a fun filled entertaining day. He was none the wiser to what had actually gone on but inside i was wracked with guilt. I still don't think i would have coped that day had i let him go. it would have been very unpleasant, but i only caused myself major anxiety in the future.<br />
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I had never given in like that before and now i wondered how i was going to manage the next time someone wanted a day out with Nathan. For Nathan and for myself, we need those days apart. There was no way i could just bring and end to them. That's so unfair on him. but as people started to mention taking him a trip here or there i was pretty terrified. I didn't want him to go, but i knew avoiding it was going to cause bigger problems.<br />
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It became such an issue that i decided to contact my coach Rashelle, who Ive mentioned before. Luckily she had a free space available and decided to try some <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reiki">reiki</a> on me. Rashelle visited my house and we discussed the situation. After a lengthy chat we got down to work. With any therapy Ive always been asked to give my anxiety a number from 1-10, before and after the treatment. And yes, after the reiki my anxiety had significantly dropped. I felt totally relaxed, calm and enjoyed it thoroughly. However, pretty much as soon as Rashelle left, i knew i still didn't feel good about it.<br />
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So Nathans gran, without the mobile phone, decided she wanted to take him for a day out. She would be over on the Tuesday morning and they would be gone all day. Time for a pep talk!<br />
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'Ok Lynn, you are going to face up to this and you are NOT going to avoid it. Avoidance is THE worse way to handle this! You will let it all go ahead and you will be fine. Should you panic, then too bad!! Go into your bedroom and roll around the bed, climb the walls or howl at the moon i don't care, your doing it'!!<br />
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Full of determination, i got up on the Tuesday morning and very quickly changed my mind. Nah i wasn't really liking the idea of what was to come. I needed a plan. I needed a way to get out of this happening. And so i decided that when Anne arrived Id be very apologetic and explain that my dad has Nathans pram in his car and unfortunately had decided to go out somewhere without letting me know. Oh dear id be so so very sorry. id offer tea and cake and id suggest she spend some time with Nathan locally. That would work!<br />
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Anne arrived and i explained our predicament. I was so sorry, but since it was a horrible rainy day, and since Nathan would refuse to walk everywhere for 4-5 hours, it would be crazy to take him out. 'Not a problem Lynn, not ideal but I'm sure we will manage'. Uh oh, i didn't see this coming! Since Anne had travelled a reasonable distance and my excuse hadn't worked, i felt i couldn't argue. So i was going to have to power through. When i asked where they were going she simply replied, 'ah not sure'. OK so shes got no mobile phone, she doesn't know where shes going. She will take at least 2 buses to wherever she decides to go, but in that whole time i will have NO way of contacting her. <br />
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Anne and Nathan left hand in hand and although i was happy for him i was terrified for me. There was nothing else for it but full on distraction. In the following 5 hours i was like a fiend. I cleaned my house, and i mean CLEANED. Every nook and cranny got scrubbed and bleached. Still with too much time to spare i painted. I painted FOUR rooms!! Still i had time to spare so i cleaned cupboards, threw out rubbish, put things up the loft. I hung shelves!! and when i still had an hour left i got in my car and paid my cousin a visit. When i look back i can laugh. I was absolutely exhausted by the time Nathan came home and definitely didn't have a day off. But it was a productive day, i didn't panic, and i felt i had fought a few demons. Since then hes been on a few more days out and i haven't felt half as bad as i did on the day i panicked.<br />
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Why was that day so different to the others? I'm again wondering if hormones can play a part in feeling higher anxiety levels.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihpm-i1hgZPFcpeKmejtuG4pjfrIEfyVeJueqgEO03yaSNUh1rYPEMB1fZqaObhglGe6e3HEiTnVNAg_EYXkVj_lvRUcMFL9Kgo3ZPZ16oxmTQTZe1G1vaF5PirJRIcV4gmWD4VfcgVWc/s1600/IMG_2987.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihpm-i1hgZPFcpeKmejtuG4pjfrIEfyVeJueqgEO03yaSNUh1rYPEMB1fZqaObhglGe6e3HEiTnVNAg_EYXkVj_lvRUcMFL9Kgo3ZPZ16oxmTQTZe1G1vaF5PirJRIcV4gmWD4VfcgVWc/s320/IMG_2987.JPG" width="240" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp8hvO7J-TljIwGhauV4vI0T5gYyeP0PmKYIFajXpzHt4KEu-X5INZgUzVMns2sjUgW141V8I1FGKFuUMj5WxQWX8WPx1PNYstJvipqTJMeLXFzikGaE2kd-U-cpMd0dNmvXut9yMsbpI/s1600/IMG_2986.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp8hvO7J-TljIwGhauV4vI0T5gYyeP0PmKYIFajXpzHt4KEu-X5INZgUzVMns2sjUgW141V8I1FGKFuUMj5WxQWX8WPx1PNYstJvipqTJMeLXFzikGaE2kd-U-cpMd0dNmvXut9yMsbpI/s320/IMG_2986.JPG" width="320" /></a>Neve is still a regular visitor and i was delighted that she was able to join us for Halloween. Theres nothing huge to report about this but thought i would include some of the photos we took. Nathan was a werewolf, and really didn't like his costume as you can see. Neve was a witch and i was some kind of scary doll puppet thing?? We had a great time ducking for apples and carving pumpkins before i took the kids trick or treating. Neves bag was over flowing when i dropped her home and she said it was the best night of her life. I was absolutely delighted.<br />
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Then it was Nathans Christening. <br />
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The day itself went really well. The service was lovely. Nathan was well behaved and everyone enjoyed themselves. I was a little nervous when i seen how many people had packed out the church. there were 4 kids all being christened (or baptised) that day and so i soon realised id have to get up on stage in front of all these people, in this massive church, well away from any escape route. So most of the service i just sat there willing it to hurry up. My legs were quite shakey and i wasnt sure if they would carry me up to the alter (especially in my massive heels). Before i knew it, it was time to face the music and thankfully i was ok. Nathan was a huge distraction as he was full of beans and running around crazy. I played chase and done my best to keep him calm untill it was his turn to be baptised. He was the ONLY child who wouldnt be held by the minister but insisted on staying with me. This was fine as the extra weight kept me firmly rooted to the ground. It was always meant to be a small affair and so instead of a big party Afterwards everyone just headed back to my house. I was stressed at this point. People were hungry and looking to be fed and watered and so i was busy running around, literally with a note pad, playing waitress.<br />
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Everyday without fail, i take my medication at 1.30. Always have! yeh i know i am probably being over cautious but its just the way I am. My phone has an alarm to remind me of the time so i will never possibly forget. So, I'm running around like crazy making food when i realised it was time to take my tablet. Got the packet of pills out, noticed there was only one pill in the packet, took it, and got on with my cooking. My alarm went a few minutes later 'ok i can put that off since i have taken my tablet'. Everyone fed, lots of happy customers, i mean family. 'Thanks for coming and goodbye'<br />
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Phew, feet up and relax. Clearing away the mess i noticed the packet of pills winking at me on the table, And yes, there was ONE tablet still in it. OK, i either miscounted the first time OR i haven't taken it at all. <br />
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Now usually that thought would send me into total panic. Having never missed one id be worried about what to expect. The rational Lynn would say 'nothing is going to happen. You've missed one pill! No big drama here. You've been on them for that long that you'll still have plenty in your system. You'd need to miss them for days before you'd feel a thing'. The worrier in me was a bit more concerned with what to do now. My medication specifically says on the leaflet that should you miss one, then just leave it. Don't take anything and just continue at the correct time on the day you remember. So i was surprisingly very calm and very rational. I decided i would just carry on with my day and id take them at 1.30 on the Monday. <br />
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About an hour later i felt really weird. Dizzy. Disconnected, Anxious. Well that's all i needed to feel to be honest. It was all i needed to send my brain into overdrive! And so i panicked. and i panicked. and i panicked. For the first time in about 4 years i needed to call my mum for help. I needed her to come and get Nathan while i got myself back into a state of calm. Luckily although the panic was awful, i was completely handling it. I knew it was rising and falling. I knew i was going to be OK, and i just had to ride it out. Now i know people might say it was all in my head, or that i brought it on myself with over thinking, but i stick to the fact that i DID NOT FEEL RIGHT. Even the anxiety was different. very bizarre. I ended up calling an emergency number for advice. Eventually i got to speak to a doctor who told me that missing one pill couldn't have caused those symptoms. He told me i could take a tablet now, or even just half a one, then take my normal dose tomorrow. I took a half straight away, and whether it was psychological or not, it worked. I felt myself relax and the rest of the night was normal. BUT the reason i mention it is the following day i began my period and I'm definitely noticing my anxiety changing at this time of the month. I always have done, but its MORE noticeable than ever. I'm keeping a close eye on it now anyway and if it happens again then ill definitely be mentioning it to my doctor.... i still don't know if i missed a tablet or not lol .<br />
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The <a href="http://www.facebook.com/cherishjewelleryuk?ref=hl">jewellery business</a> if going quite well. Word is spreading and Ive had enough sales to keep me going and keep me pursuing it. Especially with Christmas coming i could use the extra pocket money. Id be grateful to anyone who could 'like' us on facebook or just spread the word. It was very difficult at first to find a balance between seeing to Nathan and starting the business online but now that<a href="http://www.cherish-jewellery.com/"> Cherish</a> is up and running its not been so hard. <br />
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Sometimes i write a blog and get a sense of achievement, that Ive written a good piece... well I'm not getting that tonight. It seems a bit messy and rushed, but i was aware of the weeks and weeks since my last post so i really just wanted to get something published asap. I have been super busy with the things Ive mentioned, plus weve both had flu and a horrible winter vomitting bug and now of course the lead up to Nathans birthday and Christmas, but its slowly coming together. I hope you guys are all good and well. I will try and not leave such a long gap between posts next time and ill be back before Christmas to tell you about a job, a psychic and a new man! Byeee x Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-82833247069839790902012-10-15T10:50:00.003+01:002012-10-15T10:50:50.253+01:00Shameless AdvertisingHi guys i wonder if you can help. Im trying to start a little project. Maybe even a business although its very fresh so not sure how it will go.<br />
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If you have facebook could you please like or share <a href="http://www.facebook.com/messages/633203086#!/pages/Cherish-Jewellery/236961666430196">this page</a>?<br />
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It would be a great help thank you muchly :) <br />
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<a href="http://www.facebook.com/messages/633203086#!/pages/Cherish-Jewellery/236961666430196">http://www.facebook.com/messages/633203086#!/pages/Cherish-Jewellery/236961666430196</a>Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-31961117478101831652012-10-11T23:24:00.002+01:002012-10-11T23:33:40.194+01:00Letter To Myself<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">(My foot and Nathans foot)</span></div>
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Welcome back panic attacks. Oh how i have missed you so... not. </div>
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Its been years since ive really had one. Ive had a few anxious days here and there. And maybe even the start of a panic attack, but ive had enough control to quickly bring it to an end. And so its always just WONDERFUL when they pop up, you know that way they do, just to remind you that they can.</div>
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Its only been in the past week. I could feel the anxiety looming. Felt that familiar churning in the pit of my stomach. Had a few unwelcome thoughts. Not been feeling as comfortable in certain situations. And so when it came to a head, and i had a panic attack... well i panicked. My mind was in overdrive. Why is this happening? What if this is going to be the one i cant control? Are these back for good? Am i going to go backwards now? How can i look after Nathan properly if im dealing with these everyday. Is this going to rub off on him and one day he will suffer them too? What if i blackout for the first time ever, when im with Nathan? What if i cant breathe? I dont have any paper bags and they are meant to help. </div>
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Negative thought after negative thought.</div>
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Picturing the worst outcome in every scenario totally adding fuel to the fire. All this equals one stressed out anxious me. And although i have gained some rationality again, and am feeling back to normal, i decided to have a word with myself.<br />
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<em>Dear Lynn.... Dear Dear Lynn, </em></div>
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<em>When are you gonna learn? Jeez woman will you chill out? How many times have we been here huh? How many years have you been having these silly little 'turns' and freaking yourself out? Has experience taught you nothing? <strong>ITS GOING TO PASS. IT ALWAYS DOES</strong>. </em></div>
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<em>Ok, i remember when you just started having the panic attacks, you had them over and over again all day. But Lynn it was new and scary back then. You didnt know what was going on. But now you do! You know how to deal with it and you deal with it well. </em></div>
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<em>Remember in the past when you panicked, or even felt slightly anxious? You would hide away in your room. Not really talking to anyone. Avoiding everything, avoiding life! Just trying to keep it together. But really you were probably just sitting there <strong>OVER</strong> thinking and making it worse. </em></div>
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<em>How about instead of doing that, you get up off your ass, you take a deep breath, hold your head up high and say 'Im not taking this shit again'. Because you dont <strong>NEED</strong> to. Stop sitting there thinking mental thoughts and freaking yourself out. Stop analysing every senstion in your body and dramatising it, convincing yourself things are about to get really bad. Get up, stand tall and tell the panic 'Not today thanks, im actually kind of busy'.</em></div>
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<em>Go wash the dishes, stick some good music on and sing at the top of your voice. Dance, play with Nathan. I bet, as your doing it, the anxiety will subside and if it doesnt? Who cares,?? Your getting on with your day and not allowing it to take over.</em></div>
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<em>Every Autumn you do this to yourself Lynn. You dont like the change in season, i know this. You dont like the dark nights creeping in, the coldness. the bad weather. Your already imagining a horrible winter arent you? You cant take Nathan out in that weather so its gonna be tough. Your gonna be depressed. Everyday will be like groundhog day. Youll get lower and more anxious. And then theres the fog and the snow that you have no control over. You hate that. Your car starts acting up and you arent able to get out as much. You have no control over any of this and so you get anxious. And as that anxiety creeps in you make it worse. You allow yourself to feed these thoughts. Well how about you dont? How about you stop looking to the future and <strong>GUESSING</strong> how your gonna be before its even happened? How about you take it day by day... hour by hour even. Start living in the <strong>NOW</strong>. Not next week or next month. Who told you that you had psychic abilities... cause you dont!</em></div>
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<em>Can i also point out that its that time of the month. You know the time im talking about. You know you always feel slightly more on edge at this point. Your also worrying way too much about money. Christmas, and court. Dont you think all of this combined could be the cause? </em></div>
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<em>Instead of scaring yourself and falling into this negative process, let me remind you that you do this every year at this time. Let me tell you that your not entering madness and your not about to revert back to the old Lynn who panicked constantly. You think this every year. I get exasperated with you. Its just the change in season and in a few weeks, even a few days, youll be right as rain. As a veteran in dealing with this stuff let me also tell you... youve already experienced the worst of it. Youve never collapsed and blacked out. Youve never stopped breathing. Youve never needed to call an abulance or rushed yourself to the hospital. Youve never lost the use of your legs. So what makes you think thats gonna happen this time? Surely that stuff would have happened before when you had no knowledge of panic. You didnt understand it was only adrenalyn. You didnt know how to sit down and breath deeply. You didnt know that distraction helps. But now you <strong>DO</strong> know all those things.</em></div>
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<em>So ok say you have a panic attack, and im not gonna lie, they are pretty horrendous, but say you do. really whats gonna happen? Well let me tell you. Your gonna have a rapid heart beat, your gonna sweat, get wet palms. your going to feel as if your disconnected from reality. Your probably going to quickly question what to do. Do you call for help, do you try to get some air. youll get yourself worked up and make it even worse for a second. Your mind will be running at 100mph, Your inner voice will scream 'This is horrible. Oh my god make this stop i hate it!!!' and then what will happen? Well it will probably stop. It will slowly get less and less. You may sit there feeling weak, physically you might be shaking uncontrollably, but your ok. Your absolutely fine. And yeh maybe for a couple of minutes after it youll feel it rise again...and then fall. And rise and fall. But eventually it wont come back at all. </em></div>
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<em>Its not nice and i know that so im not being cruel, im just being realistic. If you feel it coming on just keep busy. If you genuinley cant avoid it then heres what to do. Go get a glass of water, some wet wipes. Take a seat and face the bastard. Tell yourself 'Bring it on', 'If your gonna come then just come, cause im ready for you and believe me i can handle you'. Take nice deep breaths in through your nose.... hold it, then blow slowly out of your mouth. If you get too hot, fan yourself. If your sweating too much, give yourself a wipe. And when it passes, which it will, give yourself a few minutes and then get up and get on with your day. Youve won. In the past youd have obssessed about it and wondered how to avoid the next one, dont even waste your time, just get on with things.</em></div>
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<em>And while im here can i just discuss Nathan. You are killing yourself with guilt here. Stop it. Everyday you beat yourself up about what hes <strong>NOT</strong> getting to do everyday. You think your boring him and hes lacking stimulation because you cant take him many places. You watch the clock and give yourself such a hard time if it reaches noon and you havent had him outside yet. Jeez Lynn seriously, lighten up! Instead of looking at what your <strong>not</strong> doing with him, look at what you <strong>ARE</strong> doing. You love that boy and shower him with so much affection. You play with him, you read to him, you draw, you educate him. You sing together, dance together. Go walks, drives, go shopping, go see friends. Just because hes not surrounded by kids out playing all day doesnt mean he has a bad life. Hes got a great life! Many other poor kids arent so fortunate. Do you see how happy he is? How confident? Could that maybe, just maybe, be something to do with you and the fact hes in a secure and loving home? Stop blaming yourself for the days when your too tired to fully give yourself to him. When you sometimes lose patience and need some 'time out'. Being a parent is exhausting. Being a single parent is even harder. Your boy is doing great, and hes happy. So relax!!</em></div>
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<em>Lastly, and i dont mean to be soppy, but can i just say i love you. They say 'god loves are trier' and if this is true, he must love you very much. Because i see that you do try Lynn, and you do well! You constantly worry about what others think, but its not important. Let me tell you that i like you. I really do. I think your a great girl, youve very kind. Very generous and you have a good heart. Try to remember that now and then. And if you ever feel a little lost, then just read this letter. Hopefully it will put you back on the right path but in the mean time Lynn, just chill out. Breathe and be happy.</em></div>
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<em>Lots of Love</em></div>
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<em>You </em></div>
<br />Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-78800942921870104682012-10-09T23:25:00.000+01:002012-10-10T21:27:59.479+01:00Good Advice from someone whos been there <span style="font-size: large;">I received a comment on my last blog, telling me about this guy Gethards post on his 'Tumblr' page. I enjoyed reading it and thought i would pass it on. I can completely relate to how Gethard feels towards a complete stranger, and also why his message is to never give up.</span> <br />
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Anonymous asks: Gethard I know you’ve talked bout depression and anxiety issues before and if you don’t answer this cause it’s a complete downer i understand but I’m curious if you ever had suicidal thoughts. I admire you and your show and have just been in a really bad place lately. I used to see your show as the last thing I had to look forward to but I haven’t even been back for months and can’t even bring myself out the door to get there without panicking. I’d appreciate any advice really.</h2>
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<em>I just got this message and am going to answer it. Anonymous, this one is just for you, but since this came into our inbox anonymously I have to post it publicly. My apologies. I feel very unsure of if this is right to post this, but I want to help if I can. Anyone else can feel free to skip reading this one. - Geth</em><br />
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The first thing I need to say is don’t do it.<br />
I repeat, whatever you are thinking about doing right now, I want to seriously implore you to not do it. I know you’re in a place where you’re scared and you’re confused and things seem like they aren’t going to get better, but I personally can promise you that things can and probably will change for the better. And the reason I can promise you this is that they got better for me.<br />
You are feeling alone and I know first hand that in this mind state you feel like no one even wants to help or knows how. I know that feeling of reaching out to people and feeling them either ignore these feelings or demonstrate a complete inability to connect with any way that matters to you. I know how scary it is to need to connect with someone and to be unable to, I know how that makes you feel even crazier when you try to connect with someone and it doesn’t stick.<br />
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But I want you to know I saw your message about thirty seconds ago and I’m already writing this. I stopped everything else because even though you are anonymous to me, I want you to know that I care about you and your well being. I have a ton of shit to do. I was up way too late last night writing, and today I have all sorts of writing and show organizing to do. I need to go stand on line at the fucking post office to mail some shirts, on top of organizing this week’s episode which I’m stressed about, and the next two weeks episodes which I’m even more stressed about, and on top of all of that there’s IFC stuff to both write and organize, there’s worrying about a check I’ve been waiting forever for and that I need to pay my rent and maybe having to make some calls to deal with that. I need to buy new car insurance and switch my address on all my banking forms. And then on top of THAT, outside of being busy, there’s a conversation with myself about if I’m opening the door to all sorts of issues by even answering this on a public blog, if it is my place to answer this at all.<br />
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But I am dropping all of those concerns right now. They can go on the back burner. And the reason that can all go on the back burner is that I want you to know that I care about you. I care about you very deeply, me personally, I care about you. And I don’t even know who you are. You sent your message in anonymously and I can’t presume to know who sent it. But you are a person and you’re in a lot of pain and you need help, and as another human who has been in at least similar pain, I want you to know - I care so much about you. If it turns out that you’re already one of my best friends in the world, I care about you. If you’re someone I’ve literally never interacted with in any way before this, I care about you. You are a person and you’re in pain and that makes me care. That makes a lot of people care. I would stop on the street if I saw someone crying. I’d ask if they’re ok. Tons of people would. And even though it doesn’t seem like it right now, there are tons of people like that in your life and who you might randomly come across who would genuinely care and and want to stop and help and make sure you get through this, and make sure you get the help you need. I promise you. There’s so, so, so many people you might come across - from your own sister to total strangers - who would be willing to do their part and listen to you just because it’s the right and kind thing to do. Because you deserve that kindness.<br />
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So yeah, on my end - you reached out. I shut off my phone and I closed all my other browser windows and I’m writing this, because you are a person that deserves this time and attention.<br />
So please, the only thing I ask in return for me giving you this time is that you don’t do it. That you take a breath and maybe at some point today take a walk and breathe some fresh air and try to clear your head and that you not do it, not today. I’ll give you my time and attention and thoughts and energy, and the only thing I’m asking in return is that you recognize that this is someone caring and that you do your best to let that get through. Ok? Deal? Honestly, if I had your email address I’d write to you there, but you came in anonymous and this is my only option, but I’m not talking to anyone else right now, I’m talking to you. It’s me and you and I consider this a personal one on one interaction and I want to make that deal with you - you reached out for help and I want to give you my time and do my best to offer up that help - and in return, I just want you to do your best to relax a little bit and not take any action that I promise you will regret and will make so many people so, so heartbroken.<br />
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People love you. I know they do. And you know that too. This may be a weird thing to post in a public blog, but I don’t even know who you are and I promise you that I love you. Despite all my flaws and weirdness and professional drive that can shut people out and my inability to ever stop working and my inability to feel comfortable outside of the bubble of my little comedy world, I’m a big softie at my core and I’m a person who’s been through a lot on my own and I came out on the other side and I just have so much love for the world and for people, and I promise you that I don’t even know you but that the love I have for people in general extends to you personally. We all have problems, and you can see even in this paragraph that I beat myself up too, but lean on the love you have for the world and know that there are other people who love it so much that it can also make them as sad as it’s making you right now. There are other people out there like you - I’m one of them. We feel so much love when we feel it, but the trade off is we feel pain just as big. And love can often sting if it’s not requited, while pain only needs you as a receptor. I get it. I know what it feels like to feel emotions in a way that you know is much bigger than most people feel them. But this pain will pass, and it will be replaced by an equal and to be honest probably even bigger feeling of joy and love. At some point those feelings will come along and wash over you as much as the pain you’re feeling right now, and I just want to beg you to push through this painful stretch, because to someday feel love and joy as big as the pain you’re feeling in this moment will be SO, SO worth it. <br />
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To answer your question directly - yes, I have had suicidal thoughts in my life. <strong>You are not alone.</strong><br />
I first remember having them around eighth grade. And then, during my freshman year of high school, I was being bullied pretty bad in my lunch room by a group of kids a year ahead of me. They were throwing food at my friends and I, and no one was stopping it. There was one kid, Scott Hansen, who was the worst one of all. Because you knew he was more like us then them and was just going along with it out of fear and pressure and to throw the food so as to not be the guy getting food thrown at him. So this shit was getting real bad and I talked to two different teachers and neither one of them did anything about it and as a real emotional kid who was already clearly heading into depression issues, I just plunged into an awful, awful place. And I brought a razor to school with me, and my plan was to wait until he threw food at me, then to talk to a teacher who I knew wouldn’t care, then to go to the bathroom and cut my wrists so they’d both feel horrible about themselves forever. That was a very melodramatic 14 year old kid instinct, and obviously I didn’t do it, but I think back and still get scared because I actually brought the razor with me. I took enough action to do that. Scary shit.<br />
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But you want to know the funny part? I was 14 and didn’t really get how anything worked in life and the razor I bought was a Bic single use disposable face razor. I’m glad I didn’t take the plunge, because it would have taken about half an hour to hack through my wrist with that thing. What a fucking dummy! Also, I’m amazed no one asked me why I had a Bic disposable razor on me, as I wouldn’t be able to grow any facial hair for another decade.<br />
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Things got REALLY bad for me in college and I went through a few stretches where I was very much having suicidal thoughts. I had been depressed all through high school and college, and look back and realize I had a few panic attacks in high school and had absolutely no idea what they were. But in college they got really frequent and really bad and I remember by my senior year they were out of control. I remember having a panic attack that came on so suddenly and so severely that I collapsed to the floor on the spot. I was alone in my bedroom and just fell to the ground, unable to breathe, my face going pins and needles, feeling heat spread over my entire body. I had constant stretches where I would be totally manic and where I felt like I was so out of control that I was listening to my own thoughts instead of thinking them myself. I tried to talk to a few people about it and no one really seemed to understand what I was going through, they thought that I was being melodramatic.<br />
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And I’ll tell you - there was one day where I just broke. I couldn’t handle that being how I lived anymore. I sat in my room in total darkness playing a keyboard for hours. Just so you know, I don’t know how to play a keyboard. I was just fucking jamming out in the dark by myself. Again, I think back to that and remember that I was really fucked up and out of control, but it does make me laugh so, so hard. Just 21 year old Gethard, feeling those blues, sitting in the dark in his room playing a Casio like a madman all night long. It is sort of hilarious to think about now.<br />
But the part that’s not hilarious is that leading up to that things had gotten really dark for me and suicide was seeming like a good idea. And right in the middle of that stretch - dude/lady, not sure which one you are, I’ll just use dude as like the royal catch all dude without attaching gender to it, ok? -<br />
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Dude, right in the middle of that stretch I was at work one day at Weird NJ and climbed out of the van we used to make deliveries, and right in the middle of the street was a big fucking vintage badass pocket knife. Like RIGHT on the ground JUST outside the driver’s side door. And of course in my head, I’m like “THAT IS THE KNIFE I’M SUPPOSED TO KILL MYSELF WITH.” Like fate had said “I can see far enough ahead to know that he’ll be parking right there, so I’ll just place this knife there for him.”<br />
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So I used to keep that in my pocket. And on that keyboard night, after a few hours of just slamming keys and really expressing my pain through untrained electronic musical expression, I took out the knife and dragged it across the underside of left forearm. I wasn’t pushing very hard, but when I got back towards my elbow I pushed hard enough to break the skin, and then dragged the knife down fair enough that there was about a three inch cut. It wasn’t deep - more of a scratch then a cut - but for the first time I’d actually taken action that lead to pain. I knew that I was physically capable of cutting my wrists.<br />
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Maybe 90 seconds after that cut, one of my roommates, Tarik, opened the door to my room and was like “Yo, the keyboard is driving us all fucking insane.” But then he stopped because he saw that I was sitting in total darkness and even though I couldn’t see him yet I could feel that he was concerned. And he turned on the light and he looked at me and the first thing he said was “How did you get that cut?” And I was real cracked out and I’m sure he could see that all over my face and I lied and said I got it at work and bumped it against something and re-opened it.<br />
<br />
And he did NOT believe me. He didn’t bring it up again, but he sat down in my room and we shot the shit and a little while into that conversation I realized he was looking out for me. And he didn’t bring up my feelings directly, but that’s because we were both 21 year old kids and he didn’t know how. But he stayed with me until I was laughing and it was clear I was feeling better and he helped get me through a night that he rightfully suspected was almost much worse than it was. <br />
<br />
I had another friend like that too, my sophomore year. I wrote a book earlier this year and one of the chapters is about how during my sophomore year shit really hit the fan for me and also I lived with a roommate who tormented me bad and how my other roommates found it funny. And in the book I do my best to make that essay funny, but I’m telling you that I never felt more alone and it was in my own house and it was in a stretch where I felt totally unsafe and not just like people didn’t have my back but like they were actively against me. And I was really on the brink of trouble at some points. But I had this roommate Jeff, one of my best friends to this day. And he had a good computer and he used to stay up late studying and he used to let me sit in his room on the internet while he read for classes, and dude - we didn’t even say much to each other. He just opened his door to me. My one nice roommate let me sit in his room late into the night because he knew the other option was me sitting downstairs in my own room feeling progressively more horrible. And I’m pretty certain that there were a lot of nights where he wasn’t even actually reading. And I’ll tell you something really personal - I’m not the best at opening up to people from that era of my life. I have a lot of scars from where I was at and how I was treated back then. But Jeff and I are still really close. And you should know, Jeff is the best, but he’s also a huge ball buster and hilarious. And a few years ago in a rare moment of vulnerability, I said something like “Jeff, just so you know, you used to let me sit in your room overnight and I honestly think there were a couple nights where you saved my life.” And he looked at me and said “I know,” and then we went back to making fun of each other and talking about The Knicks.<br />
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Here’s another one - and this one if my brother or parents happen to read this will be super painful and I’m sure infuriating. But I once totaled my brother’s car, this was after college. And I wrote in a journal I was keeping later that night “I have no idea if I did that on purpose or not.” I crashed the car I was driving into a pick up truck, and the truck forced me into a wall and I hit the wall and flew onto the front lawn of the house this all took place in front of. And I came down hard and the seat belt caught a few inches from the steering wheel. And the car bounced up into the air again and on its way back down I had enough time to think “If that steering wheel doesn’t catch again, my brains are going to get smashed out of my head.” And it caught again. The door of the car, no joke, was smashed in and splinted and big jagged pieces of metal were like right in front of my stomach. A few more inches in the wrong direction and they would have all just stabbed me through my side. Almost immediately, housewives from all the surrounding houses came out and stood on their steps and I heard one yell to the other “Is he dead?”<br />
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But worst of all, the dude who drove the pick up truck had walked up to my car and he was NOT happy and he was NOT a sane looking dude. He was a huge muscular black guy who was wearing a flannel shirt with the sleeves ripped off and ultra tight jean shorts. He looked nuts. And he was like “Get the fuck out of the car.” And I was like “I can’t, are you ok?” And he was like “Why can’t you get the fuck out of the car?” And I was in complete and total shock and just in a monotone I said “Because the door is completely caved in, but are you ok?” And he was like “Stop asking me if I’m ok. Get out here. I’m gonna fuck you up.” <br />
<br />
And then the guy who lived in the house whose front lawn we were on, he came running out like “Whoa whoa whoa! Chill out, he’s just a kid, look at his car, he’s in shock, he’s lucky to be alive, ease up on him, he’s just a kid” all stuff like that. And the dude jumped back in his truck and got out of there. The accident was ABSOLUTELY my fault so I can only assume that he didn’t have a license or something and needed to bounce.<br />
<br />
So eventually I climbed out of the car on the other side and still in total shock said to the guy from the house, “Thank you. I think you just saved me from getting my ass kicked.”<br />
And he looked back at me and said “It’s ok. There’s no way I was going to let a nigger beat up a white kid.” <br />
And somehow, things got even more fucked up and depressing! Can you imagine, owing your life to a RACIST? Like that was his main priority, that’s NUTS. What a fucking donkey kick to the head on top of all of the other shit from that day. Like, what do you say? “Thank you for being racist, your vicious racism just saved me?” Jeeeeez.<br />
<br />
And I was on a team at UCB at the time and realized I was going to miss a rehearsal, so amongst calling my parents and the tow truck and the police I also called my friend Curtis Gwinn who was on my team at the time. And Curtis lived with John Gemberling. I don’t know if you’re familiar with UCB performers, but John is the best. He always is fucking around and never takes anything seriously. He’s sarcastic and fucked up and funny and always, always on, especially back then.<br />
So John picks up the phone and I’m like “John, it’s Geth, I need to talk to Curtis.” And John realizes it’s me and starts making a baby voice and goes “I’m a BA-by.” And I’m like “John, not now, I really need to talk to Curtis.” And John goes “But don’t you care that I’m a real big BA-by?” And I flipped out and went “JOHN, NOT NOW, PUT CURTIS ON THE FUCKING PHONE” and I was so violent about it I just heard him step back from the phone and put Curtis on. It still makes me laugh to this day.<br />
<br />
But yeah, I got home that night and was so so so scared because I have no idea to this day how much I could have prevented that accident and how much I realized it was happening and just kind of went with it. My brother found me later that day curled up on the floor in the fetal position having a panic attack in the corner of a bedroom at my parents’ house. It was not fun! <br />
So to answer your question very bluntly and with no small amount of fear regarding sharing all these stories in public - YES, I have had suicidal thoughts. I have gone too far with them and at least in that way, I know how you are feeling.<br />
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I’m not speaking in generalities or hypotheticals when I tell you - I’ve been where you’ve been, and things will get better. And I won’t bullshit you - they’ll get better for a while, then worse again, then better again, etc. But in my experience at least, the longer time goes on, the longer the stretches of the better times get and the shorter the stretches of worse. You learn how to live with what you’re feeling now and you’ll learn how to make those feelings a source of strength in the long run.<br />
Because I can tell you right now - all these stories I just laid out for you are grim, right? Here’s the funny part. Years later, now that the pains that cause those incidents are so far removed from the current state of my life - here’s the things that I think about now when I remember those incidents -<br />
- I don’t think about the asshole who threw food at me or the dickhead teachers who dropped the ball and chose not to care because they didn’t want to deal with it. Those things don’t happen to anymore. Those memories don’t even sting anymore. <br />
What I think about now is how hilarious it is that I brought a single use Bic disposable razor to my school so I could try to melodramatically kill myself in a high school bathroom. A Bic. Disposable. Razor. I am laughing right now thinking about it.<br />
- I don’t think about how fucked up it was that I found that knife and what I used it for.<br />
I think about playing a Casio keyboard in the dark all night. I mean… what the fuck? That’s amazing. Can you imagine if I died and they found my body next to a CASIO KEYBOARD? And all my roommates were like… “Yeah, we don’t know… he was playing a keyboard all night. Didn’t see the suicide coming… Wish we knew that the tinny tones of a battery operated powered Casio keyboard were his cry for help, we would have stepped up. But fuck, it’s a Casio keyboard, who knew?”<br />
- I don’t think about how fucking close I came to getting killed in that car accident and how I still don’t know how much I gave up and let it happen.<br />
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I think about how funny it is that after nearly dying and then getting saved by racism, one of the funniest people I know got on the phone and told me he was “a real big baby”. If there has ever been more comical juxtaposition than where I was at and Gemberling doing a bit about how he’s a man-sized baby, I would love to know about it.<br />
I don’t think back on the pain. I don’t think back about how lonely I felt. I don’t think back and give any thought or validity to how much I felt in those times that circumstances would never change. All of that proved untrue.<br />
<br />
But like all aspects of life, I think back and remember… the POSITIVE parts. The funny parts. The ridiculous parts. I think back to separate incidents where I had actual suicidal thoughts and at times even dipped my toes into actions, and I laugh. The pain wasn’t permanent. The pain, it turns out, wasn’t even real. It was a passing cloud, and with the perspective of time I realize that they were feelings that reflected not the actual circumstances of my life, but the fact that I was struggling through some shit during those times that masked my ability to see the joy in life around me back then. But now? I can look back at the absolute darkest things and the only reaction I have to them is to laugh at the funny specifics that surrounded them. Even those bring joy.<br />
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There’s happiness and love and life all around you. Right now you can’t see it. Seriously - I promise you, from personal experience, you will see that love in things again. This isn’t some bullshit brochure about suicide prevention. This isn’t some health class rhetoric being spit out at you. This is a guy you actually reached out to, actually answering, and actually saying that yes he has been there, and actually saying that if I had gone through with what my impulses were telling me to do, I would have missed out on so many of the absolute BEST parts of my life. Big parts, small parts, tiny moments, and life changing grand adventures, I wouldn’t have seen so many of the things that blew me away with their beauty and what they say about life. I wouldn’t have met SO MANY PEOPLE who have good in their souls and who look to share it every day. I wouldn’t have taken them up on it, and the problems I had that were leading me to want to get the fuck out of here were not equal to those joys. Looking back I realize that the problems and dark times were small when compared to the absolute grand beauty and joys of so many experiences I’ve had since.<br />
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And I want to say this, too - I once read a Morrissey quote (big fucking surprise, right?) where a journalist had asked him about having so many sad fans. And how there were suicidal people listening to his sad songs and did he think he was helping people to the cowardly way out. And he said some version of “I actually take offense to calling suicide a cowardly way out. It’s actually quite brave.”<br />
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I get what he meant by that, and I bet right now you do too. You aren’t a coward if you can commit suicide. You are actually overcoming every screaming human instinct that wants you to stay alive. To actually take actions that go against every single impulse your body has as an animal, you have to be extraordinarily strong mentally to be able to think your way past the instincts that want you to stay alive. And you do, in a very twisted way, need to be incredibly brave to be able to take physical actions that you know will end your life. <br />
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Well if you’re strong enough to turn off those impulses, and you’re brave enough to take those actions, then you’re certainly also strong and brave enough to face this pain and stay alive instead. <br />
You are strong. You are brave. You are beautiful. You are loved. And you have so many experiences ahead of you. There will be more hard experiences ahead of you, but there will also be so many shockingly beautiful ones. <br />
<br />
The first time you do something is the hardest time. When I first went to therapy I felt completely defeated and shitty. When I first went on medication, I felt weak, like I should have been able to handle my bullshit myself, I was defeated. There were all sorts of weird side effects then - medications have gotten so much better. It felt like such a valley, such a moment of defeat, like I said.<br />
Well, within two years of going on medication, I found myself driving cross country for the first time. This was 2004. I’ve gone cross country five times since then, it’s just about my favorite thing, driving around this country.<br />
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And that first time, there was this stretch. I’m pretty sure it was in New Mexico. And my buddy Nick Mougis was doing the trip with me and he fell asleep, he was out. <br />
And this train rolled by. This big gigantic freight train. And I don’t know how to explain it except to say that the timing of how things worked out meant that for about an hour or two, me and this train were doing this weird dance. I didn’t see any other cars the whole time. I was just along this train in the middle of this vast desert on one side and all this prairie grass type stuff on the other. Then the train would dip in one direction and I’d lose sight of it, then 15 minutes later the highway would bend and the train would come back into view way out on the horizon, then the train would come back towards the highway and I’d see it from a new angle, then the highway would go up on a bridge and the train would duck under it and I’d think that would be it, but then the tracks would curve and the train was on the other side of me and I was seeing it from a whole new angle. That went on for like I said, between an hour or two. My buddy asleep, no other cars, just me and this insane landscape I’d never seen while growing up in the northeast, and this giant freight train that was just weaving around me on different sides of the highway.<br />
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I don’t think there’s anyway to make it sound impressive in writing eight years later. I’m not a good enough writer for that. So I’ll just say that I was very aware while this was happening that it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I’d never been more at peace than I was while driving in total isolation, this really good friend of mine sleeping soundly next to me, nature unfolding before me, I was just a small dot of a car somewhere in this vast giant part of America, with no one I knew worried about me, with no anxiety or fear or depression on my mind, there was just me and the sky and the desert and this train. I wanted to cry, not even because I was happy, but because I was so much at peace.<br />
<br />
Dude, it was less than two years before that when I crashed a car and immediately realized that I at least partially allowed it to happen in the hopes that I would die. Less than two years. That’s how long it took for me to go from one of the darkest incidents I’ve ever had to something so overwhelmingly beautiful that I know there is no way to describe it to anyone in a way that captures how it made me feel, and how that means that even more than it already was it will be an incident that existed in time only for me, and that because it is something I will <em>never</em> figure out how to capture in words or writing or feeling, it will <em>always</em> remain only mine, and that somehow makes it even more beautiful.<br />
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Those experiences are waiting for you. There are things you will see. There are people you will meet. There are experiences you will have. They will blow you out of the water. You will find incidents that make you want to pull your car over to the side of the highway so you can cry about how at peace you feel, but you can’t do it because then the train will pass you by and the euphoria of that experience will end before it has to. And I won’t lie - I’m not a motivational speaker, I’m just a very average person you asked for help and I’m not going to sugar coat anything - you’ll have more heartbreaks, you’ll have more crushing blows, and yes, you will have more incidents where you feel that all hope is gone. Just last weekend, I had a panic attack on stage at UCB, walked off the stage in the middle of a show, and wound up sitting on a bench in Weehawken, NJ, completely scared and crying and lonely and wondering if the cliffs of Weehawken were steep enough that you could die if you jumped off of them. But it never felt as serious as it used to, and it lasted one night with a few weeks of really tough recovery, instead of years and years like that process used to.<br />
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I really can’t implore you enough to go get professional help. There’s no shame in it. And if you’re reaching out to a comedian no one has even heard of anonymously over Tumblr, you are smart and brave enough to know you need help. But I’m telling you that I can’t provide that help more than I just did in this writing, and there are people who are trained to help you through this way more sufficiently, and some of them actually know what they’re doing. I’ve met a whole lot of bum shrinks in my day who I didn’t respect. But eventually after a few tries, I’ve found someone who I’ve worked with for five years. She’s wonderful, she doesn’t judge me, she’s been through her own stuff, and she’s heard it all. She is someone who has helped me personally, professionally, emotionally, and spiritually, all by being someone who I trust enough to let see all of my insane sides. <br />
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There are people who can help. Please, find someone you trust and allow them to help you. I can’t do it. When you say that my show was the last thing you could look forward to - I’m so, so glad the show provided you happiness, but the show at the end of the day is a comedy show and it might make you feel better for one hour a week, but it can not save you. Help can save you. Find doctors. Call them today. If you don’t have insurance, find someone who will work out a deal and let you pay them later. There are numbers you can call for free right now where someone will sit on the line and hear any crazy shit you want to throw at them and they won’t hang up and they won’t judge you. You can walk into any emergency room in America right now and tell them what’s going on, and they’ll give you a room with a bed and you can turn off your phone and you won’t have to worry about any of this for a while because there will be people looking out for you.<br />
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I know that’s true, because when I was in Weehawken, things got bad enough that I knew if I couldn’t talk to my shrink that night I would be checking myself into the psych ward of the nearest hospital within a few hours. I feel ZERO SHAME about that. I had an anxiety attack, it reeled out of control, and I was thinking about putting my phone in my glove compartment so I couldn’t use it to call anyone for help, buying a bottle of whiskey after not drinking for over ten years, and drinking it until I blacked out just to see what would happen. Those were not rational thoughts for me - when my thoughts stop being rational and get that out of control, I know that I need help and I feel absolutely NO SHAME in seeking that help out. My shrink picked up the phone that night. If not, I would have spent a couple days in a hospital. I don’t feel bad at all, I feel zero shame, typing that here where it’s meant for you but anyone in the world might read it. I’m not ashamed at all that I almost wound up in a mental ward a few weeks ago. No skin off my back at all. It happens, it’s a part of my life sometimes, dealing with this stuff.<br />
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You need help right now. You asked me for it anonymously on tumblr. You and I both know that this answer might make you feel better, it might make you feel worse, I don’t know, I’m not a medical professional. But no matter how it makes you feel, we both know that it can’t solve your problems, because that’s not who I am and that’s not what this blog is for. But you reached out for help to me - you can reach out for help to other people. You’ve broken the seal on looking for help. Find a doctor. Call a hotline. Go to an emergency room. Please, don’t wait. Go now. Walk out of work. If you’re not at work, go tell a family member they should drive you to the hospital. If you don’t want to tell them you think you’re going fucking nuts, tell them you’re having an asthma attack, then tell the doctor the real truth once you get there. Just go get help. You are strong and you are brave. Be strong and brave enough to go get help.<br />
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And please. Always remember that beautiful experiences and massive amounts of love are on their way. If you are able to feel pain and sadness this profoundly, more than most people can ever imagine, remind yourself that you can feel happiness and joy and love this profoundly as well, and that’s our little reward as depressed people. We feel things harder than other people do, and when those things are negative they are complete and total torture. But while we feel pain harder than other people<em> have</em> to, we feel beauty and joy and love harder than anyone else <em>gets</em> to, and that’s the victory that’s waiting on the other side of this pain for you. Hang on. Be tough. Better times are coming. Beautiful things and loving people are already out there, and when this cloud passes you get to experience them all so, so deeply.<br />
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Please know that you are loved. Please know that there’s help. It’s right there, right now for you. It is as close as your phone. Call a hotline. Go to a hospital. Don’t wait. Don’t feel stupid. Don’t feel defeated. Most of all, don’t think you can shoulder this on your own. Take action right now and help yourself.<br />
<br />
Feel better.<br />
Don’t do it.<br />
I got your back.<br />
Very sincere love to you,<br />
Gethard</div>
Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-1382298456900840152012-08-28T21:06:00.002+01:002012-08-28T21:06:33.720+01:00More kids and a sleepy Me HELLOOOOOOOOOOO<br />
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Remember me?? I used to write a blog on here but got a bit caught up in other things and forgot to write a post for almost 2 months. Tut Tut, this just won't do! So here I am Hello my friends :) :) :)<br />
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Well, whats been happening in my little bubble lately? Honestly, not much! Meh<br />
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Ok so we've had the tale of the ex partner and the day he lost his marbles but luckily things on that front have been pretty quiet. Oh no wait, that's not 100% true. I was contacted by a girl to tell me shes been seeing him since New Year but recently just broke up as she was tired of being treated like dirt. This girl is lovely and has been lied to just like i have through the years. I have no issue with her whatsoever, just another unfortunate victim. But was a little put out that she had spent quite a bit of time with Nathan, which i obviously had no idea about. <br />
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And so the bickering with myself and the ex continues. Purely down to the fact he isn't capable of the truth and when it comes to my son i would really like him to respect my wishes. I.e, if he has a new partner can he make sure its serious before involving Nathan, and maybe let me know whats going on (is this unreasonable)? Anyway this has resulted in him kicking off (again) because he doesn't like to live by anyone's rules but his own. This might sound like I'm being unfair but I'm actually describing him perfectly. Having researched some of the things i was faced with in the past, it looks like i was in a 4 year relationship with a <a href="http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-sociopath.htm">sociopath</a>. This has actually freaked me out to be honest, but it explains so much to me and gives me a certain amount of closure. No wonder he had no empathy, patience, loyalty and guilt... hes a sociopath. Now i know the signs i can happily say ill AVOID these types in future and so i look forward to what will be a breeze compared to my previous relationship. I must be strong after all because i have put up with A LOT. <br />
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So onwards and upwards as I always say. The summer here has been no existent. A complete washout! So the weather always plays a part in my everyday activites, especially when considering what to do with a little 'un. We've had a few nice walks, a few trips to the park, lots of house visits to other friends and their kids. But really not much with regards to progress. However, due to the relationship breakdown with Nathans dad, he hasn't seen him for a month. This means i get no time out whatsoever. On top of this it seems Nathan has entered the 'terrible two's' a couple of months early. <br />
<br />
He is nuts!!! Lots of fun things been happening around here. Where to begin?? Oh he has discovered a lovely noise he makes, which he will repeat for hours on end in the same tone, which is enough to drive the most calm person to the end of their tether.<br />
<br />
'argh...argh....argh.....argh.....argh.. a bite, a pull of your hair, argh....argh...argh....throw a toy....argh....argh...argh...have a screaming fit...cry....go limp.....laugh....argh....argh....argh....whats that? whats that? whats that?....argh....argh....argh....juice....want juice.....tantrum.....argh...argh...argh...bite'<br />
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That sums about about an hour of my day. Of course there is much more than that going on and it is EXHAUSTING. I'm like a broken record, my new mantra is 'im so tired'. I'm actually sick of hearing myself say it. So perhaps an excuse, but i find it hard to make new plans, look at ways to progress with my 'pushing boundaries', most of the time I'm just trying to stay awake. In between the dirty nappies, dinner breaks and story telling, we have made a few trips but nothing to really rock my world.<br />
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Also my mum has decided to give her house a long overdue make over, and so since she suffers arthritis and other ailments, i stepped up as chief painter. So picture me with roller in hand, speeding round the house with Nathan Argh, argh, arghing at my feet. Fun times! This usually patient girl has had a few hissy fits herself! This just equals more exhaustion.<br />
<br />
Something i was grateful for this summer was Nathan making himself some friends. For 1 and a half it seems hes quite popular with the local kids, and so it seems is his mum! It seems bizarre that I have 6 and 7 year olds appearing at my door to ask if 'Nathan is coming out' but it relieves a bit of my guilt about not doing much that week. So Nathan and myself will go to the little play areas with all the kids. Yes, when hes older he can go alone but its far to early for that. This means some of the children like to follow us home and have also come into play for a while/wreck the house. Queue more work, more exhaustion.<br />
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One of the little kids who started to appear was a 7 year old girl called Neve. Imagine a scruffy little thing, always dirty, hair always needing a brush and FULL of energy and naughtiness. That's Neve. The other kids seemed to give her a hard time but Neve was quick to lash out, giving her a reputation as 'bad' as well as being known for telling a lot of lies. Well I'm not quite sure what done it but Neve has taken a MAJOR shine to me. I'm not going to go into it too much but i get the impression she doesn't get a lot of love or attention at home, and so shes found a softy in me and is clinging on for all its worth. She now appears at my door everyday as soon as school breaks out. We have baked cakes, gone shopping, done the garden together, shes come to my classes with me. I was really concerned as to what her parents would think since they had never felt the need to meet me (i would be very concerned if Nathan told me he had befriended a 31 year old and was eating dinner in her house!!!) , and so i chapped on their door and introduced myself. They are perfectly happy with it and to be honest i think they like the break as Neve is a HANDFUL. So i now feel like i have 2 kids!! More exhaustion.<br />
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(i found this necklace and note posted through my door. I returned the necklace to her mum but kept the note lol)<br />
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My classes that I loved going to have been less frequent. More so because my friends seem to have moved on from their sudden interest in keep fit, and they no longer go. This means i need to go alone, and although i have done it a few times, its much easier to say i cant be bothered when i know I'm not letting anyone down. but I'm letting myself down. I really love my classes, its a bit of adult time for me and a little break from the demands of kids, and so I'm going to make a point of doing more. Its not as easy doing it alone, but ill try my best. You would think this would leave me even more tired but actually it give me more energy.<br />
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Ive still not had much of a social life and obviously I'm at home every night with Nathan but i know this needs to change. I need to look into getting a sitter and having the odd night out. I know it will do me good, perk me up. We all need some time out, and so ill sort it out... eventually. I have a christening to attend in 2 weeks so that's something to look forward to (or worry about). Lots of adults having fun, obviously i could take Nathan but i think for that day ill give myself a break and relax! However, its at the edge of my comfort zone and ill probably find it hard to 'relax' but ill soon settle. <br />
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Speaking of christenings, Nathan has never been christened. I'm not a regular church goer by any means, but i do have my beliefs and so it seemed natural that when Nathan was born he would be baptised like most babies. Unfortunately, due to the state of my relationship last year, i was in no frame of mind for it, things were far too messy. But i always regretted that it hadn't happened. And although this year things aren't much better, i decided that its been long enough. I contacted the local church and now i am just waiting on a date. It wont be a big event like christenings are these days. Loads of friends and family in the church followed by a big knees up somewhere. It will be much smaller, with just a handful of us, no big party. Just me and my son at the alter doing what i should have done long ago and I'm really looking forward to it. <br />
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So i guess this is why theres been a bit of a break in writing. Ive made no big breakthroughs, felt there was nothing of great significance to tell you. Could beat myself up about what I've NOT been doing, but while I'm actually sitting here writing this, i realise theres a lot i HAVE been doing. Hopefully my next post will be far more focused on over coming a few obstacles. On that note i bid you farewell, hope you all doing great and i am off to the land of nod. Oh do you have agoraphobic dreams? I always do. I'm always far away and trying to get home. Not anxious, just in a hurry hmmm. xxxLynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-92127015761248757902012-06-19T16:24:00.001+01:002012-06-19T16:24:15.721+01:00Battles, both emotional and physical<div style="text-align: left;">
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I join you today a bit of an emotional wreck. It has been pretty eventful here since i last posted. And sadly, not always in a good way.</div>
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Positivity first - Still doing my keep fit classes, in fact I have probably stepped it up a notch. I am now a regular at body pump, my new favourite, which is basically lifting weights to music. Sounds dull but its actually really enjoyable. I am skinny enough and so this class is better for me as the other more active classes would probably cause me to lose weight, which is not what i go for.</div>
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Still taking Nathan to his little clubs. Mothers and toddlers groups etc. Cant say Ive felt completely comfortable from start to finish when i go. but I have a little inner battle going on and so far Ive been winning. </div>
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Also Ive been driving further again, and taking Nathan on more little trips to see friends etc. I feel there is more to tell but maybe it will pop into my head as i write... this post is not only for catching up, but for distraction. Distracting myself from whats just happened.</div>
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Ok it might not seem a big deal to most, but my brother has decided to move to Australia. For YEARS my brother Derek has talked about a move overseas. Job opportunities, weather, money all not being fantastic here in Scotland, he was convinced moving away would be the best decision. I think we all thought it would never happen. But a few months ago the ball was rolling when he booked his flight to Perth, Australia. </div>
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He has friends over there, he has the chance of a job and he has somewhere to live. It sounds fantastic and hes absolutely right, it WILL be a better life. No doubt about it. And so as the date was approaching i decided we couldn't let him go without a good old knees up. I went about choosing a venue, and through facebook, i contacted his friends and got an impressive guest list together. It was supposed to be a surprise and i felt that if i could pull it off it would be something i would be very very proud of. Who would have thought a few years ago that id be doing this. And so the venue was booked, guests invited all i had to do was arrange food, decor and getting him there!</div>
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Last Saturday the party was looming and so i headed off and got decorating. My friend and i filled the bar with banners, Australian flags, bunting and balloons. It looked great and so i headed home to get my party outfit sorted. Sadly about 5 minutes after i left the pub, Derek decided to go for a pint!!! So the secret was out. His friends were supposed to be keeping him away but really he just took it upon himself to pop in and no one was quick enough to stop him. Derek is quite an emotional guy, although he tries to hide it, and he really didn't want a fuss. But he knew we needed him to be there and so the party went ahead.</div>
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It was a fantastic night. For me it was the first night out Ive had since Nathan was born. hes 18 months now so that's a LONG time. I was delighted to see the amount of people who showed face. Family, School friends, workmates, Football friends, gym friends, The place was packed. And best of all Derek looked like he genuinely loved every minute of it, although it was hard seeing my big tough brother shed a tear or TEN. I was completely relaxed and really enjoyed the whole night, stumbling home around 1.30, way past my bed time. It was a huge success.</div>
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Its weird. Derek is my big brother, and so hes just always been there. I have so many fantastic memories from when we were kids. But as adults we spent less time together, as you do. We never really talked about anything deeply anymore. Just pleasantries. And i guess that's quite sad. But no matter how little we've spoke, i always have huge amounts of love for him. Hes my big bro! Hes been amazing with Nathan, very loving and definitely fulfilled the roll or 'fun uncle' and when times have been tough for me hes also been the 'protector'. But for some bizarre reason i didn't mind the thought of him leaving. I felt nothing. I just thought ' Aw well hes going away and its no big deal, he will be happy, ill get used to him not being around as much'. How stupid i was. Derek has just left and i am devastated. I write this through tears and with my heart pounding, stomach turning. My brother is gone. God forgive me for being over dramatic. I should be grateful hes alive and well having recently attended the funeral of a boy with a younger brother and 3 sisters in mourning. (That was horrendous). But from an agoraphobic perspective this is killing me. I am realistic, and no matter how much driving i do or how many classes i attend, i wont be flying to Australia in the next year. From a totally selfish point of view i don't want him to go. Or i want him to go for a month and then come home. I'm telling myself to look to the positive.. i KNOW its the best move for him. And i KNOW ill be fine in a few hours. But for now i want to feel this sadness. I love him and hes gone. And i don't know when ill see him again. Nathan wont remember him, hes too young. And that makes me sad because Nathan loves him so much. Agoraphobia, sometimes i can bear you, sometimes i can live with you hiding in the shadows, but at times like this is hate you. Because you are not me. You are not who i am. And so I'm not saying goodbye to trips to Australia.. not yet.</div>
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The other news is probably more shocking and will be difficult to explain. You've all known about my relationship with Nathans dad and just how turbulent its been. Well the icing was layered onto the cake a few weeks ago. Ill describe this is best i can but for reasons, i will explain, ill keep it brief. </div>
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We had been getting on quite well, friends, seen each other all the time, spent lots of time with Nathan etc. There were good points and their were bad points, which are pretty irrelevant now. But he went out drinking one Friday night, with the promise that he would be taking Nathan out the next day, as he always does on a Saturday. Unfortunately he showed up on the Saturday drunk. This hadn't happened before and so although i wasn't too pleased, i told him to go into mine and sleep it off. I took Nathan down to my mums and left him. Soon i went back home to check on him and lay Nathan down for a nap. To tell you how the argument started is actually quite embarrassing, but lets just say it was something and nothing. It was facebook! Good old facebook, i wonder how many fights it has caused. I seen something i didn't like too much and so i woke him and asked him to leave. It was a build up of a few things and feeling i was basically this guys doormat. But i felt calm, i didn't feel surprise, just closure. 'Please leave'.</div>
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Well in his drunken state he got up and rambled and shouted, all while making way to leave. He didn't know Nathan was home and so he really wasn't too bothered about his behaviour. I opened the door to let him out and WHAM. My head was smashed off a wall. What followed was something i have never experienced before. I was dragged out of my home, by the hair, into the street where i was repeatedly punched while this monster screamed all sorts of obscenities. I felt no pain, i felt nothing. All i could think about was that Nathan was in his bed and i needed to get back inside. Also playing on loop in my head was 'i cant believe this is happening, i cant believe this is happening'. Nathans dad has put me through the wringer but he has never lifted his hands so i was pretty shocked. I could see people walking past and i just prayed they didn't say anything because he was so completely gone, i didn't know if he would hurt them!</div>
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It came to a head when a knife was produced. It sounds crazy but i never thought he would use it. but still you need to be realistic and look at the evidence in front of you! I never thought he would hit me either. He stopped when he finally heard me cry that Nathan was in his bed, and luckily i managed to get away. I ran into my house and locked the doors and called the police. He continued to try to get to me, kicking at the door. I really thought he was going to get through it, but eventually he ran off. I sat there bleeding and pulling out clumps of my hair. 'What the hell just happened'. Thank God, Nathan slept through the whole thing!!</div>
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The police came out and interviewed me. I was fine, shocked but once that passed i really was ok. My head had been split open but other than that i had no major marks or bruises hmmm for someone who lost it, he'd shown some amount of control. It was traumatic though, and for me, with a history of panic attacks and anxiety, i wondered how i would cope. I know that no one will show sympathy for what he done, and i don't expect them to. Also i wont make excuses for it, because there is no way to justify it. But i know he just snapped. Lots of other things had been going on in his life, problems at work, family issues, and of course our relationship, and that day it all got too much. Since then hes started counselling, has been put on antidepressants and beta blockers, and has had to take him from work. The incident has knocked him sick as through this crazy behaviour he has lost alot of respect, if not all, as what happened was done very publicly, and news travels! It will go to court in October, where i will need to attend along with another 2 witnesses. But probably the worst for him is that he cannot speak to me, approach me or even enter my street. My house has a special tag on it so that if i need to phone the police i will get a quicker response. Although i stress i do not feel that myself or Nathan are in any danger. Ive had visits from police, social workers coming to check on Nathan, and for that i am absolutely fuming! I understand they are doing their job but he made that happen and my son is happy and well. </div>
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So there you have it. An eventful month of highs and lows. My life coach said she thinks its impressive that ive kept on going but it has been quite tough. At a class last week, i really struggled. I wanted to leave quite a few times but i held on telling myself to take it a song at a time. Thankfully i made it through without bolting. So its hard but i know i have strength inside of me and now that Nathans dad hasnt been allowed near, i know i am free. Free to totally push myself and focus solely on myself and my son. Limitless!!! So the practice and determination need to keep on going. </div>
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<br /></div>Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-42431511781047378992012-05-19T00:38:00.002+01:002012-05-19T00:40:08.495+01:00Still Facing The Fear<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hi guys and girls. Its been a month since my last post and thought it was high time i filled you in on the latest goings on in my rock and roll life (sarcastic? me??)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well, the fitness classes have kind of taken over. Ive been going 3 or 4 times a week depending on Nathan really. I feel huge guilt when I'm sorting his dinner and sometimes rushing a bath, all so i can leave him for an hour. But i am loving the classes. Im hooked on powerhooping which is just great fun. Body attack and Body pump are now regular and Ive tried a few others to. This Sunday i am trying Bokwa, which judging by YouTube clips, i will find impossible, but will provide a good laugh.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The classes are my 'time out' from mum duties. My friends go all the time and its provided me with some sort of social life. People tell me i should use my time off to just sit back and relax, but i would feel too guilty getting my mum to watch Nathan just for me to laze around. And so i nip out for an hour where i sweat my a** off, struggle to breathe and catch up with the girls. For me, i love it. Where Nathans concerned, i kind of struggle to find the balance. I don't like leaving him too often and i feel less guilty on the nights where I have no classes, but i tell myself that mum needs some time out too. On an anxiety level there have been highs and lows at classes. Powerhooping has become such a favourite that i would hate to miss it. I know in the past when i have missed something, then maybe missed it again, it has been really difficult to go back to it, if Ive gone back at all. And so im probably quite uptight about it. The fact that i WANT to do it so much, just makes me more nervous in case i fail. But ill work on that and hopefully lighten up. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ive mostly felt fine when i know I'm going to a class at night, but of course there's been the odd time where I've thought about it and felt nerves kick in. Ive visualised the drive there and imagined all sorts of panic attack scenarios. But Ive stayed determined and kept on going. It does get easier to ignore those thoughts with practise. There have also been times in class that Ive felt a bit floaty and out of sorts. A feeling I've had a lot through anxiety. But i try my best to ignore this too. To breathe and relax myself. I know that should i HAVE to... i can leave. But Ive never done it. Also with classes being so busy, some with over 100 people, the car park can get pretty busy. I always park in a place where i can get out quite quickly, but last night i got stuck behind a big queue of traffic. I had a brief 'arrrrgghhhhhh i don't like this i don't like this' moment.. but i took a deep breath and it passed.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Also Ive been picking my friends up and dropping them off which has added to my journey. For some this might be normal practise. But to an agoraphobic, that extra responsibility and pressure can make you more anxious. Yeah its hardly pressure but i don't have the option to just ditch a class and run should i panic. I have someone else to think about that i cant just abandon. I'm trying to embrace these little challenges as they are little examples of ways i can help myself grow and improve. As always the thought is way worse than the reality. Of course Ive wondered if i can actually make the journey to my friends house or will i have to explain that I'm freaking out and run. But the reality is i calmly make the trip while we chat, and if i do get nervous, it is very brief and no one would have a clue.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The weather here has been pretty shocking and there have been no signs of summer at all. This isn't so good for Nathan and I. And my forever crappy car is off the road, so its been a tough month regarding us getting out together. We have mostly played in the garden or gone little walks. I do get the use of my dads car from time to time so its not so bad. Nathan has his play dates and we visit family so he is kept entertained. But i suspect that from now till he leave home, ill always wish i could do more.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don't think I'm selfish with regards to Nathan and what i want for him. I could be a blubbering wreck if i really let myself be dragged down by thoughts of what i 'should' be doing for him. I do feel terrible when i hear about people taking trips with their kids. And i have a horrendous guilt that he doesn't do some things because of the way i am. For example, his little play group he was going to, well i would only go there by car. And since that's off the road, and mummy cant walk that distance, he has missed his group. Sometimes i can brush it off and tell myself hes too young to even notice. But there are other times when i feel utterly dreadful. If he had a 'normal' mummy he would still get to his group. We'd just walk it! But I cant focus on that. I need to be positive. If i was to dwell on the things i CANT do instead of what i can, id drive myself crazy. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As long as Nathan is happy, i will be grateful for that. And so last weekend i could have been sad when his dad took him to the beach, but instead i was just pleased that he was getting to the beach at all. His first time on sand. His first time seeing the sea. And i missed it. I could be really cut up about it, but I'm more thrilled that Nathan go to go there and he had an absolute ball. I wont let anyone tell me that ill never take him to the beach. I just couldn't go that day, and maybe not in the near future, but never say never! There are a million and 1 'firsts' that i have been there for and i plan of being a part of millions more. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Today was a day where I had use of my dads car. Id heard of another playgroup that would suit Nathan and decided i should give it a go. Its a bit further than I'm used to driving, but only because i don't get the opportunity to practise like i did in the past. I felt fine knowing what was in store. I knew the route i was taking and i felt pretty confident about the trip. In fact looking back, i didn't once consider that i might not make it. Sheer determination had taken over and i was going there no matter what! My classes are quite good because although i might be nervous at first, I'm soon jumping around and following instructions, and so I'm distracted and before i know it the time is up. It was the same with the last group i took Nathan to. It was so filled with activities, that i didn't have time to think about how i was feeling, i was too busy. And so today i found it more of a challenge. Today's group was more your basic mother and toddlers set up. A big hall (eeek) filled with toys, and chairs round the sides for the mothers to sit and watch. Where was my distraction? My mum had come to and I think that's probably what helped me get through the first 10 minutes. Yeah i thought i was going to be OK, but when i was greeted with this huge room and basically was just to sit still, my mind went into over drive. 'What if i cant make it out to the car', 'What if my legs don't work when i stand up', 'what if i want to bolt, that would be so unfair on Nathan', 'i hate this feeling, i want it to pass now. Ive had enough of this crap'.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Its not even that far from home! 10 minutes drive tops. But its probably because i was out of practise. I looked at Nathan playing with the toys and told myself that this is where i wanted to be. I told myself i was not moving. I would find distraction! I took myself over to Nathan a few times and played with some toys, i read signs on the walls, i went to the bathroom lol. Just walking around instead of sitting thinking, began to help. I had a cup of tea, tried to chat with mum, all the while my head was screaming and my legs were like jelly. But i kept on going. I told myself to stop it, i took big calming breaths and told myself that nothing bad was going to happen. Worse case scenario would be that id panic, but even in the most horrendous panic attacks I've never been left completely immobile!! Id get to the car and be ok!! Soon i realised we'd been there for half an hour and my anxiety began to subside. 'You did it' I thought to myself. Nathans played, hes had his little breakfast with friends. Hes enjoyed himself, and if you really wanted to leave now, it would be a bit soon, but it would be ok. Knowing that the pressure was gone (pressure i had completely put on myself, no one else had done it) well i relaxed and enjoyed the rest of our time. I stayed about an hour and a half in the end. And surprise surprise, after all those horrendous thoughts of panic attacks in the car etc, i drove home completely calm and content. High 5s all round. The only way this is going to improve and i am going to relax easier is by doing it more and more and more. And so ill be going again this week. Tonight I'm wiped out. No doubt that's got something to do with this morning. Anxiety and facing up to it is pretty tiring stuff! But isn't it worth it. I think so x</span>Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-69394005929230050052012-04-12T23:32:00.004+01:002012-04-13T00:34:41.086+01:00Like Attracts Like<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilS9WJBO3dC5JjtA0TnfQJFAkqU8vhCHJnC622Z9fM49hyphenhyphendaIMJYfk2Z98iHAabToFkvBWvAtr-JtuO_hZpeYDxKoPr7-hTMt3D-FE_z6G79k6fZ-d7YuODg2t5ywPiU8PCDhB9647ZNg/s1600/Beto+Zumba+class.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; width: 400px; height: 238px; text-align: center; display: block; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5730660488055435762" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilS9WJBO3dC5JjtA0TnfQJFAkqU8vhCHJnC622Z9fM49hyphenhyphendaIMJYfk2Z98iHAabToFkvBWvAtr-JtuO_hZpeYDxKoPr7-hTMt3D-FE_z6G79k6fZ-d7YuODg2t5ywPiU8PCDhB9647ZNg/s400/Beto+Zumba+class.jpg" /></a><br /><div><div>Hello lovely people, how are you all?</div><div> </div><div> </div><div>A very positive Lynn here, things are going well :)</div><div> </div><div> </div><div>Ive stuck to my previous plans as described. Doing more and getting back out into the world again. Taking Nathan to his play groups, on play dates with friends. </div><div> </div><div> </div><div>Also instead of ruling out new friendships with the usual mindset 'I wont <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">pursue</span> this friendship as i wont be able to do the things they want', i am opening myself up and letting things happen naturally. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I'm</span> not <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">putting</span> the walls up and pulling away. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I'm</span> remembering that I have something to offer people, and that if they are going to be part of my life they will accept me as i am. And i am hopeful that i will be doing more and more and breaking more barriers may they be related to anxiety, habits or relationships.</div><div> </div><div> </div><div>No doubt i have been in a 'rut', whether that is down to my old habits of avoidance and playing it safe, or if its partly down to being in a baby bubble and all consumed by motherhood, i <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">don't</span> know. But i can feel myself moving beyond this now and i am very excited.</div><div> </div><div> </div><div>New friendships are suddenly happening with several people from all different areas in my life. Some <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I've</span> met through Nathan, some <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">Ive</span> met through friends i already have and some completely out of the blue and its really lovely. This in itself give me a confidence boost and adds to this feeling of 'growth' that i have. Does that make sense? I really feel like <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_7" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I'm</span> growing as a person on so many levels. I have a strong sense that i am moving away from my old way of life into something new and much more fulfilling, and i have this feeling in my gut, like <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_8" class="blsp-spelling-error">there's</span> a little light burning, and its just getting brighter.</div><div> </div><div> </div><div>Ive made myself reconnect with lots of people and stop hiding away. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_9" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I'm</span> in touch with a much larger group of people now and through this have started to get more involved in their plans. My closest friend has recently had a baby and has gone on a <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_10" class="blsp-spelling-error">huge</span> health kick. Shes joined the local gym and has been going to classes most nights. I used to love the gym and just before Nathan was born i was pretty much hooked on keeping fit and went to the odd 'body attack' class. Back then it <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_11" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">wasn't</span> about losing weight, but more about enjoying the natural high that i gained through exercise.</div><div> </div><div> </div><div>I missed this part of my life. The first year of a baby being born is pretty crazy. Its absorbs your whole being and normality pretty much goes out the window. I always knew as Nathan got older i would slowly get back into things but its amazing how quickly hes grown up. To me hes still brand new! But the reality is hes grown up so much in the last 15 months and <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_12" class="blsp-spelling-error">im</span> slowly emerging into a life where i can actually do something for me. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_13" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">Don't</span> get me wrong, i could have done this before but just <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_14" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">didn't</span> have it in me. Again, this could be for many reasons, but now seems like a good time. Nathan goes to bed at 7.30 and so from then on, the night is mine. He very rarely wakes up so i have the odd hour or 2 to spare if <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_15" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I'm</span> not completely wiped out. So when my friend suggested i joined her at a class, i agreed. </div><div> </div><div> </div><div>It was quite strange going through the usual bedtime routine, knowing that i was going out once Nathan was asleep. Change in routine can unsettle anyone and i <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_16" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">definitely</span> had an uncomfortable feeling in my tummy. 7.30 is usually when i start to wind down. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_17" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">That's</span> when i flop onto the couch and mentally shut down. But instead i was throwing on sports gear and getting ready to go HULA HOOPING for an hour! Yes... Hula Hooping! </div><div> </div><div> </div><div>I drove to the Sport centre myself and met the girls in there. Mentally taking note that only a few short weeks ago i <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_18" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">wasn't</span> comfortable with the drive there. And 6 of us took on a 'power hooping class'. The class itself had about 25 people involved and although some of the girls were a bit nervous, i was actually feeling <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_19" class="blsp-spelling-error">ok</span>. Even better when i realised i could actually hula with the best of them. We had a really good laugh and when i left i was buzzing that i had gone and done it. Because there were <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_20" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">definitely</span> a few times before hand when i could have pulled out and just flopped <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_21" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">in front</span> of the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_22" class="blsp-spelling-error">tv</span> instead.</div><div> </div><div> </div><div>Since my days of 'body attack' classes id been hearing more and more about <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_23" class="blsp-spelling-error">Zumba</span> and had decided i wanted to give this ago too. So 2 nights later i was throwing on the sports clothes once again and off to take another class. Again we laughed our heads of as this crazy instructor put us through an hour of madness!! We were a sight to behold trying to keep up with her. But its not so much the classes i have enjoyed. Its just getting out there and having some time for me. Being with the girls and <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_24" class="blsp-spelling-error">destressing</span>. But of course the natural high you gain from <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_25" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">exercising</span> is obviously doing me some good. After only 2 classes <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_26" class="blsp-spelling-error">im</span> aching to get back and to be honest i think id be going much more if it was possible. Ive found myself driving home afterwards and thinking '<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_27" class="blsp-spelling-error">awwww</span> i <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_28" class="blsp-spelling-error">dont</span> want to go home yet, i want to stay and talk!!'. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_29" class="blsp-spelling-error">Theres</span> not really much time for talking when your shimmying around with a <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_30" class="blsp-spelling-error">hulahoop</span> or doing salsa. But i cant wait for the next class. I might also think about seeing the girls in another setting but we are all mummies and it can be quite hard to arrange. </div><div> </div><div> </div><div>There have been a few tough <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_31" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">challenges</span> like going into a supermarket i <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_32" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">hadn't</span> been in for a while. I chose the longest queue to stand in and its the most anxious i have felt in a long time. I did really struggle with <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_33" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">negative</span> thoughts and a few times really wanted to bolt. But i stayed put. Running away is not the answer. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_34" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">That's</span> how all the avoidance crap starts. So i stayed and shook and wobbled and <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_35" class="blsp-spelling-error">sweated</span> until i was finally served. I wish i could say i was buzzing afterwards, but really my wee legs were trembling and i just walked away feeling a bit exhausted. I guess on a positive note i could have chosen to go home right away but instead i opted to drive the long way home. Not quite sure if i could handle it, imagining it going wrong, visualising full blown panic but of course none of that happened and it was just another little experience to add to my 'Oh look you thought you would freak out and you <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_36" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">didn't</span>' pile!</div><div> </div><div> </div><div>This experience was closely followed by driving out of my comfort zone only for my car to break down. My unreliable car <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_37" class="blsp-spelling-error">grrrrr</span>. Id been driving around for an hour with no problems, went into a shop and when i came out and started my car, it <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_38" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">wouldn't</span> go. Luckily i <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_39" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">wasn't</span> alone, but i still got a bit nervous. Having experience car troubles before i thought i needed a jump start. So i was looking around for another driver who might be able to help me. Nope no cars in sight. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_40" class="blsp-spelling-error">Hmmm</span> <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_41" class="blsp-spelling-error">ok</span> (heart pounding). I thought over my options. I could completely lose the plot and panic. Or i could deal with this rationally. So as a distraction i got the jump leads set up on the car so that should a car appear i was ready for action. (Heart pounding). A women arrived in a car <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_42" class="blsp-spelling-error">YEY</span>!!! Well she <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_43" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">didn't</span> seem to keen on helping and acted like she was in a bit of a hurry. I was a total <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_44" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">inconvenience</span> but to be honest i <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_45" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">didn't</span> care. She was in a borrowed car and <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_46" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">couldn't</span> work out how to open her bonnet. So i climbed in and looked EVERYWHERE. This women was my way of escape. Her car was my saviour!! But could i open her bonnet? No i <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_47" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">couldn't</span>. And so i had to tell her just to go. That was hard <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_48" class="blsp-spelling-error">haha</span>. Watching her drive off. So i called for a taxi. Waiting while your on the edge of panic is so not easy, but i figured i better do something and knowing a ride home was on the way id keep it together. So i waited and i waited (heart pounding, head racing). Oh bugger this i was imagining running to the shop and asking where there toilet was. Bolting into it, shutting the door and freaking out. But instead i just calmly walked in and asked if there was perhaps someone who could help me. After much chatter between men about what could be wrong with the car (HURRY UP <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_49" class="blsp-spelling-error">ARRRGGHH</span>), they decided i just needed them to push it. So they described what i was to do (keep the clutch down, stay in second gear and when they shouted go... take my foot off the clutch. A bump start basically) Well <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_50" class="blsp-spelling-error">when</span> <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_51" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">your</span> a bag or nerves, coordination <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_52" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">isn't</span> that great but we did it. They got me going and as i drove off i seen my taxi arriving, oops, but there was no going back. On reflection i did actually stay calm, although on the inside i was screaming. Also its a good experience to add to my pile. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_53" class="blsp-spelling-error">Ok</span> the car broke down and you coped, and you would cope again.</div><div> </div><div> </div><div>An unreliable car does limit what i do in some ways. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_54" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I'm</span> not too keen to try anything major in the fear it happens again, but once its fixed ill lose that nervousness.</div><div> </div><div> </div><div>And so <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_55" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">that's</span> about all i have to tell you. I am completely shattered these days and blogs etc have been neglected but i get round to it eventually. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_56" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I'm</span> am looking forward to tomorrow and next week and basically just accepting all the good things coming my way. Like attracts like <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_57" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">doesn't</span> it, and so <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_58" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I'm</span> happy and positive and buzzing. Lets see what happens x</div><div> </div><div> </div></div>Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-67179668022082894372012-03-29T08:53:00.001+01:002012-03-29T08:55:08.056+01:00Agoraphobia SurveyHi guys. I was contacted by a student who needs help with an agoraphobia study. If you have a few spare minutes i would be grateful if you could give your input. Its completely anonymous and only a few questions long. Thanks <a href="http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/8CBJQ8B">http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/8CBJQ8B</a>Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3914969552005146177.post-87000712956036597152012-03-20T08:13:00.004+00:002012-03-20T13:24:22.877+00:00Fall in love with life again<img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; width: 228px; height: 400px; text-align: center; display: block; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5721889847070304690" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigNcvWjk8ED1Uv0P9oLV4NnnvG5THG5V9YBe3DSodKO5mPZa8TF0-_QoPBAsDhb919xIHhfDQuAILwfCBuwHbgHzsprDeAYCm5FjCgvIvNWUv7EstJWSbXy1hlmNMEMwwIvcFvfB3qGFU/s400/SAM_0285.JPG" /><br /><div>I got a lovely email the other day from a recovered agoraphobic. After telling her story she said she has now fallen in love with the world again, and i can totally relate.</div><div> </div><div> </div><div>Ive said before that if <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">you've</span> suffered panic/anxiety/agoraphobia, i think it makes you a far more patient, understanding, APPRECIATIVE person and i stand by this. I remember when i was at my very worst, i would have given so much to go a simple walk. Something that most people will take for granted. And although i <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">wouldn't</span> wish this condition on anyone, i do feel quite lucky that i appreciate the simple things, and that i <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">definitely</span> fall in love with life all over again.</div><div> </div><div> </div><div><span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">Im</span> back on track! After the hospital episode i gave myself a good shake and started to work harder with my issues. One thing that had riddled me with guilt is that I <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">wasn't</span> doing enough for Nathan with regards to play dates and other social activities.</div><div> </div><div> </div><div>Well i found a suitable class and told myself we were going. I was nervous and many times could have backed out but i was adamant that we were doing it. He deserved it and i needed it! I told myself to stop putting it off, if i just DO IT, i will be happier, <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I'd</span> feel less guilty, ill be getting myself out and mixing again and a ton of other reasons.</div><div> </div><div> </div><div>So the morning of the class came and my little legs were like jelly. I was on and off the toilet all morning and generally just wanted to call the whole thing off. I took the journey in stages. If i just made it to the building i would decide then if i could actually go into the class, but just get there at least.</div><div> </div><div>Well i got there and entered the building. The class was at the back of the building AND up the Stairs (Typical, no fast escape route) but we did it. The room was filled with gym equipment and other fun things for Nathan. Slides, swings trampolines. He was so excited and running about crazy wanting into anything but the class does have a structure. So firstly we all had to sit in a circle, about 30 of us, and sing songs, do actions etc. Then free play where the kids choose from a massive toy box, and finally they are let loose on the equipment. Since Nathan is so small i had to take him round the circuit helping him. It was more of a work o<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" class="blsp-spelling-error">ut</span> for me than for him but this was probably better. If i had been sat at the side watching i would have had time to think, but instead i was so preoccupied with that i was doing i was totally distracted. There <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_7" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">wasn't</span> one point in the entire class that i felt nervous. I <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_8" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">didn't</span> want to run. I loved it! I was so proud i had got there and took Nathan myself. No one else. I <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_9" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">wasn't</span> relying on anyone else for a change and i was buzzing. I got to watch my son and play with him and i loved every minute of it. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_10" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">Don't</span> get me wrong, when i first went into the class my legs were ready to give way on me, but i kept on going and soon forgot about the nerves. Nathan had an absolute ball and i told the women running it that we would be going every week from now on.</div><div> </div><div> </div><div>From there i had to meet my support worker and due to my confidence boost i went a huge drive. We went further than i have in the last year of meeting her. We went into shops, i casually browsed the shelves and then drove the long way home. She was impressed and i was buzzing. </div><div> </div><div> </div><div>The entire day PROVED once again that i can do it. That <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_11" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">Ive</span> wasted so much time sitting worrying and imagining the worst. I was actually annoyed with myself for not doing it sooner but i cant change that. For whatever reason, i <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_12" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">didn't</span> do it before but <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_13" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">there's</span> no point dwelling on the past. I can just concentrate on improving the future.</div><div> </div><div> </div><div>Its hard to break out of your routine. To do something different, especially when the thought of it makes you nervous. But when you do it the rewards are so worthwhile. Pride, happiness, a self of achievement, confidence. And from there it changes your future too. Since that day i literally lost a ton of guilt and i also lost a lot of the fear id built up since Nathan was born. When i was almost rid of my agoraphobia before i had a certain way of thinking. I was always positive. I frequently told myself '<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_14" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I'm</span> doing this, and so what if i panic. If i do i will cope'. And in that one day my thinking has become far more like that again, much more confident. </div><div> </div><div> </div><div>With a huge amount of fear gone i have been driving more and more. Walking further with Nathan. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_15" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">We've</span> been back to the class, and will continue to go every Thursday. And i set all sorts of play dates with lots of other mothers. Nathan and i are meeting a lot of new friends. This means driving to new houses where i am not familiar and maybe not too comfortable, but i keep on going. And ill be setting myself all sorts of other challenges. Im excited!</div><div> </div><div> </div><div>The sun is shining more often and its very true, i fall in love with life all over again. I want to do more and more and i <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_16" class="blsp-spelling-error">dont</span> want to waste any time. But what i know is that i APPRECIATE these things. I enjoy them more than i ever would have before. And i get a huge sense of achievement from every little trip we take together. Life is too short to keep putting things off and i need to remember this. Looking forward to a fun filled productive year!</div>Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16985336897832589441noreply@blogger.com7