Tuesday, 19 February 2008

Happy Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day everyone! I know it's a little late but i haven't had a chance to write before.

Thing's are still a bit crazy at home. Luke got out of hospital only to be rushed in again the following night. Then since he was feeling well again, came home yesterday. Unfortunately he's just been taken back in again. So the phone is ringing non stop and the family are all taking turns staying over night. It's affecting me as i obviously haven't been to the hospital to visit him. It's WAY out of my comfort zone so seems impossible. I can't help wonder if i am just incredibly weak and selfish to not even try! I do speak to Luke on the phone everyday. He know's i never visit the hospital and doesn't expect me too but i am riddled with guilt. I miss him like mad. That's now 3 weeks that i haven't seen him...feels like much longer. He was meant to be spending the day with me tomorrow but who knows when i will see him now. As long as he gets better i am happy to wait.

Someone asked me about my Open University course in a previous post. For anyone who is interested you can check out The Open Universities website. Some courses can be expensive but there is funding available. Since i can't work and am recieving benefits u was eligable for financial help. All information on funding comes with the University prospectus.

Ok so update on the Agoraphobia and panic attacks. It's been up and down, as usual. Generally i have been fine. Although one night last week i had the biggest panic attack i have had in a long time. It took me by surprise and scared me a little as this one didn't pass so quickly. I tried using EFT and tapping through it but it didn't seem to make a difference this time. Thankfully i managed to keep myself composed and let it pass. When something like that happens it is so easy to feel defeated and to get back into the old routine of feeling sad, desperate and then panicking all over again. A vicious circle. But thankfully i understand my anxiety much better now. I know these little relapses just happen. It is like the panic wants to remind us what it can do. These little reminders terrified me in the past and would leave me confind to my bed for days, or weeks! This time i just dealt with it then forgot all about it.

I have decided to set myself an agenda each Sunday night. I am going to plan my week ahead and set myself goals. This might only be something small like spending the day working in the garden or taking a walk to the shops but i know i need to get myself out of the house and more importantly i need to create a routine. How many people like me have turned night into day? It seems this is common in people who suffer from anxiety. So... i plan to be up early, washed and dressed at a reasonable hour and ready to take on that days challange. It will probably be baby steps as i find that too many agoraphobics try things that are way beyond their abilities and end up scaring themselves, leaving them back at home feeling anxious again. I will put a copy of my schedule on here when it's ready.

So i hope everyone has had a good week & that everyone is well. Thanks again for all your emails. It really encourages me to fight harder and thats always appreciated.