Feels like I haven't written in ages! Ive actually not been online very much which is why there has been a lack of blogging and 'twittering'.
Above is my new car and may i add, my first car. A friend of mine offered me it for free and I happily accepted. Its an older car as you can probably see but its shiny and convertible and mine mine mine! I do love it but there is a small set back... I don't actually have a driving licence. Perhaps i was a little hasty in taking up his offer but there was method to my madness. I have has quite a lot of driving lessons but unfortunately i was taking them around the time that I first started to suffer with panic attacks. Just as the time was approaching for me to sit my test I gave up the lessons all together. I often wonder if my life would have turned out differently if i had been able to drive, but my guess is that i would still have ended up agoraphobic anyway.
So with the new car i plan on getting back on the road. I will go out with my mum and get my confidence back up and hopefully ....eventually, be able to put in for my test. In the meantime i took the car for my mums benefit also. She past her test years ago and it gave her a fantastic life and she was often popping out here, there and everywhere. Then she got a new car which was an automatic. Unfortunately, after driving an automatic car for years she lost the confidence to drive a manual car. Now i think she has built it up so much in her own head that she gets very nervous at the thought of it. Now with the new car i am hoping she will get back out there and practice. I'm sure she will be out and about in no time.
I have been to the pub for the last 3 weekends in a row. I don't have much else to add about this. I suppose i should be proud and look at the comparison to my life a year ago... or even just at New Year. When I went to the pub at New Year i was quite uptight, but now when i go I am pretty calm. So this is good!
My walking is still going fantastically. I have walked to the shops regularly since i last post and I still cant believe some of the places I'm finding myself. Last week i got a bit of a scare though. While walking home from the shops i suddenly started to panic. It came out of the blue and caught me totally off guard. I was on the phone to my friend and suddenly felt really dizzy. I told myself to focus on her voice and just ignore these feelings but they got worse and i found myself thinking 'i am really far from home, it's going to take me at least 15 minutes to get back and i really don't like this'. I tried again to focus on my friends voice but as the anxiety hit me again I started to run. As I got closer to home it passed and instead of going home i took another route and continued my walk. It did scare me though. I have been back to the shops and have walked that way since. I wanted to be sure i didn't start avoiding it cause that is how the problems start isn't it. Anyway I have went walking everyday as per usual and tell myself that I will not let that hinder me. It is not always easy though.
I've been on more drive's, one with Gerry which resulted in ANOTHER fight ha, sometimes I feel like i am ready to take big leaps and other times I am not so confident but all i know is that i just have to keep on trying. Dentist tomorrow, Hairdresser Thursday, Kids at the weekend. Trying to keep busy but lately I feel completely exhausted. I am sleeping a lot but i could sleep so much more. Maybe I need vitamins??? Oh well I will go for now and Ill be back all upbeat and positive but right now i just need sleep. Hope you are all well x