Saturday, 21 March 2009

Feelings can be hard to explain

I wrote my last post pretty quickly as I felt it was time for a catch up but to be honest I thought it was a bit of a rubbish ramble. The car is good news, yes! Also for my first car i am extremely proud of it. It is old but when the sun is out and you take the top down it is quite impressive to me. I have been out washing and hoovering her. Making her look pretty, but driving it is still beyond me for now.

I say i am confused as this week I have been feeling a bit....hmmm.... flat?

I am doing well, this is true. But you know when you have agoraphobia you go out and do something new and you get that BUZZ! You feel so proud of yourself and your excited and buzzing and ready for the next challenge (well not at that point but soon you will try some more lol). This week though I have been keeping up my little tasks, walking to places I hadn't reached in years but the buzz has gone. I have noticed that when i achieve these things I don't get that BUZZ and its kind of disappointing. I know that feeling wouldn't last forever. Maybe I have taken the same routes so many times that it is no longer a big accomplishment?

After the panic attack I had when i was out the other day I was determined to walk to the shops again, to prove to myself that it hadn't put me off the way it would have done in the past. I have been there everyday now and I get no buzz. But then on top of this I have just felt a bit BLAH.

Perhaps it is hormones? I know some females say they can be more anxious at a certain time of the month (sorry guys), but it hasn't been anxiety just BLAH, boredom maybe!

I avoided talking about this in my last post as I didn't want anyone to think i am all down and depressed and on a downward slope. I am still very happy and positive but this weird thought comes into my mind. We live as agoraphobics and we dream of a better life. We dream of the day that we can get out there and live a life with no barriers, where we can do whatever we want, whenever we want. I think in our minds some of us may think that when we achieve this goal we will be completely happy. But what if we achieve all this and still feel a bit BLAH?

I think this feeling I am having is due to being a bit annoyed with myself. Although I stick to my routine everyday and never miss any of my tasks i am still not getting as far as I want to. I am still in my town. Still not at Gerry's house. But as the summer approaches I tell myself I will get out there in the sunshine and continue to fight..have some patience. Look how far you have come Lynn!... but BLAH!!!!

Am i making sense haha???

On Friday though I went and picked Luke up from school and the feeling passed. He smiled and i was happy again. I remember I am only 28, I have a fiance i adore, and hopefully I will have my own son or daughter in the next few years. There is much to look forward to, and if i fight hard enough then I have the world at my feet. My plan career wise is to get into Nursing. It may be a pipe dream at the moment but I have been told my so many people that I would be ideal for counselling or working in health care. It is good to have ambitions isn't it.

Today I was out all day in the sun. Walking and driving with Gerry and then he told me that I could drive us home. Well i drove in a straight line. Managed to stall the car twice, which i have NEVER done. He told me I drove worse than his granny and when I got out of the drivers seat i left the car in gear and it kangaroo jumped away from me. Is it possible that the more your practice the WORSE you can get lol


Mr. Blue said...

I think you're recovering, and that's making you miss the challenges you had in the past. Not to say that you're still in the fight, but a part of you could be seeing your current situation as an anticlimax compared to what you've had to deal with before.

My friendly advice is to increase the intensity of your agoraphobia training. Do not let your guard down. This is where you prove to yourself that not only can you work on your agoraphobia - you also have the ability to beat it.

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diver said...

Hi Lynn, love your little convertible. That was such a great pic and tale :)

I reckon you're making sense, really, you always make sense.

I love my little car too. It's got dark tinted windows and a good sound system, lol. Over the years it became a sort-of 'extension' of my house. Learning basic mechanical repairs and servicing; and having a 'Roadside Assist' service available to me has helped me get over those agoraphobic worries about getting stranded ... which I discovered was my main concern with driving. So now driving is an anxiety-free and quite enjoyable thing for me. I really hope that over time the same thing happens for you - it's been a big step forward with my ag to be an independent driver, I can really recommend it!

Steve said...

an antidote to feeling flat from a fellow anxiety sufferer- i think it's important to remember the personal effort and progress you've made tackling agoraphobia; guard against 'disqualifying the positive' as they say in cognitive therapy. Hope this didn't sound too boring.

Nechtan said...

I remember this part well Lynn when I started after being housebound going for walks. In the begining it was liberating and I got a great sense of achievement but then they started to feel like a chore. Why that is I don't know but I felt bored more than anything going for them.

Keep at it though because that will go with time too. The first time that happened to me I gradually stopped going out and found myself suddenly back at square one cursing myself. You have done great and that will keep your confidence level up.

All the best


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