Back to School

So today was my first day at my volunteering job. I should have been nervous, I usually would have been, but i have had a lot of other things going on so the job had been at the back of my mind.

I woke up early this morning, earlier than usual, and thought 'Urggghh I remember why I hated working, I want to go back to sleep'. Lots of things went through my head actually and its hard to get things into perspective when your half asleep. Like i did in the past I even considered not going but as the time went on I remembered why i had applied for this. This is a fantastic opportunity and something I could get great enjoyment from.

I got myself ready and headed to the class. I couldn't find a parking space and the one i eventually found was pretty far away. Although I usually don't have a problem with walking from A-B, I find in a new situation where I have nerves to deal with, I am better being a little closer. My agoraphobic mind kicks in and tells me that, should i panic and need to run, i want to do it quickly.

Into the building I am greeted by an elevator. Well surprise surprise I don't do lifts! Luckily I found some stairs and headed to the room which it was at the back of the building. Another Agoraphobics dream. Entering the class I see its filled with about 25 people So i walk in and take my seat, nervous?? Yeh! I tried to busy my mind with reading posters on the walls and things like that and I was managing to get quite comfortable but then came the part I was dreading. You know what its like when you start something like this, they do that 'lets get to know each other' thing, where each person stands up and says a bit about themselves. I waited with bated breath until it was my turn, and of course I was last which gave me plenty of time to get a bit flustered. I spat out my introduction 'Hi I'm Lynn and I have always been interested in working with people with special needs or adults who need help with reading, writing or numbers, so this was the perfect opportunity for me'. And Breathe!

One of our tasks was to discuss the difficulties which can face adults who want to go back into learning. We covered issues like money, children and then someone said 'Health issues can cause problems for example if someone is agoraphobic' I couldn't help but smile to myself. The rest of the class plodded along nicely and I started to mingle with the others, before I knew it I was enjoying myself. The instructor told us what is coming up in the next few weeks and I found myself really looking forward to it. 8 weeks of training and then we get to start helping people. Exciting.

So I got through it and was feeling really elated and proud of myself. Sometimes I need to remind myself how far I have come.

Throughout the class the instructor had made comments about not really liking the room we had been given. It was a bit cramped and there was no air conditioning so it was a little warm in there. But then he shocked my by telling us there is another room we could go to.... in another town. My heart sank. One of the best things about the job for me was its location. Most of the people in the class had travelled from all over and they didn't really have an issue with relocation. It came down to a class vote. Did we want to stay where we were, or did we want to go to this new building with more space, better parking and air con? Obviously I put my hand up with a vote to stay put, but only 4 other people joined me, and so we have been relocated.

The new location is waaaaay out of my comfort zone and its somewhere I have never travelled alone. Ill be honest I think this may be the end of the road for me. Absolutely gutted. I will call them mid week and see what they can come up with but my adult literacy career might end up being very short indeed.

EXTREME Agoraphobia

An article in The Sunday Mail newspaper yesterday -

A desperate panic attack sufferer has been living in an NHS car park for FIVE Months. The 29 year old woman is sleeping in her car outside an A&E Unit - with the knowledge of doctors and police - since November. She is severely agoraphobic and only feels safe in the car park where she is near doctors.

The women said 'My life has been turned upside down. I no longer have much of a life being stuck here. 'I'm a bit embarrassed about it because I know its not a normal thing to do but I cant help it'. 'During the winter, it was freezing and very hard to stay out here'.

NHS bosses and Strathclyde police discussed the situation but were unable to give the women the medical help she needs.

Yesterday, her boyfriend, who brings her food everyday, claims the authorities abandoned her and are only acting now after the Newspaper approached them on Friday. He said 'We have been trying for months to get this horrendous situation sorted out and nothing was done'.

His girlfriend spends hour after hour in her hatchback and is known to staff and visitors. Occasionally she steps out to fetch food and drinks from the hospital shop or to wash or use the toilet.

her agoraphobia triggers panic attacks and makes her terrified of nearly all public places and open spaces. She has slept in her car every night through Scotland's coldest winter in 30 years with her boyfriend bringing her food and sleeping bags.

The women developed a mild heard flutter in October which triggered anxiety and panic attacks and led her to believe that she could die if she was not close to A&E staff. She is currently on betablockers to calm her nerves.

The women said ' I started getting panic attacks - I suffered palpitations and struggled to breathe'. 'It seemed to come out of the blue - there was nothing specific that caused it. I know it's not a normal situation bit the symptoms are very real. If I leave this area for any length of time I start to feel extremely unwell and panicky. It is a feeling that is so bad, it is difficult to describe it unless you have been through it yourself'. The hospital facilities are very good and I can nip in to use them. My boyfriend also comes down to check on me and make sure everything is alright. He is very worried about me, as are my family. I normally have my dogs for a few hours a day, that cheers me up. The days can be quite long but I have a laptop and a mobile phone to keep me occupied. I had the heater in the car for warmth and blankets but it was still very cold. A lot of people have agoraphobia but they tend not to leave their house of somewhere they are very familiar with. Before all of this my life was totally normal. I went out for meals, went to the pictures and did everything that a person in their 20s would do. Whenever I try to leave, I have a very bad panic attack and I have been in A&E a few times. I have been in the psychiatric ward but they just want to keep you in for a few days and you sit bored watching TV. The ward doesn't deal with my anxiety. There is a lack of services for people like me but the hospital staff have been very nice to me. I cant fault the staff at the hospital. They make sure I am OK and have done as much as they can but my GP wasn't much use. I have been told I would have a 3 month waiting list to see a psychologist. They can give you medication for anxiety but I want to avoid all that. There is also cognitive behavioural therapy'.

Her boyfriend said the hospital had been in contact as soon as we asked them to comment on Friday. He said 'Thank goodness things are now moving. Officers would check in from time to time to make sure she was OK and her case was always brought up in meetings between health officials. They have been very dismissive with my girlfriend from day one. They seem to be working from a textbook that doesn't fit the template. This has been awful for us. During the winter I was basically keeping her alive. I was making sure she had petrol and food and enough heat to stay alive. I used to be into mountaineering and took her a sleeping back that is for minus 50 conditions. She gets food from the hospital canteen or we have a take-away. Sometimes I make some food and bring it down wrapped in tinfoil so she at least gets one square meal. I have also tried to get her back to the house now and again. But we can only do that when our doctors surgery is open so that we can make a stop their for her to get calm again. Then we can make the last leg of the journey'.

Some medical staff at the hospital are concerned the woman is not receiving the care she needs. One said 'She is caught in the middle because she is not so psychologically ill that she needs to be sectioned. But on the hand she is clearly not entirely well either'.

The woman's boyfriend added 'Cognitive behavioural therapy has been discussed but there has never been any concrete attempt to actually do it. The best way to deal with her issues would be some sort of talking therapy or even a psychologist to comes and talk to us.

So what do you think of that??? Do you feel great sympathy or do you feel frustration? I feel both. I can complete empathise with this poor girl and the lengths she has gone to, to avoid panic attacks. She must feel like she has lost her mind and completely alone at the moment. Her situation only began at the end of last year and so it is relatively new, therefor it is probably extremely scary for her. I know that many people, even some of you readers, will try to avoid medication, but I felt a little frustrated that the girls situation is so extreme but she isnt willing to at least try some kind of medication. I think if I got that bad I would be trying ANYTHING to make the situation better. But for those of us who have dealt with this for years surely we can offer her a bit of hope? I actually considered contacting the newspaper to see if I could help in anyway. Maybe the girl just having someone to talk to who has been there would help? or maybe I can tell her their is help available if you just know where to look for it??

100 Weird Phobias that really exist!

A women contacted me with a link to an article she had published and thought you readers might wanna check it out.

http://www.nursingdegreeguide.org/2010/100-weird-phobias-that-really-exist/

Might make for interesting reading.

Negative Thoughts and Mental Health Chat Rooms.

Hello dear bloggers. Once again I have been seriously neglecting my blog, and eventually the guilt takes over and I feel the need to write, even if I feel there is nothing particularly interesting to write about. But hey don't disappear just yet. I know this isn't the most attention grabbing first paragraph but lets see where my typing leads us.

Ok the Secret. I wrote a quick post about this because while I was listening to the audio I felt totally inspired. It grabbed both my attention and my imagination and I totally believed what I was hearing. I'm not going to say my opinion has changed now, its not that at all. But life can be pretty busy at times and basically I haven't had a chance to listen to the rest of it. There are a few interesting tips and good ways of looking at things, so when i eventually get back to it, i will take notes and post some info on here.

So what agoraphobic type issues do I have to talk about? Well since i no longer live my life obsession over agoraphobia I have stopped researching it as much. This includes self help books, audio, video etc but last week I decided to have a little look online. Im afraid I still didn't find the golden ticket, you know 'the cure'. What I was actually looking for was a video of someone having a Panic attack. Since Youtube pretty much has videos of anything, i thought that would be the best place to look. Maybe I wasn't looking very well but I actually couldn't find anything! Ok i found 2 videos. One is a man in a taxi driving through New York (i think) and if im honest I wasn't sure if it was a spoof. The next one I found was a man on a plane having a terrible time. This one seemed much more believable but actually a bit distressing. I suppose I was looking for someone like me, just sitting at home or out doing some shopping. Something more realistic. Anyway no such luck but what I did find was videos upon videos from people claiming 'Stop panic Attacks now', 'What to do if you panic in a supermarket' etc. Do you guys watch these videos and find them of any use?

I told you on previous posts that i was having a bit of a bad time with my anxiety and what felt like the onset of depression. Thankfully this has passed but at the time i decided that when I next had a panic attack I was going to film it from start to finish. Well unfortunately and fortunately I didn't have one again, but the little bit i did post on here before of the aftermath of quite a bad attack worked as quite a good distraction at the time.

What I also did was bought a notebook which i decided I would carry everywhere with me. I had done this before but with a piece of card with things written down to help me mid panic, you know that point when your heads all over the place and you cant quite concentrate. I'm sure many of you have tried the same thing or at least written down affirmations somewhere. When I think back to just over a month ago I was actually in a really bad place. I can admit I was having totally crazy thoughts, the worst Ive had in years. I was very down and everything was a bit gloomy for me. Talking to Jorg about this he tried to give me a kick up the bum and get me thinking positive. One of the tasks he gave me was that every night when I was writing my diary I was to list 5 positives from that day. I don't know if this is what has helped lift my mood but it does help you focus throughout the day and notice the little positives which you might have ignored in the past. Anyway, back to my notebook, i will share with you what I have wrote down. This is a bit of advice to myself either to calm me when I'm in a panic, remind me of reality or give myself a bit of metal motivation. See if it makes sense for you... No laughing ha

• This is your anxious head doing your thinking. Ignore it. Your thoughts are not rational right now.
• Breathe Lynn. In through your nose while counting to 3. Hold it for 3. The slowly out of your mouth for a count of 9.
• You are where you WANT to be (this one if for when i am away from home. I would want to run while panicking but this is a reminder that I am doing what i WANT to do. so no running!)
• See this hard time as a challenge
• This is a good way to get even stronger
• Be stubborn
• You have a choice here. Do you choose to give into this? No!

• Everything you want to do - you can do it! It is ALWAYS easier than your head tells you it will be.
• Go out everyday and do SOMETHING. No matter how small.
• Always attempt things that scare you. When you succeed you will feel the buzz. If you panic well at least you tried it. If you don't at least try it, you will never get anywhere, you'll kick yourself and the anxiety will have won.
• When your anxious, think of someone really confident and imagine what THEY would do in that situation.
• Kick Ass!!!

Wow what words of wisdom ha. Most of this is totally common sense but it is so easy to forget common sense while in the grip of panic. The most difficult thing is changing your thinking isn't it? When your in that mind set it can completely absorb you, and this is what I was going through for a couple of months.

One night I was thinking about my day and realising the mental struggle I had just gone through. A day of voices in my head. No no not the crazy voices where a little demon is telling me to do bad things. Just the anxious voice and the realistic voice. I realised the conversation throughout the day would probably go like this...

• Bad - Morning. I'm still tired and feel a little anxious. Maybe I will panic in a minute
• Good - No you wont. You know you can sometimes feel like this when you just wake.
• Bad - Yeh but maybe it wont go away this time
• Good - It will, it always does
• Bad - Ugghh look at that grey sky, a depressing day i should stay in
• Good - Don't be silly, life goes on. Ill go do something productive
• Bad - Like what. I don't want to go far. All my friends are busy. Ill stay in
• Good - No you will go out and feel better for it
• Bad - (walking to the shops) have u got your phone, you might panic while walking here
• Good - Got it, but wont need it
• Bad - Might need it actually. Might panic in this shop and totally freak out
• Good - You'll be fine
• Bad - Nah you might panic real bad and need help and not be able to walk
• Good - Not gonna happen
• Bad - Well that wasn't a great day, you didn't do much, didn't see anyone
• Good - but I still went out so that's good. I didn't sit in and mope
• Bad - yeh but your alone now with nothing to occupy you so you will prob get anxious
• Good - No i can relax and have a nice time just chilling out

The sad thing about this is that it goes on constantly throughout the entire day with far more negative thoughts than I even realise. But when I thought about it that night I felt utterly exhausted! What a battle to put myself through every. single. day. For you guys out there going through the same thing, my sympathy is with you because its bloody awful! But on a positive note, like I always say, 'this too shall pass'. I have had some really dark times but they do always pass. Its just important to have patience and not beat yourself up too much. At least that's what I try to do.

For women out there, have you noticed a change in your mood at your time of the month? I didn't for years but recently it has become more and more apparent that my cycle affects me. When I was at my lowest it was coming up to that time of the month and for the first time in over a year I just cried. I felt so down and totally hopeless. Yeah we all get PMT but for it to actually affect my thoughts and anxiety was quite new. The answer to this??? I don't know. I just tell myself that it will be over in less than a week and knowing there is possibly a reason that I am more anxious seems to help.

While online I also noticed more and more mental health chat rooms. Do any of you use them? I understand that maybe people find comfort in these chat rooms, talking to people who understand them and can empathise. But I take a different view. Yes I have agoraphobia but this doesn't define me. When you eat, sleep and breathe that you are an agoraphobic then I would say your gonna find it pretty difficult to move on from it. There is far more to me than that. And sometimes, when I am feeling good I can actually forget about it and have a 'normal' life. It is not the be all and end all. And when in these chat rooms I feel it is a reminder of an illness. Ok i realise that people in there have fun and joke around and stuff. But I feel like in the back of my head the reminder would always be there that I am in this room because I have a problem. And these people have a problem. And then eventually someone new joins and they ask what your problem is, and you tell your sordid tale all over again. And really what is this doing to help you? Also what if you are attempting to get better and your trying out some new therapy or relaxation method and one of the members quickly tells you 'Oh I tried that and it didn't work'. Well talk about a confidence booster. Do we really need to hear about peoples failures? I say this because in the past i DID try these rooms. When I was at my most desperate I would turn to such websites for help, but I never found it. I was so desperate to find that agoraphobic who had been cured. Who had gotten over it and could tell me how they managed it. But I never found one person on there who had overcome agoraphobia. And this actually made me think that NO ONE had ever gotten over it. All the therapies and other methods I tried seemed completely pointless. I guess the simple answer to this is that all the agoraphobics who have truly got over this are out enjoying life and are too busy an occupied with other things to sit down and go on to a chat site to talk about an unpleasant part of their past that they would rather forget. And then these is the final point that sadly you will find people in these rooms who are so completely frustrated, sad, lost, desperate with life. And Even though they think they want to get better, they never really try anymore. And so when you start making progress and getting your life in order they will quickly beat you down because they don't want to hear about someone having successes when they themselves are failing. Do we need that? I don't.

I admit i don't find it helpful but forgive me if you don't agree. If you find these sites helpful, or you've found a recovered agoraphobic then good for you. We all find different things that work for us. But I would like to think that if someone told me they were trying a new technique that had failed for me, that i would still encourage them and give them as much hope as possible. We all need to see light at the end of a tunnel, and not that of an oncoming train. It actually makes me regret previous posts where I have talked about nothing working for me but imsure even in those I would have said that just becayse it didnt work for me... it may work for you.

Ok the guilt of not writing my blog for a while is lessened slightly the only issue I have now is that i think this post is rambling nonsense ha.

What do I have coming up? Not a great deal. Out everyday walking and driving. Spending as much time with Gerry as possible. Seeing the kids as much a possible but I am enjoying the change in weather. Already it is having a positive effect. It is still cold but the sun has been shining lately and today I was buzzing. I have been very busy lately and my thoughts have calmed, I am just living at the moment and not having these mental battles as much. I have some more dental appointments coming up and im ok with this. Finally all the cosmetic stuff is starting so I will hopefully have a smile to be proud of soon. Oh And I have been looking into Volunteering! I have found an adult literacy class and am hoping to be getting involved with that as soon as possible. The class is for adults who cant read or have very limited skills and I have offered myself as a tutor. I would love the chance to do it and help people out in someway, i think it would be very rewarding and to be honest I need to find something to do with my time. I am still a long way away from returning to work although I do look locally for any part time positions which may be available. No such luck as yet. And so I bid you goodbye dear reader. And if you have read this far than I congratulate you and thank you.

The Secret

Ok who's read this? 'The Secret' by Rhonda Byrne.

My parents read it and they were talking about it for days. Then I heard some celebs mention it on TV. My curiosity got the better of me. What's it all about? It's about positive thinking and the law of attraction. Exactly what Jorg has been teaching me. I thought I had anxiety figured out, and have known for years that its my thoughts that cause my feelings, but lately this has been even more obvious. I have a feeling quite a few of you will have read it already but I am going to post some of the best bits.

In the meantime, if you have read it, whats your thoughts on it?

Let Panic Go

For anyone with an iPod touch or iPhone there is this cool little application. A friend emailed me to tell me about this last night and I downloaded it immediately for a look.

The features of Let Panic Go :-

• biofeedback enhanced, to help regain control over breathing


• No audio necessary - Visually formatted for rapid access and ease of use


• Incorporates mindfulness and cognitive behavioural techniques


• Simple instructions with build-in training module


• Guided exercise adapts to the users level of relief.

Well I don't know about all that but I had a little shot last night although at the time i was already completely relaxed. Basically there is a leaf blowing and you have to move it as you inhale and exhale. That was it! But weirdly I did find this extremely relaxing. As I was doing this messages of reassurance would appear on the screen. 'This will pass, your body is already beginning to relax', and other comforting statements.

It then asked me to rate my stress levels after the exercise. I hit the 'distress' button to see what happened next. it then showed a feather moving on the screen and i was to follow my breathing with the feather, matching my leaf with how the feather moved. Ok that might not make much scene, but i guess that the purpose of this exercise is to regain control of your breathing and also to distract your mind.

In all I was pretty impressed. I could see that it would help in someway and if anxious in future I will definitely give it a go. The only criticism would be that I would have liked some music in the background. Or even just some relaxing sounds like waves crashing or something but I would defo recommend it. A bargain at just over £1 (50c).

I Just Wanna Be... Happy

A friend of mine pointed out that Leona could be singing about agoraphobia and panic attacks in this song. Im sure youve heard lots of songs that you could relate to anxiety too. This one may be a little cheesy but it makes sense.