Lesson 1

(The car I am learning in)

This post shall be short and sweet. I am so tired. Speaking of which, has anyone tried Berroca? I think i need to give that a go, or a multi vitamin because I am just wiped out these days.

So this morning I had my first driving lesson at 9.30. I didn't sleep very well last night as it was playing on my mind. At 9.45 this morning my instructor called me and woke me up to tell me he was waiting outside for me. Oops! I had totally slept through my alarm. In a way this was a good thing. It meant i didn't have time to sit about thinking and getting myself nervous again. I literally had to get up and go.

I really enjoyed the lesson but it looks as though my plan to stay in my village isn't going to work. We drove around for an hour and then Alan, my instructor, told me my driving is completely fine. In order to advance and learn the harder points in driving I really need to go to a busier town. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand i completely agree with Alan. i felt comfortable today and also can see that i will be able to go further if i am the one in charge of the car. But on the other hand i expected to make this move after a few lessons, not just after one. Alan is coming back for me on Friday and that day he wants me to leave my town altogether and drive near where Gerry lives. In my head that just seems a little bit beyond me. It has taken me 6 months go get to where i am now but Alan thinks i should take the biggest jump ever within three days. i am not convinced really. I think it should be a natural progression i make on my own. Too tired to think about it at the moment. Will give it consideration over the next few days, but i can totally see it happening in the coming weeks which is very very exciting.

On returning home i was right back out in the car again. This time my own car. Again i loved it and seen a big improvement after just an hour with Alan helping me polish up on my old skills. I drove to the shops, drove my brother home. My head still finds all this new activity hard to process. The Lynn my brain knows, doesn't do these things. The Lynn in my heart does though and i am loving this new life of mine.

A wee bit independant

Ok i am not quite independent. Today I was taking care of car duties. Insurance, and a repair to be exact. I sorted the insurance out pretty quickly and am now fully covered. I then spent the afternoon on yell.com searching for somewhere that can supply car parts. I knew when I got the car that it needed a little repair done which apparently wouldn't cost me much money. So today i was ringing places to find out if they supply the part...and then calling garages to see how much they charge to fit it. Oh i felt so proud of myself doing a job to do with cars etc haha. Don't i need my dad or Gerry for that? Anyway i got on with it and swayed from feeling independent to feeling little a silly little girl as I asked 'Do you have this part thingimy for my red car'? Ha ha Ok i wasn't that bad but hey I got the job done and the car is booked in for repair on Saturday morning and then I plan on driving everyday.

One problem though is cash. Insurance, repairs, petrol OH MY! Living on Benefits is not easy. Plus I'm a smoker and cigarettes in the UK cost a small fortune( yeh yeh i will stop eventually), not to mention the fact i need to money to live on. So my head is a little cloudy at the moment and the main image before my eyes is pound signs (or lack of them) ughh.

The good news though. The exciting part... today I went out driving with my occupational therapist, Karen. We drove my usual route and then I added another few roads. I felt pretty good. But then i told her to take a long road as i was determined to seethe sign ' YOU ARE NOW LEAVING LINWOOD'. Sadly this sign didn't appear. I thought that maybe I had misjudged it and the sign would be further up the road than I was, but we turned at a round-a-bout and headed back the way. Soon i noticed it. 'WELCOME TO LINWOOD' . YEY!!! So today i left my town for the first time in 5 years... even if only for a few seconds. Very very happy.

Taking more Steps

I am sitting at the window looking at my little car. Awww she is so pretty. I was talking to an agoraphobic friend the other night and we got onto the subject of driving. We discussed me taking driving lessons. This always seemed completely beyond me. Ok, i can drive around my village a little but anything else is a little bit too much at the moment. To learn to drive here we go to another town and the final test route is also quite a bit away.

Talking to my friend I realised that I don't HAVE to go into the other town. Why cant I learn to drive here? Surely we can drive around here and I can learn all the usual maneuvers like reversing round corners, parking etc.

I decided that I would phone a few driving instructors, explain my situation and see what they have to say. If i found someone who sounded understanding then I would book them.

Firstly I had to arrange for my provisional licence to be sent out. I went to Spain when I was 19 and my purse was stolen, including my licence. I thought this would be a hassle but after 2 minutes on the phone I was told it will be posted out immediately. Then I called some instructors. I found a man named Archie, explained the way I am and he said it is totally ok. My area may not be ideal for learning to drive but it will do. He also said that hopefully as my confidence grows i will feel in control and will WANT to drive further because I enjoy it. This made me decide to choose him because that is exactly what I had in mind. So i am happy and proud of myself. Who knows how it will go but i am up for the challenge.

Lesson Booked for Tuesday at 12.30. Wish me luck!

Jade

Jade Goody died on Sunday. We all knew it was coming and some of us watched her final journey but wasn't it awful that she passed on Mother's Day leaving 2 beautiful sons behind. I always liked Jade. Yes, she had a big mouth and was very loud but she came from nothing and made a fantastic life for herself and her sons. I was very sad to hear of her passing.

For month now we have all known it was inevitable but i was still shocked. She is so young and we feel like we know her somehow. I write because Jade has inspired so many young women to go for smear tests and in the process she will, no doubt, have saved many lives. She has given me the push i needed to go get it done. I am now 28 and have only ever been checked once and I think i was about 17. I receive letters constantly telling me I am due for a test but I have never been able to get there. In the past my mother and I have fought to have a doctor or nurse come to the house and do it here. Unfortunately we were always told it wasn't possible. In the past this was available but the service has since stopped, the reason being that there isn't good enough lighting. Well i can provide a miners helmet or a torch lol. I just think that if the test is so important they should be able make some exceptions but obviously this isn't going to happen. Anyway... Thank you Jade. My thoughts are with her and her family and I will get my test done asap.

Feelings can be hard to explain

I wrote my last post pretty quickly as I felt it was time for a catch up but to be honest I thought it was a bit of a rubbish ramble. The car is good news, yes! Also for my first car i am extremely proud of it. It is old but when the sun is out and you take the top down it is quite impressive to me. I have been out washing and hoovering her. Making her look pretty, but driving it is still beyond me for now.

I say i am confused as this week I have been feeling a bit....hmmm.... flat?

I am doing well, this is true. But you know when you have agoraphobia you go out and do something new and you get that BUZZ! You feel so proud of yourself and your excited and buzzing and ready for the next challenge (well not at that point but soon you will try some more lol). This week though I have been keeping up my little tasks, walking to places I hadn't reached in years but the buzz has gone. I have noticed that when i achieve these things I don't get that BUZZ and its kind of disappointing. I know that feeling wouldn't last forever. Maybe I have taken the same routes so many times that it is no longer a big accomplishment?

After the panic attack I had when i was out the other day I was determined to walk to the shops again, to prove to myself that it hadn't put me off the way it would have done in the past. I have been there everyday now and I get no buzz. But then on top of this I have just felt a bit BLAH.

Perhaps it is hormones? I know some females say they can be more anxious at a certain time of the month (sorry guys), but it hasn't been anxiety just BLAH, boredom maybe!

I avoided talking about this in my last post as I didn't want anyone to think i am all down and depressed and on a downward slope. I am still very happy and positive but this weird thought comes into my mind. We live as agoraphobics and we dream of a better life. We dream of the day that we can get out there and live a life with no barriers, where we can do whatever we want, whenever we want. I think in our minds some of us may think that when we achieve this goal we will be completely happy. But what if we achieve all this and still feel a bit BLAH?

I think this feeling I am having is due to being a bit annoyed with myself. Although I stick to my routine everyday and never miss any of my tasks i am still not getting as far as I want to. I am still in my town. Still not at Gerry's house. But as the summer approaches I tell myself I will get out there in the sunshine and continue to fight..have some patience. Look how far you have come Lynn!... but BLAH!!!!

Am i making sense haha???

On Friday though I went and picked Luke up from school and the feeling passed. He smiled and i was happy again. I remember I am only 28, I have a fiance i adore, and hopefully I will have my own son or daughter in the next few years. There is much to look forward to, and if i fight hard enough then I have the world at my feet. My plan career wise is to get into Nursing. It may be a pipe dream at the moment but I have been told my so many people that I would be ideal for counselling or working in health care. It is good to have ambitions isn't it.

Today I was out all day in the sun. Walking and driving with Gerry and then he told me that I could drive us home. Well i drove in a straight line. Managed to stall the car twice, which i have NEVER done. He told me I drove worse than his granny and when I got out of the drivers seat i left the car in gear and it kangaroo jumped away from me. Is it possible that the more your practice the WORSE you can get lol

My New Car and other News

Feels like I haven't written in ages! Ive actually not been online very much which is why there has been a lack of blogging and 'twittering'.

Above is my new car and may i add, my first car. A friend of mine offered me it for free and I happily accepted. Its an older car as you can probably see but its shiny and convertible and mine mine mine! I do love it but there is a small set back... I don't actually have a driving licence. Perhaps i was a little hasty in taking up his offer but there was method to my madness. I have has quite a lot of driving lessons but unfortunately i was taking them around the time that I first started to suffer with panic attacks. Just as the time was approaching for me to sit my test I gave up the lessons all together. I often wonder if my life would have turned out differently if i had been able to drive, but my guess is that i would still have ended up agoraphobic anyway.

So with the new car i plan on getting back on the road. I will go out with my mum and get my confidence back up and hopefully ....eventually, be able to put in for my test. In the meantime i took the car for my mums benefit also. She past her test years ago and it gave her a fantastic life and she was often popping out here, there and everywhere. Then she got a new car which was an automatic. Unfortunately, after driving an automatic car for years she lost the confidence to drive a manual car. Now i think she has built it up so much in her own head that she gets very nervous at the thought of it. Now with the new car i am hoping she will get back out there and practice. I'm sure she will be out and about in no time.

I have been to the pub for the last 3 weekends in a row. I don't have much else to add about this. I suppose i should be proud and look at the comparison to my life a year ago... or even just at New Year. When I went to the pub at New Year i was quite uptight, but now when i go I am pretty calm. So this is good!

My walking is still going fantastically. I have walked to the shops regularly since i last post and I still cant believe some of the places I'm finding myself. Last week i got a bit of a scare though. While walking home from the shops i suddenly started to panic. It came out of the blue and caught me totally off guard. I was on the phone to my friend and suddenly felt really dizzy. I told myself to focus on her voice and just ignore these feelings but they got worse and i found myself thinking 'i am really far from home, it's going to take me at least 15 minutes to get back and i really don't like this'. I tried again to focus on my friends voice but as the anxiety hit me again I started to run. As I got closer to home it passed and instead of going home i took another route and continued my walk. It did scare me though. I have been back to the shops and have walked that way since. I wanted to be sure i didn't start avoiding it cause that is how the problems start isn't it. Anyway I have went walking everyday as per usual and tell myself that I will not let that hinder me. It is not always easy though.

I've been on more drive's, one with Gerry which resulted in ANOTHER fight ha, sometimes I feel like i am ready to take big leaps and other times I am not so confident but all i know is that i just have to keep on trying. Dentist tomorrow, Hairdresser Thursday, Kids at the weekend. Trying to keep busy but lately I feel completely exhausted. I am sleeping a lot but i could sleep so much more. Maybe I need vitamins??? Oh well I will go for now and Ill be back all upbeat and positive but right now i just need sleep. Hope you are all well x

The Boy In The Striped Pajamas

I have had a very relaxing night and decided to spend it reading my new book. 2 Hours later I have finished. 'The Boy In the Striped Pajamas' was excellent. At first I thought it was a children's book because of the way it is written but i quickly realised this was because it is a child telling the story.

On the back of the book it says 'Usually we give some clues about the book on the cover, but in this case we think that would spoil the reading of the book. We think it is important that you start to read without knowing what it is about'

So for that reason I wont say anything more about it, only that i recommend it... and don't go googling it to find out what its about either haha. I actually had an idea of the story before reading and I can see why NOT knowing would have perhaps been better. And now i am off to watch the movie lol. If you have already read it i am interested to hear your comments (though don't give the story away ha)