Jealousy

Thing's have been going well for me lately, so I guess it was only a matter of time before something went wrong. My boyfriend split up with his last girlfriend just over a year ago. She had been in touch and tried to cause us some problem's in the past but as time has passed I thought we had heard the last from her. Unfortunately that wasn't the case. For some reason, L i will call her, decided to search for me online. When she came across my profile she seen the photos I have of myself and Gerry and also the fact that it says we are engaged. Since finding this L has been texting and calling Gerry constantly. He has received shed loads of abuse and threats. Her latest threat came when she sent him a text showing that she has found my email address. L has decided that she is going to ruin our engagement and is threatening to email me things about Gerry. Thankfully I am not naive. I welcome the email and I welcome the chance to tell her that no matter what she has to say, she won't succeed in breaking us up. In the meantime we will just ignore her but we have said if she continues to get in touch we will contact the police as it is harassment. It is just a shame that these things happen but I think she has just gotten a shock to see that Gerry is getting married.

I mention this because today I haven't felt so great. I think it is just because the L situation has irritated me and to be honest It did cause a fight between Gerry and I. Tonight Angela popped round and she asked if I would drive to the shops with her and run in and get her a few pieces while she waited in the car. I said yes but this is the first time that I have been on the verge of panic. I got about half way and really wanted to turn back. I was arguing with myself telling myself to just ignore it and keep on going. I knew if I turned back it would make my next drive more difficult. Thankfully I made it to the shops and soon felt calm again. I got what she needed and then we drove home the long way. I feel happy that I went through with it and didn't turn back but it has also given me an idea. When out and about and you feel anxious, it can be very difficult to think straight so I am going to write some sentences on paper and keep them in my bag. For example, remember this is going to pass. You are doing what you want to be doing, work through it and that's more progress. You will be disappointed if you give into this, it is only a feeling etc etc. I thought of this because there have been times when I have been out and panicked and when thinking it over and home I have asked myself 'why didn't I think of that then'. 'Why didn't i tell myself that and I would have felt better' but sometimes your head is just too busy with the panic.

Now that I have come home I feel the most relaxed I have all day. I went out and was the most uncomfortable i have felt in a long time, but i fought it and I won.

Ramble

Hey, I don't have anything major to talk about today but I just felt like saying hello. The weather is miserable and I don't plan on going out today so I have some free time. Having said that, I am considering even a small walk round the block, just to keep up with the routine of going out, even if only for a few minutes.


It was a productive week I guess. I went to Boots, went to the local shops and bank quite a few times alone. I also went to my friend Laura's again and spent a few hours there completely relaxed. Also while at Laura's the Ice Cream van came into her street and without thinking, I asked what everyone wanted and set off to buy our treats. It was only when I was at the bottom of her street that I realised this was quite an achievement as in the past I felt anxious going to the ice cream van in my own street. But here I was in a new place, walking further, In the dark and on my own.


In an email I received this week someone said to me 'Have you ever tried to think of yourself as not being agoraphobic and trying things as a 'normal' person'? To be honest I have been trying to change my thinking recently into that of a non agoraphobic. I have been doing more and more 'normal' things and instead of immediately saying 'NO' to anything I am asked, i am now trying to say 'yes' or at least to TRY instead of just dismissing the idea. I certainly feel a lot less agoraphobic but there is still a mountain to climb.


Reading another blog recently I saw the writer show comparisons to what his wife can do this year that she couldn't do last year and vice versa so i will try to do the same.


In 2009 I can :

• Stay on my own all day and night, this is not so new although I used to feel anxious at the thought of a night with no one in the house.
• Walk to the edge of my safety zone and work on pushing myself further. Although I could manage this in the past, i don't think i was able to do this much in 2008.
• Go to the local shops, bank, chemist, chip shop. The shops i could do about a year ago but like with the walking this stopped. After fighting these last few months, I am able to do this again.
• I can go drives with anyone in any car. I don't have to rely on a 'safe' person. I feel comfortable while out driving and this is completely new. I hadn't been on drives in around 4 years.
• Walk at night. In the past i would make all my effort during the day but at night would feel OK that is enough for today' and I would happily spend the evening at home. Now i go walking at night and actually really enjoy it.
• I can visit other people's houses and sit for hours feeling completely fine. Obviously I was able to do this in the past but compared to last year, this is new. Also this is very enjoyable and I find myself wanting to stay out for longer and longer.
• I can go to the local pub. This never happened at all last year.
• I make plans for the future. I will be attending a christening, a communion and hopefully more events over the coming months. I never made plans in the past but immediately dismissed the idea with 'No I can't do that'
• The winter hasn't bothered me this year. Usually the dark nights and the cold weather depress me so much that I actually seriously thought I had SAD, but keeping busy through the past few months and not going into hibernation has made this little anxiety pass.

I Can't

• Travel very far. This is what I am working on and this year will see me focusing completely on pushing the boundaries. I would say this is my only major problem now. Anything else would seem quite small in comparison. The original problem causing the agoraphobia still exists. I haven't been able to walk or drive very far from my safe place,my home, for quite some time. BUT.... this WILL change (positive mental attitude lol)

So i would say this is progress. Obviously this year started ended well with my engagement and started well with my night out in the pub, so my circumstances have also changed. My Boyfriend is now getting his house prepared for the day that I will move in. I know this is a few months off, but for the first time in years i believe I could have a future in my own home. Not living with my parents, but in my own home with a partner I love. Wow how 'normal' of me. I see this is achievable now whereas in the past it would have only been a dream. I do feel it is a long way off and that I need to be realistic... more importantly, my Boyfriend needs to be realistic. But I hope that, if i focus, i could be living a new life in the Summer and this is very exciting!

I finished my homeopathic remedy this week. The women who gave me it said if i ever felt like trying it again i could get in touch but that hopefully I wouldn't feel the need. I guess I don't feel the need but there is a little worrying thought in my head wondering if this is what helped with my progress in the past few months. I will see how I get on over the coming weeks and If i feel i need a little lift i will contact her. I had moaned so much about not being allowed coffee while on the meds but now that they are finished I am going to stay off the coffee. I still miss it massively but if cutting it out has helped me become less anxious, I may as well just leave it.

I have nothing else to report really. I spent a nice week both at home, and out and about. While at home i do the usual, watching TV, reading etc but i something new. My nephews brought over guitar hero. Well..... I got hooked. Not only would I play this when they were here, but found myself 'rocking out' when on my own ha ha. Call me sad but you need to have a go, it's loads of fun. Bad news though, I have broken it! I have no idea how I manged it but the disk won't play anymore. I considered putting it back and pretending not to have touched it.... but I am not that bad ha ha Looks like i need to go shopping for a replacement. Don't know what I am more upset about, the fact that I have broke my nephews game or the fact that i cant play it anymore ha ha. Oh well it was nice chatting. Hope you are all well x

Shoppaholic

For quite some time I have been aware that i have a major addiction to shopping. I have recognised that when I am feeling down, I go and buy myself some goodies from various clothes shops online. I'm sure I'm not the only agoraphobic who has spent money on pointless purchases for example, many many pairs of boots! Where was I planning on wearing them back then, i have no idea, as I didn't go out ha. I also know another agoraphobic girl who would buy clothes for going clubbing even though she would rarely leave the house. When my addiction first begun i would buy clothes and never wear them telling myself... That's my good clothes, Ill keep that for a special occasion hahaha... what occasion?? Where was I planning on going?? Oh well it made me smile.

I mention this as today I took on another little challenge, a trip to the local chemist boots. The chemist has always been there but recently 'Boots' have bought it over so i decided I should go there and check out their make up and other goodies. I did actually need a new foundation so figured that this would be a nice little trip and since I was driving their with my friend Angela it seemed like a 'normal' girls day out. Well not a day out but a half hour lol.

Angela is the slowest person I know and is late for everything!! I relieved a text at 11 saying she was out of bed and would be over after her breakfast. At 4.30 Angela arrived! This meant I had spent the day sitting waiting instead being out walking and it also meant that I had too much time to sit around with my mind working overtime. However we drove to the chemist which isn't far and my nerves were all over the place. I felt very wobbly and not as calm as I have been lately but I put this down to hormones and the fact i had been 'thinking' about it too much.

Well thank goodness I had money in my purse because I went to town! Make up...I'll have that. Face Cream... I'll have that, Hair Clips... I'll have those. As the nerves passed the excitement took over. Well to be fair I usually only get my hair products etc at the local shop and they don't exactly have variety so it was fun to choose something a little more luxurious. That's my excuse. The bill made my eyes pop but didn't stop me from buying the pictured bag at the counter on my way out. I needed something to put my goodies in OBVIOUSLY!

We drove a longer route home with me feeling quite pleased. I know I am still doing quite well but there are plenty of things I still struggle with and my lovely fiance has made his feelings known that things aren't progressing quickly enough for him, give me a break!

Oh and today I received an email asking permission for an excerpt from my blog to be published. It will appear in a psychology text book for A Level Students. The post being printed is one of my diary entries from just before Christmas and the question put to the students is - How does Lynn's account tie in with what you know about agoraphobia? So i found this quite exciting and after granting permission I was told I would receive my complimentary book in May.

My dentist appointment is on the 21st January. Yikes!!!

Making Plans

I have got the New Year off to a good start by attending the party. The next night i hopped into the car and drove with Gerry to my brothers for dinner. I was a little anxious as we had thick fog, but as the drive takes only 5 minutes i was soon indoors again. We had a lovely dinner and it was great to spend time with my brother, his girlfriend and my nephews in a different environment. Again, it has messed with my head a little that it was so easy and that I was so comfortable. I try not to think about this too much though as i imagine that's where the negative thoughts could kick in. So i am trying to just enjoy these new experiences. We were there for a couple of hours and i honestly could have stayed longer but we headed home for a night with a DVD. Also in the past week i have been to the shops twice on my own. This is something i could do about a year ago but i want it to become very regular again. I had to wait in large queues both times and although I wasn't exactly comfortable, i coped OK.

I don't know what I will be doing from day to day or what challenges i want to face next but all i know is that i am up for at least attempting things which, as you know, is not like me. The one thing I REALLY want to do is make an appointment at the dentist. I never thought for a second I would be doing this. My teeth are a mess! I know i must need at least 6 removed and a lot of cosmetic work done too. To be honest the cosmetic work is my priority at the moment. I have a hole behind my front tooth which has left the tooth looking discoloured. I have been living with it for years but it looks like the tooth is about to give up the fight and crumble. I can't believe that i may once again be able to smile with confidence! I know i can drive to the dentist as it is within my comfort zone, but i think i will struggle with the process once i get out of the car. The waiting room, the dentist chair, the dentist.... this is all new and may be a bit too much. And on top of that I will have to sit there for about half an hour and let them do the work!!! It seems very hard to imagine that i would be able to do this but also i know that if i do, I will feel totally fantastic. I know that if i wanted to i could get medication for this. I have been offered Valium/Xanax in the past when attending the dentist but i don't really want to go down that road. However i am actually just impressed with the fact that I am even considering this! How things change. I called the dentist to make the appointment today but it was closed so i will be calling them on Monday. I will let you know how it goes.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE

I made it to my first New Year night out in 3 years!! The last 2 have been spent at home so this was a nice change. I was very nervous about the whole thing but determind to at least try it. We got there at 11.00 and to be honest i didnt feel that great at first but thankfully it passed. I had a good night with basically no anxiety and got home in once piece. Happy New Year Everyone. Lets all have a good one x

Christmas Round Up

Phew it has been a busy week! Obviously i couldn't wait to post and announce my engagement but I thought I would let you know about my Christmas in general. Firstly though i want to say thank you for all the messages of congratulations. It really made me smile and I love to hear from you. It is nice to know i am not talking to myself but to be honest i wonder how you all put up with me because when i read previous posts, i don't half ramble ha ha.

It has been a bit hectic, as will be the case for most of you i would imagine. For the first year ever i had been very well prepared and had been buying gifts since October! So on that front, things had been stress free. On Christmas Eve i spent the day wrapping all my gifts and planned a nice relaxing Christmas Eve with Gerry. Unfortunately Gerry was working on the actual day so we began our celebrations early. I think the plan was that he would propose to me at midnight but for whatever reason he couldn't wait the extra hour. We watched the 'Gavin & Stacey Christmas Special' and then headed out for a walk. As i said in my previous post, i thought Gerry just needed to clear his head from all the wine he had been drinking but he had other plans. In the summer Gerry had taken me a walk and produced a ring. At the time i had thought he was going to propose and although I hadn't been seeing him that long, I had thought he was about to pop the question. He gave me a ring that day, but not an engagement ring. It was an eternity ring (don't you buy those when you have been married for years?). Gerry actually only gave me an eternity ring as he liked the style but anyway.... This time he took me to the same spot and asked the question. Not down on one knee! Shame on him ha ha. OK i should give him a break as he was obviously nervous but he didn't get down on one knee he just stood there and blurted out 'Will you marry me' and obviously i said...emmm OK then ha ha. A pair of romantics eh.

Home we went and Gerry was faced with a mammoth pile of gifts to wade through. My gift was my ring and some new boots but a good hour was spent watching him opening his. Christmas morning he left for work and I spent the day at home with the family. Mum, Dad, Grandad and 2 of my nephews, with other visitors coming and going. Gerry came back home after his work and we basically chilled in front of the TV. It was a good day although slightly uneventful. What was I expecting? I don't know, but there is a whole build up for nothing really isn't there?

My head is still in holiday mode at the moment. Thing's have been so busy that it has messed up my usual routine or getting up, going walking, keeping my diary, listening to Paul McKenna etc, but I know i will get back into it. As the new year approaches i am sure i am not the only one thinking 'this year i will beat this'. I know i have been saying that to myself for the last 5 years lol. This time i have more determination though and also i feel i have a head start due to the last few months work i have been doing.

Now that I am engaged Gerry's talk has obviously moved to 'when will you be moving in with me'. This has always been the plan but now it seems more 'real' and I feel i really need to get my act together. I suppose it is pressure but then like i said, i always knew it was heading this way. He arrived yesterday talking about cupboard space in his home and needing to build me a wardrobe (have you seen Sex in the City? It reminds me of Big building a wardrobe for Carrie, although I'm sure mine won't be so grand, but hey I don't have 1000 pairs of shoes to take with me). So with this future in mind Gerry decided it was time for another drive. I was a little apprehensive as i haven't been sticking to the routine of getting out but i went nonetheless. We drove the usual route a few times adding a couple of new roads. I had also decided that when I am out in the car i would like to drive and stop somewhere and just sit for a while. It seems we drive in circles and we always stop when we get home. I want to practice stopping away from my safety zone and just sitting there for a while. Also i want to practice getting out of the car in lots of different places and walking away from the car, so this is what i did last night. I also parked up outside the local pub and took a walk in on my own. The only reason i did this is because we may be going there for New Year and i wanted to have a little practice run. I was fine! Finally my friend Laura called to say she was home and so we drove round there. This time i was determined to keep and even head and not be high as a kite. This time instead of running around Laura's house like a whirlwind and running back to the car again, we stayed for an hour or possibly longer. I sat with her daughter Neve and her son Korrie and we chatted away. It was her first time meeting Gerry too and they got on great. The above picture is Neve and I. I really get carried away with taking pictures when I am out. I get all excited and need proof as if to say 'Wow look at me, look where i am and i am fine'!! So i had a brilliant night and was really proud of myself and going through this with Gerry does make me feel closer to him. He has been a great support recently and I can only hope he stays this way and doesn't run out of patience. I hope everyone had a great Christmas and I will be back to report on the new year.

Oh one last point. I know i have mentioned before that I don't like to take medications and that i think this is a control thing but this also applies to alcohol. I used to drink a reasonable amount on a night out and in fact I like being drunk! It does make me relax and i do get merry and have a laugh but these days i struggle with the control side of things. The last time i was drunk was May 2007! and I don't know when it was before that. My friend had turned up with vodka that night and although I really didn't want to drink i somehow ended up joining in and having a great night. I know the first reason i stopped drinking was because i ALWAYS had a panic attack the next day. I cut my drinking down so that once at the nice merry stage i would move onto water, this stopped me panicking the next day but eventually i stopped all together (very much like how i stopped going out). Now though i would like to have a drink at new year. I just don't know if i will manage it though. Can i relax enough to just enjoy a drink and allow myself to get Merry. Or will i constantly be thinking 'What if i lose control, What if i panic while drunk and cant calm myself'. With all the negative thoughts i have it is really no wonder I have ended up with anxiety issues. Even as i write this i am thinking 'give yourself a break Lynn'! Anyway, we shall see how it goes. I am optimistic though, i think we are in for a good night.

Decent Proposal

My boyfriend popped the question at midnight on Christmas Eve. So now i have a FIANCE which just sounds so funny but i am absolutly delighted. He took me a walk which i thought was to clear his head after too many glasses of wine, but it turns out the wine was to help with his nerves. Above is my ring, i think he chose well.