Sunday, 25 May 2008

Superheroes keeping me happy

It's been a while since i have wrote but i guess i've not had that much to talk about. I've been doing ok really. Not made any great progress but managing to maintain the progress i had made over the last few weeks. I am still going out everyday, even if i am only sitting in the garden. I feel i have been really busy lately which is bizarre. I have had the kids a lot so obviously they keep me on my toes. I am a moderator on a travel website and i have been seeling a lot of skin care products on Ebay for my friends shop. So all of combined has kept me very busy and very tired. This is a good thing of course as otherwise i would probably be sitting around over thinking things, and thats never a good idea.

I have been out walking more though. My friend Alison and i said we would try walking once a week and take it further each time. So i have managed a decent walk so far... further than i have been going lately and hopefully next time i see her i will go further again. Alison is the women who will be doing EMDR with me. She has completed the first part of her training but he tutor told her not to work with me untill she has completed the advanced part of her course haha. Makes sense!

As i mentioned i have had the kids alot. Only Luke but he has found himself a little friend called Lee who has attatched himself to my leg and doesnt leave me alone. He is a wee cutey but so full of life it is exhausting! This picture was taken on Friday night when they decided to be superheroes and 'protect the city'. It was a fun night. Things with Luke have been tough though. I have spoken in previous posts about him having Spina Bifida. He has no feeling in his legs from the knee down. As he is getting older it is getting much harder for me to deal with. My heart breaks for him as he is getting very frustrated with things. Like yesterday for example i took him out on his bike. His feet need to be strapped into special pedals but the bike itself doesnt go very fast. Lee wanted to race which meant Luke was always last. He ended up getting upset and punching the bike and driving it into walls. Its so hard to watch but what can you do?

While we were out with the bike the boys decided they wanted to go to the shops and get sweets. Well this can be a challange for me at the best of times but with 2 kids in tow i didnt think i would cope. I didnt say anything to them but headed towards the shops and hoped for the best. I got really close but the little thoughts in my head took over.. what if i panic when im with the kids? Will i freak out in front of them? What if i can't get home quick enough? How will i cope with Luke? He cant walk so id need to carry him. He weighs a ton.. then id have to unstrap him from his bike and restrap him in etc etc. So the thoughts won. I did try twice but Lee was constantly telling me to hurry and i guess i was under too much pressure haha. I took the boys home as Luke was exhausted from the bike ride. When they were settled in the garden with my mum i grabbed my mp3 player and got back on my bike. I headed to the shops again just for me this time. I got metres away. I could see the shops but i just couldnt face getting off my bike, going to the ATM, waiting in queues etc so i turned back. For a while i was overcome with frustration and had to sit and chill out. Looking at it now i know i stil did well. Anytime i have been going to the shops recently i have had someone with me so i have felt more able to push myself. Maybe i wasnt strong enough yesterday to attempt it alone? But that wont always be the case. Plus i still TRIED! I wont beat myself up about it.

Then there is Chris. Things are still going great and i am very happy. However, its not summer and i told him that in the summer i would do more with him and that i would eventualy move in. A couple of times he has commented that he hasnt seen any progress. He knows i am doing more everyday but he is working then and doesnt get to see that for himself. It is his birthday on the 15th of June and i have been buying gifts hoping to make it a nice day for him. Now though he has said the gift he would like is for me to book a table somewhere nice and for us to go for a meal. I know he would never pressure me and if i dont book it he will be fine with that. In fact let me be realistic here... i wont be booking it lol. I will get us take out no doubt but i will set the table and light candles haha. But seriously the worries are there again that he is gonna get bored of me soon. Hes has been so patient with me but it must be hard for him. He has taken a few days off work at the end of the month and thats when we are gonna attempt doing somethings, mostly just driving together though. It will be interesting to see how that goes.

I havent seen the therapist again but we are going to arrange a date. Last time i spoke to him he was gonna check his diary. The nurses who came to visit me having got back to me to let me know what will be happening with them. Probably CBT i would imagine.

So as i said its been busy busy with one thing or another. No major panic attacks, the anxiety has been pretty much gone too. I do have my wobbily moments but i guess i can live with those. My diet is still going relitively well. I have gone from a size 14 to almost a size 10. I have actually ordered a pair of size 10 jeans which will arrive this week so i am hoping i can get into them. It would feel totaly amazing if i did. If i don't though it will give me something to aim for... and then i will stop. I'm pretty tall at 5'9'' (and a half ha) so any thinner i think i would look silly. I dont want to look like a lolly pop! I hope everyone else is doing ok and if not just remember that 'this too shall pass'. Things can only get better is what i tell myself.

Sunday, 11 May 2008


Ok i just received an apology from the person who sent me the email i discussed in the previous posts. This may sound a bit bizarre but i was wondering if the sender could email me again but not anonymously. Id like to talk and i cant reply to anonymous emails.


Friday, 9 May 2008

Summer is here!

It has been a hot week! I have loved every minute of the good weather spending all of my time in the garden. Along with being outside all day i decided i should push myself further again. I have gone a walk everyday. The book i recommended has really helped to change my thinking on these walks.

Yesterday i made it back to the shops again, i had made this trip before but yesterday i was suprised how calm i was. So today i went back and i'm feeling great. I do have a new confidence and i am hopeful this will stay. I have also went walking with friends and am planning a long walk this weekend with Chris. I am just slowly trying to build on my progress i guess.

On top of this i have managed to sort out my routine. I had completely turned night into day but suddenly im back to normal. I am struggling to keep awake after midnight and im waking every morning before 9. This means i can make more of an effort to actually DO things with my day. Long may it last.

I want to thank everyone who either commented or emailed regarding my 'hate mail' haha. I appreciated what you all had to say and it was nice to hear from people i didnt even know read my blog! It always amazes me the amount of people who seem to get help from reading this. I always knew that i would get some form of abuse about the blog. Like Chris said to me, If you put yourself out there you've got to expect it. Unfortunalty as much as the internet is a great place for people like us, i guess it can only be accepted that there will be 1 or 2 bad eggs.

I would like to clear one more thing up. This person seems convinced that the therapist i am seeing now is the same one i seen in the past. I would like to say again that this is not true. They say i 'slagged' this person off and yes i guess this part is true. The man i mentioned charged me a lot of money, seen me a few times then vanished. I also spoke to several people who had also used him and had the same experience. It was sad really, upsetting and more than anything it made me really angry. I don't want people being conned like i was. Especially when it costs such a huge amount. This man tells people they can be cured in ONE session. It was brought to a head when a friend i met because of this blog told me she too had seen him. So yes i complained. And i had EVERY reason to. It is soul destroying to meet someone who will promise you the world and then gives you nothing. When i wasnt 'cured' i felt like i was weird. How come it wasnt working for me? Am i beyond help. And speaking to the other people who had the same experience i realised that they too had been extremely depressed after their session didn't work.

Yes the therapist i am seeing now is one from the past. He is one who helped me but due to circumstances at the time our appointments stopped. I have seen MANY therapists in my 7 years with agoraphobia, anxiety and panic attacks. I have seen people who do EFT, TFT, NLP, CBT, Hypnosis, Meditation, Life coaching etc etc. I dont know any therapist who offers every one of these services in a package. You get to learn who you can trust and who you cannot but the most important thing is to find a therapist that you have faith in. I guess i can handle emails about anything, my looks, my personality, my opinions.. people can slag off any of these things but i dont like to be called a liar.

Thankfully though the emails don't dampen my mood. Things are going fantastically well. I am feeling happier than before and this makes me more confident. More up for a challange. So i really think after such a busy week i can only to progess as we go into the summer months. I know from personal experience that with the good times, the bad can follow. We can make huge leaps then suddenly be scared to cross the door again. I am not niave and i know this could happen again but i always remain positive and that those bad times always pass and we always come out the other end. I also feel that when those times come, If they do.. that i will be able to cope with them better with my new way of thinking. Fingers Crossed. Once again, i hope everyone is well and thanks for your emails and comments. x

Wednesday, 7 May 2008

My E Mail

I just recieved this email. At first i chose to ignore it but then i decided to let people see it as i found it quite amusing.

'Coupla things about your blog - you seem to really fancy yourself, lots of high resolution images of your "gorgeous" self for the boys to download and look at, especially the one where your showing your fanny, with your poor innocent nephews. Come on - stop being such a fucking slut. No-one cares. Another thing - your English is really bad and as for no-one emailing you now - well DUH! People aren't interested in your daily life, dear. They are far too into their own lives to pay too much attention to yours, no matter how out of the ordinary and eenteresting you think it is. And, now you're desperate for email friends, makes you wish you hadn't ignored those people, doesn't it? Beggars can't be choosers, Lynn. And you went to see the guy you already slagged off on your blog? Yeah, you're nice...what do think he would say if he knew'?

  1. I am searching and searching for a picture where i am showing my 'fanny' but can't seem to find one.
  2. I never claimed to have fantastic spelling, or to write well, but how can this person say my english is terrible and then use words such as 'eenteresting' and 'coupla'?
  3. I don't love myself. I put the pictures on as the blog is about me and those are recent pictures OF me.
  4. The therapist who i 'slagged off' in the past is a completely different person to the one i am seeing now.
  5. I am not desperate for new Email friends.
  6. I have never ignored a single email from anyone who has contacted me regarding my blog.
  7. This person says that no one care what i am doing on a daily basis but he or she has obviously read a previous post i made WEEKS ago regarding an old therapist to make the comment above. This person will also know that i have seen a new therapist. Looks like someone has been reading what i have been doing day to day... strange.
  8. I never claimed to be out of the ordinary or interesting, i never thought anyone would want to read about my daily life, im sure it would be very dull to hear what time i got up, what i ate for breakfast or what programs i watched on tv. But some people DO want to hear from someone who suffers from the same problems that they do and if they find comfort in reading my blog then i am delighted with that.
  9. The sender decided to keep their email address anonymous. Coward anyone?

Usually i would tell people to rise above these kind of insults but i just wanted to get a few things straight. I hope i have and rest assured if i recieve an email from the same sender they will be ignored in future.

This blog is meant to give a personal account of how i deal with my problems. If i have ever upset or offended anyone then i apologise. But the only advice i can give to the person who wrote this mail is very simple... If you dont like me or my blog, then don't read it.

Tuesday, 6 May 2008

Therapy Success

Ok so i last wrote to say my therpist was coming on Thursday. The session went well. I think i mentioned that i already knew this therapist and had seen him before, but since then his skills have improved. He now offers verious different types of therpy. In saying that.. im not sure what he done with me.

We didn't have to spend the session going over my history as we have already covered all that. But it was quickly established that EVERYTHING i do is caused by the way i think. Obviously i knew in the past that i had negative thoughts, but untill i really paid attention i didn't realise how MANY i have on a daily basis. I was then given a copy of the book above and given a few exercises to do all focusing on the way i think.

It's hard to explain really but it sounds so simple. I have to sit for 20 minutes a day and just think. I've to let the thoughts flow into my head and if any of them are negative (which they will be) i have to make them disappear. Ignore them. In the past i have probably dwelled on these thoughts, which leads to feelings of unhappiness or frustration. Now, however, i make them go away. It sounds so simple that most people will think, thats stupid, that wont work (a perfect example of negative thinking). But i can honestly say that since i started to pay attention to my thoughts.. and ignore the negatives, i have been feeling much better. I KNOW that i cause my panic attacks myself. I KNOW that its over thinking that brings them on. So now im ignoring it all. I know it wont always be that easy, i can't just dismiss thoughts and suddenly be cured. But i have been feeling happy, confident and im even sleeping better than i have been.

I dont think im the best with words so really i can only recommend the book. Here is the link to the book on Amazon

Ok so im not running out of the door cured of all fears and phobias but i FEEL better in myself and i think thats a great start to tackling the bigger issues.
The other thing the therapist done was far more bizarre. It was the first time i had experienced anything like this but maybe you will have tried this before. It was all about energy. He took away my negative energy and then gave me healing energy. Ok it sounds crazy. To give me the healing energy he held his hands over my stomach and although he wasnt touching me i could feel it. I felt a warmth and a tingling sensation. A few times i felt pressure and had to open my eyes to make sure he wasnt touching me. Did this work? Well i felt something, but i cant say if it worked or not. I would say i feel better mainly due to the lesson on my thoughts and the book i was given.

Also he told me he thinks i have SAD. This would obviously explain why i seem to go into hibernation in the winter months. I always had a feeling i had it, but was wary in using it as an excuse. Now though i have bought some Day light bulbs. I wont need them for a few months as the weather here is finally beautiful but it will be interesting to see if they work.
On Friday morning i woke up with a visit from 2 local nurses. We went through my history and they are going to find a way to help me, for example, a nurse to do CBT with me or someone who can do graded exposure. I should hear back from them in the next few weeks to see what they recommend. Another step in the right direction.

The weekend was spent with my 3 nephews, so it was a busy one. And today i woke up to amazing sunny weather. So i should have gone walking, but instead i lay in the garden for 4 hours. I now have a great tan but the most horrible white marks where my bikini was. It's to be hot all week and since the weather in Scotland is usually awful, i intend to make the most of it. Lots more sunbathing and getting back into walking to the shops on a daily basis. I have to call the therapist tomorrow and report back on how i have been feeling, and hopefully we can get another session booked.

I hope everyone is well. When i firsts started this blog i got so many emails but its gone quiet. I wonder, am i talking to myself.... have i bored everyone with my going on and on?? haha. I hope if there are people reading that these posts can give you a little hope at least. I really do think this is something everyone can overcome.