The hunt for cigarettes

Today has been a productive one and i am feeling very pleased with myself.

A typical day lately has involved me waking up, grabbing breakfast then lying in bed on the internet all day. As i wrote in my last post this was starting to get to me and getting out seemed to be a worrying thought (more so that usual)

But today was different. I slept so much yesterday that today i literally couldnt sleep anymore. So i woke up bright and early to an empty house and got myself dressed. Cleaned the house from top to bottom and decided to sit in the garden. For once it was a lovely sunny day so i was happy getting some fresh air. Unfortunately i had ran out of cigarettes. I know, i know smoking is bad for you blah blah but at the moment thats the least of my worries.

Anyway i was sitting thinking of all the ways i could get some cigarettes. I could phone a neighbour, i could phone a cab and get them to bring me some (it has been known in the past). Eventually i called a neighbour who is my mums best friend. She said she had some spare so i walked over to her house and got them... felt quite pleased with myself about that. When i was there she told me that she planned to go to the shops at 2.00 and wondered if i would walk with her. To be honest i couldnt see this happening but i said i would give it a go.

So back in the garden i was still thinking about cigarettes and remembered that their is an ice cream van that goes to the local school at lunchtime. Since the vans in scotland sell cigarettes i decided to attempt to walk there and see if i could get them this way. The school is much closer than the shops so this was the easier option. I went to the van surrounded by kids and felt fine. But was told they dont sell cigarettes!! Argh annoying!!

It was approching 2.00 and my neighbour Jean arrived. Jean broke her wrist 2 weeks ago and has her arm in plaster so this was her first attempt at walking along to our local shops for some bits and pieces she needed. I told her i would TRY and make it... but it might not happen.

So we walked and talked... and the shops were getting closer. A couple of time i had negative thoughts. Visualised myself panicking etc. But i kept on going and chatting and distracting myself. Jean likes to talk and a couple of times we stopped to chat to passers by. I wanted to tell her to move her arse but i waited patiently. Then i was at the shops!! YEY ME!!!

Since Jeans wrist is broken i suddenly became her carer. I went to the cash machine and lifted the money she needed. I got her the grocerys she was after, and paid for them while she stood chatting again. I got myself some things i needed, you know essentials like magazines and finally the cigarettes hah. Having everything we needed we could have left.. but oh no i decided to go into a little shop that sells used books and other bits. Got myself some books and a little present for Jean. Then we walked home. Once we got to my house Jean said her goodbyes but i was still in carer mode and decided to walk her home. I got her home safely and sorted her bags in her kitchen then walked home slowley alone.

How happy am i???? VERY

I knew when the better weather came i would make improvemnts and today has given me the little boost i needed. Also at home ive generally been coping better with anxiety. I havent actually been anxious much at all. I get very paranoid about my breathing at times and sometimes i cant take a full breath. In the past this would have me panicking, even hyperventalating. But im fine with it now. Also Lukes back in hospital (nothing serious thank goodness) so my parents have been away a lot, including at night. But i have been cool with it. Ive always been fine alone but not so comfortable at night, thankfully this has gotten easier and i am quite content having the place to myself.

So there you go... Good positive news!!! Jean and i are going to walk to the shops together everyday. She needs the support since shes working with one hand, and i like to have someone there to give me a push sometimes. So its all worked out well :) xxx