Tuesday, 12 February 2008

Flashback


I have heard that people can sometimes have suppressed memories that will come back to them during different therapies such as hypnotherapy. These memorys could have been in their subconcious and they had totally forgotten about them untill that time. It could be something that had upset them and some people say that by remembering whatever it may be can help them in their recovery.

The other night i was talking with a friend and 4 memories came back to me out of the blue. It was very strange. When it happened i actually felt really light and quite shakey. I wouldn't say these were huge events in my life but they showed me that i was having anxious thoughts way back when i was around 13-14 and i had never known this before. I had completely forgotten these things happened! The memories were...

  1. Having tickets to see my favourtie band twice. Each concert was quite far away. I remember feeling really uneasy about going. In the end i sold my tickets and felt total relief that i had got out of the situation. (Obviously i used avoidance before i could even recognise what i was doing)
  2. The next memory was actually being at a concert which was quite far away. When the gig was over i began to head home when i realised we had missed the last train. I panicked. I felt that i needed to be home asap. The people i was with wanted to stay there all night and catch the first train home in the morning but that wasnt an option for me. I INSISTED on getting a taxi even though the fare would cost us a small fortune. My friends weren't impressed but once in the cab i was happy and relieved.
  3. Another one was when i went to the cinema with my boyfriend. After the movie ended we went to catch a bus home. The bus wasn't coming quick enough for me. Again i was engulfed with the feeling that i needed to get home as quickly as possible. Instead of waiting i ran to a call box and phoned for a taxi. Nothing could happen fast enough for me.
  4. Finally was when i went out with friends to a village next to mine. I was in good spirits but when arriving in the village i realised i really didn't want to be there. I felt that urgent sense of 'get me home' again. I called 3 different taxi companies and just prayed someone would get to me within the next few minutes. When i got in the taxi i was happy and actually a little hyper because i was on my way home. I was safe.

I have no idea why these memories came back like they did. I have no idea why i had completely forgotten about them till now. But mostly i was just really shocked! I never questioned my behaviour back then. I didn't wonder why i wanted to go home or why i felt so uneasy. I just bailed out of the situation and then felt better. But yes it shocked me when i realised that all this happened when i was about 13-14 so the signs were there. My anxiety and panic attacks didn't properly start till i was 19 but i can now see it has always been there, lurking in the background.

I don't know if these suppressed memories coming back will help me in some way? I suppose it can only do me good and help me to understand myself more. I felt like i wanted to share this though, maybe some of you have had a similar experience?

3 comments:

Tashi said...

Yeah, your recollections gave me flashbacks today. I remember going to parties when I was in my teens. I would typically "make an appearance", then disappear ... go for a walk around the block or something ... which turned into a walk around several blocks ... then just walking home. I continued to do this in my 20's ... I must have left a lot unopened wine at peoples' houses over the years ...

Coffeecup said...

Hiya Lynn, I've just found your blog. So much of what you experience is the same with me. Eight years of panic. Urgh! Ditto! Going to start at the beginning and catch up with everything. Really interested to learn you've enrolled in the OU. Perhaps you have some advice about taking this step, like funding it for starters? Yikes! It's a fantastic thing that you're going to do this.

Those flashbacks might have been triggered by something your friend said, or deja-vu maybe? They all seem like similar situations so it figures if you thought of one they were all coming after each other. Have you heard of EMDR treatment? Cos the way those memories came out of the blue in succession like that happened to me when I had a session of this sort of therapy. Spooky! I think the seeds of anxiety are sown way back in the past, and it's kinda there in the background waiting for something to set it going. I did panic a lot age 12-13, then it disappeared completely until I was 26, and it's been stuck with me since. I guess it's already with us and we have to unlearn it somehow.

Excellent blog by the way, looks like you've got lots of good advice and experiences to share. Kindest wishes, Steph :-)

The Monkeyman said...

I just saw your blog as a result of nosing around someone elses, and thought I would say something about this post.

I have noticed looking way into my pass that elements of anxiety and panic were there a long time before they had the modern manifestation you get as an adult. It's quite strange to think how resilient you were back then, and how you could have a panic and be back to normal the next day like nothing had happened. Thank God they didn't get the better of me during my school days and I ended up getting my gcse's and a-levels.

Alex