Have I Done Something Wrong?

Guess who is unwell again? Yes, it's me!

Seriously this is just getting ridiculous now ha. For the last 3 days I have had the cold but I would rather describe it as the flu! I'm sure its actually the flu!

I have stayed in bed most of the time but obviously each day I've gone out just to keep on top of things. I haven't been sleeping very well, and when I do, I wake up soaked with sweat. At least my body is fighting it.

Oh well, its not got me down or anything, but since I am in bed resting up I figured I would write a little post 'cough cough'.

The reporter who wants my story has been in touch a couple of times and she HAS interviewed me. But my decision wont be made until she reads me her story. I sense that she is trying to go in the direction of 'meeting Gerry made me better' and i wont be agreeing with that because it isn't true and it would misguide any agoraphobics reading the article. Are they going to start looking for love so that they can be cured? That's not what happened to me, so I will see what she comes back with. I did write about the article in the comments of my last post and what would make me want to go ahead with it.

Firstly, there are agoraphobics out there who don't have access to the Internet and who might stumble across the article and find some relief. To discover they are not alone and to see that change is possible. Secondly, They HAVE offered me money for the story. To be honest this is something i would NEVER have agreed to but I have debt! The money would take care of this debt and would mean that I could move into my new home debt free. Many people are encouraging me to go ahead with the article but somehow a part of me cant help feel like a sell out and if i really think about it, i don't want to do the article. I should mention that the money i owe... i owe to my mother, and I cant bear it. I want her taken care of so that she no longer has to worry. Also the coward of me thinks negatively. I live in small village where a lot of people know me, but to them I appear 'normal'. They have no idea of my story. I am sure many people would think my story is interesting, they might even sympathise that Ive had a tough time, but what about the small minded people who could see it? What if i get people whispering or even shouting 'weirdo' at me in the street. Yeh I am probably over thinking things a great deal. Chances are the article will appear in some little obscure magazine that no one from here will see, but you never know do you. Also Jason hit the nail on the head when he said he isnt defined my his agoraphobia and that is exactly how I feel. Yes it has been a big part of my life but there is so much more to me than that. So do i really want that label attached to me. Even writing this now I wonder if this is really worth all the hassle?? Its not at all... but then there is mum.

Having being stuck in bed for a few days I have had time to think about the past few years and I remembered how i felt when this all happened, or when I was having a particularly anxious time. Has anyone else ever wondered 'Have I done something wrong to deserve this'? What goes around comes around is what people say. Karma and all that. I used to wonder if this phobia was punishment for being a horrible selfish child. Or was it happening because I had lied before. Or cheated on a boyfriend when I was younger? I tried to turn this idea into a positive and say that this is happening for my future. This horrible affliction is actually making me a stronger, more empathetic person. And hopefully in time it will have equipped me with the tools to help other people in need, maybe that's why it happened? Just wondering.

Oh and the clocks changing. Does this only happen in the UK? Does anyone else dislike it? I know with anxiety people can dislike change... not being in control. I think it messes my routine. Its actually ridiculous but i take my medication every day at 2.00 on the dot. So the clock changing means i have to rethink this. Do i take it a 1 (since the clock went back an hour). or do i stick to 2.00, which means it is actually 3.00. Confusing? Its a total pain! I now take my meds at 1.30 haha. More to the point the clocks going back means that it gets dark earlier now. Darkness in Scotland seems to set in about 4.30 now. Great huh! I miss the sun!!!

Well i guess Ill be off again. Im reading 'The time travellers wife' and enjoying it so much. Usually i race through books in a couple of sittings but I am actually trying to take my time with this since i am enjoying the story. Hope you are all well.

House Hunting and Gordon Ramsay

Hello Blogland! I feel my blogging is seriously lacking at the moment so once again it is time for a catch up. How are you all getting on? I hope you are well and anxiety free.

I have been doing ok I suppose. Considering it has been quite a stressful few months I am just relieved that I have still been going out everyday. Even if it's only a short drive or a walk I still make sure I leave the house. I have noticed though that I have just been maintaining the progress I have made. I still go to the gym, visit friends, go to the shops and things like that, but I haven't actually been pushing the boundaries. The one way I always got to push those limits was on my driving lessons and due to everything that has been happening I still haven't booked those! (Always procrastinating but I WILL sort it out).

It was Gerry's birthday and I decided that I would book us a table in a restaurant which we have both been dying to try. It isn't actually that far away really, but it would still be a bit of a challenge as I haven't really ventured massively out of my comfort zone in a while. For weeks I had known about it but it never worried me at all. I was confident that on the day of the meal I would just get in the car and go. But then on the day before the meal Gerry surprised me by suggesting that we give it a trial run to the restaurant. Well this didn't go down to well. Obviously Gerry just thought he was being helpful but I wasn't happy at all. To have it sprung on me like that, I suddenly felt like I couldn't do it. The drive seemed way too difficult. I don't actually know how to explain this....

I have found that making a plan in advance can be a good thing. I knew about the meal and I was mentally prepared to take that trip when the day came. I wanted to go, so obviously when you WANT to do something, it doesn't seem as difficult. But on the other hand when you want something very much, it becomes a bigger deal and therefor maybe your putting yourself under pressure??
This would make me think that making plans in advance is the best way to go. But then I contradict myself because I have often said I don't like plans. I don't like appointments. I don't like to be tied to something. For example a doctors appointment or a dentist appointment can have you totally stressed on the lead up to the dreaded day. Thinking about nothing else and in my experience, losing sleep over it.
Spur of the moment can work too. I can suddenly decide to go see a friend or go nip to the shops as they seem easy now. But if you suddenly ask me to jump in the car and drive 10 miles I wont thank you for it. In fact Ill prob shout at you.
I'm afraid I don't know which way is best. Maybe it totally depends on the frame of mind you are in... but I digress.

So after Gerry mentioned the trial drive to the restaurant (which i refused) I suddenly felt anxious about the following day. I thought about nothing else all night and built it into this huge tasks which i would have to undertake. To be honest, it had become to hard. I was gutted and totally frustrated with myself. But I told myself to at least TRY. Even if I had to turn back, i had to at least try it. I couldn't just rule it out, cause that would be the agoraphobia winning.

So Gerry's birthday arrived. I got up and got myself dressed to go for the meal. I was physically shaking and even thought of changing the venue and visiting a restaurant closer to home but I refused. Our table was booked for 4.00 so it was more of a Sunday lunch really but at 3.30 we set off. I chatted and tried to relax myself, in fact I was prob wittering a lot of rubbish but Gerry is used to me by now. Then disaster. Disaster for an agoraphobic on a mission. The road to the restaurant was closed. Big Diversion signs filled the road and I had no where to turn back. I don't really know what came over me but I just followed the diversion (not that I had much choice). I was nervous though and certainly not thrilled by it but i continued to drive. To Gerry the diversion probably didn't seem to long but to me, as you can imagine, it felt like miles. Thankfully we arrived at the restaurant in one piece. While eating our meal I did worry about the drive home. It wasn't going to be the straight road that I had initially planned, i had to take the long route again uugghhh! What if I panicked and couldn't get home quickly enough? Maybe my anxiety realised that I wasn't playing ball that day because soon I became really relaxed. When I thought of the drive home I actually looked forward to it. I would be driving through an area where I hadn't driven in years and I was happy to take a leisurely drive and just check out the scenery. But soon Gerry added that he wanted to go somewhere else. Don't you hate it when you think you have just achieved something major and then someone asks you to do more?? Being his birthday I felt I had to give it a go and after our meal we found a pub in a quiet old village and had drinks by the log fire. It was lovely but since Gerry was drinking alcohol and I wasn't, meaning i knew i HAD to drive home, i didn't want to stay for too long. The drive home was now going to take 3 times as long as I had first thought. Also I think it is sometimes helpful to leave when your on a high. Let your brain remember the good memories you had being out. If I had hung around too long I may have become anxious, panicked, and then wouldn't have ever wanted to go back there. So i was ready to go, knowing that since it was a success i will feel confident in travelling there again.

Gerry was a happy boy and I a happy girl. Last year for his birthday I set up a table in my bedroom and cooked him a meal, so things have changed! Happy with my success Gerry then told me 'Next week we can go have dinner with my parents'. Great pffft! (the pic above is the restaurant. The pic is from there website where there isn't a great deal to choose from. I did ask Gerry if I could take some at the meal but I know he gets annoyed with me because any time we go somewhere new I get the camera out ha. Its very much 'look at me, look where i am now!'

I have spoken before about my nephew Luke who was born with Spina Bifida. Words cannot express what Luke means to me, I would do anything for him. He was very excited last week to receive a VIP invitation to meet Gordan Ramsay. Gordon is the patron of the Spina Bifida charity, i think a member of his family was a sufferer. So Luke is going to meet the chef at the end of the month. I have always been a fan of Ramsay's. I know he is infamous for his foul moods and bad language but i have always liked him so I'm wondering if i should tag along ha. We are waiting for more details in the post.

House Hunting. Gerry and I are now desperate to live together. I do love living with my parents but we cannot wait to have our own place. We have been back out house hunting again and after viewing about 6 places we have chosen one which we both love. The only problem we have now is waiting for Gerry to sell his. Fingers crossed it wont take too long. Ideally it would be wonderful to have something and be moved in for Xmas. I cant think of anything nicer than waking up together and sitting around our tree opening presents but time will tell. I'm sure we have many Christmases ahead of us so I can be patient.

Finally, tonight I received an Email from a journalist looking to interview me about my 'story'. Having read my blog online the girl wants to know all about my life, how I became agoraphobic and how I am doing now. I don't know how I feel about it to be honest. I think it is good to raise awareness about agoraphobia but I'm not sure if I want everyone to know my business. Ok that sounds strange as I speak so openly in my blog, but no one from my town knows this exists. The only people who will know about this, are fellow sufferers who have searched for agoraphobia online. But to appear in a magazine, picture and all... I'm not really sure yet. Ill think it over.

So there is my catch up. My life over the past few weeks. I am happy and physically healthy (i think) but the mental health will probably always be an issue. I can deal with that though, I'm used to it now. My friends still suck ha, I havent really seen them at all. I have tried! But hey I am persistant so I wont give up lol.

Oh one more thing. Tonight i stumbled across a new agoraphobia blog by 'agoraphob' really enjoyed it and totally related with the author. If you fancy reading it you can find it by checking out my comments and clicking on Agoraphobs profile. She mentioned this device which apparently helps anxiety. Why did i not know about this lol??? If anyone has used this let me know your thoughts, and for those of you who havent heard of it, here is the link.

http://www.alpha-stim.com/SCS.html

Panic Returns

Since my little trip to hospital everything had been ok. Gerald and I had a fantastic 2 weeks with out relationship at it's best and I was one happy girl. We went to Luke's mum's 30th together and had a really good time (as pictured).

Sadly that's probably been the best bit of the past 3 weeks. I am sorry this is going to be another blog which will have some details of my 'womens problems'. Ok so I left hospital after being told it was my period. That was fine with me and I quickly continued my routine. I probably rested for 1 day but after that i was right back into the gym and also to my Body Attack class. I now go to body attack on a Wednesday night and wow it is HARD work. What bothered me is that there must be 50 people in the class of all different shapes and sizes, yet i am the ONLY one who seems to really struggle and have to take time out at the side. People tell me it might be because everyone else is used to the class, but there are constantly new starts arriving so i must just be really unfit! It is either that, or my health is still not right. I have now been bleeding for 3 weeks. I could handle that. I told myself it was just my body getting over the latest problems but on Thursday things took a turn for the worst.

I had been having cramp and it got worse and worse. The strange thing was that it came and went every 2 minutes. But it wasn't just a little pain , i would go as far to describe it as agony. I had hot baths, used head pads and took all the pain relief i could find but nothing was working. In the end i told my mother that if I didn't know any better i would have said i was in labour. Well i wasn't far off. I was having contractions! i now sympathise with all women who have had kids. Obviously the pain is worth while once your little baby arrives, and i wont be ignorant enough to suggest my pain was at the same level, but I knew nothing was coming at the end of my ordeal. What killed the most was the back pain! Every 2 minutes I was rubbing my back furiously while moaning and wriggling around trying to find a comfortable position. I called an emergency doctor for advice and was told to just keep on taking pain relief and make an appointment with my doctor. At 6pm on Friday I gave birth to a tennis ball sized lump. I guess many people would have been freaked out by this but to be honest i felt relief! I knew i was right. I knew my body was trying to get rid of something. Sometimes it is better to go with your instincts cause I could tell my doctor didn't actually have a clue what was going on. I had been prescribed antibiotics in case I had an infection. I am hoping soooo much that this lump was the cause of the prolonged bleeding, the pain and other complications. I want to say that this should be the end of a nightmare journey but I think this so often and then something else happens to surprise me.

Scarier than this was what happened at the beginning of the week. I had mentioned briefly that i was having relationship problems and those problems came to a head at the start of the week. I have been through a lot of stress recently but this seemed to hit me far worse than before. On Monday after a long night of arguments and discussions I went to bed exhausted. For the first time in years I woke up feeling very anxious and uncomfortable. I tried to think of other things as a distraction but it didn't seem to work. The anxiety grew and before I knew it I was in the midst of a terrible panic attack. The panic probably peaked at a 9/10 but thankfully it went away quickly. What scared me most was the thoughts i was having. Very suddenly the thought of going out at all scared me. Not just going to the gym, or going to the supermarket, but actually leaving my house. Just the thought of it seemed impossible. My biggest fear that I would become housebound again. Of course with this in my head I felt even more anxious. Gerry was with me and managed to talk me down a little, but it just shows how long it has been since i have had to deal with this as Gerry has never seen me take a panic attack in a year and a half!

I felt extremely vulnerable and really didn't want to be alone. I told Gerry that he would need to expect changes. I imagined I would be very needy and clingy for a while as I didn't think i could cope without him. I literally couldnt imagine him leaving and going to work, i think if it had continued I would have made him call in sick! I cant explain how it felt all i know is that I was utterly desperate. It just took me right back to those years ago when I was at my worst and it scared me so much. I also wondered how on earth I ever got through it before.

This all took place at night and as soon as i woke up in the morning i said 'we need to go out'. I couldnt stay at home. No chance. If I had stayed home i would have sat around and worried, thinking over and over again about how my phobia was returning. I had to get right back out and face it. I think we only drove to my local shops but it was enough. I was pretty comfortable and had done enough to ease my mind a little but i had to do it everyday untill the fears had passed. Thankfully i think the fear has gone now. It just gave me renewed understanding and sympathy for those who are going through it right now, or who like me, have gone through it at all!

My routine has been messed up due to my little relapse and then the tummy troubles but I am hoping that I can FINALLY get back on track. I have missed the gym this week since I think i need to give my body a rest. but i hope that when i write again i will have much more positive news to share with you all. x

WARNING : Not for the Squeamish!

It's been an ok couple of weeks since I last wrote. I've been trying to get back on track and I suppose its going well enough, maybe not as well as i would have liked. I've been having a few relationship problems, which i wont go into, but the stress definitely takes its toll. I have continued to go out everyday to the gym, or to the shops. I've been out for lunches with friends. I have continued with the pub quiz on a Monday. In fact I have been very social but aware that this all takes place locally and its time to start pushing outwards again.

Couple of new things I have done. I went to the opticians for an eye test since its been about 9 years since my last one. But no glasses needed (secretly hoped I maybe needed a pair because I think they are quite trendy). And at the weekend I went to see a play. It has been a long time since I have been to anything remotely like a play and i loved every minute. The play is called 'Singing, I'm no a Billy, He's a Tim'. I think you have to have some knowledge of religion and bigotry in Scotland to appreciate it but it was hilarious and i totally recommend it. The story is about our biggest 2 football teams. Here in Scotland, most people either support the team Rangers, and the others support Celtic. Typically a Rangers fan is protestant and Celtic supporters are catholics. This has caused huge rivalry for generations. Anyway, the story is about a Rangers fan named Billy, and a Celtic fan named Tim who are stuck in a prison cell together much to there outrage. At the end of the play I got my picture taken on set. So there you see me, Billy, Tim and the Turnkey Harry. A fantastic anxiety free night.

The following night i was sitting in bed relaxing when suddenly I felt Very wet down below. Hmmm I really thought I had wet myself although I have never had this problem before. Unfortunately when I looked down I realised I was sitting in a huge pool of blood. I stood up slowly as the blood continued to pour from me and made my way to the bathroom. As i sat on the toilet the blood rushed from me like a tap (faucet). I knew this was far from normal and quickly called on my mum. My poor mother. She wasn't prepared for the carnage in the bathroom. It was literally everywhere. So of course my mind went into overdrive. What was happening to me? This has to be connected to the miscarriage but what on earth is it? But what worried me most was the amount of blood I was losing. I cannot describe it and I'm sorry if you are squeamish but it really seemed like pints. So i began to go into shock.

I dragged myself back onto bed and began to shake. Suddenly a cold swear covered me and the panic began. Oh it was awful. Then I thought I was going to vomit. but no doubt about it, i needed to get help and FAST! Mentally I was preparing myself for passing out. Losing that amount of blood would surely mean that i was going to lose consciousness at any minute. We rang the hospital and I explained the situation, but focusing MORE on the agoraphobia. I guess i wanted them to fix me at home but I knew myself that I had to go to hospital immediately. I thought about how when I'm going somewhere i NEED to be the person driving, but i knew it probably wasn't the best thing at this time so I asked them to send me an ambulance. I felt that in the back of an ambulance, where i wouldn't see the outside, i would handle the journey better. Even though the whole way there i knew exactly where i was as I know the roads so well. But then another thought came which you might understand. Bizarrely i thought i would maybe find it hard to deal with. The fact that one minute i was in my street and the next when the doors opened I would be somewhere completely different outside of my comfort zone. Does that make sense?

The paramedics arrived to what looked like a crime scene and they couldn't have been better with me. I was put into the ambulance and hooked up to the machines. My blood pressure it seemed was fine. Also at this stage the panic attacks had died and I felt surprisingly ok, although i was still thinking that if the bleeding was continuing I would still pass out. Mum came with me in the ambulance and Gerry, who i called, followed us in his car.

I was fine during the journey. I wonder if I had too much on my mind to think about the agoraphobia. But i felt that i really had no choice this time. I had to go to hospital regardless of the panic. I was admitted into hospital and put in a room. While there I felt ok. I did worry a few times about the journey home. I wouldn't be in an ambulance where I couldn't see my surroundings. I would be in a car and more likely to panic since the journey home would take a while PLUS i wouldn't be the one driving. I imagined the journey taking forever with me curled up in a ball in the back seat freaking out. I tried really hard to ignore that feeling resigning myself to the fact I would probably be kept in hospital for at least a day and would most likely be having some sort of operation or blood transfusion. Another worry was, what am I going to do if they send my mum and Gerry home. Yes i could beg and plead for someone to be able to stay with me but I doubted very much it would be allowed. I ignored it though and figured I would deal with that should the situation arrive.

And so i was put into a room with my mum and Gerry to wait on the gyno doctor. I was terrified to stand up as I didn't know what the heck would fall out of me, but lying down seemed to have calmed the bleeding. We waited from 3am till 9 am for me to finally be seen by the right person. in between that time I had to tell my story over and over to several different people. Very frustrating. Also to be honest i didnt think much of the service lol. I was in a room where i was hooked up to some machines, but after a trip to the toilet I wasn't attached to anything. I was alone (with my mum and Gerry) but with no medical people. I could have been bleeding to death! Dramatic? Maybe, but that's how I felt. I actually added the pic of me in hospital because the whole time i was so calm and actually cracking jokes. I was only kidding when i took the picture and said it would be going on facebook but its come on handy for this post all the same. The only feeling i really had was guilt. My poor mother. I woke her from her sleep and obviously she wouldn't have stayed at home while i was going through that but I felt guilty as she looked awful and a few times i thought she was actually going to be sick. I even told her to go home and id be ok with Gerry but she refused.

So i was finally seen i was checked inside and out. The Doctor checked my heart and lungs and then said this. 'We think this is your period. Since you haven't bled since the miscarriage, we think its just very severe as its your first time'. I couldn't believe it. 'You can go' She said. Surely that wasn't correct. I have heard horror stories about things going wrong in that hospital before so I needed to be certain she was right. but apparently it does happen and they have seen it before. I protested that even the paramedic admitted he had never seen so much blood. But she seemed to think i was OK to leave. And so i did. I bared myself for the panic that was about to come. I had sent Gerry home for a shower thinking i was going to be there for hours but suddenly i was standing outside of the hospital ready to leave. There i was with no car, no money, and no one to take me home. Thank goodness my mum was there or I don't know what i would have done. I rang Gerry and he made his way to come get us. We travelled home and i waited for the panic, but it didn't come. I even told him to stop at McDonald's and get us some breakfast, so i was in no rush to get home. Still cracking jokes I told Gerry that he isn't allowed to complain at me for a week. He cant moan and tell me that I haven't gone anywhere with him because we had just spent a night out in another town together, and even had a meal after it ha.

The situation was scary, but in a way it has shown me again that I can cope. I have it within me to calm myself. I had been worrying a lot about distance again, and although I'm not ready to travel for miles and miles, it has made me confident enough to get back out and start pushing. Also Gerry was fantastic at the hospital, I don't know what I would have done without him. It put or relationship problems into perspective and I feel very grateful and very happy now. Every cloud...

Time for a Ramble i think

Hmmmm whats been happening with me? Not a lot is the answer to that!

Ok so i joined the gym, which i told you about. Really got into it as well and then i got the flu. Seems to always be something stopping me in my tracks these days. All the baby stuff seemed to go on forever and to be honest it was STILL on going for a long time. I have an confession to make. I was bad. Well you know I was at the hospital for my scans etc etc. And the last time I was there I had the miscarriage confirmed and felt really anxious and scared? Well I was told to go back for a scan again to make sure everything had gone naturally.... and I didn't go back. Agoraphobia really is a total nightmare. Even though you KNOW you need to go somewhere, it can seem almost impossible. Obviously the last time i was there had really put me off going back. Where was brave Lynn who was up for tackling anything?? Well she was hiding for a couple of months. Totally in denial.

So weeks past with everyone on my back saying 'have you made an appointment, have you made an appointment'. It was too much pressure. So i lied and told my parents I had been to the hospital and been given the all clear (they were away for a few days so i could have gone while they were away). Eventually the stress and guilt got too much and I called my doctor.
I thought that if i went to see her she would just say 'Ah well lets send you for a scan' and i was dreading it because I really didn't think i could manage it but luckily she didn't do that this time. I should mention that I was worried something wasn't right as my pregnancy tests were all still saying i was pregnant and i new that wasn't right. So I finally seen my doctor last week and was given a thorough check over. She took bloods, she done swabs, she ran tests. And the result? Well my hormone levels are dropping, but very slowly, hence the positive pregnancy tests. That should sort itself out. And yes I did have an infection! Oh Lynn Lynn Lynn Lynn. Burying your head in the sand does not work! Luckily all i need to do is take a course of anti-biotics. It could have been worse though. I could have been left infertile so I know I cant be taking risks like that in future.

So then I began the drama of taking the pills again. We all know how much i LOVE pills. Not!! I shouldn't bother reading the leaflet that comes with pills, but i always do and it scares me every time. Usually if they say it can effect my breathing I wont take it. My breathing is how i keep myself calm so i don't like anything that messes with my breathing. This one, however, said it would make me drowsy. Well fantastic! I don't DO drowsy. I don't want to feel any way but alert. So that was off putting. But the clincher would have been when i seen that it could cause hallucinations. We all want that don't we? Especially when we suffer from anxiety. Well it took a couple of days for me to suck it up and take the damn things. OBVIOUSLY I have had none of the side effects, even though i knew i wouldn't have any, i was still stressing. Now i take them every time I am meant to and I even look forward to taking them because I feel them working and feel my body healing!

So i spent last week with the flu. It was a struggle. I felt VERY agoraphobic one day. In fact that's not true. I felt very ANXIOUS. I am telling myself that i am no longer agoraphobic. I stuffer from anxiety, this is true, but i don't fear going outside anymore. I don't fear supermarkets, big buildings, crowds, and i can handle queues to a certain extent. My only agoraphobia moments are traveling a big distance from home, but i think that's more about habit. I haven't been travelling far for so long that the thought does scare me. And I am certain that if I went far I would panic about it but I wouldn't necessarily flee for home like I would have in the past. So last week I was feeling anxious. I was feeling frustrated too that I haven't been travelling as far as I was when i was taking my driving lessons. I hadn't been close to Gerry's house or into Paisley since the visit to the hospital. but to stay sane I tried to cut myself some slack. Ok, I hadn't done those things but I had still been going out everyday. I still went to the gym which was new. I still went out to lunch, seen friends etc. I was pretty much still doing everything, apart from driving a little bit further. The pregnancy, the miscarriage, the flu all affected that, but it doesn't mean i wont do it again. In my head I remembered back to when i was housebound. I was really worried that U would end up that way again. I was avoiding the hospital, avoiding my driving lessons, and it was avoidance that caused me to be agoraphobic in the first place. The thought of ended up stuck at home again terrified me so i decided to act. I got my diary and wrote a plan for the week. There were silly things i was avoiding but I decided to write them down and make myself achieve them over the next 7 days.

• Book driving lesson


• Phone Doctors


• Drive round town everyday


• Walk every day


• Listen to Paul McKenna every night


• Phone Aunt (i had meant to visit her once but didn't go and hadn't been in touch since)


• Book Dentist


• Phone Occupational Therapist Karen


• Phone Hairdresser


• Make Fiona's invites


• Go to Gym 4 x

Ok Fiona was having a party and asked me to make her invitations. I had put it off and put it off thinking the party was months away but received a text asking if the invites were ready. Ughhh. Finally I spent a full day making 70 handmade cards for her. Very Fancy the were and I was very pleased with them and surprised how well they turned out. I ticked that off. I got my hair cut, ticked that off. Dentist grrrr, booked it, went, had a root canal. Had avoided it so long, even sitting in the waiting room i wanted to bolt, but I didn't. Got it done, no pain relief, but none needed, it was fine and I was told I don't need to go back now for 6 months YEY! Ticked it off. I had got a bit lazy with Paul McKenna. When things are going good you can let these things slip a little but I felt I needed that wee routine again so hes been coming to bed with me at night. Driving lesson is booked, been to the doctors like i said. Phoned Karen the occupational Therapist and had a meeting with her. That had all stopped due to the pregnancy/miscarriage/flu, but now we are back on track.

So basically i done everything on the list. I think the list was a great idea. My head was all over the place with the things that needed done but that helped me to see more clearly. Then you have the sense of achievement when you have ticked everything. Once again I tell myself that agoraphobia will not win as long as I face up to things and don't be AVOIDING again.

I also went to the local pub quiz with my brother last week and really enjoyed that so we are both going there together every Monday that we are free... I am always free obviously but he might have to work. We will see how that works out. My other brother is planning to move to New Zealand for a year with his girlfriend, so in an effort to save his pennies he has moved back home for a while and renting out his house. His dog George has been staying between our house and his girlfriends house and im enjoying that. He is such a miserable looking thing but i love him to pieces and I think he likes me cause he follows me everywhere and likes to sleep on my bed (although Gerry says hes not allowed on the bed, i actually dont mind and what he doesnt know doesnt hurt him. Dont tell him lol)

Finally, today I visited my Auntie. I was meant to go a few weeks ago and missed it (that's when I was having the car trouble). I kept meaning to phone her then forgetting so was feeling VERY guilty about it, but today i finally dropped by for a visit. I am ashamed to say I also have an uncle who lives in my town and also I see him now and again when he is with my dad, i never see his wife or his daughter, my cousin Olivia. Today though when i went to my aunts she phoned them, told them I was there and they popped by. My uncles wife, Linda doesn't feel like my aunt. They only met in my teens so she seems more like a girlfriend, and the fact she is only 34 makes me feel like she is more of a friend. Anyway, it turns out that Linda doesn't have many friends in this town and since i too have been moaning about my friends lately it seemed like a good idea that Linda and I should meet up. So, being a member at the sport centre, we have arranged to meet on Wednesday for a body attack class. Linda tells me this is like aerobics or something but i am game. I will be awful no doubt. Last time i went to a class the pensioner in front of me completely showed me by dancing away while i was collapsed on the floor looking like i was having a seizure! So I am happy about this. A new friend. I think it sounds like we both need one. And little Olivia. Well she isn't so little anymore. She is now 15 and I was so angry to hear that she is starting a new school tomorrow. Angry because she is making the move due to bullying. I hate bullies, i really do. Olivia's best friend suddenly turned on her one day and beat her up in full view of the rest of the school. Other people decided to get involved and also get some punches in. And so it went from there. She has been receiving threats via text, has been hit several times and finally it got too much when they started making knife threats and even taking knives to school. I am so angry but what can you do? They have told the teachers and they don't seem to be very helpful at all and so now she is moving school. It is probably the best solution, taking her away from them completely and now she can get on with her life. her new school is in a better area so I really hope it works out well for her. I will be checking on her in future now. I feel so bad that all this was going on and I knew nothing about it.

The same things happened to my nephew Riley. Since he was moving into high school after the summer holidays he went for 2 'taster' days at what would be his new school. On the last day he was walking home and was beaten up by 3 boys. It turns out that the leader of the little group is from a well known family in his town. The family are notorious for causing trouble and being in prison etc. To put it politely they are a family who you don't mess with. Over the summer break Riley's parents had to search for a new school who would take him on at such short notice. He just couldn't go back to the school originally planned. Its so sad. Riley is the most amazing little kid and he wouldn't harm a fly. Bully's eh! Well he has now moved to his new school and made a whole bunch of new friends and I just pray it works out for him.

Anyway i have rambled enough for tonight. I hope you are all well, relaxed and happy. Catch up again soon xxx

Oh and if anyone remembers reading last year about Luke's mum being attacked while driving her car one day (in front of the children) well i am happy to report that it went to court and the women was found guilty. She was charged with assalt and made to pay a fine. Justice!

Re-post

A little reminder to myself. I wrote this blog months ago but after a week of having the flu and being stuck in bed i have needed to remind myself of my own advice!



Keep a diary. Write what you have done each day, no matter how small. This way you will have a sense of achievement, order and also it is a useful way of looking back and seeing just how much you have improved.
Exercise. Ok I know not everyone enjoys this, but I do think that old saying is true... A healthy body, A healthy mind.
Listen to relaxation cd's as much as possible. I have mentioned many times that I listen to Paul McKenna daily.
Get into a routine. This for me was my biggest battle but I would say THE answer to my on going recovery. I slept most of the day and was up most of the night. Your not gonna make great progress if your all sleepy and foggy. Now my day is completely structured and sticking to this agenda is keeping me going.
Don't make huge unrealistic plans. Take baby steps. When I started all of this I walked to my Gate and back everyday. When I was ready I took it further, and if you have watched my video's you will see I can walk pretty far right now.
Do things at YOUR pace. Don't let anybody dictate to you. I would say that perhaps medical professionals could be the exception here but i really don't think anyone knows the right pace for you to do this better than you do.
My fight against agoraphobia didn't just start with walking, I have taken on other problems I had which seemed huge in the past. I would only bath during the day and I would never take pain killers (or any medication actually). Now i bath whenever I feel like it and I have relaxed with taking pills. So maybe you could look at facing some problems you have INDOORS before taking on the ones outside?
Talk! Anytime you have things on your mind either write it down or talk to someone. I will never bottle anything up like i did in the past. I know its not healthy for me and only leaves me sitting about brooding.
Make the most of the days where you are feeling good. A friend pointed out to me that he makes the most of his good days because when the bad days come and he is stuck indoors he doesn't want to think... I wish I had made the most of things when I felt better. Your only going to be frustrated with yourself for not fighting back.
Whatever task you choice, be it walking to the edge of your street, do it over and over and over again. Daily if possible. I know people might worry that their neighbours will give them funnily looks but at the end of the day who cares. Your getting your life back and that's way more important than their opinions. Also you could maybe talk on your phone so it doesn't look so strange or if you have a dog take it along. Making myself walk everyday has definitely helped me in the long run. Also if i have a day when I am feeling anxious I will maybe go a much shorter walk but I still attempt it.
Remember that there will be bad days and don't give up when they come. The good days always return.
Positive mental attitude. Seems so cliche but absolutely works.
Make a list to take out with you. If you get anxious and your head gets too messed up to think it is handy to have a list that You can read that has clear statements such as, this will pass. You are better than this. You are strong and will get through this.

The Ongoing Battle

Last time I wrote I mentioned something about a job. Well unfortunately this didn't materialise. I had heard about a vacancy through a friend and was very interested but in the end the company didn't create the position. Shame. More and more lately I have been thinking about getting back into work. For 3 reasons i suppose. Firstly, it would be nice to earn some decent money. Secondly, it would be a healthy routine, a confidence booster, a step back into society. And Thirdly, because it would be a good place to meet people.

I have spoken before about how agoraphobia can affect friendships. I was lucky enough to keep 3 best friends throughout my housebound years. Ok, maybe I could walk to the end of my street for a few years, but social events were impossible. I kept my friendships going through phone calls or weekly visits from my friends. Perhaps not weekly, but often enough. I expected that when I got my life in order, and started to go out, it would be exciting and I would enjoy lots of days out with my friends. I would busy, socialising and living the life i had missed for the best part of 8 years. It hasn't really worked out that way. My friend's have made lives of their own now. They are living with partners, or working, or raising children and I don't fit into that on a daily basis. Yeh there are still phone calls but I have noticed that I am not invited to social events. Do they just forget to ask me as they got so used to me saying no in the past? I know there are more reasons than this, for example one friend has a controlling boyfriend who doesn't really want her to have friends and the other is a workaholic so rarely goes out anyway. But basically its been very difficult for me.

What can I do to fill my days? I call friends and suggest that I pop by for a visit, but i am met with reasons why i cant. I walk alone. I go driving. I cant keep going shopping as ill be left penniless. And so it seems that I am ready to look for a job. Easier said than done. In the past I always got any job that I went for. The problem at the moment is that there are no jobs available. No one is hiring. So i looked for another solution. I don't actually know what made me think of the gym. I successfully changed my diet about a year and a half ago which resulted in me losing lots of weight, feeling better and become much healthier, but I have never really been a fan of exercise. The gym to me seemed like my idea of hell if I'm honest. But last week I had the thought that it would at least give me something to do with my time, and ill be getting healthy in the process....and wow i might even meet people!

So last Tuesday i joined the local gym. I was given my induction and left to get on with it. I have been everyday since. I love it! I have gone alone, or Angela has come with me which is great. We have now both become members and are really getting into it. I am not going to become obsessed with it and will take days off when ever i feel like it, but at the moment I'm enjoying my day having a bit of purpose. It also feels good that I have done this for myself. I get up and get myself ready then head of to the gym. I feel independent and I like it. As for meeting people, well the gym is not the ideal place. Once inside everyone is so focused on whichever machine they are using, the kind of tune out to everything that's happening around them, i do too now. And so this might not be the answer to that particular problem but i enjoy it none the less. In the mean time whenever i see another girl my age working out i give a friendly smile, of course they probably think I'm strange or even lesbian but maybe they might just think I'm a nice person lol.

And so the job hunt will continue and i will obviously keep you up to date on that. I'm not sure if it would be too soon to take on work, but i tell myself that it only has to be a few hours somewhere. Break myself in easily.

Panic has still not returned. I actually don't remember the last time I had a panic attack. This doesn't mean i don't dread them. Yes i know i shouldn't live in fear of them, but you cant help worry. If it does come i think I am strong enough now that i will accept that it has happened and then move on, continue as normal. In the past a bad panic attack would have me locked in my room for almost 2 weeks until i was ready to face some sort of normality. The only time I have come close was on Friday when I took my mum for her weekly food shop. We were in a huge supermarket and I felt a little dizzy, but i get that often so didn't let it bother me. it was while waiting at the check out i felt the urge to leave and the wave of panic rise through my body. I refused to move though and told myself that this little wobble was a good thing. We need to feel the fear and stay put. Every time we do this, we become a little stronger. And of course it passed.

I wont be naive and think i am panic free. I accept that this may be with me for life. But i hope that I will deal with it far better than I did in the past and just keep on going. I think it is possible with a positive mindset and good support. Which hopefully I have.