Monday, 31 August 2009

Time for a Ramble i think

Hmmmm whats been happening with me? Not a lot is the answer to that!

Ok so i joined the gym, which i told you about. Really got into it as well and then i got the flu. Seems to always be something stopping me in my tracks these days. All the baby stuff seemed to go on forever and to be honest it was STILL on going for a long time. I have an confession to make. I was bad. Well you know I was at the hospital for my scans etc etc. And the last time I was there I had the miscarriage confirmed and felt really anxious and scared? Well I was told to go back for a scan again to make sure everything had gone naturally.... and I didn't go back. Agoraphobia really is a total nightmare. Even though you KNOW you need to go somewhere, it can seem almost impossible. Obviously the last time i was there had really put me off going back. Where was brave Lynn who was up for tackling anything?? Well she was hiding for a couple of months. Totally in denial.

So weeks past with everyone on my back saying 'have you made an appointment, have you made an appointment'. It was too much pressure. So i lied and told my parents I had been to the hospital and been given the all clear (they were away for a few days so i could have gone while they were away). Eventually the stress and guilt got too much and I called my doctor.
I thought that if i went to see her she would just say 'Ah well lets send you for a scan' and i was dreading it because I really didn't think i could manage it but luckily she didn't do that this time. I should mention that I was worried something wasn't right as my pregnancy tests were all still saying i was pregnant and i new that wasn't right. So I finally seen my doctor last week and was given a thorough check over. She took bloods, she done swabs, she ran tests. And the result? Well my hormone levels are dropping, but very slowly, hence the positive pregnancy tests. That should sort itself out. And yes I did have an infection! Oh Lynn Lynn Lynn Lynn. Burying your head in the sand does not work! Luckily all i need to do is take a course of anti-biotics. It could have been worse though. I could have been left infertile so I know I cant be taking risks like that in future.

So then I began the drama of taking the pills again. We all know how much i LOVE pills. Not!! I shouldn't bother reading the leaflet that comes with pills, but i always do and it scares me every time. Usually if they say it can effect my breathing I wont take it. My breathing is how i keep myself calm so i don't like anything that messes with my breathing. This one, however, said it would make me drowsy. Well fantastic! I don't DO drowsy. I don't want to feel any way but alert. So that was off putting. But the clincher would have been when i seen that it could cause hallucinations. We all want that don't we? Especially when we suffer from anxiety. Well it took a couple of days for me to suck it up and take the damn things. OBVIOUSLY I have had none of the side effects, even though i knew i wouldn't have any, i was still stressing. Now i take them every time I am meant to and I even look forward to taking them because I feel them working and feel my body healing!

So i spent last week with the flu. It was a struggle. I felt VERY agoraphobic one day. In fact that's not true. I felt very ANXIOUS. I am telling myself that i am no longer agoraphobic. I stuffer from anxiety, this is true, but i don't fear going outside anymore. I don't fear supermarkets, big buildings, crowds, and i can handle queues to a certain extent. My only agoraphobia moments are traveling a big distance from home, but i think that's more about habit. I haven't been travelling far for so long that the thought does scare me. And I am certain that if I went far I would panic about it but I wouldn't necessarily flee for home like I would have in the past. So last week I was feeling anxious. I was feeling frustrated too that I haven't been travelling as far as I was when i was taking my driving lessons. I hadn't been close to Gerry's house or into Paisley since the visit to the hospital. but to stay sane I tried to cut myself some slack. Ok, I hadn't done those things but I had still been going out everyday. I still went to the gym which was new. I still went out to lunch, seen friends etc. I was pretty much still doing everything, apart from driving a little bit further. The pregnancy, the miscarriage, the flu all affected that, but it doesn't mean i wont do it again. In my head I remembered back to when i was housebound. I was really worried that U would end up that way again. I was avoiding the hospital, avoiding my driving lessons, and it was avoidance that caused me to be agoraphobic in the first place. The thought of ended up stuck at home again terrified me so i decided to act. I got my diary and wrote a plan for the week. There were silly things i was avoiding but I decided to write them down and make myself achieve them over the next 7 days.

  • Book driving lesson

  • Phone Doctors

  • Drive round town everyday

  • Walk every day

  • Listen to Paul McKenna every night

  • Phone Aunt (i had meant to visit her once but didn't go and hadn't been in touch since)

  • Book Dentist

  • Phone Occupational Therapist Karen

  • Phone Hairdresser

  • Make Fiona's invites

  • Go to Gym 4 x

Ok Fiona was having a party and asked me to make her invitations. I had put it off and put it off thinking the party was months away but received a text asking if the invites were ready. Ughhh. Finally I spent a full day making 70 handmade cards for her. Very Fancy the were and I was very pleased with them and surprised how well they turned out. I ticked that off. I got my hair cut, ticked that off. Dentist grrrr, booked it, went, had a root canal. Had avoided it so long, even sitting in the waiting room i wanted to bolt, but I didn't. Got it done, no pain relief, but none needed, it was fine and I was told I don't need to go back now for 6 months YEY! Ticked it off. I had got a bit lazy with Paul McKenna. When things are going good you can let these things slip a little but I felt I needed that wee routine again so hes been coming to bed with me at night. Driving lesson is booked, been to the doctors like i said. Phoned Karen the occupational Therapist and had a meeting with her. That had all stopped due to the pregnancy/miscarriage/flu, but now we are back on track.

So basically i done everything on the list. I think the list was a great idea. My head was all over the place with the things that needed done but that helped me to see more clearly. Then you have the sense of achievement when you have ticked everything. Once again I tell myself that agoraphobia will not win as long as I face up to things and don't be AVOIDING again.

I also went to the local pub quiz with my brother last week and really enjoyed that so we are both going there together every Monday that we are free... I am always free obviously but he might have to work. We will see how that works out. My other brother is planning to move to New Zealand for a year with his girlfriend, so in an effort to save his pennies he has moved back home for a while and renting out his house. His dog George has been staying between our house and his girlfriends house and im enjoying that. He is such a miserable looking thing but i love him to pieces and I think he likes me cause he follows me everywhere and likes to sleep on my bed (although Gerry says hes not allowed on the bed, i actually dont mind and what he doesnt know doesnt hurt him. Dont tell him lol)

Finally, today I visited my Auntie. I was meant to go a few weeks ago and missed it (that's when I was having the car trouble). I kept meaning to phone her then forgetting so was feeling VERY guilty about it, but today i finally dropped by for a visit. I am ashamed to say I also have an uncle who lives in my town and also I see him now and again when he is with my dad, i never see his wife or his daughter, my cousin Olivia. Today though when i went to my aunts she phoned them, told them I was there and they popped by. My uncles wife, Linda doesn't feel like my aunt. They only met in my teens so she seems more like a girlfriend, and the fact she is only 34 makes me feel like she is more of a friend. Anyway, it turns out that Linda doesn't have many friends in this town and since i too have been moaning about my friends lately it seemed like a good idea that Linda and I should meet up. So, being a member at the sport centre, we have arranged to meet on Wednesday for a body attack class. Linda tells me this is like aerobics or something but i am game. I will be awful no doubt. Last time i went to a class the pensioner in front of me completely showed me by dancing away while i was collapsed on the floor looking like i was having a seizure! So I am happy about this. A new friend. I think it sounds like we both need one. And little Olivia. Well she isn't so little anymore. She is now 15 and I was so angry to hear that she is starting a new school tomorrow. Angry because she is making the move due to bullying. I hate bullies, i really do. Olivia's best friend suddenly turned on her one day and beat her up in full view of the rest of the school. Other people decided to get involved and also get some punches in. And so it went from there. She has been receiving threats via text, has been hit several times and finally it got too much when they started making knife threats and even taking knives to school. I am so angry but what can you do? They have told the teachers and they don't seem to be very helpful at all and so now she is moving school. It is probably the best solution, taking her away from them completely and now she can get on with her life. her new school is in a better area so I really hope it works out well for her. I will be checking on her in future now. I feel so bad that all this was going on and I knew nothing about it.

The same things happened to my nephew Riley. Since he was moving into high school after the summer holidays he went for 2 'taster' days at what would be his new school. On the last day he was walking home and was beaten up by 3 boys. It turns out that the leader of the little group is from a well known family in his town. The family are notorious for causing trouble and being in prison etc. To put it politely they are a family who you don't mess with. Over the summer break Riley's parents had to search for a new school who would take him on at such short notice. He just couldn't go back to the school originally planned. Its so sad. Riley is the most amazing little kid and he wouldn't harm a fly. Bully's eh! Well he has now moved to his new school and made a whole bunch of new friends and I just pray it works out for him.

Anyway i have rambled enough for tonight. I hope you are all well, relaxed and happy. Catch up again soon xxx

Oh and if anyone remembers reading last year about Luke's mum being attacked while driving her car one day (in front of the children) well i am happy to report that it went to court and the women was found guilty. She was charged with assalt and made to pay a fine. Justice!


diver said...

Great dogpic Lynn, so expressive!

It's understandable you didn't rush back to the hospital. It holds no happy memories for you eh? Don't stress about your bravery lass - I for one will never forget how many teeth you had done at the dentist back in February, you're brave enough I reckon ;-)

I thought it was interesting what you said about agoraphobia v anxiety. I mean, I've not thought of you as 'agoraphobic' for awhile now either - not since your driving took off anyway. I too am OK with supermarkets, cinemas, crowds, public places, queues to a lesser extent. I'd still term myself 'agoraphobic' though because I totally freak about weddings, parties, funerals, gyms, waiting rooms, 'live' theatre and similar 'set piece' tie-you-down social activities. I mean, I can do them but I suffer through quite a lot of panic both beforehand and when I actually attend them (if I get to them at all). How are you with those sorts of things? If you can handle those types of event with only minor flutters then I'd reckon you must be WELL past the agoraphobia.

Bummer about Olivia's attacks. That sort of thing is what seeds conditions like social anxiety and agoraphobia! Riley too for that matter. Oh well, they've got you and you've trod that path and will no doubt be there for them one day if needed.

It was a good ramble Lynn. Glad to hear you're on the mend again :)

Rachael said...

Hi Lynn

What you said about Agoraphobia and Anxiety got me thinking about the difference between them and whether i should stil call myself 'agoraphobic', because although i always think im agoraphobic i can do so much more than i used to do and i can easily go out of the house. I was never housebound but diagnosed with agoraphobia and panic disorder. Now im thinking its just anxiety.

Like you, for me my agoraphobic moments are when i have to face the prospect of going too far from my comfort zone or if there was a MASSIVE crowd. So maybe its mostly anxiety now.

Well done on getting doing everything you aimed to do. Im a compulsive list maker and always find it helps to write stuff down, and you do get that sense of achivement when you finally get to tick it off.

Thats awful about your cousin and nephew, some people are just hideous :(

Good to know that the the woman got a fine, at least she got punished for what she did.

Take care

alice said...

youve been through alot in the past few months. i think you are doing well just coping with life in general. at least you sorted the hospital visit out, by going to the docs, you did something in the end and it was ok.

and its about time justice was served on the bullies in this life. just because they feel bad about themselves dont mean they can take it out on other

Lynn said...

Diver - I guess at the moment i am bored. I am actually LOOKING for parties or weddings to be invited to. Something to fill my day. Im okISH with waiting rooms although when im left waiting for a ridiculous amount of time i do get edgy. The gym... i am fine there and hopefully it will stay that way. I suppose im trying to take the label of 'agoraphobic'off of myself and maybe then i wont react like an agoraphobic in some situations, however, its definately still a part of me... hiding somewhere and wanting to come out. But im fighting back.

Rachael and Alice, thanks for your comments. Rachael you have improved loads and i think making lists is perfect. It helps put your thoughts in order and your head feels less messed up lol. I hope you are both well xxx

David said...

Hey, join the club! No trips to the dentist for 4 years and putting off a doctor's appointment maybe until my next life. Most of these obligations (probably not in your example) are not required anyway, but are part of the authority system that tells us when they want to see us and not always vice versa. If I had to go somewhere I probably would, but when I don't why on earth should I?
My neighbour came to a similar conclusion, stopped seeing the doctor years earlier and reached 92. There's a lesson there for everybody

Louis said...

Hi Lynn,
Looking in again. Sorry about the kids trouble at school that behavior is just inexscusable but it does seem to happen more in larger schools with a big city combination. The little twits needs their fannies kicked.
As for you dont be too hard on yourself and get out somemore. i still want to encourage you to offer to speak on Agoraphobia at church groups. I am constantly amazed at the people that thank me and act as if no one has ever been encoruaging for them. You have a lot to say gal. And you do it well on here. also like you say you have anxiety. well we share that dont we? And if i can go out and speak so can you. lets get chruch groups helping people like they should lynn.
Tell gerry hi and give that porr little fella in the pic a ham bone he looks sad. :)