Saturday, 3 October 2009

Panic Returns

Since my little trip to hospital everything had been ok. Gerald and I had a fantastic 2 weeks with out relationship at it's best and I was one happy girl. We went to Luke's mum's 30th together and had a really good time (as pictured).
Sadly that's probably been the best bit of the past 3 weeks. I am sorry this is going to be another blog which will have some details of my 'womens problems'. Ok so I left hospital after being told it was my period. That was fine with me and I quickly continued my routine. I probably rested for 1 day but after that i was right back into the gym and also to my Body Attack class. I now go to body attack on a Wednesday night and wow it is HARD work. What bothered me is that there must be 50 people in the class of all different shapes and sizes, yet i am the ONLY one who seems to really struggle and have to take time out at the side. People tell me it might be because everyone else is used to the class, but there are constantly new starts arriving so i must just be really unfit! It is either that, or my health is still not right. I have now been bleeding for 3 weeks. I could handle that. I told myself it was just my body getting over the latest problems but on Thursday things took a turn for the worst.
I had been having cramp and it got worse and worse. The strange thing was that it came and went every 2 minutes. But it wasn't just a little pain , i would go as far to describe it as agony. I had hot baths, used head pads and took all the pain relief i could find but nothing was working. In the end i told my mother that if I didn't know any better i would have said i was in labour. Well i wasn't far off. I was having contractions! i now sympathise with all women who have had kids. Obviously the pain is worth while once your little baby arrives, and i wont be ignorant enough to suggest my pain was at the same level, but I knew nothing was coming at the end of my ordeal. What killed the most was the back pain! Every 2 minutes I was rubbing my back furiously while moaning and wriggling around trying to find a comfortable position. I called an emergency doctor for advice and was told to just keep on taking pain relief and make an appointment with my doctor. At 6pm on Friday I gave birth to a tennis ball sized lump. I guess many people would have been freaked out by this but to be honest i felt relief! I knew i was right. I knew my body was trying to get rid of something. Sometimes it is better to go with your instincts cause I could tell my doctor didn't actually have a clue what was going on. I had been prescribed antibiotics in case I had an infection. I am hoping soooo much that this lump was the cause of the prolonged bleeding, the pain and other complications. I want to say that this should be the end of a nightmare journey but I think this so often and then something else happens to surprise me.
Scarier than this was what happened at the beginning of the week. I had mentioned briefly that i was having relationship problems and those problems came to a head at the start of the week. I have been through a lot of stress recently but this seemed to hit me far worse than before. On Monday after a long night of arguments and discussions I went to bed exhausted. For the first time in years I woke up feeling very anxious and uncomfortable. I tried to think of other things as a distraction but it didn't seem to work. The anxiety grew and before I knew it I was in the midst of a terrible panic attack. The panic probably peaked at a 9/10 but thankfully it went away quickly. What scared me most was the thoughts i was having. Very suddenly the thought of going out at all scared me. Not just going to the gym, or going to the supermarket, but actually leaving my house. Just the thought of it seemed impossible. My biggest fear that I would become housebound again. Of course with this in my head I felt even more anxious. Gerry was with me and managed to talk me down a little, but it just shows how long it has been since i have had to deal with this as Gerry has never seen me take a panic attack in a year and a half!
I felt extremely vulnerable and really didn't want to be alone. I told Gerry that he would need to expect changes. I imagined I would be very needy and clingy for a while as I didn't think i could cope without him. I literally couldnt imagine him leaving and going to work, i think if it had continued I would have made him call in sick! I cant explain how it felt all i know is that I was utterly desperate. It just took me right back to those years ago when I was at my worst and it scared me so much. I also wondered how on earth I ever got through it before.
This all took place at night and as soon as i woke up in the morning i said 'we need to go out'. I couldnt stay at home. No chance. If I had stayed home i would have sat around and worried, thinking over and over again about how my phobia was returning. I had to get right back out and face it. I think we only drove to my local shops but it was enough. I was pretty comfortable and had done enough to ease my mind a little but i had to do it everyday untill the fears had passed. Thankfully i think the fear has gone now. It just gave me renewed understanding and sympathy for those who are going through it right now, or who like me, have gone through it at all!
My routine has been messed up due to my little relapse and then the tummy troubles but I am hoping that I can FINALLY get back on track. I have missed the gym this week since I think i need to give my body a rest. but i hope that when i write again i will have much more positive news to share with you all. x


Louis said...

Good work on facing the panic Miss Lynn. It is small wonder you had a panic attack after all the worry and health issues frankly I would have expected one before this and much worse than you described. So, congratulations on your post and your handling of the panic very very good.

diver said...

Damn it Lynn, the universe just ain't giving you much peace this year is it - these health things have just been relentless :(

Sorry to hear about the stresses with Gerry too. It seems (to me anyway) that your psych recovery this year has been tied closely to all the love and hopes and plans you've been cultivating with Gerry. So having all that threatened, on top of the ongoing health stuff ... must have been very scary for you ma'am. I reckon it makes it all the more impressive therefore, the way you managed yourself in the face of that compounding crisis ... bravo!

Fingers crossed for some peace and harmony in your health and love life Lynn, and soon.

alice said...

hoping your feeling better soon lynn. x

MichelleBelle said...

Awww Lynn. Sad to read all this!
But i'm glad to see you are still getting out and working out! That is really can only help your anxiety level! (I need to work out, im so lazy)

It's interesting that your title of your post is PANIC RETURNS. That's how I feel about my life!!!! My panic and anxiety are at an all time high. I am currently seeing a new DR and on higher dosages of medications and new meds....UGH I feel like im an experiment.

Thanks for sharing your life....It makes me feel less alone in this world!

MichelleBelle said...

By the way....You look really beautiful! Love the dress!

lissylady67 said...

I must say you are a very brave and strong person to fight your fears. Where as if I feel a wave of panic if I am in a shop or somewhere I have to run and just can not deal with it. The panic feeling scares me so much