Monday, 26 October 2009

Have I Done Something Wrong?

Guess who is unwell again? Yes, it's me!

Seriously this is just getting ridiculous now ha. For the last 3 days I have had the cold but I would rather describe it as the flu! I'm sure its actually the flu!

I have stayed in bed most of the time but obviously each day I've gone out just to keep on top of things. I haven't been sleeping very well, and when I do, I wake up soaked with sweat. At least my body is fighting it.

Oh well, its not got me down or anything, but since I am in bed resting up I figured I would write a little post 'cough cough'.

The reporter who wants my story has been in touch a couple of times and she HAS interviewed me. But my decision wont be made until she reads me her story. I sense that she is trying to go in the direction of 'meeting Gerry made me better' and i wont be agreeing with that because it isn't true and it would misguide any agoraphobics reading the article. Are they going to start looking for love so that they can be cured? That's not what happened to me, so I will see what she comes back with. I did write about the article in the comments of my last post and what would make me want to go ahead with it.

Firstly, there are agoraphobics out there who don't have access to the Internet and who might stumble across the article and find some relief. To discover they are not alone and to see that change is possible. Secondly, They HAVE offered me money for the story. To be honest this is something i would NEVER have agreed to but I have debt! The money would take care of this debt and would mean that I could move into my new home debt free. Many people are encouraging me to go ahead with the article but somehow a part of me cant help feel like a sell out and if i really think about it, i don't want to do the article. I should mention that the money i owe... i owe to my mother, and I cant bear it. I want her taken care of so that she no longer has to worry. Also the coward of me thinks negatively. I live in small village where a lot of people know me, but to them I appear 'normal'. They have no idea of my story. I am sure many people would think my story is interesting, they might even sympathise that Ive had a tough time, but what about the small minded people who could see it? What if i get people whispering or even shouting 'weirdo' at me in the street. Yeh I am probably over thinking things a great deal. Chances are the article will appear in some little obscure magazine that no one from here will see, but you never know do you. Also Jason hit the nail on the head when he said he isnt defined my his agoraphobia and that is exactly how I feel. Yes it has been a big part of my life but there is so much more to me than that. So do i really want that label attached to me. Even writing this now I wonder if this is really worth all the hassle?? Its not at all... but then there is mum.

Having being stuck in bed for a few days I have had time to think about the past few years and I remembered how i felt when this all happened, or when I was having a particularly anxious time. Has anyone else ever wondered 'Have I done something wrong to deserve this'? What goes around comes around is what people say. Karma and all that. I used to wonder if this phobia was punishment for being a horrible selfish child. Or was it happening because I had lied before. Or cheated on a boyfriend when I was younger? I tried to turn this idea into a positive and say that this is happening for my future. This horrible affliction is actually making me a stronger, more empathetic person. And hopefully in time it will have equipped me with the tools to help other people in need, maybe that's why it happened? Just wondering.

Oh and the clocks changing. Does this only happen in the UK? Does anyone else dislike it? I know with anxiety people can dislike change... not being in control. I think it messes my routine. Its actually ridiculous but i take my medication every day at 2.00 on the dot. So the clock changing means i have to rethink this. Do i take it a 1 (since the clock went back an hour). or do i stick to 2.00, which means it is actually 3.00. Confusing? Its a total pain! I now take my meds at 1.30 haha. More to the point the clocks going back means that it gets dark earlier now. Darkness in Scotland seems to set in about 4.30 now. Great huh! I miss the sun!!!

Well i guess Ill be off again. Im reading 'The time travellers wife' and enjoying it so much. Usually i race through books in a couple of sittings but I am actually trying to take my time with this since i am enjoying the story. Hope you are all well.


Robert said...

I hope you get better soon!

And I agree with all that you said in your post.

Must look out for that book, or is it aimed at girls only?

Louis said...

Dear Friend,
No, you have done nothing wrong you know God doesn't work like that. And if you can take your faith and your strength he has given you and turn something bad into something to help your fellow man, then anything you get back from that effort is in my humble opinion a blessing from God and should be viewed as that instead of a sell out.
In addition you could be helping more people than you realize if your hometown friends see the story and they realize people with anxiety are not freaks, not weaklings,and not crazy. We have just had something in us that made us learn wrong and we had to overcome the wrong learning.
By the way if people treated you differently because of a magazine article it is their loss. And pats on the back etc. for making sure the author understands this is not about true love but about a human struggle that could affect anyone at anytime in life. Tell her I said so please.

David said...

I agree you only get agoraphobia to teach you something, not as a punishment. It forces us to understand a lot more about life than we ever could have without it.
You can't do any harm writing an article, the press don't usually write about it and the more it's public the less people will call us weird. I was before I got this but in a good way though.

Kaci said...

The time is changing here too soon and I am not looking forward to it! It gets dark around 4:30 :(

I've also been sick so i hope that you feel well soon.

Sometimes I have asked myself if I did something to deserve this but I don't think this is a helpful way of thinking about things. I read somewhere that everything is just neutral and we make things "good" or "bad" in our minds. What is good to one person may be bad to another. So i try to look at this experience as a lesson to teach me about myself and a way of helping me become the person I want to be.

Anonymous said...

Hi Lynn -
I have been suffering from agoraphobia for the past 5 months. I just found your blog today and I love it!! I hope you decide to publish your story. And, yes we change clocks in the US too ... it happens this coming weekend. Hope you are feeling better soon!

Laura said...

Lynn, I hope you do publish your story but make sure that the author gives you the credit for all the hard work you've done to overcome your fear.

diver said...

'... This horrible affliction is actually making me a stronger, more empathetic person. And hopefully in time it will have equipped me with the tools to help other people in need, maybe that's why it happened?'

Sure, that analysis sounds pretty good to me Lynn :)

Broadly, I'd agree with David: most mental health issues I think are part of some broader purposive process that's attempting to heal a person and teach them what their real values 'in life' are all about.

Anonymous said...

Dear Lynn,

I have just finished reading all your posts thus far and this is the first time I have commented and I have to say I love your blog. Its so open and honest and refreashing.

Keep up the good work & also I hope your feeling better.

I have recently started my own blog:

An account of my own battle with both anxiety & depression - Hope to speak soon & again keep up the good work with your blog! x

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