Jade

Jade Goody died on Sunday. We all knew it was coming and some of us watched her final journey but wasn't it awful that she passed on Mother's Day leaving 2 beautiful sons behind. I always liked Jade. Yes, she had a big mouth and was very loud but she came from nothing and made a fantastic life for herself and her sons. I was very sad to hear of her passing.

For month now we have all known it was inevitable but i was still shocked. She is so young and we feel like we know her somehow. I write because Jade has inspired so many young women to go for smear tests and in the process she will, no doubt, have saved many lives. She has given me the push i needed to go get it done. I am now 28 and have only ever been checked once and I think i was about 17. I receive letters constantly telling me I am due for a test but I have never been able to get there. In the past my mother and I have fought to have a doctor or nurse come to the house and do it here. Unfortunately we were always told it wasn't possible. In the past this was available but the service has since stopped, the reason being that there isn't good enough lighting. Well i can provide a miners helmet or a torch lol. I just think that if the test is so important they should be able make some exceptions but obviously this isn't going to happen. Anyway... Thank you Jade. My thoughts are with her and her family and I will get my test done asap.

Feelings can be hard to explain

I wrote my last post pretty quickly as I felt it was time for a catch up but to be honest I thought it was a bit of a rubbish ramble. The car is good news, yes! Also for my first car i am extremely proud of it. It is old but when the sun is out and you take the top down it is quite impressive to me. I have been out washing and hoovering her. Making her look pretty, but driving it is still beyond me for now.

I say i am confused as this week I have been feeling a bit....hmmm.... flat?

I am doing well, this is true. But you know when you have agoraphobia you go out and do something new and you get that BUZZ! You feel so proud of yourself and your excited and buzzing and ready for the next challenge (well not at that point but soon you will try some more lol). This week though I have been keeping up my little tasks, walking to places I hadn't reached in years but the buzz has gone. I have noticed that when i achieve these things I don't get that BUZZ and its kind of disappointing. I know that feeling wouldn't last forever. Maybe I have taken the same routes so many times that it is no longer a big accomplishment?

After the panic attack I had when i was out the other day I was determined to walk to the shops again, to prove to myself that it hadn't put me off the way it would have done in the past. I have been there everyday now and I get no buzz. But then on top of this I have just felt a bit BLAH.

Perhaps it is hormones? I know some females say they can be more anxious at a certain time of the month (sorry guys), but it hasn't been anxiety just BLAH, boredom maybe!

I avoided talking about this in my last post as I didn't want anyone to think i am all down and depressed and on a downward slope. I am still very happy and positive but this weird thought comes into my mind. We live as agoraphobics and we dream of a better life. We dream of the day that we can get out there and live a life with no barriers, where we can do whatever we want, whenever we want. I think in our minds some of us may think that when we achieve this goal we will be completely happy. But what if we achieve all this and still feel a bit BLAH?

I think this feeling I am having is due to being a bit annoyed with myself. Although I stick to my routine everyday and never miss any of my tasks i am still not getting as far as I want to. I am still in my town. Still not at Gerry's house. But as the summer approaches I tell myself I will get out there in the sunshine and continue to fight..have some patience. Look how far you have come Lynn!... but BLAH!!!!

Am i making sense haha???

On Friday though I went and picked Luke up from school and the feeling passed. He smiled and i was happy again. I remember I am only 28, I have a fiance i adore, and hopefully I will have my own son or daughter in the next few years. There is much to look forward to, and if i fight hard enough then I have the world at my feet. My plan career wise is to get into Nursing. It may be a pipe dream at the moment but I have been told my so many people that I would be ideal for counselling or working in health care. It is good to have ambitions isn't it.

Today I was out all day in the sun. Walking and driving with Gerry and then he told me that I could drive us home. Well i drove in a straight line. Managed to stall the car twice, which i have NEVER done. He told me I drove worse than his granny and when I got out of the drivers seat i left the car in gear and it kangaroo jumped away from me. Is it possible that the more your practice the WORSE you can get lol

My New Car and other News

Feels like I haven't written in ages! Ive actually not been online very much which is why there has been a lack of blogging and 'twittering'.

Above is my new car and may i add, my first car. A friend of mine offered me it for free and I happily accepted. Its an older car as you can probably see but its shiny and convertible and mine mine mine! I do love it but there is a small set back... I don't actually have a driving licence. Perhaps i was a little hasty in taking up his offer but there was method to my madness. I have has quite a lot of driving lessons but unfortunately i was taking them around the time that I first started to suffer with panic attacks. Just as the time was approaching for me to sit my test I gave up the lessons all together. I often wonder if my life would have turned out differently if i had been able to drive, but my guess is that i would still have ended up agoraphobic anyway.

So with the new car i plan on getting back on the road. I will go out with my mum and get my confidence back up and hopefully ....eventually, be able to put in for my test. In the meantime i took the car for my mums benefit also. She past her test years ago and it gave her a fantastic life and she was often popping out here, there and everywhere. Then she got a new car which was an automatic. Unfortunately, after driving an automatic car for years she lost the confidence to drive a manual car. Now i think she has built it up so much in her own head that she gets very nervous at the thought of it. Now with the new car i am hoping she will get back out there and practice. I'm sure she will be out and about in no time.

I have been to the pub for the last 3 weekends in a row. I don't have much else to add about this. I suppose i should be proud and look at the comparison to my life a year ago... or even just at New Year. When I went to the pub at New Year i was quite uptight, but now when i go I am pretty calm. So this is good!

My walking is still going fantastically. I have walked to the shops regularly since i last post and I still cant believe some of the places I'm finding myself. Last week i got a bit of a scare though. While walking home from the shops i suddenly started to panic. It came out of the blue and caught me totally off guard. I was on the phone to my friend and suddenly felt really dizzy. I told myself to focus on her voice and just ignore these feelings but they got worse and i found myself thinking 'i am really far from home, it's going to take me at least 15 minutes to get back and i really don't like this'. I tried again to focus on my friends voice but as the anxiety hit me again I started to run. As I got closer to home it passed and instead of going home i took another route and continued my walk. It did scare me though. I have been back to the shops and have walked that way since. I wanted to be sure i didn't start avoiding it cause that is how the problems start isn't it. Anyway I have went walking everyday as per usual and tell myself that I will not let that hinder me. It is not always easy though.

I've been on more drive's, one with Gerry which resulted in ANOTHER fight ha, sometimes I feel like i am ready to take big leaps and other times I am not so confident but all i know is that i just have to keep on trying. Dentist tomorrow, Hairdresser Thursday, Kids at the weekend. Trying to keep busy but lately I feel completely exhausted. I am sleeping a lot but i could sleep so much more. Maybe I need vitamins??? Oh well I will go for now and Ill be back all upbeat and positive but right now i just need sleep. Hope you are all well x

The Boy In The Striped Pajamas

I have had a very relaxing night and decided to spend it reading my new book. 2 Hours later I have finished. 'The Boy In the Striped Pajamas' was excellent. At first I thought it was a children's book because of the way it is written but i quickly realised this was because it is a child telling the story.

On the back of the book it says 'Usually we give some clues about the book on the cover, but in this case we think that would spoil the reading of the book. We think it is important that you start to read without knowing what it is about'

So for that reason I wont say anything more about it, only that i recommend it... and don't go googling it to find out what its about either haha. I actually had an idea of the story before reading and I can see why NOT knowing would have perhaps been better. And now i am off to watch the movie lol. If you have already read it i am interested to hear your comments (though don't give the story away ha)

Response to my letter and Twitter

Within an hour of me emailing the letter below I received a phone call from the benefit agency. Was I a tad harsh? I actually feel a bit bad about it now, I hope i didnt come across as rude. The women basically apologised and fell over herself to help me. She admitted that they don't want to look as though they haven't handled this case properly and has now offered me a home visit. Honestly she could not have been nicer. She has now even said that the doctors letter isn't important and that we will 'work something out'. I just feel bad for the people who may not have spoken up and who may have forced themselves through a very uncomfortable interview. To the people who DO make themselves face those kind of situations, i have nothing but respect!

It seems there is a new internet craze in the UK at the moment. Twitter! I don't know if this is a world wide thing but i have seen it mentioned all over the place in the last few days. So jumping on the Twitter bandwagon I have signed myself up. If anyone wants to add me I am @lynnie81. I may write little updates about how my tasks are going or what I am doing, more so than I would on the blog. Wouldn't it be dull if i popped on here constantly saying.. i walked to a lamppost.. i walked to the shop...

So I hope to see you there, it will be cool to see what you are up to.

P.s = Twitter updates now appear on the right hand side of the blog, with thanks to Nechtan. Technology today heh!

Benefits Agency

I am a bit p*****d off at the moment. I just had the benefit agency back on the phone about my appointment. I explained the girl on the phone that I am getting a doctors letter and was advised that this would be enough, however, the girl on the phone was very rude and told me that this wasn't good enough. I basically told her that there is nothing I can do but send in the doctors letter but when i came off the phone i emailed the benefits agency direct....

I am writing regarding my appointment on Tuesday. I can't remember the exact time of the appointment. I think it is around 3pm. I explained to the women who called me that I would be unable to attend the interview due to my agoraphobia. Although she did try to arrange ways of me getting there I explained that, for the moment, this is beyond me. I haven't left my town in over 5 years. The only way I imagine being able to make the appointment would be in the company of a nurse or if i was sedated. I do not see myself being in a calm enough state to get to your office, let alone sit through an interview, no matter how quickly it was conducted.

I am however worried now. I have received another call and the girl on the phone didn't seem very pleasant. I know that many people don't have a great understanding of agoraphobia but I can spend a lot of my days very anxious and the phone calls have made me very uncomfortable indeed. I explained that my doctor is writing me a letter which will be handed into your office asap. I would have liked the letter to be handed in BEFORE the above appointment but unfortunately my doctor cant have it done so quickly. The first person I spoke to told me that this would be fine and would mean my benefits would not be affected. The girl who called today made it sound like I will probably lose my benefits as this letter doesn't cover me.

I thought that things were improving for people with mental health problems. I am upset and feel under a great deal of pressure because of all this. I understand completely that there are people out there who DO make fraudulent claims and that the benefit agency need to investigate everybody, but what can I do if i physically cannot get to the job centre. Who can I contact about this? Obviously I have spoken to the job centre and someone from your team but would i be better to phone Cadogan Street direct?

I look forward to any advice. In the current climate I cannot afford to lose my benefits which only just get me by as it is. I can provide letters from my doctor, my occupational therapist and other members of the CPN group. I am very upset on behalf of all agoraphobics who will be put through this and myself and my doctor are curious as to why a home visit hasn't been arranged? My assessment and medical took place in my home the last time and in the words of the man who carried out my medical 'I was completely entitled' being as I CANNOT go out (as much as i would love to) and CANNOT use transport to get me out of my own town, and haven't done for 5 years. Doing so would cause me a great deal of distress and I think it is extremely unfair that I am being asked to do this by someone who obviously doesn't understand the condition very well.

I ask for you help in this matter and really hope there is a solution. Any advice is very welcome.

____________________________________________________________________

Now having just written that letter the next part of my post may seem bizarre. I am saying to these people that I can't go out, which is true to an extent, but you guy's know I am working very hard at changing this. Unfortunately just because I can go a daily walk, or a drive around the local streets, it does not mean that I can now go out and get a job... wow i wish i could!!!

This is just a little update on my weekend. On Saturday night I did manage to get to the pub again. I went there with my brother and his girlfriend and ended up being invited into the function suite where a leaving party was being held. It was good i guess, i was proud and happy that I had made myself go instead of sitting at home, which i am much more used to doing. Of course I am trying to make this less of a habit. A few things i have noticed now though... I knew I had went off alcohol, in the past i enjoyed a drink and liked the feeling of being 'merry' but as the years have passed I am now less inclined to drink. I said before that I thought this might be because I don't like to feel a loss of control, but it is also because it would tend to guarantee a panic attack the next day. So on Saturday night i decided to face this little problem and got myself a vodka. I drank it pretty quick and felt it go straight to my head. I ordered the second and this time was more reluctant to drink it. I left it on the bar for quite a while, while i went and chose some songs on the juke box etc, but then when i finally went back to it my little anxious head wasn't up for it anymore. This time my mind was saying 'what if someone has put something in your drink'?. Young women are always told to keep an eye on their drinks, and it is probably unlikely that anyone would do that in my local pub but stranger things have happened and so the drink went untouched and I moved on to cokes. Has anyone else ever thought this way lol

The only other things i noticed on the night was that my conversation skills are seriously lacking! I used to chat away with strangers, made them laugh, i thought i was pretty funny before ha, but now i seem to dry up a bit. I guess it is down to years of being a home alone at the weekends. I am not worried about it though, as the night went on i did get a bit better at it and i think the more im in this situation the easier i will find the chatting. My only complaint about this night was when I bumped into people who DO know about my agoraphobia and the would look at me and tilt their head to the side and say 'aww its nice to see you, how are you feeling, are you ok'. I know they are only being nice but i felt about 10 years old. Inside i felt very strong and like i totally belonged there but then these people made me feel like i was a little delicate child who needed her hand held. Anyway thats not a criticism of their behaviour, just thought i would explain how i felt in case any of you had felt it too.

Anyway back to the above letter and situation, its really bothered me because now that I am going out I feel like I need to justify myself. 'Yes sir i can go out but only a little bit, Yes madam i have been out driving but im really not that good at it'. In the past I told myself.. ok I have only walked to the bottom of the street but WOW well done me!! Pat on the back. Happy face, i'd be bussing etc, but now im having to flip it round and made it sound like a negative to these people (where i know i am doing bloody well) . I think i may be ranting now and probably making no sense lol. Arrgghh, i am just going to forget about it and keep up with my work. If i lose my money so be it, my health and beating my agoraphobia is much more important. I have Luke's first communion coming up in future and am looking to book a meal in a restaurant for Gerry and I. Both big tasks which i am looking to take on over the coming months.

Agoraphobia Statistics & fighting my corner

My friend just brought the following website to my attention -

http://www.wrongdiagnosis.com/a/agoraphobia/stats-country.htm

Apparently this shows the numbers of people who suffer from agoraphobia all over the world. I am shocked! Also he pointed out that this is just the recorded cases so imagine how many more there are!

Anyway thank you everyone for the comments about my new teeth. I have to say that Melissa shocked me by saying my picture made her want to get her teeth whitened again. I have never thought of my teeth as very white. I think the flash on that picture just done me a lot of favours haha. In the past i did use Crest Whitestrips for whitening and I would recommend them but don't think i will be able to use them much longer as they don't work on veneers and that's what ill be getting next. Oh well, no biggy.

I have had a fantastic week, well Sunday and Monday weren't that great actually. I was very anxious Sunday night/Monday morning. And my anxiety seems to be much worse if I don't know what is causing it. If i know i am over tired or have the flu, i accept the anxiety and can cope ok, but when it comes without warning (as it so likes to do) it can give me a bit of a fright. So that was the situation at the start of the week but luckily i forced myself out on my daily walk on Monday morning and it soon passed and so far has not returned.

The rest of the week was spent pushing the walks further and this has been a great success, once again I noticed that I am more and more comfortable doing this and can only put it down to the fact I do it daily and has become part of my routine. Now and then my old way of thinking kicks in when i attempt something new and tells me 'you shouldn't really be doing this' but most of the time I am able to ignore this and plod on anyway.

It is Friday night just now and I am pretty beat. I have had my friends dog everyday and as much as I love him he is very demanding. Our walks are great fun and I am enjoying the exercise but he is such a little attention seeker. He produces his paw constantly and gives me his sad eyes which tells me he wants petted and this goes on pretty much all day until he goes home. I admit i am getting pretty attached to him. Tomorrow night I am off out to the pub again. Is this becoming a regular haunt for me? Nah not really, it is just close to home and gets me out of the house. I am going with my sister in law and am actually looking forward to it. My confidence continues to grow.

This week i received a call about the benefit money I receive. At the moment I claim Incapacity Benefit and have done for several years. I think every year or so the big wigs have a look at your claim and want proof that you are still entitled to claim. I understand this and agree with it fully as i am sure there are many people out there with nothing wrong with them who are making fraudulent claims... but of course there are many people, like myself, who rely on this helping hand.

So this women called my house to tell me I need to attend an interview to assess my case. My mum answered the phone and explained that I was in bed and may be sleeping as I had just been to the dentist. Well this was a mistake. The women came on the phone and told me that since i had been to the dentist, I could obviously get out of the house and therefor i MUST attend my interview or my money will be stopped. I just went along with her and made the appointment with no intention what so ever of attending. The interview will take place in a completely different town from where I live. I was pretty tired when she called so I really wasn't in the mood to get into it. I did TRY to explain that i wouldn't make it but she just told me that I could get a taxi and they would pay for it. Oh well that makes it ok doesn't it. Ill be there with bells on... NOT!

So the following morning a bit more refreshed I called the women up. I explained that I would not be attending the interview, regardless of how quickly she can take me through it, regardless of her providing a taxi, what she was asking of me was NOT POSSIBLE. I explained to her that Yes, I HAD been to the dentist, but it is close to home, has taken me several years to get there and under no circumstances would i be putting myself in a hugely uncomfortable situation just for her to tick some boxes on a form. I also explained how i am trying very hard to get better, that I see an occupational therapist to get me used to going on car journeys but for the time being i would not be venturing to her office. I was angry that this women sitting behind a deak thought she could tell me what I am able to do. So because I can go to a local dentist, can I now travel the length and breadth of the country. No! Well she wasn't very impressed with me and she wasn't exactly pleasant either. She told me that I would need to get a letter from my doctor stating that I couldn't attend but she also advised me that my doctor probably wouldn't be willing to do this. I called my doctor and was asked why they are not willing to make a house visit. I told them a house visit wasn't offered and within 5 minutes my doctor had written up a letter to explain agoraphobia and say I wouldn't be attending. This letter was exactly what I needed and my benefit money will continue as normal. I hope no one thinks that I took the easy way out. I think that I stuck up for myself and felt really happy with the result. I am doing very well recently and the last thing i need is a traumatic car journey where I will associate being in the car with the panic i exterienced, i have only just began to associate being outdoors as being enjoyable again. I am not willing to sacrafice my hardwork for someone who knows nothing about our condition. But the moment I feel I am ready to attend such interviews, I will be there.

Lynn 1 - Women on the phone 0

(isn't my art work fabulous, I'm sure those muscly boxers will love what i have done to them)