The Past week & Road Rage

Something I said in my last post really bothered me. I ended by saying 'Why didn't I do this sooner'? Ok I am enjoying getting out and about, but I was annoyed at saying that as there are some people who are reading this who still may be housebound. I thought it might have sounded patronising in some way. I know why I didn't do it sooner... I wasn't ready! I was reminded of this on the day after I wrote the post. I couldn't sleep that night, i think my mind was in a spin what with the dentist and then the drive at night. I felt that old anxiety coming back again. I tried to ignore it but Gerry was here so it was hard. Usually when I feel that way, I will just occupy myself but as Gerry was trying to sleep and we were lying in the dark I found it difficult. In the end I got up out of bed and found something to do. The next morning I awoke to the same nervous feeling. Obviously I have been reporting lots of progress in the last few months but I don't want people to think I'm kidding myself. I am aware that I could relapse, I know I may be fighting with my nerves for life, but maybe, just maybe, I can beat it all together.

I kept thinking about that post...why didn't i do it sooner? People always told me that you must WANT to get better and my reply was always 'i DO'. Looking back now i don't think I had the hunger that I have now. The ambition. My life was comfortable. It might not have been very exciting but it was safe and I was content. A combination of things has brought about my new way of thinking, my determination. I put it down to Gerry, my age (as i want to have freedom for my 30s which are fast approaching), my Paul McKenna download, the diary which i write in daily and my homeopathic medicine. I need to remind myself that this is the best I have ever done since i got agoraphobia. In the past I may have pushed the boundaries and ended up walking or perhaps going to the local pub to socialise, but I NEVER made appointments at the dentist, never went in a car and never really looked to the future. I knew i wanted to meet someone, move house and have kids, but when i imagined it, i couldn't really see it. Now though, when I think of those things, i can see it is very possible and this has given me my hunger. So I hope that I did not sound patronising. Of course we all wish we could be 'fixed' and get ourselves out there, but for a lot of years it just wasn't my time, i don't think it was my time. It took a lot of panic attacks, a lot of thinking and a lot of learning and acceptance to get where i am today.

Anyway..... the past week has been great. Yes the anxiety returned for a few hours, but It didn't escalate to full blown panic. I have been out in the car, out walking as per usual. On Saturday I went to the local church sale with my 2 nephews as you can see in the picture. My mum makes the most beautiful home made cards and sells them at events such as the one in the church, or in local community centres. As she has been struggling with her nerves lately, I said I would go as support. My nephews, like all kids, love to buy lots of old rubbish, so I knew they would enjoy a trip around the stalls. They bought old teddies, videos and bizarrely a fondue set (strange? melted chocolate and marshmallows mmm maybe not so strange). I then spent the rest of the day at home with them.

Scotland has a reputation for bad, cold weather. Although we do get rain a lot, surprisingly we have seen very little snow in the past few years. I remember one day of snow last year which didn't even settle on the ground but today within 10 minutes of starting the ground was beautiful white. I decided to take myself out for a walk which I really enjoyed. The place looks so much nicer in the snow.

When I got home from my walk, i gave the doctor's a quick call. I mentioned a long time ago that I am a smoker. Lately I have been smoking really heavily and I actually wondered if this is anything to do with the homeopathic remedy. The women who gave me it always asks if my appetite has changed while taking the medicine, and while my appetite for food has remained the same, my appetite for cigarettes has not. Even as I smoke one I crave the next. No matter how much I smoke, it never seems enough and I want more and more and more. I have never really wanted to quit smoking because, as much as it is bad for me, i really enjoy it. Also my excuse has always been 'i think smoking is the least of my worries, I have bigger issues to deal with'. At the rate in which I am going I will finally be agoraphobia free and will be diagnosed with lung cancer! So today I called the doctor to see if they can give me patches. I know you need to WANT to quit in order to kick your habit but for now I would just be happy to cut down....by a lot! At the moment I smoke about 20 a day...possible more (i know its disgusting) but i would like to get down to 5 a day....and then eventually quit. Maybe I am deluded and this isn't the right method, but it is a step in the right direction considering in the past i was happy to puff away giving no thought to my lungs or anything else for that matter.

Something else happened this week that I am very angry about. In the past I have mentioned my nephew Luke who means the world to me. More like my little brother, Luke and I are extremely close. So I was very angry when he arrived on Saturday very distressed. It turned out that on the way to our house there was a bit of a problem with his mum. While driving Luke's mum Fiona noticed a girl in the car behind her waving and shouting to get her attention. Fiona, not really thinking about it, pulled up the car to see what the problem was. The girl then, charged out of her car towards Fiona's window, screaming and cursing about some driving manover Fiona had made. Fiona asked her to calm down as she had her kids in the car, Luke, and her baby daughter Charis. The girl had no interested but proceeded to open Fiona's door, pull her from the car, and beat her up. The kids were screaming and crying as their mother lay on the ground with this mad women on top of her. Fiona said her only concern at the time was for her kids naturally and just wanted to get the women off! Thankfully some passer's by got involved and it took 2 men to pull the girl off of Fiona. No wonder Luke was distressed when he arrived at my house. Can you imagine seeing that happen to your mother? I am glad to say that Fiona has reported this to the police and It looks like they know exactly who the girl is. I am just shocked. Fiona said her driving was totally fine, the girl must have only been about 23 and was on her own. What kind of person starts a fight in the street and more importantly, who would do that to a mother infront of her kids? Anyway Fiona is charging her with assault so hopefully there will be some justice.

So that's what I have been up to since my last post. Gerry and I are back on brilliant terms and I feel extremely happy with the way things are going. We get on so well and are so happy together and I think thats why I take the arguements so badly, as it is such a huge contrast to how we usually are. I have the dentist on Wednesday and this is when the real work will begin... I won't lie, I am nervous. But I will go and I know i will be buzzing afterwards from another success. I will use all my saftey behaviours to get me there no doubt, for example, telling myself that even if I am 'mid-drill' and feel I need to leave, i will! Simple as that. Oh a bit of bad news is that Gerry's car is acting up. It goes into the garage tomorrow to hopefully get fixed but it means that in the meantime I cant get out and work on the distance I am travelling and only now as i type this am i realising that it might not be ready in time to take me to the dentist on Wedneaday.. hmmmm I better start looking for a new chauffeur.

My Project

This is a very random post and in no way associated to my agoraphobia, but i recently tried my hand at making a little wedding DVD for a friend and I am quite proud of the results. The video itself is quite long so I don't expect you to sit through it, especially since you don't know anyone in it but i thought I would share it non the less.

I have tried to tell the story of Brian & Fiona's wedding day using pictures, music, titles and video effects. On the whole I think it works well and am now considering a career as a videographer haha Not quite!

Aww Just watched the clips and for some reason it hasnt transfered well at all. It shows pics upside down and only show 3 minutes, AND you didn't even see the bride. Oh well you get the jist.

Appointment Success & other news

Yey me!!! Today was doom's day. My first appointment anywhere in years. Anytime I have had an appointment in the past 3 or more years, they have been home visits. I don't seem to cope very well when I have commited myself to something. I guess it's just the pressure of knowing you HAVE to be there and also the days and days of thinking about it leading up to the date. In the past I always made appointments and either cancelled them or just didn't show up. A sign of my agoraphobia setting in i suppose.

Last night I was thinking about the dentist and I felt a little nervous. I really couldn't imagine going, sitting in a waiting room and it seemed completely beyond me that I would sit in a dentist chair after over 10 years since my last appointment. What if I am left waiting and the anxiety takes over?, what if i am too nervous and babble on about my panic attacks,? what if I just need to walk out? I told myself that if I needed to get up and leave, no matter what was happening, i would just go! This morning I woke up and I felt calm. I know that THINKING about something is usually much worse than actually doing it. My friend was driving me and a part of me was hoping she would sleep in so that I couldnt go and also couldnt be to blame for not being there. However, Angela was on time (for once haha)

I had the usual filling in of forms to keep me busy when i first arrived but on the whole i was totally fine. I sat chatting away with Angela and when my name was called I happily made my way to the dentists room. I was surprised the women remembered me but she did and took one look at my teeth and pulled a face. Not a good face! Well that was a confidence booster haha. I chatted with her and explained it had been over 10 years since i last seen a dentist and told her this was because I USED TO BE agoraphobic. It is weird because I know i still have my phobia but within my safety zone i am completely 'normal' and genuinely don't feel agoraohobic at all (this does come and go though). After our chat I let her get on with her work and I lay there thinking... I am in a dentist. I am lying here and I never thought i would see the day I could do this. Although today was just a check up i noticed lots of squares on the ceiling and thought...those will come in handy when i come in for my treatment, the real tough part, as i will be able to count them to distract myself if I get anxious.

I need A LOT of work done! I knew that would be the case. She X-rayed my whole mouth but i didn't find out the results. I was just told to make my next appointment and that is set for next Wednesday. As much as I enjoyed it, and felt proud, i did hope the appointment wouldnt be so soon haha. But i think i might actually be ok.

Tonight I went out in the car and I pushed myself further. I was with the beloved Gerry and we made it to the chapel again. This time instead of heading home we went in the opposite direction. I felt like I was miles away from home at this point but I would say i was still quite calm. We made it into the main part of my village and seconds away from that BIG round-a-bout that I am heading for. After that we made the trip a second time and I added another route on going further again. As i got to the furthest point I got uptight. I wanted him to turn the car and go back the way we had come, but in my head I couldnt see him turning quickly enough for my liking.... so i screamed LEFT instead. On turning left i calmed down. Even though i was on a new road and passing streets I havent seen in years.

In a way I think it must be fun for the person who takes an agoraphobic out. Not when they are panicking of course, but when they are seeing new things. When we turned left I suddenly shouted 'WHAT IS THAT'. I probably haven't been in this part of my town in about 5 years, now there are fancy new flats, a skateboarding park and lots of other new developments that I knew nothing about. I get very excited when i see this stuff and it must be like a child seeing snow for the first time!

Being agoraphobic has definately made me appreciate life a lot more. In the past I was forever taking things for granted. Now it amazes me how little it takes to amuse me on a day out. I went to the dentist today and i ENJOYED it. After that I went to the shops, the post office and ran some errands but to me this was just brilliant. I randomly seen a horse and cart go through our village, a very rare sight, but one that i appreciated and babbled on about when returning home.

I have spent so many years cooped up in my room looking at nothing but 4 walls and a television. Today I saw a horse! Am I making any sense? It just give's me such pleasure. The only thought's causing me anxiety are...what if i suddenly go back to how i was but more importantly...why didn't i do this sooner!

Mum

My Parents


Life has a way of landing all problem's on your plate at one time. Thing's have been tough this week as you know but I am very proud to say I am totally back to how i was. The anxiety has gone and I have been going on long walks and have been back out driving again. I think it is a great sign to see how quickly I got back on my feet.

Whenever I have had problem's in the past the first post of call has always been my mother. She is my mother, my safe person and my best friend. I am lucky in that I have a fantastic relationship with my mum and we can talk about everything and anything. Sadly though my mum is going through a tough time. This week I made sure that although I was having a problems, I needed to keep her completely out of it. For the past few weeks my mum has been battling with demon's of her own.

I think my mum has always struggled with her nerves and has had to deal with bouts of depression. If anxiety can be passed on in the gene's well I would say that I have taken it from my mums side. At the moment she is going through a major depression and I am doing everything I can to help. I used to make my daily walk alone but now i make sure that my mum comes with me. I think the walk and the fresh air does her good. It is a struggle, I want to lift the cloud that is over her head but right now I feel helpless. I suspect that all i can do is support her and give it time. I worry because the doctors are doing what they always do.... throwing all manner of drugs her way. She has her anti-depressants. They gave her a beta blocker, tamazipam and Valium. Some day's she is fine and seems to be coming through it and then on other days, like today, she just sits and cries.

I guess I am looking for advice. Is there something I am missing here? I tell her to rest while I take care of the house. I try to make the meals and settle her on the sofa to watch movies and relax. I take her walks, i sit with her, keeping her company when she doesn't want to be alone and I talk to her about what is causing her unhappiness. At the moment the source of the problem is a combination of things. Her step mother died a few months ago and although they weren't close, she worries about her father who has been left to fend for himself at 75 years of age. Her friend likes to have a drink on a Saturday night and sometimes turns up at our house. Being a non drinker my mum doesn't have issues with alcohol but she worries that on one of her friends walks to our house she might fall. Her friend is in her late 60s and can get into a pretty bad state when she's been drinking on her own. My mum takes on everyone problems and when she can't solve them she can get very upset.

The final problem is probably the one that has had a more lasting effect. My dad was made redundant a few months ago. We have never struggled so much with money in all our years as a family and this has been a tough time. It has gotten so bad at times that we have literally had no money in our wallets and have struggled to make ends meat. This week I have offered to pay for the family food shopping, which I have never had to do, but feel it is the least I can do to help. On a postive note I think that she may start to get better soon. My dad initally contacted the job centre when he lost his job and they told him that he was entitled to about £70 a week (around $50) to support himself and my mum. This doesn't even cover the mortgage. It has been an absolute joke to be honest. The good news is that the job centre have put him on a course where he will get his license for driving heavy goods vehicles. Having been in the building trade all his days, I think a nice driving job would be a welcome change. He is in his 50s now and the last thing he needs is the heavy duty back breaking work that he is used to. This also came as good news as we didn't really know WHAT he should do. Where does a man in his 50s turn when he has only ever known one career, has no computer skills etc. Something else i found very VERY difficult at this time was job hunting. Everyday I would be online looking for any new vacancies. I typed him up a CV and applied for jobs left right and centre. That was the easy part. The hard part was trying to convince companies that at 54 year old my dad isnt 'past it'. He has worked so hard to provide for us and ,in all his years in building, probably only had 2 or 3 days off due to sickness. This is my dad's role within our family. It may be old fashioned but he is very much the head of the house, the bread winner. To see him struggle was heartbreaking. He would go to the pub at the weekend and come home looking totally bewildered. I think it is the first time I have ever seen my dad looking frightened. Thank goodness he went on the driving course. The course ends in February and I have been online looking for HGV jobs already. And guess how many I have found??....None! I havent had the heart to tell him that yet. We will cross that bridge when February comes.

So what is the answer? I do see a light at the end of the tunnel, I do see her improving. I have explained to her that although she has bad days, the good days she is having are becoming more and more regular. Surely this is a good sign. What a pair my mother and I make haha. Both caring for each other. I just feel a little helpless.... suggestions???

********

Would you believe that about 5 minutes after I posted this my mothers friend turned up at the door pissed as a fart! She hasnt done this in weeks. What a day for her to choose. Thankfully it went ok. I actually find her very funny so we had a little drink with her then I walked her home and got her into bed. Now it is my turn to sleep! x

New Template

When women go through relationship problems it is common for them to change their hairstyle or to go on a diet. I have decided to change my template. Radical huh lol.

This is just a quick update really. After saying I wouldn't let the last few day's bring me down, I have to admit that they did have a negative effect on me. I have been feeling.... 'fragile', 'vulnerable'? Just a bit low really. I also felt anxiety but stayed focused and knew it would pass. Thankfully after a day of wallowing I feel my old confidence returning. I have forced myself to keep up with my routine, although in all honesty, I just felt I had no energy. Today I had a relaxing bath and then went a walk. Getting some fresh air really does help, and since then I've felt much better.

The dentist rang this morning saying there was a problem with my appointment and it had to be rescheduled for next Wednesday. This was a blessing as I was still feeling wobbly. The appointment was for 9.45 but I'm no use in the mornings. I need a good hour for my body to begin functioning so the appointment next week is a 12 which is a far more suitable time for me.

Thank you everyone once again for your kind comments and words of advice. The crisis is now over and I am back on form. I guess the fact I got through this in 1 day is fantastic. In the past i could have ended up wallowing in bed for 2 weeks! This time I couldn't risk that happening and needed to get back out there again.

I actually dread telling you this people and do feel ashamed, but after a long think, the ring is back on my finger. Gerry and I met today and talked thing's through. I am still not happy about what happened and there will defo not be a wedding date getting booked any time soon, but I am willing to give it one last try. G knows it is now make or break. If that same argument arises again it will be time to call it a day. We have planned several drives over the next week and Gerry has said that wherever I want to go is fine with him, he will keep his mouth firmly shut! I do feel a lot less pressure now and the argument had one benefit in that it made us really talk about my agoraphobia. I don't think i took the time to REALLY explain how it affects me every day of my life.

I know many of you will think I am making a mistake. Maybe i have even thought that myself. All i know is that i feel it is worth one more try. Our talk seems to have make him understand things much better and I think if i was to call it all off now, i could regret it in the future. At the end of the day I love him, he is good to me (most of the time) and we were happy before all of this. All relationships have their ups and downs and, at times, need to be worked on so we will see how things go from here.

Facebook

Hey guy's I have joined Facebook. I have been a member of these sites in the past and for whatever reason, deleted my account. Now I am back on facebook and would love to add you as a friend. I love seeing the picture's of people I spend time talking to and write this blog for. Obviously my name on their is Lynn Jackson but i am not sure If it is easier to search for me with my email address. The address I use for this is Lynn-jackson@hotmail.com. Leave me your details as a comment and Ill get on to adding you.

Oops

I am totally mortified about my last post! I think I was a tad emotional at the time ha. I considered removing it all together but I think I will leave it for anyone else you may be dealing with the same problem. I'm sure I am not alone in this. However, i was in a bit of a fragile state and probably not in the best frame of mind to go off on a rant. In saying that, I did have every right to be upset due to the treatment I had received.

Today I am ok. I eventually passed out through sheer exhaustion I think. I woke up this morning to several missed calls, texts and an envelope through my door. The envelope contained a letter, my bracelet and my ring.

I have always known that Gerry can be selfish, and stubborn....and rude, but I accepted him warts and all. Just as I myself would like to be accepted. He make me feel loved, happy, safe, content, secure... but that's on the good days. Unfortunately he has no idea how to deal with my agoraphobia. In his letter he accepts that he was wrong. He apologises and says that I have been doing fantastic regardless of what he may have said through anger. He has said that he would rather be with me than without me and that he doesn't want us to talk about me moving in anymore. He explains that he wanted me to move in with him so much that it became his priority, and although I was getting out, he just couldn't accept that i wasn't getting closer to his house. He now wants me to do it my way and for him to just support what I am able to do. He said he will be happy that I am getting out at all, regardless of where I go.

I feel bad that I have broadcast such a personal fight. Something that should be part of our private lives I guess. But as i said, i will keep it there. The emails and comments I have received since I wrote the post have totally blown me away. I am extremely touched and grateful for all the advice. Every single person who has left a comment has been completely right in what they have said and I agree with them 100%.

Now it is my time to think. Can I really see a future? At the moment we are no longer together, and i know that may be for the best but i also I know that I have to look at it from Gerry's perspective and realise how hard this must be for him. How frustrating! But I have taken the time to explain it better than I ever did. Gerry didn't realise the battles I face every day. He didn't know that although I might not have made it to his house yet, or any really great distance, that i have made progress on so many different levels.

Before I met him i was in hibernation...12 months a year. I had no routine. I could go days without bothering to wash or dress. I just existed. In the past 6 months I have gained determination and focus....could this be down to him? I think it is mostly me but I cant deny he has had an input. I am now up early everyday, I wash (thank goodness I hear you say), I don't just dress but make an effort with my appearance, I walk, I drive, I challenge myself and my life has improved a great deal. Could it be that part of our problem has been a lack of communication? I feel that after our talk he understands more but I have some decisions to make.

The ring isn't back on my finger. I have no idea if it will be but in the meantime I am taking some time just to think about what I want. I want you all to know that I am strong. Last night I was upset but I think we all breakdown a little now and then. Life is bloody tough! No matter what I decide i will never ever let anyone bring me down. I can say that with my hand on my heart. I might have a little wobble but i pick myself up and get on with it, i really don't think i will let myself go back to how I was. So thank you again everyone. I'm off to think...and perhaps get some sleep.

...

Ok didn't sleep. Instead forced myself up and out. Went a walk although today is dull and gloomy. Cleaned the entire house i think and now i can relax with a cuppa. I feel ok-ish. But on returning home was greeted to the bridesmaid dresses I ordered and wedding brochures haha. Talk about timing. A long bath later and the dentist in the morning, won't let last night bring me down. I have more important things to deal with right now.

In reply to the comments about this post... I know Gerry meant the things he said. I know that deep down he can't handle the way I am. I know he is frustrated. I also know that the progress i have made in the past 6 months is completely down to me...no one else! I have worked hard and will continue to do so. Maybe I don't explain thing's very well. I want everyone to know that I am totally aware that he has been waaaay out of order. I wont let anyone treat me that way, I wont let anyone affect my health and If i genuinly don't think he can be a positive influence in my life then I will say goodbye for good. I don't fear being alone. Being single does not scare me and I am totally aware that I don't deserve what happened. I am confident enough to say that I could possibly meet someone else this year who ticks all the boxes and completely accepts me. It is hard to explain things in a blog as I only really talk about Gerry in a negative way. This isn't fair as obviously there are many fantastic sides to our relationship or i wouldn't be with him. I do love him and without a doubt I know that he loves me. BUT that doesn't mean we will work out, and this is the crossroads we have reached in our relationship.