Saturday, 13 December 2008

My Diary Part 1

Saturday 13th December -

I sit here now and i am SHAKING. It is 10pm and i am just home from another drive. I had already been on a drive today and covered the same ground as yesterday. I have decided to do it in steps just as i did with the walking. Obviously you guys dont know the area but so far i have been going to a big round-a-bout near the end of my village. The stages from there are, petrol Station, another major round-a-bout and then McDonalds haha. When i make it to that major round-a-bout i have officially left my village for the first time in about 4 years, possibly more.

Back to tonight. My friend popped round and i suggested a drive... yes me! I suggested to go a drive. What is happening to me? Anyway, we went around my usual loop again and although i could say i feel 'on edge' i certainly wouldnt describe it as anxious. I described to Angela, who was driving, where i wanted to go. We headed to Laura's house again but this time my thinking was 'will i get out the car and go into her house'. Angela parked the car and i just got out and ran! She had no idea where i was going but i wasnt hanging around for explanations. I knocked on Lauras door and you should have seen the look on her face! Priceless. As i mentioned before, Laura has lived there for about a year and i havent been inside. Tonight i was there. She took me around the house showing me all her hard work and her house is beautiful. Laura was so excited byt the whole tour that she actually showed me the contents of her fridge haha. The pair of us were a sight. I ran around the rooms in a flash but i did notice that i felt ok... not anxious but very very hyper. Back into the car i drove around more, covered more ground again. We almost went to the petrol station but i decided thats somewhere to aim for in the week, i dont want to scare myself into a panic attack (negative i know).

Home now i am buzzing. I cant stop talking. It has taken me a while to come back down from the high. My friend has been texting saying she is still in shock that i was there and it does feel fatastic. I did actually take 2 photographs when i was out but unfortunately i was shaking so much they are awful ha.

My thoughts tonight... Nervous what if's. What if i panic, what if i get scared again and dont want to do it anymore, What if this is just a little phase, What if it all stops tomorrow? What if? What if? What if? Arrrghhh. However, on a positive note, i did it and i will push to continue this effort. I will work on doing it and not being so hyper! I have already noticed that just driving in the loop is completly comfortable to me. One of my nervous thoughts had also been, 'What if i never want to get out the car and walk' but tonight i got out and walked to laura's so i am getting there.

Sunday 14th December -

Woke up nice and early and planned out my day. I will go my walk, then a drive and tonight i will relax with my boyfriend. He has spent the weekend in Ireland on a stag weekend so it will be good to have him back. Started off on my usual walk, feeling a little nervous this time. I guess it is because i have been mentally more focused on the driving. Determind to do it though and i succeded. For the first time though i had a slight panic attack. I was walking to one of the furthest points from home and felt a bit dizzy. I didnt allow myself to freak out but it certainly gave me a little scare. I was with my mum today so i don't know of that helped but i just continued chatting and told myself i wasn't going to run from it. It was very breif and once it had gone back down i continued my walk and didnt cut it short like i might have done in the past. I had been dreading the moment i started to feel that way again but i am turning it into a positive by telling myself that although it happened, i braved it out and just kept on going. Hopefully my mind will have noticed that it happened, i was ok and i got home in one piece. Obviously with the way my mind works i will be a little more nervous about doing it tomorrow but i will go nonetheless.
Went a drive with my dad. It was the usual route to the round-a-bout and to the edge of town. Again i felt fine. I wasnt setting out to try anything new or to go further, i just wanted to prove to myself i could still do it and to maintain my progress. After that i had a busy day of cleaning and the usual jobs at home, quick bath and a relaxing night with Gerry who had returned home from Ireland. New perfume for me YEY!
Monday 15th December
I expected today to be a little tougher after my anxiety yesterday and i guess it was. It was only difficult as i wasnt as motivated as i ususally am. I was a little nervous and not looking forward to my walk as much, but of course i didn't let it stop me. Went the usual walk and i felt ok. When approaching the area where i panicked yesterday i was a little uneasy. I called my friend as i walked and used the phone call as a distraction. It was a dull and miserable day which never helps me on my walks and i was also very tired. Gerry ended up being very sick through the night and i was awoken constantly as he asked for drinks or food...or a bucket ha. So it was a tired Lynn who set off today. Having completed the walk i felt myself relax, i had done it! No anxiety and more to the point, i hadnt decided to take the easiest option and stay at home.
Today was also to be the first day that i probably wouldnt be going on a drive. I didnt think my dad would be home tonight and i wasnt meant to be seeing Gerry. As does happen, our plans changed, when Gerry decided to come after all. A good response in my head was 'Good, i can go a drive tonight, keep up the practise'. Unfortunately Gerry was still ill and not fit for driving anywhere but again it was a good sign that i was willing to get back out there.
It has been another good day but i notice my head is very messed up with all of this. I feel like my mind is very muddy. I dont understand where this improvement has come from and i am trying not to question it. I still have the negative what if's and i guess i am thinking about it constantly. Probably too much as per usual. But throughout all of this i tell myself that this is the best i have done in years and i canot deny that. I need to realise i have the strength in myself to do this and believe in myself.


Robert said...

Proud of you, girl. You'll be coming to see Marie & me soon! Perhaps you better wait 'till Hogmanay's over. The English don't know how to celebrate the New Year properly ;0)

Aphobos said...


I've only just started reading your blog and enjoying it. Well done with the driving. I can relate to not being able to shut up after it as I get this too whenever I endure something I have been dreading- on a real high.

I found your blog via the nomorepanic forum. The reason for posting was to thank you for the uploaded files which are of great use not only to me but I'm sure alot of other people too.

All the best