Scan Success!!!

20 week scan done and dusted!!! I will elaborate later but I am so happy I DONE IT AND BABY IS FINE!!!! (plus i know the sex)

Back on the Bus

As you may or may not know, my agoraphobia caused me to housebound and stop going out at all. Obviously this meant everything else stopped, but first to stop was travelling.

I used to use buses or taxis to get everywhere before I could actually drive myself. I had a few major panic attacks on buses which had pretty much left me scarred and not in a hurry to get back on one again.

Meeting with my new support worker she acknowledged that I could drive but felt it was important that I could still travel by bus too. What would happen if one day my car didn't work, or if it was in the garage? My life couldn't just stop until the car was back in action, I should be able to use public transport and keep up my independent living.

At first I thought it was a bit of a waste of time. I would make more progress quicker if I could concentrate on driving in the car, but Margaret, the support worker, explained that If i felt comfortable travelling to places by bus, then it would be really easy to do it by car. So i understood her logic.

I probably put it off for a while, while I waited for my bus pass to arrive. Really I could just have gone anyway and paid the fare but anything to put things off eh. However, the bus pass arrived about 4 weeks ago and it was time to face up to the challenge.

I suppose to most people this doesn't seem like a big deal, and I guess it isn't really, but I hadn't been on a bus for probably about 9 years?

The first trip was actually quite funny. How was I to know that bus 'etiquette' had changed?? I seen people with bus passes before and they would walk on the bus, flash their pass and take a seat, so that's what i did. I was lucky this day as I arrived at the bus stop when a bus was pulling up so I didn't have to wait around. Waiting for anything doesn't seem to sit well with me. And So along with my support worker I got on the bus, flashed my pass and sat down. I was called back quickly by a puzzled looking bus driver who explained I didn't have a ticket. Apparently you need to sit your pass on this little ticket box, it registers your card as if by magic, and then gives you a ticket. Margaret had a little giggle, i just felt like a total dunce! But I got my ticket and took a seat.

Immediately the same thoughts that i always had on buses came back to mind. The most crazy thought being 'this bus driver is on a suicide mission and is just gonna crash' and to be honest the guys driving wasn't really doing anything to put that thought to rest. Also i was on one of the 'bendy buses'. I have never been on one of these before so this made it even more strange. I hear they are trying to ban them in London but I'm not sure if they are going to do the same thing here, whatever, i didn't walk beyond the bend because the back of the bus looked like it had a life of its own.

We only rode a few stops for my first time and although the bus driver was a total misery (aren't they all) I actually enjoyed it. I probably found it as thrilling as any 'normal' person would find a trip on a roller coaster. Within minutes it was over and I was quite happy with myself. But Margaret wanted to know how i would push it further the next time I met her. So it was decided that I would go to a bus stop further away and that even if a bus pulled up, i would ignore it and wait for the next one.

It was a nice day when we set off but i was definitely a little more nervous knowing i could be standing waiting for a while, and while waiting on anything my mind can have too much time to think. But really it wasn't too bad at all and my anxiety levels were pretty minimal. The bus journey itself was also fine, thoughts not too bad since this driver didn't seem to have a death wish. I do seem to panic when the bus is making turns though, thinking that hes going to go a different route, which is certainly not part of my plan. I guess its about handing control over to someone else, and obviously on a bus your handing the control to a complete stranger. Margaret joined me on the trip again.

So how could we push it further again next time? Well I guess I would have to do the bus trip myself. I wasn't bothered at all to be honest. The only thing I don't like is the waiting but it couldn't have been to bad cause i don't actually remember it. I got the bus no problem and was shocked to find I had a pleasant bus driver!!! I took my seat but he shouted back a little conversation with me and I laughed at his small talk. I still didn't travel very far, and the bus drivers could think I am just extremely lazy, but since I'm pregnant and sporting a fetching bump, its a good cover and seems to make my small trips acceptable.

I thought i should update you with something a little more progress related and not just baby stuff. I do get really frustrated with myself because I always make comparisons to how I was last year. And back then I as definitely travelling further and had more confidence. But going out was so new to me then that i was always buzzing with every little thing I did, every little walk or trip to the shops. Once that becomes the norm, you don't get that high anymore. But I wouldn't change it for the world and am grateful to be where I am now. You just need to keep on going, keep on trying. I think you really only get that buzz when you try something that is pushing your limits, but we all know how hard that is and that's where I am struggling at the moment. But hopefully over the coming weeks that's going to change and Ill have lots to been buzzing about.

Agoraphobic Pregnancy

I am hanging my head in shame. Its been a month since my last confession... I mean blog.

Ok so where do i begin? I am now... drum roll please... drrrrrrrr... 17 weeks pregnant!

I have been very lucky in that i had very mild sickness which didn't last very long and my only major problem has been feeling completely exhausted but hey I can live with that. My tummy is growing rapidly now and it is no longer just looking like Ive eaten too many pies. I now have a proper baby bump and have even had people come up and touch it already.

Only a couple of days ago I felt the baby move for the first time. It was just how everyone described it would be, like a little flutter. Accept it was a very strong flutter and went on for a good 5 minutes. The picture above is exactly how a baby looks at 17 weeks. Very impressive how developed it is already and to be honest the time is flying by. I'm sure it will drag towards the end when I am the size of a small country but so far Ive had it easy

So that's the basics. But mentally it has been much more complicated.

My 12 weeks scan was mentioned in my last post. I prayed I would make it there and I focused on it for weeks. But I focused on it too much and turned it into mount Everest. I couldn't go. And on the day that I missed it I had a complete breakdown of guilt. Already I thought I was a terrible mother. Why couldn't I do this for my baby as that's what matters here. Not me! How could I be so selfish. I called the hospital and thankfully they were really understanding and told me they would look into scanning me in my local health centre. What a relief! I waited weeks to hear from them and i was growing more and more concerned knowing I was well over the 12 weeks by then. Finally at 15 weeks they called me and told me that I will STILL have to go to the hospital as originally planned but that I can go anytime I want instead of having to make an appointment. When I first found out I was really upset as I was looking forward to my scan being local and it being 'doable' so i was a little shocked to discover that it took them 3 weeks to do nothing really.

As it stands i am now 17 weeks gone and still haven't had my ultrasound. I feel so guilty about it. I have piled the pressure on myself but then I also have everyone else desperately wanting me to go so I have the pressure from them too. The midwife has told me they only want me there for my 20 week scan so basically I have another 3 weeks to get there. In a way I feel less pressure knowing i have time to buildup to it, but that is another 3 weeks that I can obsess and get myself worked up about it. Oh i have tried everything, think of the baby, think of getting a picture to show everyone, think about finding out the sex of the baby. I try turning the experience into an exciting fun thing and not a stressful scary one, but it is hard as you know. So now I am basically making the journey bit by bit each day and just building on it. Hopefully one day Ill just do it.

I do feel very embarrassed and that probably why I haven't written before now. Also I worry about what people with think of me and that I will be judged. I am mortified when people ask me how my scans have gone, I just mutter something and change the subject quickly.

I should mention that I have been to every other appointment, had all my bloods taken, been thoroughly checked over. I did have a little scare one week and needed to see the midwife but she had a listen to babies heart and a feel of my tummy and told me everything seems 'perfect'. I have never felt so much relief.

What amazes me though is that the hospital, as much as they are being helpful, they seem to never have had any experience with someone with agoraphobia before. At least if they have they have never told me about it. They seem a little confused as to what to do with me. And that only adds to me feeling weird and crap. Am I really the only weak person who couldn't just bite the bullet and get to a hospital for the sake of their baby. Did everyone else just suck it up and do it? Pffft who knows. So far it looks like it. And then my frustration grows even more when i am reminded that last year I was up and down to the hospital for appointments all the time, and never missed a single one. I know that the experience WAS Stressful last year and that maybe the memory of that has added to my anxiety this year but still.. i could do it then so why not now? That's actually a rhetorical question because i know the answer to that already. Anxiety sucks. it comes and goes. Sometimes we are good, sometimes we struggle, and do to all my worries and stressing my problems are flaring up, just to remind me they can. Such is life.

Regardless of this I am actually coping really well. Although I do understand pregnancy hormones can have you all over the place which is just fabulous! One minute I am stroking my tummy feeling like the luckiest girl in the world. I am blessed with this wonderful little baby inside of me and Life is beautiful. I am going to be an amazing mother and this baby is going to be so so loved. It is also very lucky as its becoming part of a wonderful family and we are all excited to meet him or her. But then ill wake up the next day and see my bump and ill feel fear. Arrrgh i have no control. My body is not mine now. And this baby, what if it hates me. Can I really do this? What if i cant cope? What if I'm a crap mum?. But i remind myself that this is natural and everyone must go through this with their first pregnancy. The fear of the unknown...and we all understand that perfectly by now. I am just totally neurotic to be honest. I still have the same worries I had at the start, scared that a huge bump will freak me out, that Elbows and legs popping out of my tummy will send me into a panic, but i try to breathe and tell myself I will be fine.

On top of this I am STILL house hunting and praying something turns up soon, and of course I am buying baby items now. My car breaks are giving up on me so that needs fixed this week and I think my laptop is about to have a breakdown. Jeez my blog used to give me stress relief but as I type i feel myself getting worked up haha I hope you guys aren't getting stressed just reading my crazy rant.

Now maybe some of you will even ask the question, how are you going to cope when the baby arrives. And would you believe that that part doesn't actually scare me! I have had children around me for years and know I can provide a great life for this wee one. And more love than I ever thought possible. The bond is already there and that is something I am grateful for. I look forward to getting baby into its pram and going for long walks with other girls who are having babies at the same time as me. Taking the baby to visit relatives and for walks in the park. Going for drives and showing him or her the beach, going to the zoo. This all feel completely easy. So basically my only issue is actually MAKING the baby. Making sure its ok. Developing properly. Because I cant see that right now. At least when its born its there in front of my eyes and i can constantly check its ok. Poor wee thing wont get peace with me watching it.

Ok I've exhausted myself now. Sorry to the men if I have bored you with this, if you have read this far then I am impressed. To the girls I hope you know where I am coming from and have maybe even had some of these issues. I'm not the only one surely lol. I hopefully wont take so long in posting something again and will remember not to avoid writing out of embarrassment. I hope you are all well and enjoying life wherever you are. xx

Baby Update

Well I am a big chicken. I got so worked up about my scan appointment that I couldn't go. I felt absolutely awful about it. I have a feeling that anyone else with agoraphobia would have bit the bullet and went for the sake of their wee baby. But i just couldn't do it. It has been a very stressful time and as the date approached I was getting more and more anxious about it. The night before the scan I didn't sleep a wink. I felt very sick and the start of a panic attack was looming over me.

I visualised the drive and tried to imagine all the excitement and happiness to be gained, I listened to relaxation cds and told myself i was excited about the appointment, i think i was trying to trick my brain.

We had had a week of fantastic sunny weather and since the weather plays a huge part in my mood i prayed for sunshine. I watched the weather reports on the days leading up to the scan in the hope that the sun would shine and everything would seem just a little easier. On Tuesday morning when i knew it was time to get up i looked out of the window. It was the most gloomy grey wet day we have had in weeks. I started to get dressed but the feeling of impossibility just wouldn't go away. I definitely had my negative head on and no matter how hard I fought it, it wasn't going away either. I know myself and I know my limits. I knew that in my current state I would probably get half way but that would be as far as I got.

I broke the news to my mum and i felt extremely guilty. She was coming along as the expectant grandparent looking to see her little grandson/daughter for the first time. Gerald parents were also aware of my appointment, as were all my friends. They were going to think I was pathetic.

I called the hospital and they said they would get back to me but everything sounded so uncertain. Now i had reached 12 weeks and had only ever seen a midwife once, and that was only to confirm my pregnancy. I called my doctors to arrange an appointment with the midwife asap only to be told shes fully booked for a month. I knew i couldn't wait that long. Anything could be going on inside me. Was the baby even there? Having miscarried last year that has been gnawing at my brain constantly. I knew i needed to be seen and the sooner the better.

I called the hospital again and explained the situation. They couldn't have been nicer. I am actually really surprised with how well they have handled it. Today a midwife turned up at my house and took all my blood tests. We went over lots of information and then she had a feel of my tummy. I was prepared to ask her if she could have a listen for the heartbeat, but I didn't have to ask. As she brought out the machine she warned me not to panic. Being only 12 weeks pregnant, there was a high chance that they wouldn't hear anything but she assured me she would try her best. She also told me that it may take her quite some time to find anything and so i would just have to be patient. But it was within 5 seconds of the Doppler hitting my tummy that we heard it. Dum Dum, Dum Dum, Dum Dum. It was unbelievable. My little baby was in there loud and proud. I smiled and laughed I was just in total awe. The midwife said herself that she couldn't believe how easy it had been to find and how strong it sounded. Then she told me that they are arranging me to be scanned in my local doctors as they have found a portable scanning unit.

Now I don't like to think of people running about after me but I have to admit I am massively relieved. My pregnancy is going ahead like every other woman out there and i don't have to go to the hospital at all so can avoid all the stress of travelling a great distance. The midwife told me that my consultant is a lovely man who is very understanding of my situation and that he is bending over backwards to help me. I don't have to tell you how grateful I am.

So tonight as I write I am happier and calmer than i have been in weeks.

I had been dying to tell you the news sooner but I had to be sure all was ok. It has been a very difficult time. Obviously you have read about the breakdown of my relationship and I think i discovered I was pregnant the very next day after writing that post. So you can imagine how shocked I was. I have had days were I have been filled with panic about how I can cope. My body is no longer within my control and since I am such a control freak this has been hard to get used to. I didn't want a bump! I didn't want to feel something move inside of me. What if it was wriggling about and I didn't like it and couldn't make it stop? I was just being neurotic as always and as the days and weeks have passed I have looked forward to my tummy expanding, although it is doing it at such a rapid rate that it is welcome to slow down a little ha. Also I am wise enough to know that babies don't make relationships work and so it looks like I am going it alone. The house hunting is continuing but all the necessary people know i am now expecting and so i hope to be offered something as soon as possible. Then i can start building my wee nest. My next appointment isn't for 4 weeks but I should receive a letter about my scan before that. Hopefully I will have a picture to post soon.

Thanks for all your lovely comments. It was lovely to hear from people who have never written before and I am glad to share my happy news.

The Big News

You have probably guessed but I am once again pregnant. I held off announcing it this time but I have made it to 3 months, so past that scary time. I am very much showing and looking more like 5 month pregnant!

I have my scan on Tuesday. And yes I am getting very worked up about the journey. I have made a couple of practice runs and am doing another today. Fingers crossed all is well

Definition of Agoraphobia

Following my last post Diver brought a website to my attention. For those who don't read my comments I thought I would make a post about it as I found it interesting.

This is from the American Psychiatric Association who are re-writing the current diagnosis of Agoraphobia.

Agoraphobia is a codable disorder.

A. Marked fear or anxiety about more than one situation from a characteristic cluster of agoraphobic situations typically include: being outside the home alone; public transportation (e.g., travelling on a bus, ship, train, plane); open spaces (e.g., parking lots, market place); being in shops, the theater, or cinemas; standing in line of being in a crowd.

B. The individual fears and/or avoids these situations because escape might be difficult or help might not be available in the event of incapacitation or panic-like symptoms.

C. The agoraphobic situations consistently provoke fear or anxiety.

D. The agoraphobic situations are avoided, require the presence of a companion, or are endured with intense fear or anxiety.

E. The fear or anxiety is out of proportion to the actual danger posed by the agoraphobic situations. NOTE: Out of proportion refers to the sociocultural context

F. The duration is at least xxx months*

G. The fear, anxiety, and avoidance cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning**

H. The fear, anxiety, and avoidance are not restricted to the direct psychological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., cardiopulmonary disorders).

I. The fear, anxiety,and avoidance are not restricted to the symptoms of another mental disorder, such as Specific Phobia (e.g., if limited to one of a few circumscribed phobic objects or situations), Social Phobia (e.g.,in response to feared social situations), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (e.g., in response to dirt in someone with an obsession about contamination), Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (e.g, in response to stimuli associated with a traumatic event), or Separation Anxiety Disorder (e.g., in response to being away from home or close relatives).

*Need to examine a potential duration requirement in secondary data analyses and field trials

**An option that will be tested in the field trial is the possibility or deleting criterion G

Agoraphobia: Alternation Option that is under discussion

A. Anxiety about being, or anticipating being, in places or situations from which escape might be difficult or embarrassing, or in which help may not be available, in the event of having a panic attack, being suddenly incapacitated, or having sudden physical symptoms (including panic-like symptoms or other somatic events such as dizziness, vomiting or diarrhea).

Agoraphobic fears typically involves characteristic clusters of situations that include being outside the home alone; being in a crowd or standing in a line; being in the centre of a theatre row or on a bridge; travelling in a bus, train, car, or plane; or being in open spaces (e.g., parking lots, market place).

B. Situations from which escape might be difficult are avoided (e.g., travel is restricted); endured with marked distress or with anxiety about having a Panic Attack, panic-like or other symptoms; or require the presence of a companion.

C. The fear, anxiety, or avoidance cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

D. The anxiety or phobic avoidance is not restricted to the symptoms of other mental disorder, such as Social Phobia (e.g., avoidance limited to social situations because of fear of embarrassment), Specific Phobia (e.g., avoidance limited to one or only a few specific situations like dogs or elevators), Social Phobia (e.g., avoidance limited to social situations), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (e.g., avoidance of dirt in someone with an obsession about contamination), Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (e.g., avoidance in response to stimuli associated with a traumatic event), or Separation Anxiety Disorder (e.g., avoidance of leaving home or relatives).

Persceptions of Mental Illness

I was talking to my friend last night who is at university studying to be a licensed practical nurse. At the beginning of the week they were looking at mental illnesses and Agoraphobia as discussed. I have obviously discussed Agoraphobia with Angela several times throughout the last 10 years, but like many of my friends, she struggled to really understand it.

Its funny because on a quiz show the other day it asked the question 'What phobia is the fear of open spaces'?. They answer was agoraphobia and my other friend was confused. 'So your scared of open spaces'? I tried to explain that although i might not really be scared of open spaces,I know that some agoraphobics may not like this. For example, some would struggle to walk into the middle of a huge space like a field. I tried to explain the condition but found myself failing. I don't know how i find it so hard to put it into words. To me it makes perfect sense.

But when Angela told me that they were discussing it in Uni i was interested to find out what she had been told. I suppose I was a little smug and expected again that she would have been given the WRONG information which seems to be so common but I found there explanation far better. Her tutor told her that Agoraphobia is NOT really the fear of spaces but is better explained as 'the fear of having a panic attack'. To me this makes far more sense and it seems Angela could understand it much better too. In fact she said 'I now understand why you used to be able to come to pubs and clubs with me, but would struggle to go into a supermarket'. 'You obviously had never panicked in a pub and so it was still relatively safe to you, whereas you had suffered bad experiences in a supermarket and so you would then avoid going back there'. Thank you! Yes that is correct. It also made me feel LESS 'weird'. I must say i have never felt weird at all but you do wonder how other people perceive you sometimes.

Something else that cropped up this week which I found interesting. Another friend who has been working with the same support team as me, who is doing AMAZINGLY well, was asked to help the team in recruiting new support workers. Quite rightly they thought it would be a good idea to have one of their clients sit in on some interviews and see what she thought of the candidates. No one knows the kind of people needed for this job better than people who use the service. And so she went on Monday and sat in for 4 interviews. 2 people were great and got the job but what shocked me was that one of the candidates was talking about people with mental health problems and drug use. He was going on about methadone and other drugs and seemed to be under the impression that anyone with a mental health problem seemed to have a drug problem. I had always thought that in this day and age people were far better educated when it comes to phobias, anxiety and depression so i am completely flummoxed as to where he has made this connection. I am still clueless to be honest. Hopefully he was just a one off and this isn't an opinion shared by lots of people. Needless to say he wasn't one of the successful applicants.

As for me, well I have been ok. My blog has been lacking as I feel I have nothing of interest to tell you ha. I am plodding along taking things day by day. The depression I suffered at the start of the year definitely seems to be lifting. I still have no news on the house front but I am hopeful that I will hear something soon. Myself and Margaret (who is my support worker) have went down a different route and applied for house on the basis that it will help my 'recovery' from agoraphobia. It will encourage me to live a more 'normal' life, I will gain routine and can settle down and focus on my health as I will have gained more Independence and confidence. Which I totally agree would happen. So i am basically just waiting for a decision about this. Fingers crossed.

During the winter I stopped travelling as far, which can so easily happen, but i was annoyed at myself for allowing it. Nervously I have been out pushing the boundaries again and thankfully have been improving. I have been out for lunch a few times with friends, gone shopping alone, gone longer drives and been really enjoying all of it so I am glad I am back to where I was. I still have a bit further to go but at least I'm getting there. Last weekend I went to my friends daughters first communion, as pictured, and had a great day. I will never stop appreciating being able to attend events like these. I missed so much in the past that I just buzz the whole time that I can be involved in something like this.

In fact the other day I was out with Gerry (ill discuss this another time ha) and he was asking me to go to the supermarket Asda. He is obsessed with Asda. He seems to think its the best thing since sliced bread and that everything there is cheaper so its the only place to shop. On this day I really didn't feel like going to Asda. I was slightly anxious and since its a bit further away really wasn't in the best frame of mind. And so i suggested going to a closer supermarket. 'No don't go there is crap. Its not as cheap as Asda' Well I explained to Gerry that I don't actually care about the prices. So some items are a couple of pence more expensive. I don't really care. I am just thrilled that I can go to ANY supermarket and do my shopping because for so many years this was impossible. It is amazing how much we appreciate the small things. I can be so buzzing after a trip to the supermarket. The buzz that 'normal' people might only achieve if they did something huge like... I dunno a bungee jump ha. But the small things really make me happy.

Oh an update about the literacy course. Travelling to the new location was just beyond me but I called them up and just told them the truth and they have guaranteed my place on the next course. So basically i just need to wait and see when I start, this was good enough for me, they were actually very understanding. And the girl living in the car park? Well she never did get back to me but I have heard that she is now left the car park and is back living in her own home. Great news! Apparently it was in the newspaper last week, gutted i missed it, but I also hear she is now suing the health system as it took her to appear in a newspaper to get help. Not sure If i agree with that. Could it maybe be that she wasn't looking in the right places? I'm not sure.

Anyway I hope you are all wonderful and positive and I will be back soon with some HUGE news!

Ive found the latest article about the girl in the carpark if you want to hear the latest, click here