Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Baby Update

Well I am a big chicken. I got so worked up about my scan appointment that I couldn't go. I felt absolutely awful about it. I have a feeling that anyone else with agoraphobia would have bit the bullet and went for the sake of their wee baby. But i just couldn't do it. It has been a very stressful time and as the date approached I was getting more and more anxious about it. The night before the scan I didn't sleep a wink. I felt very sick and the start of a panic attack was looming over me.

I visualised the drive and tried to imagine all the excitement and happiness to be gained, I listened to relaxation cds and told myself i was excited about the appointment, i think i was trying to trick my brain.

We had had a week of fantastic sunny weather and since the weather plays a huge part in my mood i prayed for sunshine. I watched the weather reports on the days leading up to the scan in the hope that the sun would shine and everything would seem just a little easier. On Tuesday morning when i knew it was time to get up i looked out of the window. It was the most gloomy grey wet day we have had in weeks. I started to get dressed but the feeling of impossibility just wouldn't go away. I definitely had my negative head on and no matter how hard I fought it, it wasn't going away either. I know myself and I know my limits. I knew that in my current state I would probably get half way but that would be as far as I got.

I broke the news to my mum and i felt extremely guilty. She was coming along as the expectant grandparent looking to see her little grandson/daughter for the first time. Gerald parents were also aware of my appointment, as were all my friends. They were going to think I was pathetic.

I called the hospital and they said they would get back to me but everything sounded so uncertain. Now i had reached 12 weeks and had only ever seen a midwife once, and that was only to confirm my pregnancy. I called my doctors to arrange an appointment with the midwife asap only to be told shes fully booked for a month. I knew i couldn't wait that long. Anything could be going on inside me. Was the baby even there? Having miscarried last year that has been gnawing at my brain constantly. I knew i needed to be seen and the sooner the better.

I called the hospital again and explained the situation. They couldn't have been nicer. I am actually really surprised with how well they have handled it. Today a midwife turned up at my house and took all my blood tests. We went over lots of information and then she had a feel of my tummy. I was prepared to ask her if she could have a listen for the heartbeat, but I didn't have to ask. As she brought out the machine she warned me not to panic. Being only 12 weeks pregnant, there was a high chance that they wouldn't hear anything but she assured me she would try her best. She also told me that it may take her quite some time to find anything and so i would just have to be patient. But it was within 5 seconds of the Doppler hitting my tummy that we heard it. Dum Dum, Dum Dum, Dum Dum. It was unbelievable. My little baby was in there loud and proud. I smiled and laughed I was just in total awe. The midwife said herself that she couldn't believe how easy it had been to find and how strong it sounded. Then she told me that they are arranging me to be scanned in my local doctors as they have found a portable scanning unit.

Now I don't like to think of people running about after me but I have to admit I am massively relieved. My pregnancy is going ahead like every other woman out there and i don't have to go to the hospital at all so can avoid all the stress of travelling a great distance. The midwife told me that my consultant is a lovely man who is very understanding of my situation and that he is bending over backwards to help me. I don't have to tell you how grateful I am.

So tonight as I write I am happier and calmer than i have been in weeks.

I had been dying to tell you the news sooner but I had to be sure all was ok. It has been a very difficult time. Obviously you have read about the breakdown of my relationship and I think i discovered I was pregnant the very next day after writing that post. So you can imagine how shocked I was. I have had days were I have been filled with panic about how I can cope. My body is no longer within my control and since I am such a control freak this has been hard to get used to. I didn't want a bump! I didn't want to feel something move inside of me. What if it was wriggling about and I didn't like it and couldn't make it stop? I was just being neurotic as always and as the days and weeks have passed I have looked forward to my tummy expanding, although it is doing it at such a rapid rate that it is welcome to slow down a little ha. Also I am wise enough to know that babies don't make relationships work and so it looks like I am going it alone. The house hunting is continuing but all the necessary people know i am now expecting and so i hope to be offered something as soon as possible. Then i can start building my wee nest. My next appointment isn't for 4 weeks but I should receive a letter about my scan before that. Hopefully I will have a picture to post soon.

Thanks for all your lovely comments. It was lovely to hear from people who have never written before and I am glad to share my happy news.


agoraphob said...

oh my! I missed your last post! Congratulations! I dont think you should feel bad about missing your appt. I think you did the right thing by calling them. This mst be an anxious time for you, so it is ok to get a little extra accomodation!

COngrats again!

Sarah♥ said...

Loving the baby bump piture. You should do a weekly update of stomach growth, thats the one thing i regret about being pregnant and that's not documenting how big my tummy got.

Don't worry about missing your appointment, there is always next time :)


Lynn said...

Thats agoraphob i am very excited.

Sarah, my friends always said they wished they had more pictures of their tummies so ive been taking a picture at the start of every new week. Its cool to see how much it can change in a week.

Jason said...

I'm completely thrilled for you lynn! I could see how it would be difficult with the bad timing and all, but it'll work itself out. Just a matter of adjusting and finding your groove.

And honestly, you said you felt like any other agoraphobe would've made the appointment, but i kinda doubt it. Anything with so much anticipation and stress surrounding it can get the best of you from time to time. Nothing to be ashamed of there.

Em said...

hi lynn

congrats, my dad says there is always a way round everything. and i think youve found it. im sure having a newborn will help with your anxiety as taking care of someone will take up all of your time. i know on a completely different level looking after little rosie has helped me. good luck in the coming months. xxxx

Lorin Dixon said...

Hi! One thing I learned that helped my agoraphobia is not to let it matter what others think of what I feel. You are entitled to your feelings and they occur for a reason and everyone else is responsible for their own. I hope that helps.
PS my word verification is impreg!

Cloudy said...

OMG, you're pregnant!! Wow, you go girl. My to be husband is desperate for me to have a baby ASAP and I am petrified. Not only have I always been petrified of birth, I now have the lonliness and isolation of ag to deal with. I am going to be following you through this process and will love to read about it.

Chris said...

I've just read your entire blog and I want to say thank you for taking the time to do it. Not just the commentary but the links and the uploads. I wish you the very best.

carla said...

Hi there, i have been living with aggoraphobia for years, just come accross your blog!
would love to chat.

Lynn said...

Hi carla, you can email me if you want to chat, or if your on facebook my link is on the blog page. My email is

Chris cant believe you have read the entire blog, i hope it has help u in some way, even to show you are not alone.

Cloudy... well its scary business isnt it lol. I have days where I am so excited and feel incredibly lucky and days when i am scared. But i would say that is completely normal and it is how any women would feel regardless of agoraphobia.

The way i see it is this... 9 months pass in a flash! Look how quick 9 months have past when we have been stuck at home. But at the end of this rollercoaster 9 months Ill have a wee baby to love to pieces. And that makes it all worth while. Obviously ill talk more about it as the pregnancy continues.

Thanks everyone for your comments xxx