Well i haven't written in the past few weeks as my head has been very messed up. I had written previously about the bleeding i was having and that i thought it was a miscarriage. This was pretty much confirmed by doctors and midwifes who i spoke to, but i was told that there was no way of knowing until i went for a scan.
Well!!!!...My agoraphobia decided to flare up. I still went out everyday but the scan seemed to unlikely. The only place i can get a scan near me is at the hospital, and although i had made the drive before, it suddenly became very difficult. I drove to the hospital one Friday but by the time i was meant to go back the following Friday i felt way too anxious. I made an appointment for the following Friday again and by this time the bleeding had started so it was more urgent that I get there.
I felt huge amounts of pressure from myself, my parents and my partner to have the scan and find out what was going on. Last Friday i felt awful. In fact when I think back to that morning, i don't really remember it much. This shows me i was even more anxious than i thought! I did attempt to drive to the hospital but once i got round the corner i slammed on the brakes and refused to go any further. My mum was with me and she tried so hard to make me go. She stroked my hand, gave me water, tried to give me an encouraging talk but honestly nothing she said could have changed my mind. I wasn't going and it was as simple as that. I felt terrible obviously and scared for my health, but i had hit a wall. ( not literally, my driving isn't that bad).
When i got back home i had so many people to call. I phoned the hospital first, then my own doctor, then David from the Condition management team and finally the nurses in early pregnancy. My doctor offered me vallium to get me there. That was basically it, that's all i was offered, but then what else could they do? I did hope that David could maybe come with me in the car but i only got his voicemail and he never called back.
Anyway i made ANOTHER appointment for the next Friday again and told myself to practice the drive to the hospital each day till then. I didn't. As usual it was hard to find someone who was able to come out with me each day but i did get one day where i drove there a little.
So this morning i woke up and was determined to do it. I told myself that even if i panicked i was going as it would be over with within an hour and I would finally know whats going on! I don't know what had changed but i was definitely much calmer than last week and i knew that there was actually a chance of me making it this time.
I drove to the hospital and although i wasn't exactly chilled, i didn't panic. I was taken at the hospital straight away and scanned. Relief! Baby is still there and baby is fine! Reason for the bleeding? I have a cyst on my ovary. This was NEVER mentioned as a possible cause and believe me i done my research. The cyst is 5cm x 4cm which i think is pretty big! But thankfully i was told that they care common in pregnancy and it could disappear on its own. Phew.
So it has been a successful day. I think i will have the best nights sleep tonight that I have had in weeks. Thank you all so much for your support. (that isn't actually my scan but its pretty much identical to what i saw)