Monday, 22 June 2009

Adjusting to my new life

Life has changed for me in a big way recently with the news of the baby. Now that we know baby is ok I can start to think about the future.

The initial shock has gone, but the nerves are still there from time to time (but i imagine this is the case with anyone during their first pregnancy). Being a tad obsessive I wonder if my fears are a little less common. Of course I worried that I would suffer anxiety because of the massive change but other thoughts are flying around in my head. I don't seem to be nervous about life once the baby has arrived, more about being pregnant. I think its control again. I wonder if i will be ok with having a baby bump, because this is something that I cannot control. Looking down and seeing this huge belly with it moving and being kicked and poked. Freaks me out a little bit ha. Gerry said i have nothing to worry about because it is the most natural thing in the world, but i am 28 years old and this has never happened to me before so it doesn't FEEL natural lol. I wonder if it is already affecting my mental health? Yes i am thinking about things way too much. As time is passing i am chilling out though. I actually look forward to seeing the bump develop, and think that the baby kicking will make the situation more real. Because right now i still don't feel pregnant. I have been VERY lucky because i am already almost 11 weeks and i haven't been sick once. I know this is a blessing. I feel like this is going to be the longest 9 months ever, since i have known about the baby from practically the day i became pregnant. but i am getting really excited now.

More changes. I had spoke in the past about my aim being to move into Gerry's house. I was always working towards the day i would be able to move in with him comfortably. Now though this has completely changed. I did worry about my agoraphobia if i moved into Gerry's house with a baby. Maybe i am just being negative but i seen myself in this small house, in a town where none of my friends live near by, nor my family. I may not feel as comfortable walking as far as i can here or maybe i will just be very alone! I explained to Gerry that for my mental health i don't think the move is a good idea anymore. Poor Gerry. He has wanted me to move there so much and I was so close. But thankfully he has understood and agreed that I need to be as comfortable as possible when the baby comes as we don't want me to go backwards.

So now we are house hunting in my town! I am much happier about this. It means that when the baby is here and Gerry is away to work, I can walk everyday comfortably. I can visit friends and family and feel at ease in my familiar surroundings. The thought of moving house used to scared me but now I am very excited. We have seen a house that we want and so we will keep our fingers crossed that Gerry can get his house sold quickly enough. I cannot wait for us to live together and of course i cant wait to decorate and make a nursery for the baby.

I have been going out as much as always. The only thing i haven't been doing is my driving lessons. I am starting those again next week though so that's good. I look forward to getting back into them as they definitely were expanding my horizons more than anything else was.

I have a pre scan appointment at the hospital on Sunday. Apparently this is just a long talk with lots of forms to fill in before my scan next week. Obviously i was terrified of the drive to the hospital last time but hopefully this time it wont be quite so stressful. I will write back then and hopefully will have some more pictures.

I just feel pretty exhausted right now which is normal but i feel my blogs are lacking. Even though I am pregnant I haven't really had a chance to take things easy as i have been looking after the kids a lot. On Sunday i barley moved from my bed but still entertained the kids with makeovers. This is Jude as a clown.


diver said...

'... but i feel my blogs are lacking ...'

Ah well, perhaps that's because 'pregnancy issues' are starting to supercede 'agoraphobia issues' as the main focus in your life ? Hmm, have you thought about starting a 'pregnancy' blog ... maybe getting yourself networking with other mums-to-be ?

Love that pic of Jude. I think it's really exciting about the house hunting too, good luck with all that!