More Positive Steps...

This week started badly.

I have always been the first person to talk about my parents supporting me. They are so patient with me and try to understand what i am going through but this week things went a little pear shaped.

On Monday i asked my mum to wake me as i wanted to attempt the walk to the shops again. She woke me at around 10am on her way out but said we could make the walk together when she got home. So me being me, i went back to sleep. I woke up with my mum marching into my room asking why i wasn't up yet. No one likes to be woken up with a jump and i am no exception. However she continued to shout her orders and questions... 'Why aren't you awake'?, 'Get Dressed', 'Hurry up i have thing's to do' and finally 'Move it WE ARE GOING'!!!!

Well... this is not the best approach with me ha. I point blank refused! Firstly, i woke up with such a fright that i was shaking, but i also knew that it would be bad to tackle the task now. She got me so worked up and uneasy that i knew the chances of me having a panic attack had just doubled, and if i had panicked outside, well that wouldn't do me any good at all. I need to be calm and focused when trying these things. I need a clear head to be able to face the panic and talk myself through it, but i honestly think if i had gone then i would have freaked myself out. So my mum left without me and an atmosphere filled the house.

I went back to my room and basically avoided her for the next day. I felt more anxious than i had been for a while but knew it was down to the arguement. I figured it would be ok the following day as my mum and i have such a great relationship and neither of us hold grudges.

Next day came... and my mum came back into my room with a few harsh words. She told me she had just been to the doctor to tell them that she isn't coping with my situation. She told me i was being lazy, selfish, obsessive. She brought up my diet and said she thinks it's becoming a problem as i am half the size i was before (an exaggeration believe me). She said i do nothing in the house, i look ill and this has gone on long enough 'you've been in this room for 6 years'. Then my mum went on to discuss how thing's are going to be changing. My dad suggested that all visitors are banned from the house, this would then force me to go see them instead. And since my sleep pattern is so messy, all electricity in my room will be switched off at midnight!!! Well as you can imagine, i didn't take this too well ha ha

I never cry. I don't know if i'm numb. Or if i bottle things up. But i cried. A lot.

I told her that i am not lazy. I explained that each day is a battle! I talk myself through the day hoping not to panic. I may have been spending more time in my room than usual but thats because i have been reading my books and making plans on how to attacks this. Doing my research i suppose. And if my mum thinks im just sitting in me room ignoring the outside world then she is very wrong. And as for the suggestion that i don't have visitors or electricity, well those idea's are just ridiculous (and she agreed Thank goodness). I haven't been in my room for 6 years at all, and i think that was the comment that bothered me the most. I had to ask her to leave after that.

Having the arguement and crying actually made me feel better. I know it's probably because i released a lot of emotion that is usually hidden away. We spent another few hours avoiding each other and then things returned to normal. I wasn't angry with my mum because i know she is just worried. She cares and seeing her daughter like this hurts her. Of course i feel guilty for this, but i know it's not my fault. Not really. If i could control this, well i wouldn't be sitting here writing this blog.

So time to take action. I got back on the phone to the doctor and made sure i have been referred to the community psychiatric nurse again. I have. I called my friend Alison who is a nurse and will be doing EMDR with me, and i arranged to go out walking with her on her day off each week.
I am trying to tackle the sleep problem. I am a complete night owl but am starting to get into a better routine. This will probably take a while as my routine has been back to front for way too long.

I could say my mum gave me the kick up the ass i needed but to be honest that isn't true. Mentally i have been dealing with these things and making plans for a while now. Chris is taking a week off work in May and we are going driving each day... and yes i dread it and i am so scared but i will do it all the same. I know i NEED to.

Then last night my friend Lindsay was hypnotised. She was seeing the man who i had used previously. But for one reason or another my appointments with him just kind of stopped. Anyway after her session Lindsay went out. She felt calm. She was shocked by the results as to be honest she hadn't expected it to work. I was so happy for her and sooo proud of her but then today she just shocked me even more. For the first time in a LONG time Lindsay went out with her mum to visit her Aunt who lives in another town. She was there for hours and all she experienced was a small panic on her way but since then had been fine. I have actually just text her to find out where she is now haha... she could be anywhere!!

Anyway after speaking to Lindsay and catching her excitement i decided to chance my luck a bit. I still had the email address for the man who done the hypnosis but he also does NLP, TFT, EFT (all these abbreviations lol). So i emailed him and asked if he knew anyone who done the same things as him... but on a budget. Last time i seen him it cost me a small fortune. Straight away i got a reply and he told me that HE will help me for FREE. All that he asks is that i totally go for it and make a huge effort. Well i can do that. My first appointment will be the first week in May.

Everyday i have been up earlier and got myself dressed. I have either been cleaning the house, out with the kids or weeding in the garden. I guess i am on the right track. The fear is there. But i knew it would be hard. I am ready to give it my all though. Hopefully with NLP, TFT, EFT, EMDR or Hypnosis... something will make a difference haha. But i think the most important thing is facing it. Like the saying goes, 'Feel the fear and do it anyway'