Tuesday, 15 April 2008

Letter from a Friend

Quick update. I am doing quite well at the moment. I look forward to each day and what it brings. Ive been spending a lot of time with friends, Luke and with Chris who is still making me very happy. I havent been out as much as i would like but ive still been making the effort, even if it is just spending a day in the garden. The weather has been improving and so has my determination. I will hopefully have more to report soon.

I have made a few very special friends through writing in the blog. I asked one of them to write me a letter describing her feelings day to day and decided to put it on here as its very well written and i am sure people will be able to understand exactly what she is describing. I would love any comments on this.....

As I sit here contemplating all the thoughts that are cluttering my mind I am overwhelmed. It seems there is no end to the incessant worry and feelings of inadequace and helplessness. The cobwebs are building in the recesses of my emptiness with such speed that I can not seem to clear them away. Even as I sit and write, I feel like I am smothering.. sinking everdeeper into the mirky bog..

There used to be such order here.. now I am surrounded by dusty memories and piles of cluttered anxiety. Looking across the mounds of rubbish I can see the list of problems perched on the desk in the corner. I once had plans to deal with those.. to take them on one by one until I had completely rid myself of them.. now I feel weak and useless.. I can see the list, but I can't reach it..not in my mind.. not with the lack of energy that saps me more and more every day. I pray for release. I begf or understanding, but I know that all the past years of longing for knowledge, of pleading with God to help me.. that it certainly must not be meant for me to conquer the list right now.. maybe perhaps never.

Leaving my mind and wandering aimlessly through my everyday life I see constant obstacles. I sit and cry, though no one knows it.. no one can ever see.. for that makes me look weak, and I simply cannot have that. I cry alone.. sometimes in the closet pretending to clean.. sometimes outside when I am journaling..and as I cry the anxiety builds and builds until it errupts with such a ferocity it takes my breath away.

I don't long for death, but oftentimes I welcome it..It would be lovely to float carefree through the clouds in the perfectness of the afterlife watching those I love from afar, and not having the stressbuild. No more panic.. no more pain.. no more fear.. Fear consumes my days and nights evershadowing my life like a gossamer gauze that fills my head with haze and uncertainty. There are times when I feel the breath of life blow across me, and I smile. There are times when the anxiety isn't so bad, and I get a tiny taste of what a normal life would be like. It's as if the Fates are teasing me.. like they enjoy toying with my life..turning me loose from my own private prison only to see me filled with joy for brief moments then snatching me with such callous and placing me back inthe horrid existence which is my true life. Reality stings like the bitter weeds that bloom inspring.. I struggle to keep my head clear, but the weeds twist and twine around and through my being smothering me. With the struggle comes weakness.. the vines use my joy to nourish themselves completely sapping me of both strength and happiness.

Even with my grandchild they have managed to take some of those joys and replace them with fear.. What if I hold her and I fall.. what if she needs me and I can't be there..what if I die and leave her.. it's too much for my mind to even try to comprehend. I see death as total aloneness.. I am so afraid of the unknown that there is no reasoning even in my mind. Every year older I become, is another year closer I am to the inevitable.. I have spent most of my life surrounded by people and yet totally alone. I yearn for the gentle touch of someone who truly cares. I want desperately to know that I am of worth to someone, and not just a convenience or a monetary provider. I feel no love, no compassion, no trust, no honesty.. Being completely numb would be a welcome thing if it were to take away the loneliness that floods my sould like raging torrents from an angry sea, threatening to suck me under into it's dark murkywaters and finally realease me from the hell that is my life. This is some of how I feel right now.. though I have yet to really even scratch the surface, but to dig too deeply would certainly induce panic and depression taking it to a higher level.. which I simply cannotstand right now.. I simply can not do it.. for now I close my journal.. and again shut away the painful memories and feelings.. til another day when I feelstrong enough to face them yet once again. Until then...

5 comments:

Tashi said...

Your friend's letter ... :-( ... that sure is a lot of helplessness, loneliness, depression, and desperation for one letter. And some suicidal thoughts too ... :-/ ... here's comments Lynn, mainly just practical suggestions for what sounds a lot like an SOS ...

Biology
I don't think god is going to help her. I think she needs to help herself by seeking some professional advice. Some psych conditions do have purely biological causes after all - neurochemical imbalances triggered by things like age and hormones - that can be easily treated with drugs. A clinical psychologist can line up the tests required to explore this possibility, if for no other reason than to rule it out. Sometimes all that is needed is a simple blood test.

Spirituality
There are other practical things that she can do to help herself. Seeing as she evidently believes in things like souls, God, and fates she could consider consulting a priest (Christian or otherwise). After all, these folks were societies' counsellors long before psychologists came on the scene. They're good with souls and stuff. And they know the practical support networks and agencies in their areas better than anyone else, too.

Love
If a person wants more love and genuine-ness and companionship and compassion in their lives then "volunteer social service work" sure is one guaranteed way to experience it. Fact of the matter is you've got to GIVE it to GET it, eh. You meet the nicest people there too. And its a great way to answer that question, "Am I of worth to someone, and not just a convenience or a monetary provider".

Understanding
Same story. The understanding is "out there" but she has to seek it out. For a start the "support network blog world" is a pretty amazing place to explore. Comment. Reach out. Others will reach back. Publish a blog even. It might prove to be a massive step toward getting into her life the sort of trust, honest communication, and understanding that she longs for. Looks like she'd be good at it too. She sure has a fine turn-of-phrase.

Maybe other readers have some more practical suggestions ...

Robert said...

Hi Lynn

Glad to hear that you're doing quite well at the moment. Any more progress on the Joe/modelling front?

Tashi has comprehensively answered your friend's letter. I can't think of anything to add!

Best wishes to you...

Handling Panic said...

I'm not sure if you visit after you have made a post tashi, but I sincerely hope that you do. I am the person that wrote that letter. I am the person that suffers with constant anxiety. I am also the person with a degree in psychology.. so you aren't telling me anything I don't already well know. I have lived with panic disorder for twenty-two years. I have NOT managed to off myself, therefore I find your suicidal inuendos offensive. The fact is, I spend every day trying to LIVE. It's really hard a lot of times to just get by.. and writing things.. like what you read in this blog, helps me to cope in a way. It's a way to vent the sadness.. and since my second degree is in English, yes.. I do have a way with words.. I feel very sorry that you read into it totally wrong, and at first was offended that you had judged me without knowing all that was behind that letter. I can say that I think God will help me.. he has helped me through so very much already. I can assure you that there isn't one thing in that response you said that I haven't tried, other than not trusting God. All the tests have been done, all the therapies and counselings have been tried, and helped to some extent. I may be having down days.. but the ones where I go OUTSIDE and enjoy not being cramped in my home are more wonderful than you can imagine. It does make me sad to wonder how long it has been since you have ventured outside your jewelry basement and walked down the street able to feel happy and unafraid. I am doing much better, my panic is still here, but I cope and go on with it. I will be travelling to Scotland in August.. perhaps you should consider a nice outing for yourself? Would you fancy a plane trip to the beautiful country of Scotland? Is that something you could do? I guess what all of this is leading to is practice what you preach dear one.. look at what you said to me and apply it to your own life.. It just may help. If this came across as sounding mean, I am sorry.. I do not mean to offend anyone.. for I do not know you to judge, but after living with GAD/PD for so very long one tends to build walls of defense in protection from those who don't quite understand. God Bless.

Tashi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tashi said...

Noted. Sorry if my well-intentioned comments aggravated. All the best to you.