Wednesday, 8 May 2013

24 hours in my head


Cant quite believe my last post was in January. I knew it had been a while but JEEZ! Many apologies im sure you have all been on the edge of your seats to hear about the latest goings on in my life (yes im being sarcastic) So firstly a quick update.  I am still working and I am still a non smoker. YEY! High 5s all round.

The website has completely changed and grew quite a lot since I last wrote.  I am now working from

That's the basics. What else can I report.

I missed my best friends wedding. Couldn't make the journey and was totally gutted, but I put the memory into a little box in my brain never to be revisited (until blogging). Why dwell on it and upset myself? I didn't make it, I cant change it I can only look forward.

Winter here has lasted forever.  Today has been our first day of sun and its really had an effect.  I have been feeling very 'flat'.  Usually by this time of year we have had a few weeks of sunshine.  Im rocking a nice little tan and all the lovely vitamins from the sun have perked me up and im quite a happy soul.  The grey gloom has pulled me down a bit, and the demand of the website has caused a few issues. 

I have customers who are relying on me. That's pressure.  I have deliveries that need to be made on time.  That's pressure.  If I was to describe the ins and outs I would bore you but lets just say a lot of time and energy needs to go into the business and it all equals pressure and stress which for someone with anxiety, isn't necessarily a good thing.

On the outside im sure I look like im in control. Im doing well. Nathan is doing great, such a happy boy as always.  Inside my head is spinning.  Join me for 24 hours in my head. ...

Uch its 6 am
What will we do today
I cant travel many places with Nathan. That's not fair on him
Am I a crap mum
Better give him breakfast.
Poor Nathan deserves better than this
Its raining where can we go
We cant stay in all day its not fair on Nathan and I need out
Everyones at work, no one to visit. Cant go anywhere decent on my own with him... too nervous
We will go a walk.
Post mans been. Deliveries. Lets sort these orders.
whos is this, where does this go, need to get these sorted
'be there in a minute Nathan mummies busy'
This isn't fair on him either.
Parcels ready.
Tidy the house, bath time. look out clothes.
Poor Nathan sitting watching tv alone... bored im sure. Bad mum
OK we will go to the post office and the shop. At least we are getting out
Jobs done... now what.
Weve been out for half an hour, that's not enough.
Where to go? We will go a walk.
Ive walked where I can comfortably walk to. Poor Nathan this isn't enough.
Hes pulling to go further but mummys pulling him back in another direction with some excuse.
(passing my relfection in a mirror) god I look tired
I am tired
Im exhausted.
I need to eat better
I eat a lot of junk!
I am getting no goodness from my food
I should really look into getting some vitamins.
I wonder if im ill
Im always tired. Wonder if theres something more to it?
IM awfully thin looking. Not good
And when will I get to a dentist. My teeth are a mess
But im too scared. I don't like that numbness and the fact I cant control it
Lunch time. What to make
Soup again Nathan. Boring. Easy. Crap Mum
What now?
Draw, play? Pass time
Dinner. Mediocre. As long as you eat im happy, but wheres the goodness in that meal. bad mum
Bed time. Story time. Love love love you baby.
He deserves more
He will get more
Ill do better
when im stronger
He has love and a happy home. That's what matters
He is clever and happy. That's what matters
I will make sure he grows up full of dreams and ambition
He wont end up like me
am I making him like me?
Work on the website
lights out. am I ok
im anxious and that had all gone
Am I depressed? ive never been depressed. I don't want to be depressed.
maybe my meds aren't working anymore
do I need to try new ones
I don't want to try new ones
wake up
what will we do today?
Thank god he has nursery so hes being entertained and not stuck with me

And congratulations you have just spent 24 hours in my head.  Not good at the moment. But I know why. And I know how to fix it.

I would come on here and tell you all the good things that have been going on. Inspire you to keep pushing. But is it realistic? Yes it can be. It can be all good. I can be easy when in the right frame of mind.  But I wanted to be honest and show that sometimes it can be shitty again. But whats important is to recognise what's going on and WHY.

I have been working too much, taking too much on. Not looking after myself. Not eating well enough.  Not exercising at all. Not making time for things to help me relax. and I feel that's what I need to focus on now. Natural positivity. But again most importantly im not living in the now. Im not enjoying the moment. I am miles ahead of myself freaking myself out with 'what ifs' that haven't even happened yet. Time to slow down. Chill out and BREATHE!!!

No wonder im exhausted with my head spinning over those subjects ALL day and I mean ALL day.  How on earth im not back on the ciggies I will never know but I guess it shows a strength. A strength that I know I have within. And its the strength im holding onto now and I know this, like every other downer, will pass

Live in the now people. Dont dwell on the past or worry about the future. Baby Steps. Day to Day. Breathe. Relax. Be calm. Breathe. Relax. Be calm xxx