Lots to tell. LOTS to tell....Where to begin.
OK separation anxiety. Ive always had a few issues with this. Firstly, i was very attached to my mum for many years and didn't want her leaving me for any length of time. But i FORCED myself to work through that with an hour here and there. Determined not to rely on other people to keep me calm and also because i didn't want to be a huge burden on her. Then she went to America for a 5 week holiday and I was absolutely fine. So i cracked it. Since then I have obviously left the family home and although i wouldn't like her travelling to the other side of the world, the anxiety has gone.
And now theres Nathan. When I know he is going out for the day with someone, I look forward to the break, but i also feel a sense of dread, because i KNOW that when he leaves I'm going to feel uncomfortable. As usual it is a control thing. If he goes out and i panic and want him home, how quickly can the person he is with return him? What if that person doesn't have a car but is having to take a bus or 2? That will take ages and by then ill be ready for the nut house. Even worse is when he goes out with his gran who has no phone. So not only can i not get him back, but i have absolutely no idea where he is.
The rational side of my head tells me to chill out. Nathan needs his days out, i need the break. Most times when he leaves I'm a little uptight, but it soon passes and i actually start to relax and enjoy my time off. For a while I actually looked forward to his days out, knowing he was being entertained and i could do... well nothing! Ah bliss.
But as the winter crept in, and my mood darkened along with the early nights, that familiar anxiety crept back.
A few months ago my mum decided she would take Nathan out for the day and as soon as she mentioned it, i was uneasy. I told myself i would not give into this. Is not fair on Nathan and i NEEDED some 'me' time. So the morning of the 'day out' arrived and i got up bright and early and got everything organised. Breakfast, check. Bath, check, Bag prepared, check. Nathan looking handsome. check check check. Mum arrived and took Nathan away and i immediately felt the anxiety grow. 'Ok Lynn, chill out! This is going to pass, Nathan will have a great day and you will enjoy yours too'. Rapid heart beat, urgent need for the bathroom (you know what I'm talking about), sitting in the cool bathroom the anxiety wasn't subsiding like it usually would. 'Ok Lynn stay strong, this will pass'. Rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, turning stomach, dizziness. 'Can i cope with this for another 5 hours'? No.... NO NO NO NO
The anxiety turned to full blown panic and i gave in. No way could i ride that roller coaster for another 5 hours. usually i look for distraction and so i thought of people i might be able to visit, or who could come to me and keep me sane, but on this particular day i knew no body was available. And so i done the one thing i promised myself i would never do. I called my mum,
'Have you got on the bus yet'? As soon as she said No i was throwing on any clothes i could find and i was out the door and in the car shaking like a mad woman. Within minutes i had reached the bus stop and highly ashamed I got Nathan into the car in front of a crowd of people, no doubt wondering what was going on. My mum was understanding but her friend looked less than impressed. I could tell she thought i was being completely selfish, but at that point i couldn't care less. I just wanted Nathan with me and the panic to stop. And it did.
Back home i got back into a state of calm and tried to provide Nathan with a fun filled entertaining day. He was none the wiser to what had actually gone on but inside i was wracked with guilt. I still don't think i would have coped that day had i let him go. it would have been very unpleasant, but i only caused myself major anxiety in the future.
I had never given in like that before and now i wondered how i was going to manage the next time someone wanted a day out with Nathan. For Nathan and for myself, we need those days apart. There was no way i could just bring and end to them. That's so unfair on him. but as people started to mention taking him a trip here or there i was pretty terrified. I didn't want him to go, but i knew avoiding it was going to cause bigger problems.
It became such an issue that i decided to contact my coach Rashelle, who Ive mentioned before. Luckily she had a free space available and decided to try some reiki on me. Rashelle visited my house and we discussed the situation. After a lengthy chat we got down to work. With any therapy Ive always been asked to give my anxiety a number from 1-10, before and after the treatment. And yes, after the reiki my anxiety had significantly dropped. I felt totally relaxed, calm and enjoyed it thoroughly. However, pretty much as soon as Rashelle left, i knew i still didn't feel good about it.
So Nathans gran, without the mobile phone, decided she wanted to take him for a day out. She would be over on the Tuesday morning and they would be gone all day. Time for a pep talk!
'Ok Lynn, you are going to face up to this and you are NOT going to avoid it. Avoidance is THE worse way to handle this! You will let it all go ahead and you will be fine. Should you panic, then too bad!! Go into your bedroom and roll around the bed, climb the walls or howl at the moon i don't care, your doing it'!!
Full of determination, i got up on the Tuesday morning and very quickly changed my mind. Nah i wasn't really liking the idea of what was to come. I needed a plan. I needed a way to get out of this happening. And so i decided that when Anne arrived Id be very apologetic and explain that my dad has Nathans pram in his car and unfortunately had decided to go out somewhere without letting me know. Oh dear id be so so very sorry. id offer tea and cake and id suggest she spend some time with Nathan locally. That would work!
Anne arrived and i explained our predicament. I was so sorry, but since it was a horrible rainy day, and since Nathan would refuse to walk everywhere for 4-5 hours, it would be crazy to take him out. 'Not a problem Lynn, not ideal but I'm sure we will manage'. Uh oh, i didn't see this coming! Since Anne had travelled a reasonable distance and my excuse hadn't worked, i felt i couldn't argue. So i was going to have to power through. When i asked where they were going she simply replied, 'ah not sure'. OK so shes got no mobile phone, she doesn't know where shes going. She will take at least 2 buses to wherever she decides to go, but in that whole time i will have NO way of contacting her.
Anne and Nathan left hand in hand and although i was happy for him i was terrified for me. There was nothing else for it but full on distraction. In the following 5 hours i was like a fiend. I cleaned my house, and i mean CLEANED. Every nook and cranny got scrubbed and bleached. Still with too much time to spare i painted. I painted FOUR rooms!! Still i had time to spare so i cleaned cupboards, threw out rubbish, put things up the loft. I hung shelves!! and when i still had an hour left i got in my car and paid my cousin a visit. When i look back i can laugh. I was absolutely exhausted by the time Nathan came home and definitely didn't have a day off. But it was a productive day, i didn't panic, and i felt i had fought a few demons. Since then hes been on a few more days out and i haven't felt half as bad as i did on the day i panicked.
Why was that day so different to the others? I'm again wondering if hormones can play a part in feeling higher anxiety levels.
Then it was Nathans Christening.
Everyday without fail, i take my medication at 1.30. Always have! yeh i know i am probably being over cautious but its just the way I am. My phone has an alarm to remind me of the time so i will never possibly forget. So, I'm running around like crazy making food when i realised it was time to take my tablet. Got the packet of pills out, noticed there was only one pill in the packet, took it, and got on with my cooking. My alarm went a few minutes later 'ok i can put that off since i have taken my tablet'. Everyone fed, lots of happy customers, i mean family. 'Thanks for coming and goodbye'
Phew, feet up and relax. Clearing away the mess i noticed the packet of pills winking at me on the table, And yes, there was ONE tablet still in it. OK, i either miscounted the first time OR i haven't taken it at all.
Now usually that thought would send me into total panic. Having never missed one id be worried about what to expect. The rational Lynn would say 'nothing is going to happen. You've missed one pill! No big drama here. You've been on them for that long that you'll still have plenty in your system. You'd need to miss them for days before you'd feel a thing'. The worrier in me was a bit more concerned with what to do now. My medication specifically says on the leaflet that should you miss one, then just leave it. Don't take anything and just continue at the correct time on the day you remember. So i was surprisingly very calm and very rational. I decided i would just carry on with my day and id take them at 1.30 on the Monday.
About an hour later i felt really weird. Dizzy. Disconnected, Anxious. Well that's all i needed to feel to be honest. It was all i needed to send my brain into overdrive! And so i panicked. and i panicked. and i panicked. For the first time in about 4 years i needed to call my mum for help. I needed her to come and get Nathan while i got myself back into a state of calm. Luckily although the panic was awful, i was completely handling it. I knew it was rising and falling. I knew i was going to be OK, and i just had to ride it out. Now i know people might say it was all in my head, or that i brought it on myself with over thinking, but i stick to the fact that i DID NOT FEEL RIGHT. Even the anxiety was different. very bizarre. I ended up calling an emergency number for advice. Eventually i got to speak to a doctor who told me that missing one pill couldn't have caused those symptoms. He told me i could take a tablet now, or even just half a one, then take my normal dose tomorrow. I took a half straight away, and whether it was psychological or not, it worked. I felt myself relax and the rest of the night was normal. BUT the reason i mention it is the following day i began my period and I'm definitely noticing my anxiety changing at this time of the month. I always have done, but its MORE noticeable than ever. I'm keeping a close eye on it now anyway and if it happens again then ill definitely be mentioning it to my doctor.... i still don't know if i missed a tablet or not lol .
The jewellery business if going quite well. Word is spreading and Ive had enough sales to keep me going and keep me pursuing it. Especially with Christmas coming i could use the extra pocket money. Id be grateful to anyone who could 'like' us on facebook or just spread the word. It was very difficult at first to find a balance between seeing to Nathan and starting the business online but now that Cherish is up and running its not been so hard.
Sometimes i write a blog and get a sense of achievement, that Ive written a good piece... well I'm not getting that tonight. It seems a bit messy and rushed, but i was aware of the weeks and weeks since my last post so i really just wanted to get something published asap. I have been super busy with the things Ive mentioned, plus weve both had flu and a horrible winter vomitting bug and now of course the lead up to Nathans birthday and Christmas, but its slowly coming together. I hope you guys are all good and well. I will try and not leave such a long gap between posts next time and ill be back before Christmas to tell you about a job, a psychic and a new man! Byeee x