Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Battles, both emotional and physical

I join you today a bit of an emotional wreck.  It has been pretty eventful here since i last posted.  And sadly, not always in a good way.

Positivity first - Still doing my keep fit classes, in fact I have probably stepped it up a notch.  I am now a regular at body pump, my new favourite, which is basically lifting weights to music.  Sounds dull but its actually really enjoyable.  I am skinny enough and so this class is better for me as the other more active classes would probably cause me to lose weight, which is not what i go for.

Still taking Nathan to his little clubs.  Mothers and toddlers groups etc.  Cant say Ive felt completely comfortable from start to finish when i go.  but I have a little inner battle going on and so far Ive been winning. 

Also Ive been driving further again, and taking Nathan on more little trips to see friends etc.  I feel there is more to tell but maybe it will pop into my head as i write... this post is not only for catching up, but for distraction.  Distracting myself from whats just happened.

Ok it might not seem a big deal to most, but my brother has decided to move to Australia.  For YEARS my brother Derek has talked about a move overseas.  Job opportunities, weather, money all not being fantastic here in Scotland, he was convinced moving away would be the best decision.  I think we all thought it would never happen.  But a few months ago the ball was rolling when he booked his flight to Perth, Australia. 

He has friends over there, he has the chance of a job and he has somewhere to live.  It sounds fantastic and hes absolutely right, it WILL be a better life.  No doubt about it.  And so as the date was approaching i decided we couldn't let him go without a good old knees up.  I went about choosing a venue, and through facebook, i contacted his friends and got an impressive guest list together.  It was supposed to be a surprise and i felt that if i could pull it off it would be something i would be very very proud of.  Who would have thought a few years ago that id be doing this.  And so the venue was booked, guests invited all i had to do was arrange food, decor and getting him there!

Last Saturday the party was looming and so i headed off and got decorating.  My friend and i filled the bar with banners, Australian flags, bunting and balloons.  It looked great and so i headed home to get my party outfit sorted.  Sadly about 5 minutes after i left the pub, Derek decided to go for a pint!!! So the secret was out.  His friends were supposed to be keeping him away but really he just took it upon himself to pop in and no one was quick enough to stop him.  Derek is quite an emotional guy, although he tries to hide it, and he really didn't want a fuss.  But he knew we needed him to be there and so the party went ahead.

It was a fantastic night.  For me it was the first night out Ive had since Nathan was born.  hes 18 months now so that's a LONG time.  I was delighted to see the amount of people who showed face.  Family, School friends, workmates, Football friends, gym friends, The place was packed.  And best of all Derek looked like he genuinely loved every minute of it, although it was hard seeing my big tough brother shed a tear or TEN.  I was completely relaxed and really enjoyed the whole night, stumbling home around 1.30, way past my bed time.  It was a huge success.

Its weird.  Derek is my big brother, and so hes just always been there.  I have so many fantastic memories from when we were kids. But as adults we spent less time together, as you do.  We never really talked about anything deeply anymore.  Just pleasantries.  And i guess that's quite sad.  But no matter how little we've spoke, i always have huge amounts of love for him.  Hes my big bro!  Hes been amazing with Nathan, very loving and definitely fulfilled the roll or 'fun uncle' and when times have been tough for me hes also been the 'protector'.  But for some bizarre reason i didn't mind the thought of him leaving.  I felt nothing.  I just thought ' Aw well hes going away and its no big deal, he will be happy, ill get used to him not being around as much'.  How stupid i was.  Derek has just left and i am devastated.  I write this through tears and with my heart pounding, stomach turning.  My brother is gone.  God forgive me for being over dramatic.  I should be grateful hes alive and well having recently attended the funeral of a boy with a younger brother and 3 sisters in mourning.  (That was horrendous).  But from an agoraphobic perspective this is killing me.  I am realistic, and no matter how much driving i do or how many classes i attend,  i wont be flying to Australia in the next year.  From a totally selfish point of view i don't want him to go.  Or i want him to go for a month and then come home.  I'm telling myself to look to the positive.. i KNOW its the best move for him.  And i KNOW ill be fine in a few hours.  But for now i want to feel this sadness.  I love him and hes gone.  And i don't know when ill see him again.  Nathan wont remember him, hes too young.  And that makes me sad because Nathan loves him so much.  Agoraphobia, sometimes i can bear you, sometimes i can live with you hiding in the shadows, but at times like this is hate you.  Because you are not me.  You are not who i am.  And so I'm not saying goodbye to trips to Australia.. not yet.

The other news is probably more shocking and will be difficult to explain.  You've all known about my relationship with Nathans dad and just how turbulent its been.  Well the icing was layered onto the cake a few weeks ago.  Ill describe this is best i can but for reasons, i will explain, ill keep it brief. 

We had been getting on quite well, friends, seen each other all the time, spent lots of time with Nathan etc.  There were good points and their were bad points, which are pretty irrelevant now.  But he went out drinking one Friday night, with the promise that he would be taking Nathan out the next day, as he always does on a Saturday.  Unfortunately he showed up on the Saturday drunk.  This hadn't happened before and so although i wasn't too pleased, i told him to go into mine and sleep it off.  I took Nathan down to my mums and left him.  Soon i went back home to check on him and lay Nathan down for a nap.  To tell you how the argument started is actually quite embarrassing, but lets just say it was something and nothing.  It was facebook!  Good old facebook, i wonder how many fights it has caused.  I seen something i didn't like too much and so i woke him and asked him to leave.  It was a build up of a few things and feeling i was basically this guys doormat.  But i felt calm, i didn't feel surprise, just closure.  'Please leave'.

Well in his drunken state he got up and rambled and shouted, all while making way to leave.  He didn't know Nathan was home and so he really wasn't too bothered about his behaviour.  I opened the door to let him out and WHAM.  My head was smashed off a wall.  What followed was something i have never experienced before.  I was dragged out of my home, by the hair, into the street where i was repeatedly punched while this monster screamed all sorts of obscenities.  I felt no pain, i felt nothing.  All i could think about was that Nathan was in his bed and i needed to get back inside.  Also playing on loop in my head was 'i cant believe this is happening, i cant believe this is happening'.  Nathans dad has put me through the wringer but he has never lifted his hands so i was pretty shocked.  I could see people walking past and i just prayed they didn't say anything because he was so completely gone, i didn't know if he would hurt them!

It came to a head when a knife was produced.  It sounds crazy but i never thought he would use it.  but still you need to be realistic and look at the evidence in front of you!  I never thought he would hit me either.  He stopped when he finally heard me cry that Nathan was in his bed, and luckily i managed to get away.  I ran into my house and locked the doors and called the police.  He continued to try to get to me, kicking at the door.  I really thought he was going to get through it, but eventually he ran off.  I sat there bleeding and pulling out clumps of my hair.  'What the hell just happened'.  Thank God, Nathan slept through the whole thing!!

The police came out and interviewed me.  I was fine, shocked but once that passed i really was ok.  My head had been split open but other than that i had no major marks or bruises hmmm for someone who lost it, he'd shown some amount of control.  It was traumatic though, and for me, with a history of panic attacks and anxiety, i wondered how i would cope.  I know that no one will show sympathy for what he done, and i don't expect them to.  Also i wont make excuses for it, because there is no way to justify it.  But i know he just snapped.  Lots of other things had been going on in his life, problems at work, family issues, and of course our relationship, and that day it all got too much.  Since then hes started counselling, has been put on antidepressants and beta blockers, and has had to take him from work.  The incident has knocked him sick as through this crazy behaviour he has lost alot of respect, if not all, as what happened was done very publicly, and news travels!  It will go to court in October, where i will need to attend along with another 2 witnesses.  But probably the worst for him is that he cannot speak to me, approach me or even enter my street.  My house has a special tag on it so that if i need to phone the police i will get a quicker response.  Although i stress i do not feel that myself or Nathan are in any danger.  Ive had visits from police, social workers coming to check on Nathan, and for that i am absolutely fuming! I understand they are doing their job but he made that happen and my son is happy and well. 

So there you have it.  An eventful month of highs and lows.  My life coach said she thinks its impressive that ive kept on going but it has been quite tough.  At a class last week, i really struggled.  I wanted to leave quite a few times but i held on telling myself to take it a song at a time.  Thankfully i made it through without bolting.  So its hard but i know i have strength inside of me and now that Nathans dad hasnt been allowed near, i know i am free.  Free to totally push myself and focus solely on myself and my son.  Limitless!!! So the practice and determination need to keep on going.