New Beginnings

It feels like forever since I last wrote and have lots to tell. I haven't had Internet access for a few weeks and its been driving me crazy.

So more changes. I was talking to my mum one day about my living arrangements and how I love my flat but it is just too small. It only has one bedroom and since Nathans cot is in there, i slept on the couch so I didnt disturb him. It was taking its toll though as I wasnt getting great sleeps and my back was taking a beating. So after discussing it with my mum I went home and had a look online at what properties were on the market.

I noticed an advert for a house but it was showing no pictures. Luckily I recognised the address and knew exactly what house it was. I hoped that maybe since there were no pictures, there would have been little interest and I might just have a chance at getting it. The type of property it is, had there been pictures, would have been gone immediately. And so i rang up on the Tuesday and arranged a viewing on the Wednesday morning. On Wednesday night the property was taken off the market and was mine. Moving date, two weeks time.

Well I was delighted. This house has not one bedroom, not two bedrooms... but three! It would feel like a mansion to me. Not only that but it also has back and front gardens. It solved all my problems. Nathan would finally have his own room where I could actually put his toys. In the flat there was simply no room to have his toys out on show. A garden where on a sunny day he can play or just lie and sleep in his pram. That wasnt possible in the flat. My own bedroom again. No more sleeping on the couch for me. I could go to bed and watch tv or read a book without worrying that I might wake Nathan. It is 2 minutes walk from my mums so instead of loading the car with bags and a car seat when i only want to pop in for a cuppa i can just walk down with the pram. Oh its all so exciting!

Yeh then reality hit. I have taken on a huge property within 24 hours. Have I really thought about this? Can I afford this? I got nervous and tried to just put it to the back of my mind but soon it was the day to sign the lease and collect the keys. What made matters worse was that when i took my dad and other 'workmen' to see the house they were telling me just how much work it needed.

Ok the house was recently refurbished as it had previously been a total disaster. It was now freshly painted with a brand new fitted kitchen and bathroom. Newly laid wooden floors etc. But when you took a walk round you seen just how shoddy the work was. I have no idea who done the work on this house but lets just say, doors hanging upside down and my letter box being on back to front were just the tip of a very wobbly iceberg!! Ah but i had signed for it now. Someone even said to me 'would you like me to talk to my lawyer to see if we can get you out of this contract cause that house is a disaster'. Well if i wasnt anxious before, I was now.

I had to hand in my notice on the flat asap as obviously I couldnt afford to keep 2 houses. And so basically I had 2 weeks to move. Each night, exhausted after a day with Nathan, I would pack a few boxes. I would load them into the car all set for taking the stuff to the new house in the morning. Slowly i moved more and more stuff and my flat was becoming more and more bare. I didnt like this feeling. The flat was absolutely my safe place and I really started to question If i was going to be able to make the move. When i moved out of my mums house last year it had been hard but I was able to calm myself by saying 'Well if its too hard or i dont settle, i will just move back to my mums' (im sure my mum would have had other ideas but it kept me sane). I settled into the flat ok, probably knowing my mums was always an option. But quickly the flat became my home and where i wanted to be. Leaving the flat I would have to hand over the keys So on the day of the move there would be no going back. I couldnt use that as my safety net. I had to make the leap and pray that I would settle into the new place, otherwise who knows what i would do.

So I got the keys and i moved my things bit by bit getting more and more nervous. I then began the mammoth task of cleaning and decorating our new home. Why did I think it would be easy? What made me think it didnt need much done? I was unbelievably stressed. My mum would watch Nathan as much as she could but when she couldnt i would be standing with a paint brush in one hand and rocking Nathans pram with the other. It was exhausting and to be honest I wasnt getting anywhere fast. I try so hard to be independent and do everything for myself, which is no doubt because when i was housebound i relied on other people 100% and i swore i wouldn't go back to that. But after almost having a nervous breakdown one night I asked my family for help. Thankfully my brother was at hand and we wallpapered and painted for days. Now we were getting somewhere. Yes the house was coming on but at the back of my mind it still didnt feel remotely like my home and I couldnt imagine myself living there.

Do you ever get a sense of urgency when your anxious? When you just want to get home and get there fast! Well i would work in the house from 8am but when it came to about 4pm my mind would say 'enough is enough'. I would be filled with the sense of urgency that it was now time to leave and i wanted back to the flat. This worried me. How was I going to feel when i had to move in and i as sitting in the house and the clock hit 4, 5, 6pm and i couldnt be running off to the flat. More nerves.

So i was reaching my limit on how much else i could cope with and then it just got worse. My car tax was due and with no money spare to pay it I had to put my car off the road. But for some deluded and irresponsible reason I decided to drive it one day. Oh it will be ok i told myself, its not far and I have far too much to do!!! What an idiot. Round at the new house on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor, my brother arrived. 'Well what you going to do now' He said. I had no idea what he was talking about but when I looked out the window i seen it. My car was clamped and had a lovely big sticker on the window saying UNTAXED VEHICLE. Oh i was so embarrassed. What would my new neighbours be thinking. At this stage I had no money in the bank due to all the decorating materials I needed to buy but I knew this was going to cost me. Basically to get the clamp removed I had to show them a valid tax disc. If i had the tax disc i could get the clamp removed for £100. If i didnt have a tax disc it was £260! A no brainer really. Time to get a tax disc. In a way I was glad cause it gave me a kick up the bum to get it sorted but it was money i didnt have. I had to tax the car which was £92 and then I had to take the tax disc 20 miles away to prove i had one, and then get the clamp off. The house stuff was on hold. Time to deal with the car. By this stage i was fit to be tied and so i dealt with the tax disc but my poor dad had to take time off work to drive the tax disc to the office as proof. This meant me being back in my flat all anxious, with no car outside. This made me nervous because although i stopped driving it, knowing it was there was always a comfort, now it was gone. It was parked at the new house and if i wanted to drive it, it was impossible. Not good for a control freak like me. I know i know its my own stupid fault.

While this was going on I was suffering with a really sore neck. I assumed it was due to constantly sleeping on the couch but the night i was without the car it came to a head. This wasnt a sore neck or a pulled muscle from humphing boxes, this was something else. I looked in the mirror and i looked like quasimodo. I had developed a lump under my jaw which looked like a tennis ball. I also started to feel like utter crap with a temperature etc. Home alone with Nathan i got a bit worried and had to phone the emergency doctor. Being that it was nighttime there was nothing much they could do but i seen the doctor the first thing in the morning. I had a virus and an infected gland. Great! A course of antibiotics and rest was recommended. I was like a zombie by this point but this was the Wednesday and i was meant to move house on the Thursday!

I decided I would take the Wednesday off. I would take my pills and stay on the couch with a cover. I would sleep and hope that in the morning i was able to face the move. Well i woke up feeling no better but I had no choice. With my car now back and taxed I filled it to the brim. I still didnt want to leave the flat, i actually told myself that if i just left the curtains up it would be ok. If i REALLY panicked in the new place i would go back to the flat that night and sleep on the floor, Nathan would sleep in his pram. Seriously the things we tell ourselves to cope!

My friend took Nathan that morning and i started driving back and forth moving my things. I emptied the flat of everything apart from the big things like the couches and bed which would need to be moved later in a van. I worked like a dog emptying bags and finding a place for everything. That night when the van brought the last of my things the house was complete. Not just livable, but basically finished. And who would believe it but i was fine. I fed and bathed Nathan at his usual time and he was put into his cot and fast asleep at his usual time. Looking back I have no idea how i managed it. I went to my new bedroom and slept like a log but that was probably due to the virus i had and being totally exhausted.

Well that was a week ago. I went back to my flat once to collect any curtains etc that I had left and I havent looked back. I admit i hung onto the keys for 3 days more than I should have but they are gone now too and i cant get back in there. I don't want to go back though. I have my new home and as soon as I had my own things around me i was settled. There are still things that i want to do to the house but there is no rush anymore, i can take my time. Nathan has a bedroom filled with books and toys and bright colours just like he should have. I have attached a picture of him in his new ballpit which he didn't actually like but maybe he will in time ha. There has been a couple of nights where i have been a bit scared. In the flat It had buzzer entry and so you felt quite secure. Here we don't have that and one night i could hear noises downstairs. Well i was frozen stiff with fear but eventually i sucked it up and went on the look out. I have a son to protect now so no time for being a scardy cat. Yeh it was nothing and prob just the noises of the house cooling down, ill just have to get used to it.

Since then Nathan and I have both got the cold and today i was pretty much useless but hopefully its passing and we can finally enjoy our new start here. I will get pics of our little home on as soon as.