Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Home Alone

I am knackered!!!
On Friday my parents went down to England to visit family. My brother has moved back to the family home temporarily and so i knew I wouldn't be home alone at night. In the past I wouldn't be left alone at all, day or night. Now I seem to be totally fine during the day, but the thought of being alone all night can stress me out. Only because I never have to be alone. Someone is always here... usually my mum.
My mum was always my safe person, but over the years I have tried to make myself self reliant. I know that I cant rely on other people to make me calm. I need to be the one that can do that, otherwise what am I going to do when that person isn't around. Not only that, but relying on other people really restricts what THEY can do with their lives too. My parents haven't been on holiday, they have never stayed away from home together, not even for 1 night. When Luke was in hospital and family were allowed to stay overnight, one of my parents would always make sure they were home for 8pm. And why? Because of me. At 26 I still needed a babysitter!
I was looking forward to them getting away together but at the back of my head I had a little niggling thought asking myself 'will i be ok without them'. Its silly really because even if i was to have a panic attack i would just shut myself away in my room. I would never go to either of them and ask for help. But just having someone at home is a comfort.
Anyway they left on Friday and I decided to have a little dinner party. Basically Gerry and I cooked for a couple he knows, who have become my friends. I cleaned the house from top to bottom in preparation. It took me 2 days and i was exhausted but I wanted everything to be perfect. I did feel a little anxious on the lead up to the dinner but I think that was just tiredness and the apprehension of how the night would go. Thankfully we had a brilliant night, with lots of laughs, food and drink and I really enjoyed myself, as did everyone else.
Now that the dinner was over I had another idea. I decided i would have my 3 nephews stay overnight with me and we would have a 'sleepover'. yeh they stay overnight all the time but they cant really let go with my mum here always telling them to tidy up and what not so i let them run a bit wild (as i did too). It was another success and I really enjoyed having them all together and it was nice knowing that while this was going on, my mum wasn't in the other room tearing her hair out.
My mum bought a new kitchen a year ago and since then it has sat in boxes all over the house. Even when my dad was unemployed for a few months he STILL didn't get round to fitting it for her. So trying to be nice i suggested that I would fit the kitchen while she was away. Well I had no idea how big the job would be. For the past few days I have ripped a kitchen apart. Cleaned it... No SCRUBBED it. Re painted it. and put everything into its place. At the moment the kitchen is ready for Gerry to come and fit the new cabinets. I know i always say I am tired but wow i mean it. I have been feeling utterly wiped out. On top of working on the kitchen i have been looking after the kids again and also trying to keep the house tidy in general. Hmmm not sure i like this 'housewife' malarky. No, to be honest I have really enjoyed it. My days are filled with activity although its hard work, i feel like I'm accomplishing something. I am excited to see the finished kitchen and to know that I done that for my mum will make me really happy, after everything she has done for me its the least I can do.
As well as the kitchen and kids I picked up my new car today. I love it! I had grown attached to my old rust bucket but she has seen better days and had to go to the big scrap yard in the sky. I was a little worried about not having her anymore but the new car has quickly turned into a little safe place for me. In fact a safer one that wont breakdown at any given minute (touch wood). It is so smooth to drive and comfortable which is the opposite of my old car.
Finally it is 2.40 am... so basically the middle of the night, and i am home ALONE. My brother rang to say hes staying with his girlfriend tonight and i am totally ok. I was worried at first but the bigger part of me wanted to test myself. I wanted to go through this night alone because realistically, when I move out I am going to be alone a lot through the night. Gerry works nights so i will need to be alone 5 nights out of 7. I know ill be proud to wake up in the morning and say 'i did it'.
Oh and bad news on the job front. I mentioned it in my last post because i thought I had a good chance of getting one that I had been told about, but it fell through. With the credit crunch going on so many people are job hunting, and there aren't many jobs going, but i am actively looking all the same. If i find anything I will obviously let you know. I know i sound chirpy and things but i want people to know that everyday is a battle. I still worry about panic attacks. I still get anxious. I still avoid things a lot but I am working on that, but through hard work and determination I have definately made progress and gave myself a better way of life. I hope everyone remember how bad i was in the past and realises that if i can do it then you can too. And so that sums up my past week. it has been very busy, very tiring but very enjoyable and I am loving life. I guess its at times like these that you look back and remember how bad i was and i think 'look at me go'!


Anonymous said...

Just know you are not alone - I am a 40 year old male and suffer from much what you describe. My poor wife is my "safe person" and, loving and understanding as she is, I know I am driving her crazy by my rarely leaving the house and my frequent panic attacks when she leaves. I even have them when she is here, but generally not as bad.

Best of luck to you... and to me. :)

alice said...

im glad you seem so positive, and encouraging others to get through tough times as well. you will get there, and all you effort is paying off. well done.

Emma said...

Im exactly the same when it comes to being left at home of a night, i have to have someone stay with me. Its good you got through it though with minimum fuss, kinda gives you the confidence to not feeel as bad if you were to do it again.
My other half is my safe person and im currently working with my CBT Therapist to try and distance myself and stop being so reliant on him.

Anyway you just keep positve my dear. xx

MichelleBelle said...

Wow you were busy!!!! I can completely understand how you felt. There are times I can be alone but most of the time It is hard for me. And I recently moved to a new apartment with my boyfriend and live a few towns away from where I was living (which was the same town my family lived) Even though it is not that far I was still freaking out because my family was a 2 minute drive away before and now 15-20. It just made me feel better knowing they are so close and can be there in a snap if needed.
I'm glad you accomplished what you have and you feel good about it! It is a good feeling to get through something like that. But like you I still worry about panic attacks and anxiety....sometimes it is overwhelming but I also have some good days in between :) I think to myself "wow did I really get through that ok?" it's shocking because I build things up to be such a big deal that I'm really surprised it was ok.

MichelleBelle said...

By the way...
your hair looks different.....
is it darker?????

Lynn said...

Hey everyone thanks for your comments. You all encourage me to keep on trying! Michelle, well done on the move. That must have been tough. I should move in with my boyfriend who lives 15-20mins away from me at the mo but it just seems to scary...and yeh i dyed my hair lol x