Agoraphobia vs Habit

This has been playing on my mind today. I really should have worked this out a long time ago but its only recently that it's become more apparent.

So am i agoraphobic, or have i just got into the habit of living my life in a limited space?

Sure there were years when i couldn't leave the house. That was agoraphobia at its most extreme level. Not being comfortable anywhere but home, sometimes only in one room, and even when there being an anxiety filled mess. Living with parents, fear of being left alone, constant worrying, negative thinking, obsessing, panic attacks, no routine, day turned into night and lots of other stress related behaviours. Not a nice time at all.

And yet today, I'm not like that. Now i am OK. I have routine. I don't really experience anxiety at all. And if, out of the blue, i did, well I can cope with it relatively well. If someone was to watch me for 1 day i would appear completely 'normal'. I get up and prepare the breakfast, get myself and my son dressed. Decide who to visit, or if we will go for a walk. Clean the house and then head out. At some point ill go to the shops for whatever we need. And then after our day out is done we head home where i will cook the dinner, then bath, then put Nathan to bed. At points through the day they'd see me smile, looking confident or they would hear me laugh. No stress, No anxiety. No agoraphobia.

So where does the agoraphobia kick in? Well very rarely ill be driving the car and ill get stuck at a red light and my heart will have a little flutter. So i will take a few deep breaths and turn the music up. The light goes to green and I'm off, and forget all about it. Or similarly if I'm in a shop alone and stuck in a queue. But really that's about it.

But that's because i have gotten so used to my life as is it now and my routine. I don't need to face the agoraphobia because day to day, i can get to where i need to be comfortably. But the problem is, that should i need to go somewhere far, for example, if there was an emergency... well i would s**t myself. And now i am wondering if this is because of agoraphobia and thinking of past reactions. Or is it simply because I'm doing something I haven't done in a long time.

I think its a bit of both. It actually bugs me that my head no longer thinks like this.. 'Well i don't have plans for today, and Ive got some money in the bank, so how about i take Nathan swimming and then out for lunch'. 'Oh Nathans away out with his dad on Saturday so i could head into the city for some retail therapy'. I just DON'T think like that. I am much more likely to think 'well ill see who's free in my little area and then go home'. My routine and habits are so limited to the little bubble that my thoughts literally don't go beyond that. And yes, this is OK day to day, and i am utterly grateful i can even do that, because Ive experienced the other side of the coin. But I'm really wondering just how much of my fear actually exists anymore.

Yeh i can just imagine what your thinking. 'Well try it then, go head out and see where you go'. That's the point. I know i would still struggle, still be very uncomfortable when getting to a certain distance, or even panic completely, but how much of this is down to agoraphobia. or just the fact I'm doing something out of the ordinary, which in itself would get my head thinking... i shouldn't be doing this, this is not me, i should be panicking cause i would have in the past'. And it makes me think of the few times i DID need to push myself and travel beyond my comfort zone, and to be honest, when i did it i was fine. A few uncomfortable minutes here and there but nothing at all to bother about.

So for me i think its a bit of both. And the key to changing it, is doing what i always did with the agoraphobia anyway. keep going out, and keep practising. Make new habits for myself. I did this before and it bugs the hell out of me that i let that go. I used to think 'oh today ill go for lunch, or today i wanna try something a bit more adventurous'. But not now. Now my heads very much in day to day routine. One day is the same as the next and, i wonder how many of you can relate, but its HARD to change your habits when you have a child to look after. Its very difficult for me to focus 100% on pushing my boundaries when Nathan needs a nappy changing, lunch, a nap, entertained, dinner and so on and so on. Yes i know i can take him with me, and no doubt i will sometimes, but there are situations id be putting myself in where i wouldn't necessarily want him to be a witness. He doesn't need to see my panic. And of course for those of you well enough to have a job, then can you fit in your recovery around work? I know that when i worked, i dragged myself out of bed in the morning, got home afterwards and ate dinner, and then i pretty much collapsed on the couch. Maybe i just need a bit of an energy boost.

And then of course there is life. Normal everyday life can play havoc with recovery plans. I have family, they need me to do things. Baby sit, wait in for deliveries, sit and chat and discuss their problems. A house to run.. washings, dishes, cleaning. And ill be honest, I'm pretty exhausted!

So. Its time to start working on my habits. Because its pretty clear that my phobia has greatly reduced and if that's the case, then this is really the best time to get to work. In the meantime, sleep!

Trying my best

Its going to be a GREAT year

Oh dear dear my blogging etiquette has gone to pot!

I haven't even wished you guys a Happy New Year. Well, even though its 17 days late i am wishing it now. To each and every one of you. May it be a fantastic, inspiring, beautiful, love filled & exciting year.

Lets skip the depressive gloomy rubbish and think of the good things in life. If we get out of our houses and get out and embrace the world we can have a magic time. Beautiful colourful trees to be seen blowing in the breeze. The sounds of children laughing as they play. The sight to a cute little puppy out on its first walk. The 17 year old nervous girl out on her first driving lesson. A mummy and her little baby out learning to walk and the look on the child's face as it looks with amazement at his surroundings and all the new interesting things he is seeing (that's Nathan and i at the moment). If your lucky enough to live near water go out and listen to the waves, such a peaceful sound. The birds flying high singing beautifully. A young couple walking hand in hand or kissing in the street (gross lol) not caring who sees them because its the first time they have been in love and they are just buzzing.

Does it sound nice? Well i know that's the things i see when i leave my home. And instead of plodding along thinking of and noticing nothing at all, i try to see these things and appreciate them all. And they are right there within a 5 minute walk. So if i can see all these things just 5 minutes from my home then imagine just how much i can see if i go further.

This is my year to get out there and embrace the world we live in. We hear so much negativity all the time and we can forget just how beautiful our world really is. I think the more you start to look for the good out there, the more we see it. The less we notice the bad points. Believe me i live in such a crappy area (in fact it had just been given the title of the worst town in the UK) but even surrounded by all its flaws, i still see the good. And i am grateful for that. Do you do the same?

I guess its about being grateful for what we have isn't it. Imagine we lost our sight. The things that we took for granted before would seem so much more special than we ever realised. Why does it need to take losing something, before we can appreciate it?

I want to enjoy every minute. I want to live this year. Not just exist. I want to fill myself up with more happiness and more positivity than i have before. Not a bad resolution is it?

I'm going to love myself. And enjoy my little quirks. I'm not going to beat myself up and feel so much guilt for not being perfect. Who is?

I still get loads of emails from people and a lot of people will ask me the question 'Do you do this too?' When they describe some behaviour they might have, it bothers them, worries them, or makes them feel ashamed'. Well i can say yes. Any weird thought you have had, Ive probably had it too. Even that thought you think it completely mental, and if you told it to anyone they would be calling for the men in the white coats to take you away. Your not alone.

Examples

• The girl who struggles washing her hair because shes panics when she starts to shampoo it
• People who wont dye their hair as it makes them anxious
• People who wont get a tattoo because they wont be able to rub it off once its done
• Imagining bad scenarios. Car crashes, being attacked
• Feeling nervous when someone moves furniture
• The fear that this is all a dream
• Small irrational things sending you into panic. Things that shouldnt matter (Marie breaking your bin and panicking cause it was broken and could not be fixed).

Ok not the finest examples (certainly not extreme ones) but all things i have heard of, and what im trying to show is that we all have these thoughts. But we are special, because we TALK about it. I imagine everyone in life has these kind of thoughts playing out in their head, but we are more sensative souls so we are more aware of them. Sometimes it can be hard not to be bothered by them. And we wish they would all go away and we could just be NORMAL!! But i embrace my mental quirky side. It just makes me more interesting lol. It just makes me more convinced that 'agoraphobic' isnt the best label. I think we are all just sensative and anxious. And it affects us all in different ways. Unfortunately it leaves some of us scared to travel, or leave home, or walk through wide open spaces. But in the first 3 examples its all about fear of losing control, so theres more going on with us than just whats outsides of our homes. We all have other issues. And sooooo.... as well as embracing life, pushing the boundaries etc this year, i will be facing the control issue.

A small example... i like to have a little suntan going on. But its winter and its Scotland so that aint happening. So yesterday i reached for the bottle of fake tan and i felt a little wobble. I felt i didnt want to put it on because if i didnt like it, im stuck with it and i cant scrub it off. And so i might panic. So the control issue. I dunno why i felt that way. But i could have just avoided doing it, but for god sake why should i? Ive avoided enough and so i slapped it on not caring if i ended up like an oompa loompa. If i panicked then id work through it but lets face it, would i panic... probably not! (im aware that this is another very weak example but im trying to focus on the little issues we can face that wouldnt automatically be associated with agoraphobia). All this avoidance left me a nervous little wreck in the past and so although this might be minor, its all these little battles that make us a little bit stronger each time confronted.

And so a late happy new year and all the best. Lots of love and positive energy to all of you. Why dont we make a plan for the year ahead? Hmmm I could possibly write some ideas in my next post. And I really need to sort out links for available downloads soon. Oh and also this year no more procrastinating haha.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

I'm on to wish you all a Merry and Fabulous Christmas as i don't think ill have a chance to get on before then.

I hope you are all in good spirits, looking forward to the get togethers, dinner and gifts. I truly hope you are all calm and can relax over the holidays and just enjoy this time. No fretting or anxiety. If some of you are stressing about journeys you need to make or things you need to attend, then i send you my most positive thoughts and remind you that you can do it.


As for me, well I've been working really hard on pushing my boundaries and while there have been some failures, there have also been many successes. To be fair theres only been on failure but I'm not dwelling on it too much. Briefly i will explain.

An early Christmas dinner was booked for 7 of us at a restaurant. It was brought to my attention more than once that it had been booked at a location JUST for me, so that I could be there. Whenever people discussed the plans i assured them I would be there. I didn't once allow myself to think it wasn't going to happen. I listened to relaxation Cd's, i worked on my breathing, i visualised the journey over and over again. And when thinking about going i felt ok, whereas in the past id have been nervous for days before it. And so i was gutted when i got in the car to drive to the restaurant and felt the old familiar anxiety kicking in with a little bit of nausea chucked in too. Circumstances on the day weren't ideal and so i backed out. I realised i wasn't doing this meal for me. I was doing it for everyone else. I wanted to be excited about it, and look forward to it, but it didn't happen. I was scared to say no to it, scared of the total disappointment and guilt id feel when i went home having failed. But i was fine. It just wasn't the right time and I know i will eventually be back in the situation where i WILL do it.

And although i did look at this as a down point, there are a lot of things that are now achievable again that weren't for a while. I'm walking much further, I'm driving further. I'm making appointments and sticking to them. I'm going to the supermarket on my own. Making plans with friends. And these things have been done with little or no anxiety at all. This is down to practice, not avoiding AND my little helper Rashelle.

Another achievement which might not seem much, was Nathans 1st birthday. I THOUGHT it would be less hassle to have it at home. I THOUGHT it would be a quiet affair with close family and so i THOUGHT it made more sense than to book some venue when he wouldn't have a clue what was going on. In the end Nathans party had over 20 guests (which doesn't sound much but looks VERY busy in my small living room). It took me 3 days of organising the house. Decorating the place with balloons and banners, shopping and providing a huge buffet, not to mention pres ants and of course the cake. And while this might usually be easy, it was rather stressful doing it with no help and Nathan constantly by my side demanding my attention. I never realised that by throwing the party it meant i never really got to enjoy it. I never stopped! Giving drinks, food, more coffee, cake etc etc. I had to make sure my guests were happy, which they were, but the whole things a bit of a blur to me. In the end though everyone had an amazing time and felt extremely proud of myself. I did all that all on my own. This a girl who used to be cowering in a bedroom in her parents house, scared to be left on her own for 5 minutes for fear of a total panic attack breakdown.



Following the party i then took Nathan to watch my nephew in his school Christmas concert. Sitting in a huge hall surrounded by hundreds of people i was proud to be there with my son. To do something 'christmassy' together. It got me in good spirits and it was more evidence of my improvements because a few weeks ago I'm not sure if i would have faced that, but I'm doing my best not to avoid things so much (minus the restaurant).

So as the party ended my focus moved to the next event. Christmas. Well it can be pretty easy for an agoraphobic to do Christmas shopping, as practically every shop has a website now. So that's never really posed a problem anyway. Yeh of course i do miss walking around the city centre, seeing the Christmas lights and hearing the Christmas songs playing from shop to shop. But hey who needs to stomp around in the freezing cold, wait in queues and fight with people over the last 'must have toy' on the shelf? That was always my excuse when i got invited shopping and to be honest i think id still do most of it online even if i could get out there. But anyway, with gifts easily ordered i decided to step up and offer my mother a break this year. Every year since, well every year since i can remember, my mum has cooked Christmas dinner. she never gets to sit and enjoy a meal cooked for her, shes harassed and tired and i figured she deserved to properly enjoy it for once. So Christmas dinner is at my house this year. I'm only cooking for 5 but considering Ive never cooked a Turkey this could be an interesting challenge. And again cooking it with Nathan wrapped around my legs should be fun too. But hey these are the joys of motherhood and i love it.

I very vividly remember a Christmas where i was an anxious wreck. Taking panic attacks throughout the day i couldn't even have my meal. Instead i was sat on the sofa beside the dining table, watching everyone else. Theres video footage of that Christmas and I'm sitting biting my nails with huge frightened eyes. Its so sad to see and i remember it clearly, but i feel i can say i KNOW that will never happen again. I think that was my first year of panic attacks actually so it was all so new and scary, now i feel like a veteran.

I'm all organised now. Ive got in all the food, the table is ready to be set. Nathans gifts are all wrapped and ready to be laid out. All i need to do now is cook. But i hope it goes well and i can give my mum an amazing day, and i hope my OCD with the cleaning can take a back seat for a while because already I'm dreading the dishes this meal is going to create (i MUST chill out!!!)

Well i suppose i should get off and head to bed. Its Christmas eve tomorrow and i am going to offer my gift wrapping services to my mum, who unlike me hasn't wrapped a thing. I really wish you all the best and if ANYONE is having the anxious not so good Christmas then please feel free to get in touch. x x x

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY

To my beautiful, bright and amazing little boy Nathan.

Cannot believe its been a year but we managed to get through it in one piece. I look forward to many, many more. I am extremely lucky

I Love you Nathan x x x

Stay Positive

Hello bloggers!

It is a new, far more positive Lynn writing to you this evening. Finally!

I wonder how many of you can identify with this scenario? Sitting in your home. Looking out of the window. Your feeling down. A bit depressed. Frustrated. Your mind is running 100mph questioning everything. 'How did i let this happen', 'Where do i even begin to fight back', 'Is this my life now...forever'? You start to sweat, you feel anxious. You worry your going to panic and you look out of the window again. 'If i could just get out there, even if i just went a walk'. But then the little demon on your head says 'Noo don't do that, you'll only feel like crap. It wont be pleasant. Much better to just stay indoors'.

That could easily describe a typical day when i was at my worst, but really its just the tip of the iceberg. When you allow yourself to be shut in that little world, your mind really does take over. And as much as the brain is a wonderful and amazing thing, it can also be a right old pain in the bum when left to its own devices.

When i was housebound i felt that i could always find ways to fill my time and that i rarely got bored. Due to this constant state of comfort I probably didn't have much reason to fight back and want more from life. Yeh i knew there was a big wide world out there and people were always commenting on what i was missing, but i guess it didn't really bother me. And then i got a little taste of freedom and how different life can be when your living outside of that box. Your days are filled with far more interesting and exciting things. Your mind is occupied with healthier thoughts and more positive experiences. Instead of sitting looking out of a window at the world and constantly fretting over things i SHOULD be doing. I was doing them, and so the anxiety left me and was replaced by a buzz and new lust for life.

Well sometimes life just gets in the way doesn't it (we had a death in the family, my car has broken down and been off the road for weeks). And our plans don't always go as we wanted them to, so for various reasons i found myself back in a darker place for a while.

Don't get me wrong, i didn't go back to being pretty much a recluse. Scared of my own shadow and constantly living off my nerves. But for a few weeks i did struggle. Believe me i can see now that 'cabin fever' does exist. When you are shut indoors looking at the same walls day in and day out, it has an affect! For me i became obsessed with my house being tidy. I wasn't kidding when i said before i felt i had OCD. My house would need to be immaculate and the slightest bit of dust or item out of place would need put right immediately. I think i have identified that this is just about control. I can control whats going on in my home. And since there were areas i felt i had lost control completely, i went a bit OTT with the things i could manage. So the house was forever perfect, however i did realise that if i was out there living a fuller life, the speck of dust on the living room table would seem far less important.

Guilt. I shovel it onto my shoulders and it weighs me down every day. Guilt that my son should be out doing more things but because of me he is held back. Guilt that hes watched too much TV that day. Guilt that he hasn't interacted with another child his age. Guilt that if i could get to a decent supermarket he could be eating a bigger variety of food. The list goes on, and that's only the list regarding Nathan. Don't get me started on the other members of my family or my friends.

My friends have their own lives to lead. Their own families and jobs and children to care for. I noticed i was getting a bit p****d off when they hadn't phoned in a while. Or if they didn't reply to a text quick enough. I would sit about, looking out the window, fretting, jumping up to wipe some more dust, and then resent my friends for not being there to keep me company. Don't they know that my son would really like to play with their kids? Luckily i got a grip of myself and remembered... i am not their responsibility. They are living their lives just as they should. They are good to me and I'm grateful for each and every one of them. But sitting about thinking, and thinking, and thinking, well u just drive yourself crazy.

So whats the answer? If your anxious and wishing you could go out. And feeling nervous wondering how to fight back. If your wondering if your going to be like this forever, cause it seems so impossible and its never going to change...

Go out.

I hope that doesn't sound patronising, because believe me i know how hard it is. But i also know from so much experience, that the thought is ALWAYS worse than the actual act itself. Little baby steps, no matter how minor they may seem, need to be celebrated and noticed. Its about taking control of your life again.

Its literally only been about 2 weeks since i got back into the swing of things. Through my focus, my therapy and my determination I am back out there. You know i do go out everyday and would never spend a full day in doors, but it was becoming more of a chore for a while. Now though i go out for a walk, or a trip to the supermarket and i come home buzzing. What i do may be small, but it feels good to know that i done it, and i took my life back even for 5 minutes instead of sitting about the house obsessing.

More than once in the past week have i walked further than usual and caught myself saying 'i feel totally fine here'. Its a great feeling. At home I'm not sitting around obsessing. I'm not focused on the negative thoughts and piling on the guilt. Nathan is happy and not at all bored and fed up... it was me who was bored and fed up. I'm not fixated on my friends not calling as much, in fact Ive hardly even looked at my phone. I'm generally just feeling more positive and much brighter. Things were starting to feel a bit hopeless and impossible for a while, but why do they need to be? They don't. I can get out there and do whatever i want. I have the power within me and so do you. It might take a little bit of practise but its completely possible.

Still doing my therapy on a Thursday i am discovering more and more about myself. And although its things Ive always known, I'm starting to pay more attention. For example, i do everything fast. I whizz around the house like I'm on drugs when I'm doing my housework. When i cook the dinner i have the dishes done as I go. When I'm playing with Nathan, I'm already thinking about when ill be tidying toys away. Its a fast paced, tiring way to live, and no wonder I'm always so tired!

When i go on my walks i will try to push my boundaries. Even if i go a street further at a time. But what i would do is, id walk along where i was comfortable, and when getting to a new stretch of road i would run out and then back again to where i was comfortable. To me i was still making the achievement because i had reached the place i wanted to be, but there was no enjoyment in it. And so last Thursday on my therapy we walked slowly to the point where i started to feel uneasy. And we just stood. We talked and we tried a few techniques to reduce my anxiety. I did feel quite uncomfortable at some points. We were standing on a long straight road and so when i turned around i could see how far I had walked, but more importantly i could also see how far i would need to walk before i was back home. This is the part i don't normally like. And so my head started 'what if i cant make it back', 'what if i get dizzy'. 'what if my legs turn to jelly and i cant walk'. But i stood there and tried to hush those voices, and I'm learning that the more i practice this, the easier it is to silence those thoughts. When i asked myself those scary questions i simply answered with 'None of that is going to happen, but so what if it does, I'm gonna be ok'. And instead of rushing home and whizzing about as i would usually i slowly walked home and felt fine. But this is down to practise!

I know it sounds a bit too simple and its easier said than done but whoever came up with the phrase 'practise makes perfect' was speaking sense. The only way we are going to get results is by doing these things over and over and giving our positive thoughts some power. They don't really get a chance to be heard if we are just sitting about worrying and not actually putting anything into practice.

My therapist also made a really interesting point about how anxious people are generally always living in the future. We are worrying about whats coming. 'what if i panic', 'what if i don't feel good. 'what about that party i need to go to', 'I'm gonna have to go out', 'how am i going to pay that bill'. We are always worrying about whats to come instead of living in the now. And so this is what we are working on at the moment. Getting me to 'live in the now'. We done a few exercises that stopped my mind racing and brought my head into the now. And when she asked me how i was feeling i can honestly say i felt fine. I felt calm and at peace with myself and it was a lovely feeling. I'm going to be learning more about this, and mindfulness and i will share anything that i think will be of interested to you, or anything i think might help. But judging by how much my mood has lifted and how much better i am feeling about myself then I'm sure there will be plenty more upbeat posts to come. I really was going back down that old anxious, crappy road. Filled with self doubt and hopelessness. Frustration with myself. And even though in the past i felt i was literally rid of agoraphobia completely, i suddenly lost the belief that could be possible again. But i was wrong. Its completely possible and this time it can stick... so hang on in there people. Its NEVER has bad as you think it is.

Digging Deeper

Well hello everyone. How are you all getting on? I realised I better get in touch to update you on my change of meds and anything else that's been happening. So where to start....

The meds. A letter of referral has been sent to my doctor to advise my medication is reviewed and surprise surprise i have heard nothing so far. Of course I am fine with this and just play things by ear. When they are ready to make the changes, i will do as i am told. Someone commented on my last post saying that I shouldn't do it 'cold turkey'. I totally agree and that's not something i would ever consider. i think when you've been dealing with mental health issues for a long time you realise how to handle somethings, but if there are people out there who have been put on a medication and suddenly start to feel normal again, my advice is simple. Do not just stop your medication. You probably feel better BECAUSE of your medication and to stop them suddenly could lead to withdrawals, and withdrawals can be quite uncomfortable. With any medication do what your doctor recommends because at the end of the day, they know more about this stuff than we do.

Anyway in the mean time Ive been feeling much better and much more positive than in previous posts. We have reached the time of year i least enjoy but its not bothering me too much. Nathan and i are doing great and enjoying our little home and our routine. We had his first Halloween, which involved the blissfully unaware Nathan dress as a skeleton and we had his first bonfire night. He saw a few fireworks but to be honest he was more interested in playing with some random object at the time, he really does go into a little world of his own. He is so big now and looks much older than his 11 months. 11 months! But surely it was only last week we got home from the hospital!!. It will be his 1st birthday on the 14th of December and i am holding a party for all the family at home. I would have booked one for elsewhere but i feel that since he is only 1, home is fine. He can be lord of the manor and play with his new presents while us adults eat cake and take pictures. I'm sure he will enjoy being the centre of attention. I am not trying to be a martyr here but may i just point out that Nathan turning one also signifies over a year since i had a full nights sleep. What is a lie in? I haven't had one since.... well i cant remember. Nathan has never spent a night away from me and so every morning i awake to the sound of him ready to cause havoc...and cause havoc he does. I think i must have also changed approx 700 nappies. The joys eh. But that's motherhood for you and i love every minute and when he hits that 1 year mark i will be so proud of both of us. Him for being my special favourite person in the world, so clever, so beautiful and always entertaining. And me for my first year of being a mum.

Ive gone on before about my opinion on agoraphobia recovery and how i think its very much down to the individual. I found that therapy's i had tried for example EFT, TFT, EMDR, CBT, and lots of other abbreviated things didn't help me as much as i hoped. I found that when i took the bull by the horns myself, that's when i made the best progress. Maybe it was just the right time, but whatever i did back then opened up a whole new world of possibility to me. From being housebound and pretty much not doing anything for 5 years i was suddenly out having a life again. Doing all the things i never imagined possible. I acquired a new lust for life and an inner buzz that made me want to do more and more and more. I did get to the stage where i questioned... so am i cured now? I knew i was going in the right direction. My life was fuller, my anxiety pretty much non existent, but i still had limits on where i could travel to.

But life ain't easy. Oh no just when i thought i had it sorted i was met with setbacks. I swore to myself that if a day came that i didn't feel like going into a certain shop or felt any sense of panic, i would not avoid it. I was strong now and i would fight and fight until id chased those fears away again. But suddenly i was pregnant. I was tired. Exhausted. I didn't feel fear when thinking of doing things, and so i didn't do them as much. Thinking it was ok to do this as i wasn't avoiding things for agoraphobic reasons. But obviously the less i done them, the harder they were to do again. I realised to my own surprise that I had gone backwards. And to realise this when you have a new born baby isn't really ideal. So the guilt kicked in. This gorgeous little bundle of mine deserves the world, and here i am uncomfortable to take him to a park. Ive told you these things before and for sure my world has got smaller and smaller again. Then came the relationship issues. So to cut a long story short this year has been a hard one. I very hard one. My focus has gone from more important issues and Ive relapsed back into that frightened unsure nervous person again.

And so it was perfect timing when i was told about a girl who works with people with phobias. I had already got through the toughest part of the year and with a new determination to focus on my agoraphobia i figured it would be a good time to find out more. I was told that this girl has fantastic success rates, has helped countless people with phobia and/or anxiety. Takes great enjoyment from her job and doesn't do this for financial gain. She does it because shes a good person who enjoys using her skills to help people better their lives.

Well Ive met so many therapists and tried so many things that i guess Ive been a bit sceptical in the past. Ive often met with people with the thought 'wow they might cure me' but quickly became aware that NO ONE is going to cure us. The only person who can do that is US but there is nothing wrong with getting a bit of advice and a helping hand on the way.

And so i met with the 'life coach' last Thursday. I expected someone arriving armed with a pie chart cut into sections... Relationships, finances, hobbies, etc and to to help me find fulfilment in the areas causing me problems. But it was nothing like that. I immediately liked her and can see why she has such a success rate. She is a warm, caring beautiful person who immediately puts you at ease. Instead of me feeling my achievements were nothing special, she made me feel proud of myself and gave me a much needed boost. We done some NLP exercises and i genuinely could feel some of my anxiety reduce. Thinking about driving distances would initially make me feel tense, but after some work on these issues i realised the tension and nervous tummy were settling down. The session lasted 2 hours and was all based on my anxiety, my past panic attacks, memories of fear etc. Talking about where all my 'issues' have come from really did help me see things a bit clearer and make a lot of connections where i hadn't noticed them before. She explained to me that the work we did would be making changes in my head, or my sub conscious if you like. And so i was to let it all happen naturally and just see how i felt. Well in the days that followed I felt very tired and on one day all i did was cry. I don't cry unless I'm reeeeeally upset, it takes a lot to make me cry. But as i shed the tears i felt i was having a great release. A release i really needed.

In the following week i knew i had to try a few things to see if changes had been made. But i knew, as did the therapist, that i wasn't gonna be 'cured' in one session. Not when Ive had my problems for 10 years now. But i went out and tried a few things and although i could see things clearer i was still hitting a bit of a wall. For the first time in ages i found myself questioning how on earth i ended up with this. Why do i have the behaviours that i do. Did i get this because i am just a worrier. or could it be that my life experiences have caused me to behave in certain ways and make certain decisions? Am i gaining some sort of benefit from being agoraphobic. I have 2 inner dialogues. One which wants a life and to get out there and do so many things. And i have another who tells me 'oh don't do that you might panic'. It took me a while to realise that both of these sides to me want the same thing. To be happy and to be at peace. They really need to get together and have a chat. They might like each other and stop arguing.

And so my next session came and i expected the same kind of work but this time it was quite different. It turned out she had read my blog and learnt a lot more about me in the week that had past, and in learning new things we started to dig a little deeper. People have often said that the way to deal with your problems is identifying where they come from, working through these problems, past experiences etc with someone i.e a therapist, and in doing this you will release them. Well again i doubted this and figured there was no point in rooting around in the past because it is what it is. Whats the point in wasting time talking when i need to be doing something more practical, i.e going out! But as we chatted i made connection after connection and realised so many parts of my past and my thoughts could be having an effect on my present. Who'd have known i have major confidence issues. Who'd have thought i don't have much self respect. That i don't see myself as very valuable. That when treated like a doormat or hurt id just think 'oh well maybe that's all i deserve'. Like i said Ive had sessions in the past and its not done much for me, hasn't stirred many feelings. But as we chatted i found tears rolling down my face. I felt a huge sadness and yeah OK i felt a bit sorry for myself. Ive beat myself up about so many things for so many years. Ive carried a lot of guilt. I don't take compliments well and i expect most people wont like me. Why? A cried a few times and when she left i felt that id made some kind of discovery. I think my problems as far deeper than i ever imagined. I think there are many 'issues' that Ive maybe never recognised before, but in noticing them i did feel less confused. Lighter. And after a few exercises we did i immediately felt a sense of 'i am worth something. and i don't deserve to be treated like crap'

So although the thought of a long journey still makes me uncomfortable i am finding a little candle burning inside of me again. Just a little flicker. But i can see that in working together, and working on my own too, its gonna get brighter and brighter. And in dealing with all sorts of issues its going to have a positive outcome in where my life is right now.

I will of course keep you posted on my future challenges. The girl/women/therapist/life coach has a website and no doubt will have no problem with me linking you guys to have a look but ill get her go ahead first. I am nervous. But i am excited about the doors opening for me here.