Duh Duh Duuuuuuh

Uh oh the dreaded day has come! The day the doctor decides to change my medication.

Probably seems like nothing at all to most people. For years Ive heard of other people doing it with no worry at all. But those people weren't me. Me the neurotic, obsessive, control freak. If i am late even by an hour in taking my tablets, id panic. But wait.... id never be late taking the little blue pill. I am far too uptight for that. I have an alarm set to remind me everyday to take it at the SAME time. Obsessive? Yip! Ive even heard people say 'I wasn't feeling too good today, and then I realised I have forgotten to take my tablet for a few days'. Excuse me?? How can you forget such a thing. I have realised that while i thought I was quite a chilled person in some areas, I am very highly strung in others.

There is absolutely no need for it, like with many things in my life. I have never felt a pill is the cure. But for years I have happily taken mine thinking 'ah its not doing me any harm'. Never mind the fact it probably isn't doing me any good either. 10 years Ive been on this stuff. 10 years is a looong time. Ive often been asked how long i have been on my medication and when i respond my answer is met with a raised eyebrow and a suspicious look. After 10 years why haven't my doctors changed it? Why have I not wanted it changed? My answer has always been the same, 'its never been a good time'. Always an excuse with me hey. But for years i was housebound and thought maybe the medication were keeping me sane. maybe without them Id have been an emotional wreck. Ive never been prone to depression, maybe that's because of the pills? Then my recovery began. Well I best just stay on them while i focus on my recovery. I don't need to deal with withdrawal at this time, wait till im stronger. Then Something else would come along.

We did discuss coming off them when i was pregnant but i was told they wouldn't harm the baby and it really wasn't a good time to be perhaps be feeling more anxious.

So here we are. The day has come. And how do I feel about it? Well I'm scared of course. Maybe someone else would take it in their stride but i know how my mind works. I don't know what the doctor will suggest. Will they lower the dose at first, or will they tell me to miss a tablet out here and there? Either way, on the first day that medication is lowered or missed i will be a nightmare. I'm wise enough to know it might be fine, and while its happening I will need to distract myself, keep busy. But I'm big enough to admit I ain't looking forward to it. Once again its the fear of the unknown but what i do know is that I am willing to do it.

This happened because i decided to take the bull by the horns and start fighting back again. I met with a nurse yesterday and discussed my latest situation. How ive maybe stepped back since Nathan was born. And so her first concern was my medication and contacting my doctor. Oh Lynn Lynn Lynn you did ask for it really. On a positive note i do want this. Ive heard a few people over the last year who have been put on a medication that really HAS had a positive affect on them. They are feeling happier, more positive and are out doing more than ever. Now i am not suggesting a pill is the cure, because I have ALWAYS felt its about us putting the work in. But when Ive been speaking to these people I couldn't help but wonder if it was something i should think about. Something to give me a little kick up the bum maybe. So now it looks like its happening anyway. I will no doubt keep you informed of any changes and lets keep everything crossed that its a success. At the end of the day, even if its a horrible experience, ill get by. Always do. I was bad enough trying to get ON these tablets and if i can handle that then i can deal with some heightened anxiety as i go through these changes. My medication is 30mg Seroxat a day. For my American readers I think its the equivalent of Paxil. In the 10 years since I was first prescribed this, medicine has changed and there are far more preferred drugs for people with anxiety/agoraphobia. Id go as far to say that my doctor probably wouldn't prescribe my pills to anyone these days.

I received an email the other day which some of you may be interested in. Admittedly I haven't checked the website out yet but the women was telling me some of the readers might find it helpful. It seems to be only American but its called Healthtap. They sound quite interesting and you can check out the website or the mobile app. Certified in 82 states they put '5000 Doctors at your fingertips' and according to my email, its free! So maybe take a look and see what its all about.