The Mind Boggles

I have had a lot of emails recently from people who have been reading this blog. The most common question i am asked is about the symptoms of a panic attack or about my negative thoughts.

People seem to be worried by the thoughts in their head and want to know if they are alone or if i have experienced the same problems. I'm going to write a very honest list of everything regarding both what anxiety and panic attacks to do my body and also the thoughts i have had and again i am doing this to show that no one is alone....believe me i have been there and so have thousands of others.

Panic Attacks ( What i feel DURING an attack)

• Heart Pounding
• Churning Stomach
• Dizziness
• Nausea
• Sickness
• Sensitization
• Utter terror!!
• Shaking
• Derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (feeling detached)
• I may think i am dying
• I may think i am having a heart attack
• I can't breathe
• I may think i am going to pass out
• I fear i will lose control and completely freak out
• When at home i don't want to leave the room when im panicking
• When i'm out i can't get home quickly enough but worry, 'what if i don't make it'

When i am not having an attack but am feeling anxious this can affect me in many ways. I have both negative thoughts and physical symptoms caused by stress. I am going to write a list of both of these, this could be a long list haha

• Fear of not being able to breathe
• The feeling that i can't get a full breath
• Difficulty swallowing
• Dizziness
• Sensitization
• Sweaty hands & Feet (attractive)
• Churning Stomach
• Numbness in my fingers (Pins & Needles)
• Palpitations
• Not wanting to face anyone, switching off phone etc
• Lose patience easily, very irritable
• Always going to the bathroom (I thought this was just me, didnt know it can be anxiety)
• Tiredness
• Very Edgy, can jump at the slightest thing
• Avoidance (either avoiding people or avoiding situations i.e making phone calls, going out)
• Become preoccupied with, or obssess about one thing
• Shaking
• Always imagining the worst outcome
• The weather affecting my mood
• When summer is ending and its getting dark earlier i feel anxious
• Fear of never getting better
• Fearing a panic attack everyday 'Do i feel ok, will i panic today'
• The feeling of not even wanting to leave my bedroom
• Loss Of Appetite (some people may be the opposite and eat more than usual)
• Completely messed up sleep patteren
• Light Headedness
• No Motivation, very lethargic
• The fear of a heart attack due to a tightness in my chest (caused by stress)

Ok i will leave it there for now haha. I'm sure there are more but it's first thing in the morning and my brain isn't functioning yet. I know that people who haven't experienced anxiety will look at that list and think... 'Wow this girl is crazy', but i know i am not. The things above don't worry me because i am used to them now. They come and go, I have good days and bad days, but i seem to know how to cope now no matter how unpleasant it is....and it is VERY unpleasant.

Our mind's really are our own worst enemies, and we fuel our panic by living in fear of 'What If's'. I think all we can do is recognise that we are not going crazy! We are just anxious, and the things above are caused by that anxiety.

Like i said i am sure there are many more things i could have added to the list so please don't worry if something you suffer with isn't up there. The chances are i've just forgotten to add it. But if anyone wants to ask me anything then feel free to email me. I have had such positive feedback from this blog and i want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has gotten in touch. It's great to hear from you all xxx

Getting Help

For me the main person who helped me at the start was my GP. I would make regular appointments and when the doctor told me i wasn't insane, that would be enough to keep me happy and calm for a while. However one of the first things my doctor done for me was refer me to speak to a counsellor. To be honest i don't have much to say about this. It's not that the counselling didnt help me or that i found it to be a useless experience, it's just that i didn't have many appointments. I think i maybe spoke to a counsellor about 4 times in all. I did find it helpful to talk about what i was dealing with. It wasn't something i discussed with friends and i still don't really. I feel they don't need to be dragged down by negativity, i'd much rather we have a good gossip and have fun when we are together. So it was a nice releif to be able to get everything off my chest. Also once again i found it a comfort when the counsellor would tell me my worries and thoughts were common in people with anxiety.

My next referal was to the Community Psychiatric Nurse. I would say that this was more helpful to me. I would meet with the nurse Donna once a week and we were going to be working on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). The sessions took place in my home so i would be nice and relaxed and didn't have to go through the ordeal of travelling to and from appointments. We started with the basics, what i had been going through, my symptoms, how i coped with panic attacks etc. Donna provided me with a lot of reading material about anxiety and as per usual i found this helpful as i was realising i was not alone in this. She also taught me breathing excersises and how to relax, telling me that these would be the best methods in dealing with panic. Donna explained to me that i was thinking negatively and that by having these negative thoughts i was creating a vicious circle of anxiety. I began to understand my condition and realised she was so right! I did have a lot of negative thoughts and Donna tried to teach me how to over rule them. Ignore them. Why should i let these things control my life?

I was finding the CBT sessions very helpful. I was gaining a new confidence that i didn't have before. I could see that i could beat this. I had the strength to control my anxiety instead of it controlling me. That's when Donna told me she was leaving her job. She was moving to a job elsewhere. It wasn't the best news really. I felt i was making progress but with Donna leaving what would i do next? She told me that i would be assigned a new nurse. But after those weeks with Donna i never did see another nurse on a regular basis. A lack of staff or Staff sickness were the excuses i was given. I felt very let down, i was on my own again.

Moving House, Work and Love

(above - Me and My Boyfriend Neil at T in The Park )



The Seroxat seemed to be working and at the end of January i waved goodbye to the family home and moved into my new flat which i had bought with Neil.

Neil and i had been together for 3 years by then and i was very happy. Our new place was perfect, my panic attacks had settled down and we were in love. Once again life was sweet.



Neil and my mum were my 'safe' people. When Neil was around i was ok. I would say that the first year in the flat i was 99% ok. I had no major panic attacks. A few wobbily moments but nothing i couldn't handle. I settled in easily and was instantly very comfortable in our little home. Maybe too comfortable....



As i mentioned before i had recently lost my job so i had to find myself some work. This was the easy part. I always had the gift of the gab and could talk any interviewer round my finger. It was rare that i wasn't offered the job. Getting the jobs was the easy bit. It was holding on to them that seemed to be my problem. It was mostly office work, administration, reception, that kind of thing. Suddenly i realised i wasn't interested in working. I know that no one REALLY enjoys going to work but this was different. I didn't want to go, i didn't care about it. I was freaquently taking days off because i 'just couldn't be bothered'. I had this new home which included new bills but i didn't care. I was shunning all kinds of responsability and leaving poor Neil to deal with the outcome. Staying at home just seemed like a better option. I realise this sounds incredibly selfish but i now think this was a sign of my panic attacks becoming agoraphobia.

It is quite common that people who suffer with panic attacks can become agoraphobic. If they have a panic attack in a specific place for example, a supermarket, then they will avoid putting themselves in that situation again for fear of bringing on a panic attack. This is what happened to me.

I remember travelling to work one day and getting a bus home which went straight along the motorway. The bus was packed and there were no seats available downstairs. Being a double decker bus i was able to get a seat on the top. It was a miserable day and the wind was blowing making the bus sway from side to side. On my way home the bus would have to drive over a bridge which was very high and not being a fan of heights i didnt particularly enjoy this part of the journey. When the bus got to the bridge the swaying became worse and i started to panic. I was once again terrified! I didn't know what to do, i felt trapped. I couldn't just get off the bus as i was on the middle of a motorway so i had to sit there and bear it. I remember gripping the seats till my knuckles where white. I closed my eyes and didn't care what i must have looked like, although i'm sure i must have looked ridiculous. I thought the trip would never end and being a smoker i had a cigarette lit before i had even stepped off the bus to help my nerves. It was such an ordeal! The next day i decided not to take that bus route again. I would get the train instead. I now know this was me avoiding things but at the time i didn't care, i just wanted the easy option.

It was going to take me longer to get to work using the train but off i went. Got my ticket and stepped on the train. The train was full. No Seats avaiable. I had to stand. I was standing there surrounded by strangers when the train doors closed. PANIC!!! The negative thoughts kicked in.
I can't breathe, i need air. I can't get to a window, People are looking at me, i can't get off this train! I managed to keep myself relatively calm as i knew it was only a short journey but needless to say the panic attack had scared me enough to make me avoid any future train jouneys.

Next option was to get another bus which didn't go directly on the motorway. This bus would add almost another half an hour onto my journey but once again i didn't care. Then another problem cropped up. Another bridge. This bridge wasn't very high but for some reason it still scared me. It took me a long time to admit why i was scared of bridges as i knew deep down it was totally irrational. I had got it into my head that the bus driver would just decide to drive off the end of the bridge. Whatever their reason may be i had the fear that maybe that day the driver would be suicidal and drive over the edge and take us all with him. I was embarrassed that i was having such a thought but it didnt take the fear away. So everyday driving over the bridge i would panic and hold on for dear life and everyday my anxiety got worse. I got to the stage where i would get the bus and ride to work, but when the bridge was ahead i would get off. I would then walk over the bridge and catch another bus at the other side. I remember how i would feel when i would see the bus i had been sitting on driving over the bridge and continuing it's journey without me. I felt stupid, embarrassed and ashamed.

Getting to and from work was becoming an ordeal. It took so much longer than it needed to and at the end of it i would be exhausted. I can understand why staying at home seemed the better option.

I spoke to my doctor again and explained the problems i was having. I was completely honest about the thoughts i was having, even though i was embarrassed. I was given some releif though as the doctor told me these thoughts are quite common and that i didnt need to feel as though i was losing my mind. Ok, i wasn't losing my mind but this also wasn't exactly a healthy way of life so the doctor signed me off work permanently. I left my job and was put on incapacity benefit. It was time to stop worrying about work and start worrying about my health and how i was going to make myself better.