Difficult Drive

I am sitting here crying after what i would say was a horrible ordeal. Ok, maybe 'ordeal' is a bit strong but i will describe it anyway.

My boyfriend appeared as i was having a lie down. All the walking i have been doing lately is making me tired as my body isnt used to it. So i was lying relaxing after a busy and in my opinion successful day out. He arrived and since it is raining suggested that we go out in the car instead. I havent been on a long car journey in years. I know that a lot of agoraphobics can handle car journeys, but not walk much. I seem to be the other way around. I am never in a car. Anyway i had told him that i am up for trying the car now, my confidence has been building lately and felt i was ready to take on the challange.

I tried to explain how it would work, i need someone to be patient and support me, even if it means driving up and down my street just to get used to it. Right from the word go he was angry with me, saying i didnt trust him, he was shouting and this was BEFORE we got in the car.

In the car he shouted at me through clenched teeth telling me i am not trying at all. 'You are a 27 year old girl, it is time to get your life back'. We drove. As he drove he shouted and screamed. I looked out of the window and cried. I got further than i expected but eventually told him to turn back. He drove me home and we made off on the journey again. Again i was ok.... but when reaching my limit told him to turn back. As i write this my head is pounding so im not totally sure what he was shouting about but mostly it was about how im not trying enough, he said i couldnt go back home as we had only been out for 5 minutes. He said i need to keep driving to that point untill it doesnt scare me, and then go further. I totally agree with this....but how can you do it when someone is screaming at you??

Third time we drove there again and when i asked him to turn back instead of go further he lost it. 'So much for ******* progress'. I asked him not to speak to me like a piece of s*** and he told me to stop acting like it.

He dropped me at my house and said he didnt want to come in and sit around with me. His parting words were 'Go on... run along and sit in your bedroom because thats all your life will ever come to'.

So im drained. I wont let that happen to me. I KNOW i am doing well, and even though tonight was horrible i still did good. I am angry that someone could be that way. Im sure its frustrating for him but i dont think thats any excuse. Don't let anyone ruin your successes. I dont think he realised how much damage he could have caused tonight. I could not associate being in a car with fear, being upset and someone shouting at me. Hardly makes me want to run out and do it again. But i wont let that happen. Next time i just wont be with him.

Uh Oh its me talking on video

I decided to make a different update post and this time use video. I just watched it back and i do look horrendous but who cares, we are all friends haha...Hope you can understand my accent. Enjoy x

(Typical its sideways lol)

Homeopathy

On Thursday i had my appointment with the Homeopathic Doctor to see if there is any remedy that may help my situation. It was an interesting hour spent answering the most unexpected questions. As well as the usual questions about my anxiety and agoraphobia i was also asked things like, what do i dream about, do i like animals, what colours do i like?

I now realise that homepathic medicine is prescribed to suit the individuals health AND personality. The women explained that my medicines would be completely different from any other agoraphobic as they are tailor made to suit my needs.

I have since then researched homepathic medicine online and it seems there are some fantastic stories from people who have found their remedies very helpful. I recieved my pills on Saturday with the instructions on how to take them. It is simple enough, i have to take 2 a week. Thats it.

The problem here is my negative thoughts working over time. The women told me i can only take 2 a week because they are so 'potent'. Ok so now the word 'potent' is stuck in my head. If the pills make me anxious, are they so 'potent' that i will be anxious the entire week. I know this is totally irrational but tell my brain that! I have been reassured constantly that their are no side affects from homeppathic remedies, yet my mind wont accept it. I have even recieved an email from the women saying...

No, you will not feel more anxious but should find gradually and subtly you become a little easier in yourself and 'lighter' about life. Take the remedies and just let go... leave them do the work... we will catch up in about 4 weeks to discuss and see the changes.

I am just terrible at taking pills. I know this is due to the terrible reaction i had to my medication when i was 19. I spent a week like a zombie, my eyes were popping out of my head and i was panicking all day. I know this wont happen now but the thoughts are there. Anyway i know i will take my remedy. I actually have a feeling they will do me good. Ok, so its not a cure but if i can feel a little 'lighter' about life then i am all for it. I will let you know how it goes.

Bike Ride

Thought i would try something new and show a video of my typical bike ride. This is me beginning at the shops and heading home. This will give you an idea of how small my safe zone is... and also the lovely surroundings i see every day..not! Enjoy.

Its that time of year again....

(Random picture of Luke, Nothing to do with this blog entry but he looked so smart in his kilt i wanted to include it)

(My Gothic Makeover recieved by mu cousin. Seems fitting in this gloomy weather)

Yip, it's that time of year again. The time of year that i dread the most. Its the beginning of a long, cold and dark winter. With all the progress i have been making i decided that it would be ideal to fight my battle in the winter season. If i can keep on improving through this season that i hate the most, then by the time summer comes i will have a head start to really kick this agoraphobias ass!!!

Why do i hate the winter?? Well there are things i like about winter. I like when it snows through the night and you wake up to a perfect blanket that no one has walked on. I like to play with the kids and make snowmen, have snowball fights etc. I like to walk when it's cold and crisp and BRIGHT. What i don't like is the dark nights. The rain, the general miserable weather that we have here in Scotland on a daily basis. Our clocks went back on Sunday meaning it now gets dark even earlier, soon it will only be 4 in the afternoon and nightfall comes... Boo hoo. Give me summer nights where the kids are out playing till 10pm and i can sit in the garden for hour after hour anyday.

Ok i digress.... but you get my jist. Winter ain't my favourite. I sometimes wonder if i would be as agoraphobic if i lived in Spain, or Australia, or the Caribbean. Surrounded by beaches and beatiful waters, would i realy want to stay at home? From where i sit now, in Scotland, i look out my window and see another house on either side. I have no beautiful view, nothing to make me want to go out there. However, i know that my life doesnt need to revolve around these dull streets and that there is so much more out there. I want to go out there. I want to see beautiful scenery with my own eyes again. Not through looking at books, using my memory or by watching television.

So back to my progress. I have been keeping it up. Each day is pretty much the same. I wake up as early as i can, trying to stick to my routine. I wake, i eat breakfast, i get dressed...and when my body catches up with my mind and actually starts to function, i go a small walk. Then i will clean the house, listen to my Paul McKenna download, cook dinner and then sit infront of the tv at night. Or read. Or go online. Whatever i fancy. I myself am quite happy with this. I see an improvement from they way i was a year ago. In the past i could basically sit in my bed all day. Laptop on my knee, id go downstairs for my meals which were cooked for me, then back to bed. That would be a typical day unless my boyfriend was coming over. When he was due my routine was pretty much the same accept i would have a bath and spend an hour making myself presentable.

The boyfriend - He's still here. Relationships for agoraphobics are tough. I guess it all depends on your partner and how understanding and patient they are. My boyfriend Gerry, is a hard nut to crack. Now we have only been together for 4 months but already i hear him say to me 'i thought we would have done more by now'. He is scared of nothing. He has no fear that i can compare my phobia too when trying to explain why i can't do certain things. He is of the opinion that i need to just 'get over it'. Don't get me wrong, he can be very understanding and EXTREMLY patient, but sometimes his patience wears thin, like it did today.

Today was a good day for me. I got up nice and early. It wasn't raining for once and went out a walk with my support worker Liz (who i still see once a week). We went further than i usually do and then when i came home i spent sometime with my friend Laura and her new little boy Korrie.... and then Gerry arrived. He was full of enthusiasm about wanting to go out. He wanted us to go out driving but my negative head was on. I didn't want to go. I was imagining all sorts of senarios where i would panic and tried making excuses. He wasn't impressed with me at all. Infact when he realised that i wasnt up for the drive he said he was just going to leave. He didnt want to be 'stuck in all day again'. I can understand his frustration but i don't think he realises that it is JUST as frustrating for me... probably even more so! I am very aware that my progress has a time limit. If i don't start to show major improvements soon, then our relationship will be over. I feel like i am so used to seeing my future as being agoraphobic that the thought of living a 'normal' life is totally impossible. I would love to spend the day not thinking about panic attacks. I would love to wake up and just go out shopping if thats what i fancied, or just going out to lunch with friends at the last minute, but in all honesty i don't see that happening. Maybe thats where i am going wrong. Maybe if i believed in myself and believed that i can actually have that life, i would do much better???

Anyway, the whole thing with the boyfriend got me uptight and i knew that there was no point in me even attempting the drive after all that, i was not in the right frame of mind. I started to think of new things i could try... what could give me the push i need. I have said before in my blogs that i dont believe in any quick fix, or any therapy that will cure you. I really do believe it is down to the individual to put the work in. So i was suprised to find myself looking online at Homeopathic Medicines. I just done a simple search to find which homeopathic remedies there were for anxiety. I found a few names listed but wasnt sure where to go from there. Eventually i found the name of a Homeopathic specialist who works near by. Basically the women advised me that since i have had agoraphobia for many years the medicines i had found wouldnt really help me. Instead i need something stronger, but would be able to use them along with my regular medication from the doctor. She explained that differences in using homeopathic remedies as apposed to the chemicals the doctor would prescribe. She said something like... obviously something inside you isnt working properly and the homeopathic medicine will give your body a kick start to heal those areas (dont quote me on that ha). Anyway she actually made me think i have nothing to lose, so i will give it a try. Have any of you tried this? Id be interested to hear some peoples opinions. I now have a home visit with this women at 2.00 on Thursday. She told me that she will spend an hour and a half with me discussing my issues, and then she will leave and after looking at my personal needs, she will let me know which medicine she recommends. Ah well... i will try anything! Even a little pick me up would be handy at this time of year.

The pressure is most certainly on when it comes to my relationship with Gerry. I love him very much and know i would be heartbroken should it not work. Maybe some people would say i am not trying hard enough. But standing looking out of the window today i just couldnt find it within myself to get into the car and drive. I do find i get on better when i am on my own and just do things at my own pace. When someone is with me telling me their expectations i struggle and usually just plain dont want to do it. But thats not really realistic is it?

Well its been a looong update but i do feel fantastic when i get everything off my chest. This blog is great medicine in itself i would recommend it to anyone who is thinking of writing one themselves. Finally i would like to mention an email i recieved from a girl who told me she had chosen my blog as the subject of an essay she was writing in University. I was totally flattered by this and have decided to show you her writing which was to be an online blog and 200 words long...

My blog is called Living with Agoraphobia and can be accessed at:
http://livingwithagoraphobia.blogspot.com/ and I happened on this when I was searching for something I might know about as my gran had agoraphobia, never leaving the house all her life even to go to the shops (though she occasionally went for 'runs' in the car with grandad).The blog is written in diary style by Lynn Jackson, a young woman of 27 who has had agoraphobia and panic attacks for 8 years, and, because agoraphobia sufferers are by definition housebound and isolated she is using it as a therapeutic tool to communicate with other agoraphobia sufferers and the world in general.Lynn says that she wanted to write in detail about what she's been through and how she has coped, to help others in the same situation or the loved ones of people dealing with the same kind of problems.
The blog stands out for the positive personality that comes over in the narrative style (better than many novels), on reading entries from 26/06/08 onwards I found myself wanting to know if she manages to triumph over the panics and goes out of the house, and also keeps her relationship going with her boyfriend!
Lynn describes all the treatments that she has tried and her lows and highs. The 7th October blog contains a link to her personal file-store where she offers to share the likes of Paul McKenna's recordings for curing Agoraphobia.A downside of trusting your thoughts to the world is that Lynn received an abusive email. Also Agoraphobia as part of a psychotic mental illness could not benefit from this story of a phobia.A brave attempt to give an insight into a baffling, but ultimately life-choice destroying condition that will be helpful to other troubled young women.

So to Nicola, Thanks x

Downloads for Everyone

I recevied an email from a girl who told me about a website where you can store all sorts of files. I have made an account on the site and added everything i have for anxiety. I have a few still to add but so far i have uploaded the following :-

• My favourtie Dr Weekes recordings which comes in 4 parts. Very good for people with agoraphobia and/or depression.
• Paul McKenna's download for Agoraphobia
• Panic Away - A popular book only available online
• One More Live - Not sure what this is, it was sent to me and i havent checked it out yet.
• A relaxation download - 3 Parts (i havent tried this)
• The EFT Manual
• A book called Truth Misbelief
• A book called Anxiey Give away.

If anyone would like a copy of any of these they simply log into the website and click on what they would like. I thought this would be good for people who want to try these files without having to pay for them, possibly they cant afford them. I know i couldnt at times.

All you have to do i log into http://www.dropboks.com/ and enter my email adress as the user name. Lynn_jackson@hotmail.com (thats lynn Underscore jackson at hotmail dot com, it underlines it in the blog so you may not see the under score) the password for the account is blogger. Enjoy people. If you have any problems please feel free to let me know. The Linden Method isnt on there at the moment but i will add it and will keep you up to date on anything else i put on there. Also if there is a particular download you are interested in which i dont have let me know what it is and i will try to get it and add it to the folder. Maybe you can send me things i dont already have by email, or put them in the folder, then we can all help each other and share what we have?

Progress for me is continuing. I am still going out everyday. Sometimes to the shops, sometimes only to the bottom of my street depending on my mood and the weather, but i am still very happy with how things are. Also had a little shot of driving again, if possible i was worse this time round but hey... ill keep trying ha. Hope this update finds you all well and positive and i hope this download information will be helpful to you.

More of the same

Where has this sudden determination come from? Is it me or could Paul McKenna be working? Maybe its a mixture of both?? However, i thought i would do a short update to say things have been continuing very very well. I have been out everyday and even weirder i have been ENJOYING it. I have been painting, gardening (cutting the hedge was hillarious, didnt realise how big a wimp i am, my arms are aching!!) decorating in the home, cycling and pushing my boundaries, keeping on top of housework everyday. I dont understand the sudden change but i am making the most of it. I know i have been through times similar to this before and then the anxiety has come back and set me back but this time i refuse to give in. If i need a week in bed to 'sort out my head' ill take it but i wont beat myself up about it. I know the good days come back and right now im very happy. Today i was back at the shops. Thats now 3 times in one week after months of not going near the place, so i am very happy right now.

The other night i was very anxious. I knew it would happen. But i just rolled with the punches and let my body do it's thing. I will continue to update my diary everyday and listen to Paul McKenna.

I plan doing a task everyday, the weather has been good so thats certainly helped but even when it rains im making myself GO OUT. Usually i would just hide under the covers. I know the only way to beat this will be lots and lots of effort and only i can do it. No one is gonna wave a magic wand and make me better so i may as well get on with things. It could take years and years but i dont care. Tonight i have my nephew and then tomorrow my other 2 nephews are getting dropped off so ill be busy. Long may the progress continue.