Bike Ride

Thought i would try something new and show a video of my typical bike ride. This is me beginning at the shops and heading home. This will give you an idea of how small my safe zone is... and also the lovely surroundings i see every day..not! Enjoy.

Its that time of year again....

(Random picture of Luke, Nothing to do with this blog entry but he looked so smart in his kilt i wanted to include it)

(My Gothic Makeover recieved by mu cousin. Seems fitting in this gloomy weather)

Yip, it's that time of year again. The time of year that i dread the most. Its the beginning of a long, cold and dark winter. With all the progress i have been making i decided that it would be ideal to fight my battle in the winter season. If i can keep on improving through this season that i hate the most, then by the time summer comes i will have a head start to really kick this agoraphobias ass!!!

Why do i hate the winter?? Well there are things i like about winter. I like when it snows through the night and you wake up to a perfect blanket that no one has walked on. I like to play with the kids and make snowmen, have snowball fights etc. I like to walk when it's cold and crisp and BRIGHT. What i don't like is the dark nights. The rain, the general miserable weather that we have here in Scotland on a daily basis. Our clocks went back on Sunday meaning it now gets dark even earlier, soon it will only be 4 in the afternoon and nightfall comes... Boo hoo. Give me summer nights where the kids are out playing till 10pm and i can sit in the garden for hour after hour anyday.

Ok i digress.... but you get my jist. Winter ain't my favourite. I sometimes wonder if i would be as agoraphobic if i lived in Spain, or Australia, or the Caribbean. Surrounded by beaches and beatiful waters, would i realy want to stay at home? From where i sit now, in Scotland, i look out my window and see another house on either side. I have no beautiful view, nothing to make me want to go out there. However, i know that my life doesnt need to revolve around these dull streets and that there is so much more out there. I want to go out there. I want to see beautiful scenery with my own eyes again. Not through looking at books, using my memory or by watching television.

So back to my progress. I have been keeping it up. Each day is pretty much the same. I wake up as early as i can, trying to stick to my routine. I wake, i eat breakfast, i get dressed...and when my body catches up with my mind and actually starts to function, i go a small walk. Then i will clean the house, listen to my Paul McKenna download, cook dinner and then sit infront of the tv at night. Or read. Or go online. Whatever i fancy. I myself am quite happy with this. I see an improvement from they way i was a year ago. In the past i could basically sit in my bed all day. Laptop on my knee, id go downstairs for my meals which were cooked for me, then back to bed. That would be a typical day unless my boyfriend was coming over. When he was due my routine was pretty much the same accept i would have a bath and spend an hour making myself presentable.

The boyfriend - He's still here. Relationships for agoraphobics are tough. I guess it all depends on your partner and how understanding and patient they are. My boyfriend Gerry, is a hard nut to crack. Now we have only been together for 4 months but already i hear him say to me 'i thought we would have done more by now'. He is scared of nothing. He has no fear that i can compare my phobia too when trying to explain why i can't do certain things. He is of the opinion that i need to just 'get over it'. Don't get me wrong, he can be very understanding and EXTREMLY patient, but sometimes his patience wears thin, like it did today.

Today was a good day for me. I got up nice and early. It wasn't raining for once and went out a walk with my support worker Liz (who i still see once a week). We went further than i usually do and then when i came home i spent sometime with my friend Laura and her new little boy Korrie.... and then Gerry arrived. He was full of enthusiasm about wanting to go out. He wanted us to go out driving but my negative head was on. I didn't want to go. I was imagining all sorts of senarios where i would panic and tried making excuses. He wasn't impressed with me at all. Infact when he realised that i wasnt up for the drive he said he was just going to leave. He didnt want to be 'stuck in all day again'. I can understand his frustration but i don't think he realises that it is JUST as frustrating for me... probably even more so! I am very aware that my progress has a time limit. If i don't start to show major improvements soon, then our relationship will be over. I feel like i am so used to seeing my future as being agoraphobic that the thought of living a 'normal' life is totally impossible. I would love to spend the day not thinking about panic attacks. I would love to wake up and just go out shopping if thats what i fancied, or just going out to lunch with friends at the last minute, but in all honesty i don't see that happening. Maybe thats where i am going wrong. Maybe if i believed in myself and believed that i can actually have that life, i would do much better???

Anyway, the whole thing with the boyfriend got me uptight and i knew that there was no point in me even attempting the drive after all that, i was not in the right frame of mind. I started to think of new things i could try... what could give me the push i need. I have said before in my blogs that i dont believe in any quick fix, or any therapy that will cure you. I really do believe it is down to the individual to put the work in. So i was suprised to find myself looking online at Homeopathic Medicines. I just done a simple search to find which homeopathic remedies there were for anxiety. I found a few names listed but wasnt sure where to go from there. Eventually i found the name of a Homeopathic specialist who works near by. Basically the women advised me that since i have had agoraphobia for many years the medicines i had found wouldnt really help me. Instead i need something stronger, but would be able to use them along with my regular medication from the doctor. She explained that differences in using homeopathic remedies as apposed to the chemicals the doctor would prescribe. She said something like... obviously something inside you isnt working properly and the homeopathic medicine will give your body a kick start to heal those areas (dont quote me on that ha). Anyway she actually made me think i have nothing to lose, so i will give it a try. Have any of you tried this? Id be interested to hear some peoples opinions. I now have a home visit with this women at 2.00 on Thursday. She told me that she will spend an hour and a half with me discussing my issues, and then she will leave and after looking at my personal needs, she will let me know which medicine she recommends. Ah well... i will try anything! Even a little pick me up would be handy at this time of year.

The pressure is most certainly on when it comes to my relationship with Gerry. I love him very much and know i would be heartbroken should it not work. Maybe some people would say i am not trying hard enough. But standing looking out of the window today i just couldnt find it within myself to get into the car and drive. I do find i get on better when i am on my own and just do things at my own pace. When someone is with me telling me their expectations i struggle and usually just plain dont want to do it. But thats not really realistic is it?

Well its been a looong update but i do feel fantastic when i get everything off my chest. This blog is great medicine in itself i would recommend it to anyone who is thinking of writing one themselves. Finally i would like to mention an email i recieved from a girl who told me she had chosen my blog as the subject of an essay she was writing in University. I was totally flattered by this and have decided to show you her writing which was to be an online blog and 200 words long...

My blog is called Living with Agoraphobia and can be accessed at:
http://livingwithagoraphobia.blogspot.com/ and I happened on this when I was searching for something I might know about as my gran had agoraphobia, never leaving the house all her life even to go to the shops (though she occasionally went for 'runs' in the car with grandad).The blog is written in diary style by Lynn Jackson, a young woman of 27 who has had agoraphobia and panic attacks for 8 years, and, because agoraphobia sufferers are by definition housebound and isolated she is using it as a therapeutic tool to communicate with other agoraphobia sufferers and the world in general.Lynn says that she wanted to write in detail about what she's been through and how she has coped, to help others in the same situation or the loved ones of people dealing with the same kind of problems.
The blog stands out for the positive personality that comes over in the narrative style (better than many novels), on reading entries from 26/06/08 onwards I found myself wanting to know if she manages to triumph over the panics and goes out of the house, and also keeps her relationship going with her boyfriend!
Lynn describes all the treatments that she has tried and her lows and highs. The 7th October blog contains a link to her personal file-store where she offers to share the likes of Paul McKenna's recordings for curing Agoraphobia.A downside of trusting your thoughts to the world is that Lynn received an abusive email. Also Agoraphobia as part of a psychotic mental illness could not benefit from this story of a phobia.A brave attempt to give an insight into a baffling, but ultimately life-choice destroying condition that will be helpful to other troubled young women.

So to Nicola, Thanks x

Downloads for Everyone

I recevied an email from a girl who told me about a website where you can store all sorts of files. I have made an account on the site and added everything i have for anxiety. I have a few still to add but so far i have uploaded the following :-

• My favourtie Dr Weekes recordings which comes in 4 parts. Very good for people with agoraphobia and/or depression.
• Paul McKenna's download for Agoraphobia
• Panic Away - A popular book only available online
• One More Live - Not sure what this is, it was sent to me and i havent checked it out yet.
• A relaxation download - 3 Parts (i havent tried this)
• The EFT Manual
• A book called Truth Misbelief
• A book called Anxiey Give away.

If anyone would like a copy of any of these they simply log into the website and click on what they would like. I thought this would be good for people who want to try these files without having to pay for them, possibly they cant afford them. I know i couldnt at times.

All you have to do i log into http://www.dropboks.com/ and enter my email adress as the user name. Lynn_jackson@hotmail.com (thats lynn Underscore jackson at hotmail dot com, it underlines it in the blog so you may not see the under score) the password for the account is blogger. Enjoy people. If you have any problems please feel free to let me know. The Linden Method isnt on there at the moment but i will add it and will keep you up to date on anything else i put on there. Also if there is a particular download you are interested in which i dont have let me know what it is and i will try to get it and add it to the folder. Maybe you can send me things i dont already have by email, or put them in the folder, then we can all help each other and share what we have?

Progress for me is continuing. I am still going out everyday. Sometimes to the shops, sometimes only to the bottom of my street depending on my mood and the weather, but i am still very happy with how things are. Also had a little shot of driving again, if possible i was worse this time round but hey... ill keep trying ha. Hope this update finds you all well and positive and i hope this download information will be helpful to you.

More of the same

Where has this sudden determination come from? Is it me or could Paul McKenna be working? Maybe its a mixture of both?? However, i thought i would do a short update to say things have been continuing very very well. I have been out everyday and even weirder i have been ENJOYING it. I have been painting, gardening (cutting the hedge was hillarious, didnt realise how big a wimp i am, my arms are aching!!) decorating in the home, cycling and pushing my boundaries, keeping on top of housework everyday. I dont understand the sudden change but i am making the most of it. I know i have been through times similar to this before and then the anxiety has come back and set me back but this time i refuse to give in. If i need a week in bed to 'sort out my head' ill take it but i wont beat myself up about it. I know the good days come back and right now im very happy. Today i was back at the shops. Thats now 3 times in one week after months of not going near the place, so i am very happy right now.

The other night i was very anxious. I knew it would happen. But i just rolled with the punches and let my body do it's thing. I will continue to update my diary everyday and listen to Paul McKenna.

I plan doing a task everyday, the weather has been good so thats certainly helped but even when it rains im making myself GO OUT. Usually i would just hide under the covers. I know the only way to beat this will be lots and lots of effort and only i can do it. No one is gonna wave a magic wand and make me better so i may as well get on with things. It could take years and years but i dont care. Tonight i have my nephew and then tomorrow my other 2 nephews are getting dropped off so ill be busy. Long may the progress continue.

Feeling very chuffed!

The last few times i have written i may have sounded a little bit down. I was feeling more and more agoraphobic and was anxious that i was slipping into being housebound again. I always told myself i wouldnt let this happen. But after a summer of little progress i was very disappointed with myself.

Lately though i've fought to get my determination back. As i mentioned before, i have downloaded Paul McKennas Agoraphobia recordings. I am listening to this everyday (when i remember). I have also been trying to sort out my routine and sleeping pattern. To be honest i am still up late at night but i am forcing myself to get up earlier and earlier each day. Having a longer day means i have more time to focus on things and attempt tasks. Along with this i write everything in my diary. I note down all my achievements for the day. This can be the smallest silliest thing but it makes me feel like i have acomplished something and gives you a sense of worth. Like... today i got up early, well done me. Then done laundry, cleaned the house, cooked dinner, had a bath etc etc. Obviously on top of this i want to write about going out.

I have been seeing my support worker, Liz, every wednesday. Mostly Liz and I just chat about my week and maybe plan somethings for the week ahead. To get me back into the habit of going out everyday we started with a small task which would be quite easy for me. The task is that i have to stand at my back gate for a few times a day. When i feel comfortable i will walk down to the next gate, then the next day i will try to go further and further and so on. This only began last wednesday but for the past 5 days i have done it. I have walked further than just the next gate and have pushed it each time.

On days when i have been up early i have thought... ok now what do i do? I have actually giving myself work. Instead of sitting in bed on my laptop or lying watching tv i am active. I am cleaning, i am painting! and even the other day i began stripping wallpaper in the spare room ready for it to be decorated.

For a while i was able to go to my mums friends near by or even to the local shops. It has been months since i have made it to the shops and the more i thought about it the more the task seemed way too big. Infact i was focusing on going out so much that it was feeling more and more impossible. Eventually Liz said maybe i am focusing on it too much. Its all i was thinking about. The task seemed huge and scary and i wasnt getting anywhere, literally. So i stopped. I allowed myself to chill out and not think about it ALL the time. It has defo eased the pressure and since then i have WANTED to go out more. I have had the urge.

Anyway this morning i got up, got dressed and cleaned the house from top to toe. Then i decided i would go out on my bike. I was on the phone to my boyfriend as i cycled. I had my earphones on so i must have looked like a lunatic cycling along talking to myself but i didnt care. Very quickly i was able to say to him.... i can see the shops. He made the mistake of asking the question 'So how do you feel'? I guess i dont like to focus on that cos suddenly u can think 'Well actually i feel scared so im gonna bolt'. I got off the phone and turned the bike around and headed home. After that i went in another direction and did ok. Didnt exactly push myself but my excuse is... well i am out anyway, this alone is progress as usually id be lying around the house. Then i decided to try and get to my mums friends. I did it! I went there said hi. they made me a coffee but i wasnt really up for hanging around haha. I was just happy enough that i actually MADE it there at all. When i left there i got back on the bike and the next thing i knew i was at the shops. As i said it has been MONTHS since i have achieved that. At least 4 months anyway. I am proud and i am feeling happy. So i am determind to keep it up. I will be back out on my bike tomorrow, but for now i am exhausted haha. The photo is me at the shops. I look rough and so do the shops haha.

Driving

Ok so i was a little down in my last post. I guess sometimes the negative thoughts can really take hold. Thankfully i am feeling stronger again. Since then i have gone out driving! This was fantastic progress for me. I sat driving lessons when i was about 19 but due to everything that happened i ended up giving them up and never sat my test.

Back then i was at a decent level. I felt quite confident and could drive with relative ease. I would like to remind any Americans reading that we all drive with stick cars and we need to go through A LOT to get our license haha. If we drove automatic cars i would be fine. I would be driving by now. I have driven automatics before and i love it, but some people seem to think it can be quite boring and like to drive a manual car.... anyway....

My boyfriend decided it was maybe a good idea to try going in the car instead of walking all the time. Obviously in the car you can get further faster, but also he thought i might feel safer in the surroundings of the car. So we went out and it was me who got into the drivers seat. I warned him that i would TRY to drive but i wouldnt be going very far. Being in the car i would reach the end of my comfort zone much quicker and this made me nervous. I told him i may only drive to the bottom of the street. So off we went and in seconds i was at the bottom of the street and just kept on going. I drove around the corner and into the next street where i then parked up, reversed around the corner and drove home. I was anxious but i was very proud of myself. I was also hoping this would be enough to satisfy my boyfriend that day but he quickly said 'well done... now lets do that again'. Arrrgghhhh!!! I wanted to bolt indoors. But instead i told him i would sit in the car for a while and just chat. See how i felt in a few minutes. So, we sat and chatted and all the while i was thinking 'ok that wasnt so bad, i didnt panic, but i dont really want to do it again'. Why are our minds like this!!! Finally i started the car again and made the same small trip. To be honest on the first attempt my driving was pretty shocking haha. I have lost the confidence i once had and was all over the place, but on the second attempt my boyfriend said i was much better and much more in control.

After the second trip my boyfriend was satisfied that i had tried enough for the night. I was relived! but also i was still really proud of myself for doing it at all. He now thinks that this may be the answer. Maybe i should focus on the driving more and eventually i will be driving around without a care in the world. Ok... so maybe thats a little presumptuous but i can understand his way of thinking. I am certainly going to go out driving again and try to push the boundaries. However, i will also continue to walk as i dont want to end up relying completely on the car.

EMDR... well it didnt happen again. I feel bad as i know many people are waiting to hear the outcome of my sessions but Alison is a busy nurse and if often called into work at the last minute. Again, i am in no big rush to go through the second session anyway as the first one was a little scary lol. It will happen though... eventually!

I am basically at the stage of trying to make myself go out everyday. As the fall sets in and the winter approches, i am determind not to go into hibernation. Even if i only walk around the block each day, i will just be happy knowing that i did SOMETHING.

Another reason i wanted to write is because i have another download that i would like to share. Many people will have heard of Paul McKenna. He began in Britain as a popular hypnotist and had a show on tv. Since then he has moved on to using NLP and TFT curing people of phobias etc. He is extremely popular and his books and self help cds sell millions. I have recently purchased his download for 'curing' Agoraphobia. Like with many of these things i have no idea if it will work but i figure that anything is worth a try. It comes in 2 parts, firstly the Introduction and then the 'Mind Programming Technique'. He suggests listening to it everyday for half an hour and in 2 weeks you will notice a different. I only bought it yesterday so have only listened twice. Anyone who would like a copy please Email me. Untill next time... bye all x

Long Overdue Catch Up

Well as the title says, i feel this update is long overdue. I have been meaning to write for so long but kept putting it off. The summer is ending. The season i love the most, the season where i always make most progress. Unfortunately i don't feel i have mad any progress at all. And i guess thats why i avoided writing. I like to come on and be upbeat and positive and show people that we can get through this. I guess thats not realistic though. We all know that with agoraphobia and panic attacks it can be like a roller coster ride of highs and lows...

The summer has been nice enough. I done lots of Sunbathing in the garden. Had the kids A LOT. And spent time with friends. In those departments i would say things have been good. But as for getting out and about... its just not been happening!

Again i am at the stage where i feel utterly frustrated with myself. I want so much for things to change and yet i feel i have no clue how to fix this. I mentioned before that i had split up with Chris. At the time i didnt want to go into detail too much, but to be totally honest it was because i had met someone else. This guy came out of the blue. I dont know if i believe in love at first sight but this came pretty close to that. He has come into my life and i have fallen in love. This should be a wonderful and exciting time but like everything else in life it brings its own problems. The relationship became very serious very quickly. We are already at the stage of wanting to live together.... but how can i???

I explained the agoraphobia as best i could but we have come up against some issues. OK so firsty he decided we should go walking every night we are together. I was scared but agreed. I told him not to have an expectations but just to see where we ended up... and that it may literally only be a few metres from my house. Although i dreaded it our first walk went well. We didnt do far but he was happy that i had tried and said he was proud of me etc. Since then different things have happened. I have had bad days where i dont want to go out at all... he doesnt really understand and has called me lazy (havent we all heard that before). Other scenarios... we are out walking and i tell him ive done enough, i dont feel great and he can seem a bit frustrated. So obviously then i feel crap. Or we are out and he will say.. lets go further and go into a big speech about how im not trying. Again i go home feeling defeated and weak. Its horrible. It has now got to the stage that i dread him asking if we are going a walk. I sat him down and tried to talk about this. I explained that putting too much pressure on me will only have a negative affect. He thought that maybe the pressure would give me a 'kick up the arse' but said he would stop. I have made him sound bad. That is not the case at all. He makes me happier than i have been in any relationship. I get so much affection and feel totally loved and its the most amazing feeling. But the agoraphobia is definately causing problems. My head feels so messed up with ALWAYS thinking about what i need to do. I need to see a doctor face to face, I need to get to a dentist, i need to get out socialising, i need to get to my boyfriends house, i need to go for drives with him. I want us to have a 'normal' relationship. A couple of weeks ago i had a low point where i felt depressed. It is very rare i get this way but i was feeling realy low and scared that my boyfriend wont put up with this and will leave me. I have lightened up a little and know that i cant control what will happen but the fear is definately still there. We havent gone out walking in a few weeks now. Firstly i was sick. I had the flu and a unrine infection so obviously i wasnt fit enough, and then he went on vacation for a week. Now he is back and turned up yesterday saying... what are you wearing, that doesnt look like clothes for a nice big walk... again the dread washed over me. I guess i am looking for advice. How on earth to i deal with this. How best can i explain this. In the past boyfriends have been fine with my situation and happy to lounge about at home with me. Its fantastic that i have met someone who wants me to get better and wants more for our relationship. He has talked about wanting marriage, holidays, weekends away. I want all those things too but it seems so impossible!!!!

Ok so thats the first problem constantly plaguing my mind. The next thing is that i feel my condition is getting worse. The negative thoughts are always there repeating themselves.. what if im getting worse? What if i go to walk out the door one day and literally cant do it? What if i have a major freak out when i am outside? What if, What if, What if!!! Tonight i have realised that the pressure is whats causing this. I want to get better SO MUCH that the task seems SO MUCH GREATER. It sucks! But i remain positive and i say this is a good thing. I am getting frustrated. I want to kick the agoraphobias ass and not let it beat me. I am so sick of it now. I am sick of people saying... aww you used to be so much fun, you were out all the time, or, Awww its such a waste of a life. (i dont think that way at all, but i have had it said to me). I used to have a determination that would come over me and and i would think 'OK i am going out'. I dont get that as much anymore, if at all! Tonight the ice cream van came into my street and i didnt even want to make the short walk out there. I forced myself. I was literally shaking but i done it. That would be easy during the day but somehow im rubbish at night. Is it just me???


I have included a couple of photos. Just to explain the bottom one is my cousin Siobhann and i. She was here for 2 weeks during the summer. Shivv, as we call her, is into Gothic Style and decided to give me a make over, hence the look in the top picture.

Ok what else has been happening... I phoned Alison the EMDR girl. A lot of people have been interested to find out how my second session went. It still hasnt happened yet. To be honest Alison has been busy with her own work, and away on Vacation so we havent been able to schedule anything. But admittedly i cancelled an appointment due to fear. I am dreading the session as it scared me the first time but it is now booked for this Friday at 1.30. Whether or not we just chat about problems or actually do EMDT remains to be seen.

I have now started to see a 'support worker' every Wednesday at 2.00. I see a women called Liz and she is really lovely. Most of our initial appointments were spent chatting about my thoughts, anxieties etc. We are looking to go walking each week and last week was our first walk together. It was once again a short walk, but i was glad i managed that. Liz was happy too and felt i had made a great improvement. The week before i had been far to anxious to go out and sat through the entire appointment in a state of panic.

Life has most certainly been getting me down at times. Wanting so much for myself and my boyfriend, the worry of getting worse, the fear of never getting better seem to constanly fill my head. Weirdly though i remain postive, and most of the time i am bright and happy. I tell myself that i wont let this win and that somehow the determination will continue to make me TRY. Try and try again. I think i mostly felt down due to the fact i am rubbish in the winter. I seem to go into hibernation. Its too dull and dreary to motivate me. I dont want to walk about in the rain. I feel more anxious i guess. And suddenly the summer has gone and the gloomy months are approaching. What if i revert back to my old ways or no routine... sleeping all day and being up all night. I only hope that i wont LET that happen this time.

On that cheery note i will say goodbye haha. I hope i havent depressed everyone. I needed to get everything off my chest. From writing this i actually feel so much lighter and less under pressure. I always kick myself for leaving my updates so long. I hope everyone is well. Christine, Jennifer, Lisa, Anna, Rachel, Tashi and the rest. Thinking of you all xxx