A Busy Week

The past week has been great. I have spent the majority of it with Luke, making up for the past month without him. We haven't done a lot as Luke is still recovering from his operation but just having him here has been fantastic. Anyone with kids will know that they keep you very busy which can be great for me as a distraction from anxiety, but also not so good in that i have had no time to read any of my congnative behavioural therapy books! So once again i feel like im not exactly on schedule. Also being more busy then usual has meant i have been really tired and at night when i go to bed i am exhausted and really not in the right frame of mind to 'study'.

Anyway... Unfortunately i have had a few anxious moments but these happened on the one night Luke wasn't here. I was in bed and it was late at night. I had spent the day totally relaxing from the previous week's mayhem and i think maybe everything just caught up with me. The strange thing was that the panic was different. It started with my heart. Usually my panic attacks begin with the awful churning in my stomach but this time i was experiencing chest pains. I found it really strange as i had been completely relaxed, i was chatting to friends on line and then it hit me. I felt the pains (which were only mild) and my heart began to flutter. Then the sweat was literally pouring from my hands and feet. Thankfully i told myself that this is just anxiety. And it past really quickly. It was enough to give me a scare though.

The next morning i woke up and panicked immediately. Morning panic attacks don't seem to scare me as much. I understand that it's my body just waking and warming itself up again, and the anxiety usually passes within ten minutes or so.

The fact that it happened twice made me edgy over the next few days but i have actually been ok with it. Even now as i write this i can feel my chest tighten and can feel a strange numbness in my left arm. Oh and not forgetting the sweaty hands! In the past this would have sent me into a frenzy and i would be convinced i was about to have a heart attack, but im ok. It's not pleasant ha and i would much rather not have it but i know it will probably be gone in half an hour. Anxiety!... Nightmare!!!

Luke is going back to school tomorrow and i have my days back to focus on me. I am feeling guilty now that i haven't read my books or ventured far from home, but i also know that i've felt stuck in a rut so many times before and always got out of it eventually. Even if i was to walk to the bottom of my street at some point that would give me a sense of achievement. So for the rest of the week i will be focusing on making a bit more progress.

Apart from the anxiety the week was also filled with visits from friends and of course spending time with Chris, so as much as the panic attacks weren't great i do feel it has been a positive time. My day has had more structure. I have been sleeping better as i have been busier and my diet is still going strong. I hope this post finds you all well...and relaxed. And i wanna say Well done to my fellow agoraphobic friend who managed to over come her anxiety to attend a christening where she was god mother.

More Setbacks!

Last time i wrote i was full of good intentions about making my schedule and reading my new books etc. But as is usually the case, day to day life can sometime get in the way.My books arrived and i got stuck in. Reading for hours and taking notes. So far the first cognative behavioural therapy book is good. A lot of what it tells you is common sense but i have a lot more reading to do before it gets into detail.

Anyway next thing i know i had unbelievable toothache! It really was unbearable. For the next 2-3 days i was like a zombie. I tried everything to cope with the pain. Painkillers, clove oil, rinsing the tooth in alcohol, putting aspirin directly on the tooth. I ended up on the internet looking for home remedies. I found someone who said you should rub ice on the bit of skin between your thumb and index finger. Well i didn't have ice. So i rubbed a frozen chip (french fry) on there instead haha, i must have looked ridiculous.

So finally the toothache has passed (touch wood) but things are still a bit crazy at home. Luke is STILL in hospital. The family are still taking turns in stay over night with him. I am STILL missing him more than i can say, thinking about him constantly. His mum has just given birth to a little girl and they are in a different hospital. Its madness!

My mum is doing what she always does, shes running about trying to do everything to keep everyone happy. She has been having chest problems and is having tests done over the next few weeks to see whats going on with that.

Because my mum is pretty much always at the hospital, i am spending my days looking after the house. Cleaning, tidying, doing laundry, making dinners etc. So i haven't really had the time to sit on focus on my reading or making plans to get out and tackle anything.

I guess it's not too suprising that i have been feeling a little anxious too. Mostly because im worried about everyone else. It's not been too bad. As i live in the family home there is very rarely a night when i need to sleep in the house alone. Either bother parents are here or at least one of them but last week i had to face a night on my own for the first time in years. During the day i am fine on my own, i actually enjoy it, but at night i think my mind would wander. I would imagine the someone was trying to get into my house or something and end up anxious.Anyway, last Friday night was to be my night alone. My dad was getting ready to go out, my mum was staying in the hospital. I went for a bath and my mind went wandering. What if someone tried to break in? What if i feel anxious? Who will i phone? What if i can't get hold of anyone? What if i panic so badly that i can't get to the phone? What if i pass out and im all alone? What if i panic and can't get to the door to let someone in? I couldn't believe the thoughts coming into my head, i have NEVER had a panic attack that has made me pass out or unable to get help. When i DO panic i retreat to my room to be alone and have quiet, i don't even want people around. I KNEW they were all completely irrational but the anxiety took over. I panicked!

I thought about calling my mum at the hospital and asking her to come home to be with me. but i also thought this was incredibly selfish and that my nephew needs her more than i do. I couldn't ask my dad to stay because he is in a band and was playing a gig, so he would be letting down his band mates and the people going to see him. So my dad was leaving and i told him i was scared. He simply said 'Well you'll need to just deal with it. Even if you do panic'. I know some people might think this was heartless but it actually done me good. I thought about it and said, ok, i am 27 years old. I'm not a baby, i don't want to rely on others. I am going to deal with this in my own and if i panic then thats just too bad. And just like that the anxiety left me. I felt fine.I don't know if i would had stayed so calm for the whole night untill my dad returned but my boyfriend Chris showed up so i didn't need to find out. I ended up texting my dad and telling him not to rush back but to stay out and enjoy himself because i was ok and was just being silly earlier. However the thought of a night completely alone still doesnt exactly appeal but i know it's a challange that i am willing to take on should i have to.


So.... another week has past like hundreds before when i haven't done much at all. I feel its understandable but i also feel all i do is procrastinate!! Am i just making excuses AGAIN???I do feel that i make great progress when i am completly focused on myself. When i am totally devoted to the task at hand and right now i just don't feel that is possible. Tonight will be my first night alone without friends or Chris popping by and thankfully i don't have the toothache to deal with so im going to get my head into the books again. This weekend i have my other two nephews again. Riley & Jude are coming to stay so that means that Saturday and Sunday are going to be busy with the boys and again i wont really be able to do much regarding the agoraphobia except perhaps taking them for a walk. Anyway i am rambling. This update seems all over the place, a bit like my head at the moment. Oh and also in the news it is now saying that the medication i am on, Seroxat, doesnt actually work! Oh well that was music to my ears haha something else to be dealing with. Anyway i will be off. Hi to everyone, hope you are all well. And a special mention to Monica who is in hospital this week. You are in my thoughts xxx