Having a Panic Attack?

http://www.panic-away-program.com/audio-app/thanks-here-is-your-download.html

A handy little download for when your feeling anxious.  Be it general anxiety, or heightened anxiety, this is good advice.  This is similar to how I learned to deal with my anxious moments.  Eventually, they just stopped coming! Practice makes perfect

One anxiety replaces another... Part 1

I am sitting here with my anxiety/panic attack kit.

Not much in it to be honest.  I have my phone, my laptop, a bottle of water and some wet wipes.  That's about it really.  I have just taken a couple of my beta blockers and I am all set to ride the waves of anxiety. 

I am alone. And right now, that's the way I want it to be.  I can think relatively clearly and if someone was here having a conversation with me I would probably be quite irritable and snappy. 

I wrote last time about my separation anxiety.  I had feared that by writing about it I would suddenly make the problem much more real, but at the end of the day, I knew the feelings I was experiencing needed to be addressed.

After the blog the anxieties continued whenever Nathan had any appointments or when he had to go somewhere out with my comfort zone (without me).

The stress this was causing me was unbelievable.  In my negative, anxiety riddled mind, I had made the situation much much bigger and scarier than it needed to be.  The outcome of the situation because of my messed up perception, was bleak to say the least.

Nathan was due to regularly attend his nursery in another town that I cant get to.  He was also due to attend several hospital appointments in the same town.  Me going to these places wasn't an option, and so I would need to face the separation anxiety on a regular basis. 

My stress and anxieties all came to a head during this time and I felt ill.  Really really crappy! My head was firing all the unhelpful negative thoughts around all day.  The physical symptoms were constant.  Churning stomach, nausea, loss of appetite, the feelings of utter dread.  I was finding it hard to focus on day to day tasks. My head was like a sieve.  I was permanently nervous and jumpy.  Short tempered and never off the toilet!

I missed appointments, made excuses.   I avoided. He went to some and I would feel I done well that day, and then he would miss others and I would feel like the worlds worst and most selfish mum ever. 

My poor mother, who takes Nathan to all his appointments in my place, she was worried sick.  She worries about me as her daughter, but also worries that I wont get a grip on this and her grandson will be left to suffer.

Don't get me wrong.  Nathans physical health is all perfect so its nothing too serious. But he needs his behavioural issues looked at so it doesn't affect him later in life.  For every missed appointment I was wracked with guilt.  Was I jeopardising my own sons future? As a mother, it is your natural instinct to put your child first, no matter how dreadful you feel.  So how come I was putting me first?  How come I was avoiding these appointments and choosing the easy option that day?   A day where I didn't need to feel the anxiety and the discomfort?

Had I faced the appointments I would have felt awful.  I would need to go through the anxieties I'm filled with when he is gone, but I would get through it and feel a sense of achievement that I had done the right thing. And that night, I would be relaxed and calm.  Instead I choose to avoid the situation, to dodge the unpleasant feelings I would go through.  And for an hour I might feel ok, but soon the guilt would kick in.  And then the thoughts..... 'If you don't face this now you never will.  If you don't address this problem it is never going to go away.  You are affecting your sons chance in life.  You are creating problems for your son.  What If he ends up being like you.  What if he ends up with these anxieties.  The nursery and the hospital are going to start looking at you.  You are not good for Nathan and so your probably going to lose him.  They will take him off you'  And then I would be a nervous wreck anyway.  No relaxing and calm night.... just a permanent state of discomfort and stress.

Broken sleep, weight loss, (or weight gain if your a comfort eater), more anxiety.  To be honest, as I read what I have written so far it doesn't paint an accurate description of the utter despair and hopelessness you feel at times like this.  Your whole day is dark, your how thought process is about that ONE issue.  Whatever the issue is, it is the cause of a multitude of mental and physical reactions.  You feel completely and utterly lost.

So I reached out and I got help.

I called my doctor and told the truth.  And although I was terrified that I sounded like an irrational nutcase I just had to be honest.  I needed someone professional to tell me I wasn't going to lose my son.  That's the size the issue had become in my head and I was a bit of a wreck for a week.

It was my doctor who changed the dosage of the beta blockers.  What I was taking was apparently just not enough.  Apparently I just needed 'a little help'.   My beta blockers basically stop some of the physical symptoms.  They keep your heart at a nice normal rate and you lose the feeling that its about to burst out of your chest.  The churning stomach disappears, the shakes, the dry mouth etc etc.  The thoughts are still there but your body doesn't physically react to them in the same way.  (Let me stress it doesn't take them away COMPLETELY, otherwise we would all be cured,  but it does take the edge off).  I was also referred to a mental health team for some support.

I should explain that I am at my happiest and most relaxed when I am at home with my son.  I don't really have time to be anxious as he is so demanding. 

One day he was going out with his gran and he had only just left.... I was never THAT great when he went away with other people as my little buddy and security blanket was leaving me alone for a day.  It felt weird.  But he needs to live a normal life. So off he went.  But on this particular day, when he left, I had a huge panic attack.  And unlike the ones I had controlled in the past, I felt I couldn't get it to stop.  This was my mistake!  Had I waited just a little longer, the panic would have passed.  But I jumped and I ran.  I got my son from the bus stop before they had even left.  I was shaking like a leaf, I felt like the worst mother ever, but I didn't care.  I just needed those sensations to STOP! And when Nathan was in my arms, they did.  BAD DECISION.  That day I sowed a very nasty little seed.

My fear is that when Nathan leaves... in that first 10 minutes, I will suffer the mother of all panic attacks.  And the only way it will stop is if Nathan is with me. If he is out of my comfort zone, then I cant get to him to make the feelings stop.  If he is with someone else he wont be back QUICK enough to make the feelings stop... so ill be suffering the most horrendous feelings you can experience with nothing to make it go away.

Is that reality?  Is that REALLY what would happen?  No of course its not.  But it doesn't stop my head from thinking that way.  I hope I'm not losing the agoraphobic readers with the fact I've moved onto separation anxiety, but the reality is its all linked.  Its all about anxiety.  Its all about control and its all about how we think.  And so although my agoraphobia is still very present.... this is just my biggest issue at the moment. 

So... how do beat this problem?  Yeh... you face it.  Dead Simple. (hahahaha)

I tried facing it!!! It didn't make it easier the next time. It didn't fix it! Results weren't quick enough and so I panicked even more.  Realistically this problem was gonna take time to beat and it couldn't disappear by facing one event.  But I would get through 1, 2 then cancel the 3rd.  Id manage the 4th then cancel the 5th and 6th.  It was never gonna work.  But there were days that I literally felt that I had no fight in me and I just couldn't do it!

I had about a week and a half with no nursery and no appointments.  Bliss!  I decided to relax and use that time to be calm.  Get my head together again.  Sleep lots, eat lots. Get myself back into a good place and be ready for it all starting again. 

Monday this week arrived and BOOM there was the familiar anxious thoughts and feelings.  And all because I knew it was time to get back to reality and face life.  With 2 appointments and 2 days at nursery all on my first week of facing the problem, I knew I was in for a rough time.

So I am sitting here with my anxiety/panic attack kit.

Not much in it to be honest.  I have my phone, my laptop, a bottle of water and some wet wipes.  That's about it really.  I have just taken a couple of my beta blockers and I am all set to ride the waves of anxiety. 

Todays Coping Techniques

Today is yet another day I have been dreading. 

Separation anxiety can be a nightmare at the best of times.  Knowing, like most anxiety, that I'm being completely irrational doesn't really ease the nerves when faced with an uncomfortable situation.  When it comes to my son, I tell myself frequently that I WILL NOT allow my situation to affect him.  Of course, in many ways it does, given that there is places I cant take him.  But I remain positive that one day I will join him, and in the mean time he can experience the big wide world with other family members.

So that's all fine in theory.  But the minute I get a call from someone asking if he's free I am filled with dread.  I wont deny him his day away, but I dread how I'll mentally/physically react to it.

When family want to take him away there's a certain degree of flexibility.  I tell myself that should I panic, I will never give in and call them to ask him to be brought home.  But in the back of my mind I have the comfort that should I NEED to do that, I can.  So far that has never happened.

However, when its something else, for example, a hospital appointment or important meeting, then my control is taken away.  Again with the CONTROL.

So today is an appointment that we have been waiting on for months! About a year ago I was told that Nathan should be tested for Autism, and at the time I readily agreed that he needed the test.  His behaviour was quite strange at  times and he was definitely ticking some of the boxes.  Since then I am less convinced that Nathan has autism but it is an important assessment that needs to be done.  At least I will be closer to knowing for sure.  For Nathan to miss this appointment would mean I would be up against my own horrendous guilt. Prolonged anxiety which I will have created by not letting him go, leading me to then worry that I was going to start doing this for every appointment.  The appointment would be moved back so therefor I would still need to go through the whole process eventually, why delay it?  I would have health visitors, Doctors etc judging me and perhaps even quite concerned by my behaviour and most importantly, I would be doing my son a huge disservice.

And so with the appointment approaching I put on my determined head and promised myself, that even if I couldn't attend it with him, due to distance, then I would go through every panic attack that hit me and endure each wave of  fear.  Feel the fear and do it anyway.

We are told repeatedly that the more we challenge these thoughts and behaviours, the less our anxiety will succeed.  Our body's and minds will become used to the challenges and we will experience lesser and lesser reactions in difficult times.  Sounds great  in theory but I am constantly challenging this particular fear and the horrendous battle that takes places doesn't feel to be decreasing  THAT much. 

For someone who doesn't experience separation anxiety then just compare this to whatever your challenge may be.  This is the same reaction I would have when trying to push my physical boundaries, however, even in that situation I feel I would have more control as id simply turn the car around and head back to my little safe bubble.

But where is the escape for me today?  I cant stop my son going to his appointment, and so here I am ready to ride it out.  And right now, as I write, I am riding those familiar waves.

I was actually less nervous as the appointment approached.  Less nervous than I would usually be, a good sign! I had my new medication on hand should I need it, as I did last time.  And the usual coping techniques that I have use time and time again.

Plan Of Attack!!

Keep busy on the morning of the appointment.  Don't allow myself to sit about an over think.
Hand Nathan over and get my head distracted by something else.
If the anxiety is getting too much, step the distraction up a gear.  Do some big job in the house that i have been avoiding (Wallpapering anyone?)
If the anxiety is still not passing, call someone to come sit with me.
If the anxiety is STILL not passing do star jumps lol ... honestly! (burn the adrenalin)
Take a beta blocker

If all else fails... head to the doctors surgery.

So.... here I am. And what Have I done?  I've handed him over and BEFORE  he'd even left, I took a beta blocker.  Why bother experiencing the peak of my symptoms when I have this to cushion the blow?  But what if it doesn't work?  When half an hour had passed I assumed it must be working and I definitely did feel somewhat more comfortable, but the panic was still looming.  With Nathan gone I decided to clear out the loft/attic.  Manual labour, plus loud music on headphones could work.  And yeh I guess it did for a little but my loft is pretty tidy already.  Heart rate growing again.. Hot humid day so I'm also sweating.  Since I have challenged my thoughts before and now know I will not pass out, I will not stop breathing... my head decided to play a new fun game! Lets make up NEW horrible possibilities.  My legs feel weak so perhaps I'm going to lose the use of my legs? Such fun!

So my brain is going 200mph, I am now hot and sweaty, and since I took my beta blocker I should have quite an even heart rate, but instead its going like the clappers cause im running around the house like a nut case trying to find things to do! Its actually a pretty funny image.  Neurotic to the core. 

In the end I have got myself into a nice cosy quiet room, and I have started to write.  My head feels fuzzy with the whole crappy situation but the clock is ticking by and my son is getting the assessment done as I write.  The panic is gone, the anxiety is ...... in the pit of my stomach and threatening to rise.  But I have my water and if I really cant handle it, I can take another beta blocker by now.  Even if its only working psychologically ill use it for now, but I don't think im going to need it. 

What would be better here?  If I had went with him there would be no separation anxiety but instead there would be the ARRRGGHHH im so far away from home.  Nathan would know something was wrong, and I doubt id be any use at all in a meeting.  So for now this needs to be endured.  Not forgetting the next 3 appointments this month. Ill be a pro at this in no time!

Of course im telling myself im completely irrational. That there is nothing to fear here.  That I should enjoy the time on my own, childfree.  Drink tea and chat to friends, surf the net, read or sleep.  Nathan will be back in no  time at all demanding my attention and driving me crazy! And I should praise any achievement no matter how small.  I didn't avoid this meeting.  Nathan is where he should be.  Pat on the back for me.  But it never really feels that great does it?  What would feel great would be to never have to go through this stuff in the first place. But such is life and since I like to think im quite a positive person ill say, well at least im quite an interesting character.  Id hate to be boring!

In the meantime I will leave you with a link to a site which someone left in my comments. I had a read and im going to give this a try.  Its so cheap that it would be silly not to give it a go.  Hope you are all well and battling away! xxx

http://www.watercures.org/water-cure.html

Riding The Waves

This morning has been tough!

A challenge that only those with anxiety will understand.

My son has a hospital appointment which we have been waiting a few months for.  Nothing serious, but important all the same. We have discovered that Nathan  may need his tonsils and adenoids removed and today is the day we find out if that is going to happen.

So..... heres me with agoraphobia and separation anxiety.  I cannot attend the appointment myself, as its just too far out of my comfort zone.  My mum has always been the one who would be taking him today.  But as the day as loomed closer, I have found my anxiety rising. 

Why?

Probably only one reason.  What if I panic while he is gone?  What if I cant get him home quickly enough to stop the anxiety flooding through my body?  What if I lose it?  I could freak out, pass out, stop breathing.... and the vicious circle of negative thoughts has continued.

My rational head tells me that my son will always come first.  That no matter how uncomfortable I find myself, I will ride it out.  I will face the fear, suffer the anxiety, and he will go to his appointment and it will all be ok.   Even if I am completely debilitated I will deal with that, as long as Nathan gets to where he is meant to be.  Because at the end of the day, this appointment is a step towards him feeling better.\

\Rational thinking can leave pretty quickly when your gripped with panic.

His appointment was at 11.20am and so my plan was that he would stay with My mum the night before.  I planned to stay up late watching movies in the hope that I would sleep the morning away.  When I woke up, Nathan would be home, or at least ALMOST home.  But like plans can often do, it didn't quite work out that way. 

I went to sleep at 5am and woke at 9.  My anxiety began.  My body was tense, hands sweating, mouth dry, heart pounding.  Really uncomfortable sensations. And throughout it all I had this internal dialogue making every feeling get stronger.  'I cant do this', 'I need to bring him home', 'I need to cancel this appointment', 'I will get in so much trouble for this'.  The thoughts raced through my head and I was trying to think of a way to avoid dealing with any of it.  The best way to stop this, was to stop the appointment happening.

But with doing that I would create a whole new anxiety.  And that anxiety would be accompanied by crippling guilt.  How is my son ever going to grow, live a full, happy, healthy life, If I behave in this way?  I am doing wrong by him.  I am failing him.  Surely to be a good mother you need to not think about your own needs and think of the needs of your children?

So I battled. 

I can handle my panic attacks.  I can handle the fear, the terror! I can deal with all the horrendous physical and mental activity as long as I can breathe.  But this morning my chest was tight and I struggled to get a full breath.

This sensation made it feel impossible for me to cope.  I was going to lose it for sure. 

I had visions of me running into the street crying for help.  Driving to the local doctors.  Calling friends and pleading with them to rush over.

Doctors
Neighbours
Help
Cant Breathe
Ambulance
Ambulance
Its passing
No, No its coming
Doctor
Help
Falling
I cant take this
Do I need a paper bag
How can I get a breath
in through the nose lynn
Be Calm
Its not passing
Help


Many people, when reaching this state of anxiety, will reach for the Xanax (or something similar).  Despite the extreme anxiety I have never taken anything like that, but always had some handy 'just in case'.  Again, this was another cause of anxiety.  The what ifs when taking a new pill.  Not knowing if I would have a bad reaction to them.  And I've argued with myself so many times, that maybe that little pill would help me in life.  Just taking that little tablet will take the edge off and help me to progress?  Maybe the fact I haven't even been willing to TRY them has held me back.  Maybe I would travel further, take more risks, if I would just take that chance! Fear of the unknown has always stopped me.

What kind of life is this?  I live in a bubble or security.  Scared to push beyond that and therefore limiting my life and my experiences in so many ways.  Im doing myself a huge disservice and for what?  To feel ok?  So I don't drink.....because I don't want to freak out by the 'drunk' sensation.  I want to stay in control.  I don't want to suffer panic attacks the next day (which I always did after a night on the wine).  I don't take drugs..... because they are bad. But even the recreational ones that obviously DO make some people feel good, well I just wouldn't take the chance.   I used to LOVE a night out with the girls.  A few drinks and that lovely merry drunken feeling.  Talking about random things, laughing till your head hurt. Feeling more confidence, dancing the night away without a care in the world.  I am depriving myself of such a simple thing and for what?  Fear.  Fear of the unknowns and the what ifs.  Its bad enough that as an agoraphobic I deprive myself of travelling, seeing the world, experiencing other cultures and living a fuller life.  But when its affecting even the way you live your life at home.... well it sucks.  I want to go to the local pub and get drunk.  I want to be the Lynn I was before.  Who just did what she wanted and didn't think about the what ifs.  Relax for god sake! Lighten Up! Live a Little.  I feel like a bore!! And I was NEVER a bore! I was a fantastic drunk and absolutely hilarious (to my alcohol fuelled self lol)

So I've kind of strayed off the subject a little, but you get what im saying.  This uptight control freak behaviour sucks.  But it keeps us safe.  We know what to expect, and we know what we can handle.  But is that living? 

An outsider looking at me would probably think I'm quite boring.  Straight laced.  Sensible. Careful.  reserved.  But who I really want to be, if I could be anyone, do anything?  Id like to be the girl on the beach surrounded by friends, laughing, having fun.  Travelling from country to country and meeting new people on my travels.  Id like to live abroad, somewhere warm and beautiful, next to the ocean.  Id like to have a drink and socialise and eat nice food and share jokes.  Id like my son and I to experience the whole world together and for him to grow up with confidence, ambition and drive.  All the things I want to be and all the things I want to do are the polar opposite of who I am right now.  So am I happy?  I guess not.  I'm unfulfilled.  I'm sad.  I'm lonely.  And there's no one to blame for that but me.  I don't actively fight it the way I used to.  I tell myself that ill do those things 'one day' but I don't really make any steps towards achieving it.  I stay safe.  And I appreciate that within that safety net I have a lot to be grateful for.  Ill never forget those years when I couldn't leave my house.  I practically couldn't leave one room.  I could never be on my own.  And so what I have become now HAS taken work, and it has shown strength and ill never take those successes for grated.  I know there are people out there who as in a much worse place than me so please don't think of me as ungrateful.  I am lucky to be where I am.  But there is so much more to life.  And I want to live it.

Back on to this morning.  The waves of panic were getting quite unbearable and I got to the point when I decided I was stopping the appointment.  My parents would be disappointed, my sons future health was hindered.  The nursery staff would judge me. I was setting myself up for more unhappiness, stress and anxiety. This appointment wasn't going to go away.  Id need to go through this all again at a later date so procrastinating was only leading to more upset.  Feel the fear and do it anyway, isn't that what they say?

The panic always passes.  It does comes in waves.  Some waves are bigger than others.  Some take longer to pass, but they DO always pass.  And so my rational voice was battling to be heard. 

'No.  I will not give into this'.  'I will face this and I will deal with whatever comes next.  My son is going.  And I will not do this anymore.'

As my chest tightened again and I struggled for breath I thought to myself.... 'Fuck this'

I reached into the cabinet and I found the pills that I have never ever relied on before.  Why am I allowing myself to suffer like this when I've been told that this little tablet can help me.  It can take the edge off all this.  It stops the physical symptoms of anxiety apparently.  The sweating, the shaking, the heart pounding, but best of all... it stops the shortness of breath and the tightening of the chest.  I popped the packet and I took it.

For anyone else this is nothing.  Its regular.  They pop pills for all sorts of ailments. But that's just not me. So this small thing was actually a massive step for me.  I handed that control to something else.  My fear was always that id panic (surprise eh), I was scared id take the pill, and then I would freak out.  Cause once you've swallowed it there's not much you can do. But as I swallowed I felt relief. A sense of strength, pride even! That I had faced it and gone down a different route.

And here I am.  My son is now miles away at his appointment.  I'm sitting here anxiety free.  No horrendous symptoms.  No discomfort.  And I don't need to face weeks of guilt and shame for hindering his progress.  I could have spent today hating myself and fretting about the future and all the things I cannot control. But instead I tell myself that I faced today with some inner strength and I won.  Today has been a good day

Hello 2014 the year of... ME

Oh yes this will be my year. It's going to be filled with positivity and happiness and wonderful new experiences and joy and laughter and ..... Well it better be cause 2013 SUCKED

Ok I I'm more of a 'glass half full' kind of girl so I'd like to focus on the GOOD from last year. 

1. I survived it 

2. I survived another year as a mother which deserves even more credit as it was the year of the 'terrible twos'

3. I stayed sane. 

4. I kicked out my cheating, draining, manipulative boyfriend. 

5. I had some good times with friends. 

6. Attended all important events in my son Nathan's life. 

7.  Had a lovely Christmas.. Kind of

I'm sure there are more but I'm picking those off the top of my head. The year started off difficult in my unhappy relationship. Nathan's dad was there in body but not in mind. I've always felt I raise Nathan alone and so for much of the time I was very very tired. 

When I finally found out that Gerry, the boyfriend, was cheating again. I kicked him out and took great pride in that. I knew it was the right thing to do and that now my life could only get better, right? 

Well what followed was just more stress, which I wrote about in the previous post. Arguments and access agreements along with trying to adjust to life without him.. Again. It's definitely possible to love someone and hate them at the same time. 

In the past few months we have drifted further apart. Contact has been limited but I've watched as Gerry moves away (through work). Starts a new relationship and generally seems quite happy. And that's where I struggle. 

How come I'm still upset? How come I'm stuck in the past, reminiscing about the good times?  There weren't that many and yet I can't let go. I'm sick of people saying to me 'you need to move on'. That's a lot easier said than done!  I loved that guy. I was engaged to be married for a reason and I had his baby. He hurt me over and over and over and I kept on taking him back. Was it love or was it low self respect? Even now I'm not entirely sure. But I'll admit there have been times in the last few months when is still have welcomed him home. 

All reason and rational thinking goes out the window. I was never happy, he was never supportive. In fact he was the opposite!  My agoraphobia was a MASSIVE issue and ended up being his reason for all the things he did to me. Genuine reason or poor cop out? You decide. 

But I think what makes me weak is missing that sense of belonging. Missing the 'family' set up. Feeling a part of something. So from 5 years with a guy I loved more than I have ever loved anyone. Talking about marriage. Having our son. Planning more. Looking to the future. Well from all that 'familiarity' I'm

Suddenly on my own. 

Huge positives can be gained from this!  I am no longer often in tears. I'm no longer living a life where I am walking on egg shells. I no longer expect some random woman to contact me through facebook or whatever to tell me she's sleeping with my partner. I can watch what I want on tv without my choice of program being critised. I can go see friends and family whenever I like without being times then given into trouble for taking so long.  Reestablish friendships that had been neglected. Invite whoever I want into my own home. I had freedom!!! 

But with the highs come the lows. God it's boring at times. And wow it is lonely. 

Being agoraphobic I don't have lots and lots of friends. But at 32, my friends are all living their own lives. They are married with kids or have careers going on which means they aren't always available. I have some friends where i can call them for a chat but they don't really invite me to so anything as they probably expect it to be outwith my comfort zone. If only they knew that I'd be happy even to visit then in their home before I go insane with the tedium of everything being the same humdrum routine day in and day out. 

I had a brief period last year when I felt so stressed that I really felt something was going to give. I felt I needed to speak to someone about my stress levels and get it under control and fast. But I'm realising I do actually understand my body really well now and when this stuff happens I feel able to cope and get through.

Ever since my last post I've been fine. Nathan is probably the main factor. With a little boy to raise you just have to keep going and step up to the mark. I am always very aware that I should be doing more but I am also very aware that I'm also doing really well under the circumstances. 

I've taken Nathan to nursery everyday on my own, even when I've wanted to avoid it. I've attended all meeting with the child psychologist regarding his behaviour issues (possible autism although still undiagnosed) 

We have played together. Walked. Laughed. And all the usual things, done the shopping, visited friends and family. And he's a happy little boy of whom I am very very proud. 

I've allowed his dad access when I've been crippled with anxiety about letting him go. 

And at Christmas I was able to spoil him rotten with a ridiculous amount if gifts and enjoyed every second if creating magical memories. Just us. 

In a way I am really proud that I've managed to keep it together. We have a lovely home which is always spotless. Nathan is always well dressed and presentable. To an outsider we are just a normal little family and it's nice. And I tell myself in so lucky and fortunate for all these things. And I need to also appreciate that every day I'm away from my ex, it's another step in the right direction. Another step towards peace, happiness and strength. 

And so I begin this year still single. I have thought about starting new relationships but tell myself to take this time to focus on me. Focus on Nathan. These special years together, as they pass so quickly. It would be fantastic to meet someone new who accepted me, my son, my anxiety, my limitations. But I'm realistic and I know that's a lot to take on. A few months ago things were bad with the ex and there were lawyers involved so it definitely wasn't the right time. Yes I have found myself signing up to 'internet dating' but I ask myself how that's going to work exactly. How can I tell someone... Well I don't want anything serious because I'm

Focusing on my son right now. I also suffer from anxiety/agoraphobia so I won't really be able to go on a date with you, at least not somewhere far. Maybe the local pub near me which is pretty dismal and that's about it? It seems a bit pointless and so I'll let things happen naturally and hopefully I will meet someone at some point. 

So I lie here in my bed, Nathan's asleep in his, and I spend the nights mostly on my own. With the nursery being on holiday for Christmas we or should I say I, have gotten a little lazy. Our routine has changed slightly and I'm in a bit if a rut. My days are pretty much always the same. But I live my life anxiety free. 

Sounds ok in theory but I'm not really living. I'm just existing. I want more and I'm glad I have that desire within me. I'm looking forward to Nathan starting nursery next week and creating a fuller life for us. I plan on rejoining the gym, which I kind of gave up last year. I plan on going out more and even if I'm tired or feeling lazy, I'll make myself go do something. I'm bored! And there's no one to blame but myself. As an agoraphobic and someone so stuck in routine I don't think like other people. I don't wake up and think 'ooooo what will I do today, where will I go'? I just think 'ok I'll have breakfast. Go a walk. Then prob just go home again' it's boring!! I need a bigger variety of things to do and again that's easier said than done but it needs to start somewhere. I'm also very conscience of Nathan thinking that this routine is normal life. That he is raised in this little bubble with no desire for more. No ambition! So it's just not happening anymore. 

I approach 2014 independent. Stronger. Positive. And excited. 

Is it weird that as an agoraphobe I'm finding myself say 'to hell with anxiety I think I would like to jump on a 18 hour flight and move to Australia'? (Yes that MIGHT prove a little difficult but you can't mock my ambition, if I can just get to my local doctors for some sedatives first' 

I know that anything is possible if we try. It really is!!!  And I know that positively undoubtedly attracts positive things. I've seen it for myself time and time again. I don't experience anxiety that much because I've Actually found myself thinking 'we'll if I have a panic attack and completely freak out I will need to go to hospital in an ambulance and at least id be out doing something. It might be quite exciting' clearly with that attitude the panic is never going to happen (touch wood) 

I discovered the blogger app on my phone tonight so I can see me posting much more often now from my bed as I nod off to sleep. You may need to read the weary rantings of a stressed out mum or the happy positive tales of a successful day out. Who knows. Either way, it's nice to be back xxx 

Stress Stress Stress

Hello!

This is the longest I have ever went without posting.  There are a few reasons but mostly just life! Life has gotten in the way and there has been a lot of diversions in my way.

This has been 1 tough year!  I like to think that I can be pretty strong but sometimes things can get in top of me, and the last few months have been no exception.

So to sum up the mental side of my life, for those who haven't read my blog before'. I am 32 years old, I have had anxiety since I was 19, which lead to full blown agoraphobia at the age of around 22/23.  After 5 years of doing NOTHING but sitting at home, I fought back. I fell in love, I got engaged, I got pregnant, I got a house and I moved out of the family home.  I learned to drive. I started living again.  I pushed the boundaries. Took on new challenges that I never imagined would ever be possible! I kicked anxieties ass to be honest. But then life got in the way.

My relationship turned sour in the most horrendous way.  Cheating, mental and verbal abuse. Then physical abuse. The police were involved, Court dates, yadda yadda yadda. But I stayed strong and I kept fighting the anxiety. I took him back. Yeh I know I am an idiot but we all do crazy things when in love.  And I tried to make it work, keep the family together. But as I knew it would the cheating and the unhappiness happened all over again, just as I knew it would.

So.... that brings us to this year.  We started the year together, Nathans dad and I.  Why did he cheat?  Well because of my agoraphobia.  He wants to live a life full of travel and excitement and he wants to share those experiences with a partner.  And so although I knew he went about it in the wrong way (over and over and over again) I also felt like I couldn't really blame him.  Maybe that's wrong but its how I felt. We didn't do anything together.  He wasn't a very hands on father and worked away A LOT. So I was left raising Nathan alone.  I found it really difficult focusing on tackling my anxiety when I had other responsibilities to deal with.

Being a Mum

Breakfast, Bath, Get dressed, Go to the shops, Lunch Time, Nap time, Play time, Dinner, Pajamas on, Bed.

So when and where do I fit in getting out there and pushing?? When  do I fight back?

Do I take my son out in the car and see how far I can go?  I suppose that's possible but I never really felt it was fair on him.  Especially if I did panic. A 2 year old ain't gonna help me out is he?

And so every day blurred into the next.  Days turned into weeks and weeks to months.  My partner would arrive home after working away and I would just enjoy seeing him.  I was happy to make a meal and just be a family at home.  Cuddle up and share our sons experiences.

'Look how much he has grown and hes learned so many new words this week. Watch this new thing he can do' 

I was proud. He was only ever home for a couple of days at a time. And so we never really made plans.  Big mistake I guess, looking back.  But my limitations had crept back up on me and I wasn't comfortable doing much.

Within my little bubble I could function fine.  Going small walks and drives.  Taking Nathan to the park. Visiting friends and family.  But there isn't much in my little town.  Certainly no nice restaurants or recreational facilities. To do those things we would need to travel further. And since I wasn't getting a chance to practise that stuff, well I couldn't suddenly just do it because my partner wanted me to.  As much as I might have liked to.

I did explain that we needed to start small.  That when he was home he should come with Nathan and I to the park.  We should try swimming in the new pool.  Small family things.  Get me used to being with him again as I was always doing things alone. Just Nathan and I.

We went to the park once.  Just once.

He continued to work and work and when he was home he would explain he had a night out with the boys planned, which I was always ok with. He deserves it, he works hard!

He wasn't on nights out with the boys.  He was out with other women.  Nights out, champagne, hotel stays.  Some will say it was wrong.  Some will say he needed it.  Its irrelevant now.

Round about April I realised the extent of what had been doing on and so I asked him to leave.  I packed up all his stuff and closed the door.  Time to start again.

I felt pride that I had stood up for myself. Cause I knew that what he did was wrong.  I was keeping house and raising Nathan, doing a good job of both.  Ok I have anxiety issues but here is no need for that kind of betrayal.  And so for the first few months I was strong, probably because I was angry.

But time passes and emotions change.  I went through anger, then I went numb, kind of blocked it out.  We kept in touch now and then by phone but there was no real contact. He had moved with his work and was now a plane trip away.  Probably the best for us, but not really the best for being a dad.

We went through 7 weeks with no visits. Nathan got the odd phone call or facetime but that was it.  Then 3 weeks ago he said he was coming up and wanted to see his son. 

I have explained on here before that I have been struggling with separation anxiety when it comes to Nathan. I don't mind him being away from me, but due to my own issues with distance, I don't like when I know hes far away.  Ive always said I would let my agoraphobia affect him as little as possible. So ive had to suck it up and let it go.  When he goes out for the day with his grandparents, sometimes im fine. Sometimes I struggle.  I can never really predict how i'm going to react. But I am used to them taking him out, I am not used to his dad taking him out.  So... I can get really nervous.  Call it irrational but its all anxiety pretty irrational?

So he came up for his first visit and it was pretty horrendous.  Throughout all the years we were together I kind of shut down my emotions as I just couldn't handle anymore pain. Im generally pretty numb now and don't really express emotions at all. I never cry. never.  But when he came back into our home I felt it. My anxiety and pain all came to the surface and it was scary! I cried, I felt sick, I panicked. God I must have been attractive!! But I also felt like it was a release I had been needing for a long long time.  Why did I feel those things?  Well I realised that there was no hatred there anymore.  Yes I will never forgive or forget what he has done, but mostly I was just heartbroken that our family was in tatters.  And that my son will now be raised without a full time dad.  That he will never remember us being a couple.  I was also very aware that my back up was gone.  My support.  Someone to take a little bit of the parental pressure off whenever he was home from work.  This was it now. I was on my own.

My devastation changed nothing.  In those moments I would have taken him back.  As crazy as I know that is, I'm just telling the truth. I would have had him back in a heartbeat.  But he didn't want it.  Said he couldn't go back to that life.  And so he was gone.

What now?  Back to the grind.  Full time mum head back on.  Emotions reeled back in, huge wall built around myself I got on with things.  Mum duties commenced and I was OK.  I decided that I have had enough of anxiety, of limitations.  I am tired of looking at facebook and feeling envy towards the people checking in at the airport, or posting pictures of family days out at the beach.  Do they know how truly lucky they are?

So I called my doctor and told them I needed some help.  I told them its high time my meds are changed because mines just do not work.  Ive been on them for over ten years so I must be immune by now! Ive been talking about changing for a long time but avoided it like everything else.  I also explained that I am exhausted ALL. THE. TIME.  So we arranged for some blood tests to be done.  Something else I had been meaning to get round to.  Apparently they are giving me a really good check up and are testing for all sorts, anaemia, thyroid problems etc. All tests done, the results are due any day.

So while all this is going on something even more important happened when I was called into the nursery.  The teachers wanted to have a word with me about Nathan.  OK so at this point Nathan was 2 and a half years old, but they had noticed a few things that concerned them.  Nathans speech was quite immature, but I just assumed this was a 'boy thing'.  My nephews were quite slow with their talking and so it never overly worried me.  His speech and a few other behaviours were discussed, very minor things, but they asked if I would mind if the education psychologist could observe him (along with a few of the other children)  Obviously I agreed and so I was called back in a few weeks later for the results.  Basically I have a very happy very clever little boy, but he is showing some signs of autism.

At 2 and a half they don't want to label him as it is too early to tell.  But he has been referred to speech and language therapy and we are taking it from there.  The psychologist did say things like 'will struggle at school' which did come as a surprise to me as I do agree that hes very clever, but only time will tell. However, this is the start of a long process of meetings and obviously a worrying time too.  So the stress levels are being thoroughly tested.

3 weeks back at work and Nathans dad announces hes coming back for a visit. This time he doesn't want to see me, he wants to take Nathan away on his own.  We have had a total communication breakdown now and all we do is fight. Via phone, via email, via text.  And so I thought I would do the sensible thing and contact a lawyer.  I thought it would be best to have a 3rd party make the necessary arrangements as we just cannot talk to one another anymore. He did not like this at all.  I would have thought it would suit him better, as it protects him too, but he wasn't happy.  After a lot more texts back and forth he finally agreed he would contact his lawyer. BUT since he doesn't have time to do it on this visit he wants Nathan before the agreement is made.  Tomorrow.

So the arrangement is that Nathans granddad will pick him up and take him to his dad. And I feel ill. I know this has to be done. Would I be feeling ok about this if I didn't have the anxiety issues?  I don't want it but im decent enough to know that what hes done to me shouldn't affect his relationship with his son. And Nathan will be happy to see his dad.

And so the saga continues................................

What never fails to amaze me is the physical symptoms extreme stress can cause. In the worst moments I have literally felt like my brain has expanded and my head is swimming.  The saying 'cant think straight' is an understatement.  I've had palpitations, sweats, panic, breathlessness, dizzy spells, pins and needles in my hands, and really crappy thoughts.  Someone described this as 'stinking thinking' which I thought was quite good. Dealing with the mental and physical symptoms of stress is scary! But in a way its been a good challenge for me as I have faced it, accepted it and found out the best ways to keep myself comfortable.  Sometimes I have felt like something is ready to give.  Surely I cannot handle another blow, ill lose it! But I surprise myself that eventually I pull myself together and it passes.  I am staying positive and telling myself that ive had a bit of a tough time but I am still strong and still focused on a good life for myself and Nathan. And now I am completely single and the unhealthy relationship is over, surely things can only get better?

24 hours in my head

Hello!!!!

Cant quite believe my last post was in January. I knew it had been a while but JEEZ! Many apologies im sure you have all been on the edge of your seats to hear about the latest goings on in my life (yes im being sarcastic) So firstly a quick update.  I am still working and I am still a non smoker. YEY! High 5s all round.

The website has completely changed and grew quite a lot since I last wrote.  I am now working from www.cherishedgifts.co.uk.

That's the basics. What else can I report.

I missed my best friends wedding. Couldn't make the journey and was totally gutted, but I put the memory into a little box in my brain never to be revisited (until blogging). Why dwell on it and upset myself? I didn't make it, I cant change it I can only look forward.

Winter here has lasted forever.  Today has been our first day of sun and its really had an effect.  I have been feeling very 'flat'.  Usually by this time of year we have had a few weeks of sunshine.  Im rocking a nice little tan and all the lovely vitamins from the sun have perked me up and im quite a happy soul.  The grey gloom has pulled me down a bit, and the demand of the website has caused a few issues. 

I have customers who are relying on me. That's pressure.  I have deliveries that need to be made on time.  That's pressure.  If I was to describe the ins and outs I would bore you but lets just say a lot of time and energy needs to go into the business and it all equals pressure and stress which for someone with anxiety, isn't necessarily a good thing.

On the outside im sure I look like im in control. Im doing well. Nathan is doing great, such a happy boy as always.  Inside my head is spinning.  Join me for 24 hours in my head. ...

Uch its 6 am
What will we do today
I cant travel many places with Nathan. That's not fair on him
Am I a crap mum
Better give him breakfast.
Poor Nathan deserves better than this
Its raining where can we go
We cant stay in all day its not fair on Nathan and I need out
Everyones at work, no one to visit. Cant go anywhere decent on my own with him... too nervous
We will go a walk.
Post mans been. Deliveries. Lets sort these orders.
whos is this, where does this go, need to get these sorted
'be there in a minute Nathan mummies busy'
This isn't fair on him either.
Parcels ready.
Tidy the house, bath time. look out clothes.
Poor Nathan sitting watching tv alone... bored im sure. Bad mum
OK we will go to the post office and the shop. At least we are getting out
Jobs done... now what.
Weve been out for half an hour, that's not enough.
Where to go? We will go a walk.
Ive walked where I can comfortably walk to. Poor Nathan this isn't enough.
Hes pulling to go further but mummys pulling him back in another direction with some excuse.
(passing my relfection in a mirror) god I look tired
I am tired
Im exhausted.
I need to eat better
I eat a lot of junk!
I am getting no goodness from my food
I should really look into getting some vitamins.
I wonder if im ill
Im always tired. Wonder if theres something more to it?
IM awfully thin looking. Not good
And when will I get to a dentist. My teeth are a mess
But im too scared. I don't like that numbness and the fact I cant control it
Lunch time. What to make
Soup again Nathan. Boring. Easy. Crap Mum
What now?
Draw, play? Pass time
Dinner. Mediocre. As long as you eat im happy, but wheres the goodness in that meal. bad mum
Bed time. Story time. Love love love you baby.
Guilt
He deserves more
He will get more
Ill do better
when im stronger
He has love and a happy home. That's what matters
He is clever and happy. That's what matters
I will make sure he grows up full of dreams and ambition
He wont end up like me
am I making him like me?
Work on the website
Work
work
work
stress
anxiety
work
lights out. am I ok
im anxious and that had all gone
Am I depressed? ive never been depressed. I don't want to be depressed.
maybe my meds aren't working anymore
do I need to try new ones
I don't want to try new ones
sleep
wake up
what will we do today?
Thank god he has nursery so hes being entertained and not stuck with me

And congratulations you have just spent 24 hours in my head.  Not good at the moment. But I know why. And I know how to fix it.

I would come on here and tell you all the good things that have been going on. Inspire you to keep pushing. But is it realistic? Yes it can be. It can be all good. I can be easy when in the right frame of mind.  But I wanted to be honest and show that sometimes it can be shitty again. But whats important is to recognise what's going on and WHY.

I have been working too much, taking too much on. Not looking after myself. Not eating well enough.  Not exercising at all. Not making time for things to help me relax. and I feel that's what I need to focus on now. Natural positivity. But again most importantly im not living in the now. Im not enjoying the moment. I am miles ahead of myself freaking myself out with 'what ifs' that haven't even happened yet. Time to slow down. Chill out and BREATHE!!!

No wonder im exhausted with my head spinning over those subjects ALL day and I mean ALL day.  How on earth im not back on the ciggies I will never know but I guess it shows a strength. A strength that I know I have within. And its the strength im holding onto now and I know this, like every other downer, will pass

Live in the now people. Dont dwell on the past or worry about the future. Baby Steps. Day to Day. Breathe. Relax. Be calm. Breathe. Relax. Be calm xxx