Stress Stress Stress

Hello!

This is the longest I have ever went without posting.  There are a few reasons but mostly just life! Life has gotten in the way and there has been a lot of diversions in my way.

This has been 1 tough year!  I like to think that I can be pretty strong but sometimes things can get in top of me, and the last few months have been no exception.

So to sum up the mental side of my life, for those who haven't read my blog before'. I am 32 years old, I have had anxiety since I was 19, which lead to full blown agoraphobia at the age of around 22/23.  After 5 years of doing NOTHING but sitting at home, I fought back. I fell in love, I got engaged, I got pregnant, I got a house and I moved out of the family home.  I learned to drive. I started living again.  I pushed the boundaries. Took on new challenges that I never imagined would ever be possible! I kicked anxieties ass to be honest. But then life got in the way.

My relationship turned sour in the most horrendous way.  Cheating, mental and verbal abuse. Then physical abuse. The police were involved, Court dates, yadda yadda yadda. But I stayed strong and I kept fighting the anxiety. I took him back. Yeh I know I am an idiot but we all do crazy things when in love.  And I tried to make it work, keep the family together. But as I knew it would the cheating and the unhappiness happened all over again, just as I knew it would.

So.... that brings us to this year.  We started the year together, Nathans dad and I.  Why did he cheat?  Well because of my agoraphobia.  He wants to live a life full of travel and excitement and he wants to share those experiences with a partner.  And so although I knew he went about it in the wrong way (over and over and over again) I also felt like I couldn't really blame him.  Maybe that's wrong but its how I felt. We didn't do anything together.  He wasn't a very hands on father and worked away A LOT. So I was left raising Nathan alone.  I found it really difficult focusing on tackling my anxiety when I had other responsibilities to deal with.

Being a Mum

Breakfast, Bath, Get dressed, Go to the shops, Lunch Time, Nap time, Play time, Dinner, Pajamas on, Bed.

So when and where do I fit in getting out there and pushing?? When  do I fight back?

Do I take my son out in the car and see how far I can go?  I suppose that's possible but I never really felt it was fair on him.  Especially if I did panic. A 2 year old ain't gonna help me out is he?

And so every day blurred into the next.  Days turned into weeks and weeks to months.  My partner would arrive home after working away and I would just enjoy seeing him.  I was happy to make a meal and just be a family at home.  Cuddle up and share our sons experiences.

'Look how much he has grown and hes learned so many new words this week. Watch this new thing he can do' 

I was proud. He was only ever home for a couple of days at a time. And so we never really made plans.  Big mistake I guess, looking back.  But my limitations had crept back up on me and I wasn't comfortable doing much.

Within my little bubble I could function fine.  Going small walks and drives.  Taking Nathan to the park. Visiting friends and family.  But there isn't much in my little town.  Certainly no nice restaurants or recreational facilities. To do those things we would need to travel further. And since I wasn't getting a chance to practise that stuff, well I couldn't suddenly just do it because my partner wanted me to.  As much as I might have liked to.

I did explain that we needed to start small.  That when he was home he should come with Nathan and I to the park.  We should try swimming in the new pool.  Small family things.  Get me used to being with him again as I was always doing things alone. Just Nathan and I.

We went to the park once.  Just once.

He continued to work and work and when he was home he would explain he had a night out with the boys planned, which I was always ok with. He deserves it, he works hard!

He wasn't on nights out with the boys.  He was out with other women.  Nights out, champagne, hotel stays.  Some will say it was wrong.  Some will say he needed it.  Its irrelevant now.

Round about April I realised the extent of what had been doing on and so I asked him to leave.  I packed up all his stuff and closed the door.  Time to start again.

I felt pride that I had stood up for myself. Cause I knew that what he did was wrong.  I was keeping house and raising Nathan, doing a good job of both.  Ok I have anxiety issues but here is no need for that kind of betrayal.  And so for the first few months I was strong, probably because I was angry.

But time passes and emotions change.  I went through anger, then I went numb, kind of blocked it out.  We kept in touch now and then by phone but there was no real contact. He had moved with his work and was now a plane trip away.  Probably the best for us, but not really the best for being a dad.

We went through 7 weeks with no visits. Nathan got the odd phone call or facetime but that was it.  Then 3 weeks ago he said he was coming up and wanted to see his son. 

I have explained on here before that I have been struggling with separation anxiety when it comes to Nathan. I don't mind him being away from me, but due to my own issues with distance, I don't like when I know hes far away.  Ive always said I would let my agoraphobia affect him as little as possible. So ive had to suck it up and let it go.  When he goes out for the day with his grandparents, sometimes im fine. Sometimes I struggle.  I can never really predict how i'm going to react. But I am used to them taking him out, I am not used to his dad taking him out.  So... I can get really nervous.  Call it irrational but its all anxiety pretty irrational?

So he came up for his first visit and it was pretty horrendous.  Throughout all the years we were together I kind of shut down my emotions as I just couldn't handle anymore pain. Im generally pretty numb now and don't really express emotions at all. I never cry. never.  But when he came back into our home I felt it. My anxiety and pain all came to the surface and it was scary! I cried, I felt sick, I panicked. God I must have been attractive!! But I also felt like it was a release I had been needing for a long long time.  Why did I feel those things?  Well I realised that there was no hatred there anymore.  Yes I will never forgive or forget what he has done, but mostly I was just heartbroken that our family was in tatters.  And that my son will now be raised without a full time dad.  That he will never remember us being a couple.  I was also very aware that my back up was gone.  My support.  Someone to take a little bit of the parental pressure off whenever he was home from work.  This was it now. I was on my own.

My devastation changed nothing.  In those moments I would have taken him back.  As crazy as I know that is, I'm just telling the truth. I would have had him back in a heartbeat.  But he didn't want it.  Said he couldn't go back to that life.  And so he was gone.

What now?  Back to the grind.  Full time mum head back on.  Emotions reeled back in, huge wall built around myself I got on with things.  Mum duties commenced and I was OK.  I decided that I have had enough of anxiety, of limitations.  I am tired of looking at facebook and feeling envy towards the people checking in at the airport, or posting pictures of family days out at the beach.  Do they know how truly lucky they are?

So I called my doctor and told them I needed some help.  I told them its high time my meds are changed because mines just do not work.  Ive been on them for over ten years so I must be immune by now! Ive been talking about changing for a long time but avoided it like everything else.  I also explained that I am exhausted ALL. THE. TIME.  So we arranged for some blood tests to be done.  Something else I had been meaning to get round to.  Apparently they are giving me a really good check up and are testing for all sorts, anaemia, thyroid problems etc. All tests done, the results are due any day.

So while all this is going on something even more important happened when I was called into the nursery.  The teachers wanted to have a word with me about Nathan.  OK so at this point Nathan was 2 and a half years old, but they had noticed a few things that concerned them.  Nathans speech was quite immature, but I just assumed this was a 'boy thing'.  My nephews were quite slow with their talking and so it never overly worried me.  His speech and a few other behaviours were discussed, very minor things, but they asked if I would mind if the education psychologist could observe him (along with a few of the other children)  Obviously I agreed and so I was called back in a few weeks later for the results.  Basically I have a very happy very clever little boy, but he is showing some signs of autism.

At 2 and a half they don't want to label him as it is too early to tell.  But he has been referred to speech and language therapy and we are taking it from there.  The psychologist did say things like 'will struggle at school' which did come as a surprise to me as I do agree that hes very clever, but only time will tell. However, this is the start of a long process of meetings and obviously a worrying time too.  So the stress levels are being thoroughly tested.

3 weeks back at work and Nathans dad announces hes coming back for a visit. This time he doesn't want to see me, he wants to take Nathan away on his own.  We have had a total communication breakdown now and all we do is fight. Via phone, via email, via text.  And so I thought I would do the sensible thing and contact a lawyer.  I thought it would be best to have a 3rd party make the necessary arrangements as we just cannot talk to one another anymore. He did not like this at all.  I would have thought it would suit him better, as it protects him too, but he wasn't happy.  After a lot more texts back and forth he finally agreed he would contact his lawyer. BUT since he doesn't have time to do it on this visit he wants Nathan before the agreement is made.  Tomorrow.

So the arrangement is that Nathans granddad will pick him up and take him to his dad. And I feel ill. I know this has to be done. Would I be feeling ok about this if I didn't have the anxiety issues?  I don't want it but im decent enough to know that what hes done to me shouldn't affect his relationship with his son. And Nathan will be happy to see his dad.

And so the saga continues................................

What never fails to amaze me is the physical symptoms extreme stress can cause. In the worst moments I have literally felt like my brain has expanded and my head is swimming.  The saying 'cant think straight' is an understatement.  I've had palpitations, sweats, panic, breathlessness, dizzy spells, pins and needles in my hands, and really crappy thoughts.  Someone described this as 'stinking thinking' which I thought was quite good. Dealing with the mental and physical symptoms of stress is scary! But in a way its been a good challenge for me as I have faced it, accepted it and found out the best ways to keep myself comfortable.  Sometimes I have felt like something is ready to give.  Surely I cannot handle another blow, ill lose it! But I surprise myself that eventually I pull myself together and it passes.  I am staying positive and telling myself that ive had a bit of a tough time but I am still strong and still focused on a good life for myself and Nathan. And now I am completely single and the unhealthy relationship is over, surely things can only get better?

24 hours in my head

Hello!!!!

Cant quite believe my last post was in January. I knew it had been a while but JEEZ! Many apologies im sure you have all been on the edge of your seats to hear about the latest goings on in my life (yes im being sarcastic) So firstly a quick update.  I am still working and I am still a non smoker. YEY! High 5s all round.

The website has completely changed and grew quite a lot since I last wrote.  I am now working from www.cherishedgifts.co.uk.

That's the basics. What else can I report.

I missed my best friends wedding. Couldn't make the journey and was totally gutted, but I put the memory into a little box in my brain never to be revisited (until blogging). Why dwell on it and upset myself? I didn't make it, I cant change it I can only look forward.

Winter here has lasted forever.  Today has been our first day of sun and its really had an effect.  I have been feeling very 'flat'.  Usually by this time of year we have had a few weeks of sunshine.  Im rocking a nice little tan and all the lovely vitamins from the sun have perked me up and im quite a happy soul.  The grey gloom has pulled me down a bit, and the demand of the website has caused a few issues. 

I have customers who are relying on me. That's pressure.  I have deliveries that need to be made on time.  That's pressure.  If I was to describe the ins and outs I would bore you but lets just say a lot of time and energy needs to go into the business and it all equals pressure and stress which for someone with anxiety, isn't necessarily a good thing.

On the outside im sure I look like im in control. Im doing well. Nathan is doing great, such a happy boy as always.  Inside my head is spinning.  Join me for 24 hours in my head. ...

Uch its 6 am
What will we do today
I cant travel many places with Nathan. That's not fair on him
Am I a crap mum
Better give him breakfast.
Poor Nathan deserves better than this
Its raining where can we go
We cant stay in all day its not fair on Nathan and I need out
Everyones at work, no one to visit. Cant go anywhere decent on my own with him... too nervous
We will go a walk.
Post mans been. Deliveries. Lets sort these orders.
whos is this, where does this go, need to get these sorted
'be there in a minute Nathan mummies busy'
This isn't fair on him either.
Parcels ready.
Tidy the house, bath time. look out clothes.
Poor Nathan sitting watching tv alone... bored im sure. Bad mum
OK we will go to the post office and the shop. At least we are getting out
Jobs done... now what.
Weve been out for half an hour, that's not enough.
Where to go? We will go a walk.
Ive walked where I can comfortably walk to. Poor Nathan this isn't enough.
Hes pulling to go further but mummys pulling him back in another direction with some excuse.
(passing my relfection in a mirror) god I look tired
I am tired
Im exhausted.
I need to eat better
I eat a lot of junk!
I am getting no goodness from my food
I should really look into getting some vitamins.
I wonder if im ill
Im always tired. Wonder if theres something more to it?
IM awfully thin looking. Not good
And when will I get to a dentist. My teeth are a mess
But im too scared. I don't like that numbness and the fact I cant control it
Lunch time. What to make
Soup again Nathan. Boring. Easy. Crap Mum
What now?
Draw, play? Pass time
Dinner. Mediocre. As long as you eat im happy, but wheres the goodness in that meal. bad mum
Bed time. Story time. Love love love you baby.
Guilt
He deserves more
He will get more
Ill do better
when im stronger
He has love and a happy home. That's what matters
He is clever and happy. That's what matters
I will make sure he grows up full of dreams and ambition
He wont end up like me
am I making him like me?
Work on the website
Work
work
work
stress
anxiety
work
lights out. am I ok
im anxious and that had all gone
Am I depressed? ive never been depressed. I don't want to be depressed.
maybe my meds aren't working anymore
do I need to try new ones
I don't want to try new ones
sleep
wake up
what will we do today?
Thank god he has nursery so hes being entertained and not stuck with me

And congratulations you have just spent 24 hours in my head.  Not good at the moment. But I know why. And I know how to fix it.

I would come on here and tell you all the good things that have been going on. Inspire you to keep pushing. But is it realistic? Yes it can be. It can be all good. I can be easy when in the right frame of mind.  But I wanted to be honest and show that sometimes it can be shitty again. But whats important is to recognise what's going on and WHY.

I have been working too much, taking too much on. Not looking after myself. Not eating well enough.  Not exercising at all. Not making time for things to help me relax. and I feel that's what I need to focus on now. Natural positivity. But again most importantly im not living in the now. Im not enjoying the moment. I am miles ahead of myself freaking myself out with 'what ifs' that haven't even happened yet. Time to slow down. Chill out and BREATHE!!!

No wonder im exhausted with my head spinning over those subjects ALL day and I mean ALL day.  How on earth im not back on the ciggies I will never know but I guess it shows a strength. A strength that I know I have within. And its the strength im holding onto now and I know this, like every other downer, will pass

Live in the now people. Dont dwell on the past or worry about the future. Baby Steps. Day to Day. Breathe. Relax. Be calm. Breathe. Relax. Be calm xxx

Christmas, New Year & New Beginnings

Hello lovely blogland peeps  Let me first say Merry Christmas, Happy New year, Happy Thanksgiving and happy birthday.... if i have missed any other greetings then i apologise profuseley!!! It has been a crazy month and i just have not had the time OR the energy to update my blog so here i am with an overdue update.

So i ended my last post talking about a psychic, a new man and a job.  And since i should keep things in date order to make it simple i will start with the job.

As the winter months approached I found myself and Nathan spending less time outdoors and becoming less active.  As always this was beginning to affect my mood and it was a major case of groundhog day for me.  Every day felt like an exact replica of the one before, and the one before that.  I was getting fed up, anxious and irritable.  What to do?

On facebook one night i noticed a women i know who has a hair salon discussing looking for a new receptionist.  I know the salon was well within my comfort zone, and i already knew the girls who worked there.  Not very well, they have no idea about my agoraphobia, but enough that i wouldnt feel totally out of my depth at my first job in 10 years!! And so i sent the woman i private message and put myself forward.  It was a Thursday night and within about 10 minutes i was told i could start on the Saturday morning.

I was totally delighted.  I knew the work would never be a huge challange but that wasnt what it was about for me.  it was about getting back out there, meeting new people and gaining some confidence!Plus after so many years unempolyed it would be the much needed start to a new CV.

Of course i was worried that i wouldnt be able to do it.  Being tied to appointment times can make me nervous enough so the thought that i would be expected in the salon at a specific time seemed daunting but the fact that i would be expected to stay there for 8 hours and not run home made me really unsure.  But i wanted to do it, i felt i NEEDED it and so i started that Saturday morning and i havent looked back.

It was originally only supposed to be a Saturday i was working, which suited me fine.  It would be breaking me in gently.  But with December being their businest month, i soon found myself working everyday from 9 - 6.  It was tiring and really hard to juggle work and Nathan, but i enjoyed it.  Ive never once felt anxious in the shop.  I feel like my old self before all the anxiety crap started.  I chat away to customers and i have surprised myself with how out going i must seem (if only they knew eh).  No one there knows about my past struggles or my 'agoraphobia' and i dont see why they need to.  It doesnt affect me at all in there and so im just one of the girls.  The christmas 'work night out' could have awkward as it was miles away and i couldnt possible attend, but i couldnt get a baby sitter anyway so i didnt really have to explain that one.

Joining the salon has made it possible for me to meet other girls to socialise with, which was another reason i was keen on the position.  There are about 7 regular staff members and its been great being girly again and catching up on the latest gossip.  One Sunday night we all decided to head to the pub for some karaoke.  After a few dodgy numbers from myself i spotted a guy i knew across the bar.  This guy had always caught my eye, and for some reason i had always imagined he would be ideal for me.

He came over to join me and we got chatting, for some reason a voice in my head was niggling that i should ask for his number.  I felt that if i didnt just take the oppurtinity to do it, id regret it.  So i came out with it (how very brazen!!) and he looked delighted.  So obviously this was the man i had mentioned in my last post.  I could go into detail here but to be honest its pretty pointless.  he was lovely, and everything i thought he would be.  An absolute gentleman, polar opposite of what i was used to.  Wine, Flowers, chocolates, compliment after compliment.  He was everything i have always wanted in a guy and i couldnt believe i had found it. He accepted me 100% as i am, or at least he said he did, but in the end i just didnt want it.  Ive gotten quite used to being on my own with Nathan and im enjoying it.  For far too long i was living my life, firstly for Nathan, and second for my ex.  And its been nice to just have some 'me' time again.  So im keeping it that way for a while or at least till i meet someone who really sweeps me off my feet and so far thats just not happened.

So December was proving to be a really tough month with work, and Nathan and christmas approaching.  I was sensing Nathan was changing towards me but i knew it was just because i was suddenly away all the time.  he didnt understand what was going on and he was becoming quite clingy and very moody! So it was either my absence or the start of the terrible twos uh oh.  Guilt crept in as it always does, that not only was he not getting enough stimulation everyday, but now he wasnt getting to see me enough and it was at this point that my friend made a lovely suggestion.

She reminded me of a nursery right next to my work where Nathan would be able to join when he turned 2.  yeh it would be private and i would have to pay for it, but the fees werent too ridiculous and it was absolutely worth it to get Nathan socialising with other children and of course to get his education started.  I went for a meeting hoping we would be put on a waiting list and would hear back asap but even better i was told he could start the following week.  Nathan now attends nursery every Monday and Wednesday afternoon and he absolutely loves it.  He is mixing with his own little friends, getting involved in all sorts of activities like arts & crafts etc and it came at the perfect time for christmas.  he had his christmas party and he got to meet Santa and his reindeer.  I have loved seeing his confidence grow, never a shy boy, but im proud as punch watching him interact with his class mates.  The moods swings havent been so bad and he actually claps his hands when he seens us approach the nursery building so im pretty confident i made the right decision with this one.

The psychic, again ill keep this brief.  I have seen psychics before and have always seen it as a bit of fun, not something to take too seriously, but its been a long time since i had a reading and i fancied getting another one done.  It was also an excuse to have all the girls round to mine for drinks and food and just have a laugh.  So i booked a guy who came recommended and we all got together to hear our predicitons.

As with most of my readings theres a lot wrong, and also a lot right.  He began with 'well Lynn i see your a bit of a party animal', clearly he could not be more wrong.  I was getting ready to be thoroughly disappointed but he soon went into discussing my last relationship and the fact i went through a difficult time.  He knew all about court and went on to describe what had happened to me and the mental, physical abuse that occured.  Then there was a slight contradiction where he said 'the relationship is rekindling and in January the same thing will happen again (i.e i will be physically hit), but then said in April i will be buzzing because i will have stuck to my guns and won the battle with my ex.  I wont have taken him back and i will be a much stronger person because of it.  The January part really scared me and for a few days i was understanably nervous but im over it now.  I know it wont happen because im not daft enough to put myself in a position where it COULD happen.  Watch this space.

So Christmas was very welcome as it meant that the madness of work was over.  Finally i was off and had absolutely nothing to do for a few days.  Bliss!!  Also throughout december the jewellery business really took off so juggling all these things together was an absolute nightmare so when christmas arrived i was more than ready to put my feet up and eat myself into oblivian!  I enjoyed a nice meal with my mum and then went home with Nathan to play with all the goodies Santa had generously left that morning.  As New Year approached i decided i wanted to go out.  Having spent many many new Years at home, anxious, panicking, i felt i wanted to make the most of getting out and enjoying myself.  I managed to get tickets for a pub near by and expected to meet lots of girls i knew once i was there.  The place was jumping but i didnt know as many people as i thought.  However, i was glad i went and brought in 2013 with a smile, a drink and some bagpipes.  Scottish style!!

So did you guys make any New Year resolutions??  Ive never bothered before but this year i made the half hearted decision that i would finally quit cigarettes.  Ive been a smoker for 15 years now and i LOVE my ciggys.  My whole day was based around 'fag breaks', quite sad really.  But i used to really look forward to when Nathan went to bed and i would get my feet up and happily puff away till my heart was content.  For years though it has been taking its toll, and more recently i was getting worried about my breathing.  I couldnt walk far at all without being breathless, way more breathless than a girl of my age should be!  I would wake up maybe 2 or 3 times a night purely to smoke infact i could list many many bad points to my habit but why go on.  At the end of the day we all know that smoking is bad for us and we should stop!  So the 1st of January came and with a packet of fags in my pocket i decided i would just carry on.  I LOVED smoking.  I really didnt want to stop, and so i felt that while i loved it so strongly, there was no point in trying to quit because i would just fail at the first hurdle.

I dont really know what happened.  Maybe it was the state of my breathing and the fact i had to pysically stop walking to fill my lungs but on the 2nd of January i smoked my last cigarette.  I kept my packet and told myself that if i really wanted one, id have one, but to just give it a go.  Really see how long you can go without one.  That first day was hard, cigarettes and smoke and nicotine was all i thought about.  Day 2 was the same.  But my stubborn streak took over and i knew then and there that i would never be a smoker again.  if i had already made it 48 hours without a cigarette then surely i had made it through the most difficult part.  Surely thats when my cravings would be the strongest? I did have a little help though, i had heard about the electronic cigarettes and how they can help you to quit, so when i was REALLY desperate for a smoke on day 2, i went and bought one and it totally worked!  As i sucked on that thing with all my might i felt myself relax and the craving subside.  I used it again when i was having a tough time but as the days passed i started to use it less and less.  That was a week ago.  I am now a non smoker.  I am SO proud of myself. I have to say for me it has been easy.  Much easier than i ever imagined it would be.  Which is what put me off trying to stop in the first place.  Yes there were tough times, but they are totally managable with distraction and will power.  To be sitting here now, not stinking of smoke, with ashtray breath, smelly clothes and genuinley not wanting a cigarette, its been more than worth it.  Im finding it much easier to breathe already.  Im noticing changes when im out walking.  I look healthier!  Im no longer an attractive shade of grey when i get up in the morning, and i just know im going to notice more and more benefits.  Its only been a week so i dont want to get to ahead of myself but i know myself, and i know i have cracked it.  I have no desire to smoke again but am loving the fact that every day my body gets a little cleaner.  Nathan will never look at his mum with a cigarette hanging out her mouth or have her smokey breath all over him.  Why would i want to change that?

It surprised me how strong i was, how stubborn.  It has reminded me what is possible when we REALLY put our minds to something.  A few months ago i wrote a post describing the feeling of dread as the winter months approached.  I was anxious about the weather, but seasonal depression.  I was forward thinking and expecting a really dull and gloomy time but here we are in January, the worst of our winter passing, and i feel great.  I have been active and sociable, resposible, happy, confident.  I feel this post was over due as i like you guys to know whats been happening but i also feel it really isnt anxiety or agoraphobia based, which is what you come here to read is it not?  I hope that you have stepped into 2013 with confidence in mind.  I am looking forward to the summer which i LOVE and im looking forward to new challenges.  Hopefully we can share them together x

Separation Anxiety, Cherish, Reiki, Halloween & Christening PHEW

Lots to tell.  LOTS to tell....Where to begin.

OK separation anxiety.  Ive always had a few issues with this.  Firstly, i was very attached to my mum for many years and didn't want her leaving me for any length of time.  But i FORCED myself to work through that with an hour here and there.  Determined not to rely on other people to keep me calm and also because i didn't want to be a huge burden on her.  Then she went to America for a 5 week holiday and I was absolutely fine.  So i cracked it.  Since then I have obviously left the family home and although i wouldn't like her travelling to the other side of the world, the anxiety has gone.

And now theres Nathan.  When I know he is going out for the day with someone, I look forward to the break, but i also feel a sense of dread, because i KNOW that when he leaves I'm going to feel uncomfortable.  As usual it is a control thing.  If he goes out and i panic and want him home, how quickly can the person he is with return him? What if that person doesn't have a car but is having to take a bus or 2?  That will take ages and by then ill be ready for the nut house. Even worse is when he goes out with his gran who has no phone.  So not only can i not get him back, but i have absolutely no idea where he is. 

The rational side of my head tells me to chill out.  Nathan needs his days out, i need the break.  Most times when he leaves I'm a little uptight, but it soon passes and i actually start to relax and enjoy my time off. For a while I actually looked forward to his days out, knowing he was being entertained and i could do... well nothing! Ah bliss.

But as the winter crept in, and my mood darkened along with the early nights, that familiar anxiety crept back. 

A few months ago my mum decided she would take Nathan out for the day and as soon as she mentioned it, i was uneasy.  I told myself i would not give into this.  Is not fair on Nathan and i NEEDED some 'me' time.  So the morning of the 'day out' arrived and i got up bright and early and got everything organised.  Breakfast, check.  Bath, check, Bag prepared, check. Nathan looking handsome. check check check.  Mum arrived and took Nathan away and i immediately felt the anxiety grow.  'Ok Lynn, chill out! This is going to pass, Nathan will have a great day and you will enjoy yours too'.  Rapid heart beat, urgent need for the bathroom (you know what I'm talking about), sitting in the cool bathroom the anxiety wasn't subsiding like it usually would.  'Ok Lynn stay strong, this will pass'.  Rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, turning stomach, dizziness.  'Can i cope with this for another 5 hours'?  No.... NO NO NO NO

The anxiety turned to full blown panic and i gave in.  No way could i ride that roller coaster for another 5 hours.  usually i look for distraction and so i thought of people i might be able to visit, or who could come to me and keep me sane, but on this particular day i knew no body was available.  And so i done the one thing i promised myself i would never do.  I called my mum,

'Have you got on the bus yet'?  As soon as she said No i was throwing on any clothes i could find and i was out the door and in the car shaking like a mad woman.  Within minutes i had reached the bus stop and highly ashamed I got Nathan into the car in front of a crowd of people, no doubt wondering what was going on.  My mum was understanding but her friend looked less than impressed.  I could tell she thought i was being completely selfish, but at that point i couldn't care less.  I just wanted Nathan with me and the panic to stop.  And it did.

Back home i got back into a state of calm and tried to provide Nathan with a fun filled entertaining day.  He was none the wiser to what had actually gone on but inside i was wracked with guilt.  I still don't think i would have coped that day had i let him go.  it would have been very unpleasant, but i only caused myself major anxiety in the future.

I had never given in like that before and now i wondered how i was going to manage the next time someone wanted a day out with Nathan.  For Nathan and for myself, we need those days apart.  There was no way i could just bring and end to them.  That's so unfair on him.  but as people started to mention taking him a trip here or there i was pretty terrified.  I didn't want him to go, but i knew avoiding it was going to cause bigger problems.

It became such an issue that i decided to contact my coach Rashelle, who Ive mentioned before.  Luckily she had a free space available and decided to try some reiki on me.  Rashelle visited my house and we discussed the situation.  After a lengthy chat we got down to work.  With any therapy Ive always been asked to give my anxiety a number from 1-10, before and after the treatment. And yes, after the reiki my anxiety had significantly dropped.  I felt totally relaxed, calm and enjoyed it thoroughly.  However, pretty much as soon as Rashelle left, i knew i still didn't feel good about it.

So Nathans gran, without the mobile phone, decided she wanted to take him for a day out.  She would be over on the Tuesday morning and they would be gone all day.  Time for a pep talk!

'Ok Lynn, you are going to face up to this and you are NOT going to avoid it.  Avoidance is THE worse way to handle this!  You will let it all go ahead and you will be fine.  Should you panic, then too bad!! Go into your bedroom and roll around the bed, climb the walls or howl at the moon i don't care, your doing it'!!

Full of determination, i got up on the Tuesday morning and very quickly changed my mind.  Nah i wasn't really liking the idea of what was to come.  I needed a plan.  I needed a way to get out of this happening.  And so i decided that when Anne arrived Id be very apologetic and explain that my dad has Nathans pram in his car and unfortunately had decided to go out somewhere without letting me know.  Oh dear id be so so very sorry.  id offer tea and cake and id suggest she spend some time with Nathan locally.  That would work!



Anne arrived and i explained our predicament.  I was so sorry, but since it was a horrible rainy day, and since Nathan would refuse to walk everywhere for 4-5 hours, it would be crazy to take him out.  'Not a problem Lynn, not ideal but I'm sure we will manage'.  Uh oh, i didn't see this coming!  Since Anne had travelled a reasonable distance and my excuse hadn't worked, i felt i couldn't argue.  So i was going to have to power through.  When i asked where they were going she simply replied, 'ah not sure'.  OK so shes got no mobile phone, she doesn't know where shes going.  She will take at least 2 buses to wherever she decides to go, but in that whole time i will have NO way of contacting her. 

Anne and Nathan left hand in hand and although i was happy for him i was terrified for me.  There was nothing else for it but full on distraction.  In the following 5 hours i was like a fiend.  I cleaned my house, and i mean CLEANED.  Every nook and cranny got scrubbed and bleached.  Still with too much time to spare i painted.  I painted FOUR rooms!! Still  i had time to spare so i cleaned cupboards, threw out rubbish, put things up the loft.  I hung shelves!! and when i still had an hour left i got in my car and paid my cousin a visit. When i look back i can laugh.  I was absolutely exhausted by the time Nathan came home and definitely didn't have a day off.  But it was a productive day, i didn't panic, and i felt i had fought a few demons.  Since then hes been on a few more days out and i haven't felt half as bad as i did on the day i panicked.

Why was that day so different to the others?  I'm again wondering if hormones can play a part in feeling higher anxiety levels.

Neve is still a regular visitor and i was delighted that she was able to join us for Halloween.  Theres nothing huge to report about this but thought i would include some of the photos we took.  Nathan was a werewolf, and really didn't like his costume as you can see.  Neve was a witch and i was some kind of scary doll puppet thing?? We had a great time ducking for apples and carving pumpkins before i took the kids trick or treating.  Neves bag was over flowing when i dropped her home and she said it was the best night of her life.  I was absolutely delighted.








Then it was Nathans Christening.

The day itself went really well.  The service was lovely. Nathan was well behaved and everyone enjoyed themselves.  I was a little nervous when i seen how many people had packed out the church.  there were 4 kids all being christened (or baptised) that day and so i soon realised id have to get up on stage in front of all these people, in this massive church, well away from any escape route.  So most of the service i just sat there willing it to hurry up.  My legs were quite shakey and i wasnt sure if they would carry me up to the alter (especially in my massive heels).  Before i knew it, it was time to face the music and thankfully i was ok.  Nathan was a huge distraction as he was full of beans and running around crazy.  I played chase and done my best to keep him calm untill it was his turn to be baptised.  He was the ONLY child who wouldnt be held by the minister but insisted on staying with me.  This was fine as the extra weight kept me firmly rooted to the ground.  It was always meant to be a small affair and so instead of a big party Afterwards everyone just headed back to my house.  I was stressed at this point.  People were hungry and looking to be fed and watered and so i was busy running around, literally with a note pad, playing waitress.

Everyday without fail, i take my medication at 1.30.  Always have!  yeh i know i am probably being over cautious but its just the way I am.  My phone has an alarm to remind me of the time so i will never possibly forget.  So, I'm running around like crazy making food when i realised it was time to take my tablet.  Got the packet of pills out, noticed there was only one pill in the packet, took it, and got on with my cooking.  My alarm went a few minutes later 'ok i can put that off since i have taken my tablet'.  Everyone fed, lots of happy customers, i mean family. 'Thanks for coming and goodbye'

Phew, feet up and relax.  Clearing away the mess i noticed the packet of pills winking at me on the table,  And yes, there was ONE tablet still in it.  OK, i either miscounted the first time OR i haven't taken it at all. 

Now usually that thought would send me into total panic.  Having never missed one id be worried about what to expect.  The rational Lynn would say 'nothing is going to happen.  You've missed one pill! No big drama here.  You've been on them for that long that you'll still have plenty in your system.  You'd need to miss them for days before you'd feel a thing'.  The worrier in me was a bit more concerned with what to do now.  My medication specifically says on the leaflet that should you miss one, then just leave it.  Don't take anything and just continue at the correct time on the day you  remember.  So i was surprisingly very calm and very rational.  I decided i would just carry on with my day and id take them at 1.30 on the Monday. 

About an hour later i felt really weird.  Dizzy.  Disconnected,  Anxious.  Well that's all i needed to feel to be honest.  It was all i needed to send my brain into overdrive!  And so i panicked. and i panicked. and i panicked.  For the first time in about 4 years i needed to call my mum for help.  I needed her to come and get Nathan while i got myself back into a state of calm.  Luckily although the panic was awful, i was completely handling it.  I knew it was rising and falling.  I knew i was going to be OK, and i just had to ride it out.  Now i know people might say it was all in my head, or that i brought it on myself with over thinking, but i stick to the fact that i DID NOT FEEL RIGHT.  Even the anxiety was different.  very bizarre.  I ended up calling an emergency number for advice.  Eventually i got to speak to a doctor who told me that missing one pill couldn't have caused those symptoms.  He told me i could take a tablet now, or even just half a one, then take my normal dose tomorrow.  I took a half straight away, and whether it was psychological or not, it worked.  I felt myself relax and the rest of the night was normal.  BUT the reason i mention it is the following day i began my period and I'm definitely noticing my anxiety changing at this time of the month.  I always have done, but its MORE noticeable than ever.  I'm keeping a close eye on it now anyway and if it happens again then ill definitely be mentioning it to my doctor.... i still don't know if i missed a tablet or not lol .

The jewellery business if going quite well.  Word is spreading and Ive had enough sales to keep me going and keep me pursuing it.  Especially with Christmas coming i could use the extra pocket money.  Id be grateful to anyone who could 'like' us on facebook or just spread the word.  It was very difficult at first to find a balance between seeing to Nathan and starting the business online but now that Cherish is up and running its not been so hard.

Sometimes i write a blog and get a sense of achievement, that Ive written a good piece... well I'm not getting that tonight.  It seems a bit messy and rushed, but i was aware of the weeks and weeks since my last post so i really just wanted to get something published asap.  I have been super busy with the things Ive mentioned, plus weve both had flu and a horrible winter vomitting bug and now of course the lead up to Nathans birthday and Christmas, but its slowly coming together.  I hope you guys are all good and well.  I will try and not leave such a long gap between posts next time and ill be back before Christmas to tell you about a job, a psychic and a new man! Byeee x

Shameless Advertising

Hi guys i wonder if you can help.  Im trying to start a little project.  Maybe even a business although its very fresh so not sure how it will go.

If you have facebook could you please like or share this page?

It would be a great help thank you muchly :)

 

http://www.facebook.com/messages/633203086#!/pages/Cherish-Jewellery/236961666430196

Letter To Myself

(My foot and Nathans foot)

 



 

Welcome back panic attacks.  Oh how i have missed you so... not.

 

Its been years since ive really had one.  Ive had a few anxious days here and there.  And maybe even the start of a panic attack, but ive had enough control to quickly bring it to an end.  And so its always just WONDERFUL when they pop up, you know that way they do, just to remind you that they can.

 

Its only been in the past week.  I could feel the anxiety looming.  Felt that familiar churning in the pit of my stomach.  Had a few unwelcome thoughts.  Not been feeling as comfortable in certain situations. And so when it came to a head, and i had a panic attack... well i panicked.  My mind was in overdrive.  Why is this happening?  What if this is going to be the one i cant control?  Are these back for good?  Am i going to go backwards now?  How can i look after Nathan properly if im dealing with these everyday.  Is this going to rub off on him and one day he will suffer them too?  What if i blackout for the first time ever, when im with Nathan? What if i cant breathe?  I dont have any paper bags and they are meant to help. 

 

Negative thought after negative thought.

 

Picturing the worst outcome in every scenario totally adding fuel to the fire.  All this equals one stressed out anxious me.  And although i have gained some rationality again, and am feeling back to normal, i decided to have a word with myself.


 

 

 

Dear Lynn.... Dear Dear Lynn, 

 

When are you gonna learn?  Jeez woman will you chill out?  How many times have we been here huh?  How many years have you been having these silly little 'turns' and freaking yourself out?  Has experience taught you nothing?  ITS GOING TO PASS.  IT ALWAYS DOES. 

 

Ok, i remember when you just started having the panic attacks, you had them over and over again all day.  But Lynn it was new and scary back then.  You didnt know what was going on.  But now you do!  You know how to deal with it and you deal with it well. 

 

Remember in the past when you panicked, or even felt slightly anxious?  You would hide away in your room.  Not really talking to anyone.  Avoiding everything, avoiding life!  Just trying to keep it together.  But really you were probably just sitting there OVER thinking and making it worse. 

 

How about instead of doing that, you get up off your ass, you take a deep breath, hold your head up high and say 'Im not taking this shit again'.  Because you dont NEED to.  Stop sitting there thinking mental thoughts and freaking yourself out.  Stop analysing every senstion in your body and dramatising it, convincing yourself things are about to get really bad.  Get up, stand tall and tell the panic 'Not today thanks, im actually kind of busy'.

 

Go wash the dishes, stick some good music on and sing at the top of your voice.  Dance, play with Nathan.  I bet, as your doing it, the anxiety will subside and if it doesnt?  Who cares,??  Your getting on with your day and not allowing it to take over.

 

Every Autumn you do this to yourself Lynn.  You dont like the change in season, i know this.  You dont like the dark nights creeping in, the coldness. the bad weather.  Your already imagining a horrible winter arent you?  You cant take Nathan out in that weather so its gonna be tough.  Your gonna be depressed.  Everyday will be like groundhog day.  Youll get lower and more anxious.  And then theres the fog and the snow that you have no control over.  You hate that.  Your car starts acting up and you arent able to get out as much.  You have no control over any of this and so you get anxious.  And as that anxiety creeps in you make it worse.  You allow yourself to feed these thoughts.  Well how about you dont?  How about you stop looking to the future and GUESSING how your gonna be before its even happened?   How about you take it day by day... hour by hour even.  Start living in the NOW.  Not next week or next month.  Who told you that you had psychic abilities... cause you dont!

 

Can i also point out that its that time of the month.  You know the time im talking about.  You know you always feel slightly more on edge at this point.  Your also worrying way too much about money.  Christmas, and court.  Dont you think all of this combined could be the cause?

 

Instead of scaring yourself and falling into this negative process, let me remind you that you do this every year at this time.  Let me tell you that your not entering madness and your not about to revert back to the old Lynn who panicked constantly.  You think this every year.  I get exasperated with you.  Its just the change in season and in a few weeks, even a few days, youll be right as rain.  As a veteran in dealing with this stuff let me also tell you... youve already experienced the worst of it.  Youve never collapsed and blacked out.  Youve never stopped breathing.  Youve never needed to call an abulance or rushed yourself to the hospital.  Youve never lost the use of your legs.  So what makes you think thats gonna happen this time?  Surely that stuff would have happened before when you had no knowledge of panic.  You didnt understand it was only adrenalyn.  You didnt know how to sit down and breath deeply.  You didnt know that distraction helps. But now you DO know all those things.

 

So ok say you have a panic attack, and im not gonna lie, they are pretty horrendous, but say you do.  really whats gonna happen?  Well let me tell you.  Your gonna have a rapid heart beat, your gonna sweat, get wet palms. your going to feel as if your disconnected from reality.  Your probably going to quickly question what to do.  Do you call for help, do you try to get some air.  youll get yourself worked up and make it even worse for a second.  Your mind will be running at 100mph, Your inner voice will scream 'This is horrible.  Oh my god make this stop i hate it!!!' and then what will happen?  Well it will probably stop.  It will slowly get less and less.  You may sit there feeling weak, physically you might be shaking uncontrollably, but your ok.  Your absolutely fine.  And yeh maybe for a couple of minutes after it youll feel it rise again...and then fall.  And rise and fall.  But eventually it wont come back at all.

 

Its not nice and i know that so im not being cruel, im just being realistic.  If you feel it coming on just keep busy.  If you genuinley cant avoid it then heres what to do.  Go get a glass of water, some wet wipes.  Take a seat and face the bastard.  Tell yourself 'Bring it on', 'If your gonna come then just come, cause im ready for you and believe me i can handle you'.  Take nice deep breaths in through your nose.... hold it, then blow slowly out of your mouth.  If you get too hot, fan yourself.  If your sweating too much, give yourself a wipe.  And when it passes, which it will, give yourself a few minutes and then get up and get on with your day.  Youve won.  In the past youd have obssessed about it and wondered how to avoid the next one, dont even waste your time, just get on with things.

 

And while im here can i just discuss Nathan.  You are killing yourself with guilt here.  Stop it.  Everyday you beat yourself up about what hes NOT getting to do everyday.  You think your boring him and hes lacking stimulation because you cant take him many places.  You watch the clock and give yourself such a hard time if it reaches noon and you havent had him outside yet. Jeez Lynn seriously, lighten up!  Instead of looking at what your not doing with him, look at what you ARE doing.  You love that boy and shower him with so much affection.  You play with him, you read to him, you draw, you educate him.  You sing together, dance together.  Go walks, drives, go shopping, go see friends.  Just because hes not surrounded by kids out playing all day doesnt mean he has a bad life.  Hes got a great life! Many other poor kids arent so fortunate.  Do you see how happy he is?  How confident?  Could that maybe, just maybe, be something to do with you and the fact hes in a secure and loving home?  Stop blaming yourself for the days when your too tired to fully give yourself to him.  When you sometimes lose patience and need some 'time out'.  Being a parent is exhausting.  Being a single parent is even harder.  Your boy is doing great, and hes happy.  So relax!!

 

Lastly, and i dont mean to be soppy, but can i just say i love you.  They say 'god loves are trier' and if this is true, he must love you very much.  Because i see that you do try Lynn, and you do well! You constantly worry about what others think, but its not important.  Let me tell you that i like you.  I really do.  I think your a great girl, youve very kind. Very generous and you have a good heart.  Try to remember that now and then.  And if you ever feel a little lost, then just read this letter.  Hopefully it will put you back on the right path but in the mean time Lynn, just chill out.  Breathe and be happy.

 

Lots of Love

 

You

Good Advice from someone whos been there

I received a comment on my last blog, telling me about this guy Gethards post on his 'Tumblr' page.  I enjoyed reading it and thought i would pass it on.  I can completely relate to how Gethard feels towards a complete stranger, and also why his message is to never give up. 

 

Anonymous asks: Gethard I know you’ve talked bout depression and anxiety issues before and if you don’t answer this cause it’s a complete downer i understand but I’m curious if you ever had suicidal thoughts. I admire you and your show and have just been in a really bad place lately. I used to see your show as the last thing I had to look forward to but I haven’t even been back for months and can’t even bring myself out the door to get there without panicking. I’d appreciate any advice really.

I just got this message and am going to answer it. Anonymous, this one is just for you, but since this came into our inbox anonymously I have to post it publicly. My apologies. I feel very unsure of if this is right to post this, but I want to help if I can. Anyone else can feel free to skip reading this one. - Geth