Checking In

This is just a quick note to say my next post is on its way. I was going to write it tonight but i dont have it in me. Im ok, its just been one HELL of a month!!

I thought previous months had been stressful but uh uh... this one wins the prize.

I thought my relationship with Nathans dad had broken down, uh uh its gotten waaaaay worse.

I thought my agoraphobia was only slight.... well you get the picture.

Needless to say a HUGE update is due but the outcome will hopefuly be a happy one. Im seeing the light at the end of a never ending tunnel but, wow its been my hardest journey yet.

In the meantime this song has been helping me through. Again ive related it to agoraphobia in a way but really just everything thats going on in my life right now. The guy sings a lot of lyrics really quickly but hopefully you will get the idea. Click here to watch

New Beginnings

It feels like forever since I last wrote and have lots to tell. I haven't had Internet access for a few weeks and its been driving me crazy.

So more changes. I was talking to my mum one day about my living arrangements and how I love my flat but it is just too small. It only has one bedroom and since Nathans cot is in there, i slept on the couch so I didnt disturb him. It was taking its toll though as I wasnt getting great sleeps and my back was taking a beating. So after discussing it with my mum I went home and had a look online at what properties were on the market.

I noticed an advert for a house but it was showing no pictures. Luckily I recognised the address and knew exactly what house it was. I hoped that maybe since there were no pictures, there would have been little interest and I might just have a chance at getting it. The type of property it is, had there been pictures, would have been gone immediately. And so i rang up on the Tuesday and arranged a viewing on the Wednesday morning. On Wednesday night the property was taken off the market and was mine. Moving date, two weeks time.

Well I was delighted. This house has not one bedroom, not two bedrooms... but three! It would feel like a mansion to me. Not only that but it also has back and front gardens. It solved all my problems. Nathan would finally have his own room where I could actually put his toys. In the flat there was simply no room to have his toys out on show. A garden where on a sunny day he can play or just lie and sleep in his pram. That wasnt possible in the flat. My own bedroom again. No more sleeping on the couch for me. I could go to bed and watch tv or read a book without worrying that I might wake Nathan. It is 2 minutes walk from my mums so instead of loading the car with bags and a car seat when i only want to pop in for a cuppa i can just walk down with the pram. Oh its all so exciting!

Yeh then reality hit. I have taken on a huge property within 24 hours. Have I really thought about this? Can I afford this? I got nervous and tried to just put it to the back of my mind but soon it was the day to sign the lease and collect the keys. What made matters worse was that when i took my dad and other 'workmen' to see the house they were telling me just how much work it needed.

Ok the house was recently refurbished as it had previously been a total disaster. It was now freshly painted with a brand new fitted kitchen and bathroom. Newly laid wooden floors etc. But when you took a walk round you seen just how shoddy the work was. I have no idea who done the work on this house but lets just say, doors hanging upside down and my letter box being on back to front were just the tip of a very wobbly iceberg!! Ah but i had signed for it now. Someone even said to me 'would you like me to talk to my lawyer to see if we can get you out of this contract cause that house is a disaster'. Well if i wasnt anxious before, I was now.

I had to hand in my notice on the flat asap as obviously I couldnt afford to keep 2 houses. And so basically I had 2 weeks to move. Each night, exhausted after a day with Nathan, I would pack a few boxes. I would load them into the car all set for taking the stuff to the new house in the morning. Slowly i moved more and more stuff and my flat was becoming more and more bare. I didnt like this feeling. The flat was absolutely my safe place and I really started to question If i was going to be able to make the move. When i moved out of my mums house last year it had been hard but I was able to calm myself by saying 'Well if its too hard or i dont settle, i will just move back to my mums' (im sure my mum would have had other ideas but it kept me sane). I settled into the flat ok, probably knowing my mums was always an option. But quickly the flat became my home and where i wanted to be. Leaving the flat I would have to hand over the keys So on the day of the move there would be no going back. I couldnt use that as my safety net. I had to make the leap and pray that I would settle into the new place, otherwise who knows what i would do.

So I got the keys and i moved my things bit by bit getting more and more nervous. I then began the mammoth task of cleaning and decorating our new home. Why did I think it would be easy? What made me think it didnt need much done? I was unbelievably stressed. My mum would watch Nathan as much as she could but when she couldnt i would be standing with a paint brush in one hand and rocking Nathans pram with the other. It was exhausting and to be honest I wasnt getting anywhere fast. I try so hard to be independent and do everything for myself, which is no doubt because when i was housebound i relied on other people 100% and i swore i wouldn't go back to that. But after almost having a nervous breakdown one night I asked my family for help. Thankfully my brother was at hand and we wallpapered and painted for days. Now we were getting somewhere. Yes the house was coming on but at the back of my mind it still didnt feel remotely like my home and I couldnt imagine myself living there.

Do you ever get a sense of urgency when your anxious? When you just want to get home and get there fast! Well i would work in the house from 8am but when it came to about 4pm my mind would say 'enough is enough'. I would be filled with the sense of urgency that it was now time to leave and i wanted back to the flat. This worried me. How was I going to feel when i had to move in and i as sitting in the house and the clock hit 4, 5, 6pm and i couldnt be running off to the flat. More nerves.

So i was reaching my limit on how much else i could cope with and then it just got worse. My car tax was due and with no money spare to pay it I had to put my car off the road. But for some deluded and irresponsible reason I decided to drive it one day. Oh it will be ok i told myself, its not far and I have far too much to do!!! What an idiot. Round at the new house on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor, my brother arrived. 'Well what you going to do now' He said. I had no idea what he was talking about but when I looked out the window i seen it. My car was clamped and had a lovely big sticker on the window saying UNTAXED VEHICLE. Oh i was so embarrassed. What would my new neighbours be thinking. At this stage I had no money in the bank due to all the decorating materials I needed to buy but I knew this was going to cost me. Basically to get the clamp removed I had to show them a valid tax disc. If i had the tax disc i could get the clamp removed for £100. If i didnt have a tax disc it was £260! A no brainer really. Time to get a tax disc. In a way I was glad cause it gave me a kick up the bum to get it sorted but it was money i didnt have. I had to tax the car which was £92 and then I had to take the tax disc 20 miles away to prove i had one, and then get the clamp off. The house stuff was on hold. Time to deal with the car. By this stage i was fit to be tied and so i dealt with the tax disc but my poor dad had to take time off work to drive the tax disc to the office as proof. This meant me being back in my flat all anxious, with no car outside. This made me nervous because although i stopped driving it, knowing it was there was always a comfort, now it was gone. It was parked at the new house and if i wanted to drive it, it was impossible. Not good for a control freak like me. I know i know its my own stupid fault.

While this was going on I was suffering with a really sore neck. I assumed it was due to constantly sleeping on the couch but the night i was without the car it came to a head. This wasnt a sore neck or a pulled muscle from humphing boxes, this was something else. I looked in the mirror and i looked like quasimodo. I had developed a lump under my jaw which looked like a tennis ball. I also started to feel like utter crap with a temperature etc. Home alone with Nathan i got a bit worried and had to phone the emergency doctor. Being that it was nighttime there was nothing much they could do but i seen the doctor the first thing in the morning. I had a virus and an infected gland. Great! A course of antibiotics and rest was recommended. I was like a zombie by this point but this was the Wednesday and i was meant to move house on the Thursday!

I decided I would take the Wednesday off. I would take my pills and stay on the couch with a cover. I would sleep and hope that in the morning i was able to face the move. Well i woke up feeling no better but I had no choice. With my car now back and taxed I filled it to the brim. I still didnt want to leave the flat, i actually told myself that if i just left the curtains up it would be ok. If i REALLY panicked in the new place i would go back to the flat that night and sleep on the floor, Nathan would sleep in his pram. Seriously the things we tell ourselves to cope!

My friend took Nathan that morning and i started driving back and forth moving my things. I emptied the flat of everything apart from the big things like the couches and bed which would need to be moved later in a van. I worked like a dog emptying bags and finding a place for everything. That night when the van brought the last of my things the house was complete. Not just livable, but basically finished. And who would believe it but i was fine. I fed and bathed Nathan at his usual time and he was put into his cot and fast asleep at his usual time. Looking back I have no idea how i managed it. I went to my new bedroom and slept like a log but that was probably due to the virus i had and being totally exhausted.

Well that was a week ago. I went back to my flat once to collect any curtains etc that I had left and I havent looked back. I admit i hung onto the keys for 3 days more than I should have but they are gone now too and i cant get back in there. I don't want to go back though. I have my new home and as soon as I had my own things around me i was settled. There are still things that i want to do to the house but there is no rush anymore, i can take my time. Nathan has a bedroom filled with books and toys and bright colours just like he should have. I have attached a picture of him in his new ballpit which he didn't actually like but maybe he will in time ha. There has been a couple of nights where i have been a bit scared. In the flat It had buzzer entry and so you felt quite secure. Here we don't have that and one night i could hear noises downstairs. Well i was frozen stiff with fear but eventually i sucked it up and went on the look out. I have a son to protect now so no time for being a scardy cat. Yeh it was nothing and prob just the noises of the house cooling down, ill just have to get used to it.

Since then Nathan and I have both got the cold and today i was pretty much useless but hopefully its passing and we can finally enjoy our new start here. I will get pics of our little home on as soon as.

Well where to start?

More anxiety I'm afraid. I have had 2 strange episodes where anxiety has hit me in new ways. I thought after 10 years I had experienced every kind of anxiety my body would ever create, but i was given fresh new symptoms.

Sometimes I a wary of what I write on here because i don't want to influence anyone. I know that when i was living a very nervous life i would find myself worrying i had problems other people had. I never did have i learned to get over that but i hope no one over thinks my new issue and creates it in their own lives. Then only reason i share it now is for those who have had it before or are having it already and can possibly relate and realise they are not alone.

Ok the first one was the strangest. It was a Sunday night and I was enjoying a yummy pizza. I was really hungry and really loving every bite when suddenly i felt a bit anxious and had a thought. 'I cant swallow this'. I ignored it and kept on eating but in my head i had a feeling i really couldn't swallow my food. I had a feeling that i might choke. Every bit i tried to swallow would result in my heart pounding rapidly. It was very bizarre but it worried me and so i got a bit flustered. I chewed my food more than ever before to make swallowing even easier. I was chewing so much it was basically mush, but yet i still had problems swallowing. A couple of times the food actually stuck in my throat and i had to cough it back up. It wasn't nice and it really really bothered me. What bothered me most was that in the end, although i was still hungry, i didn't finish my meal.

Now this was a new problem i did not need and did not want. I have enough crap to be dealing with without adding to the list. So i made sure over the next few days that i didn't avoid eating anything. A couple of times i thought about something i might want to eat and then would catch myself saying 'no that will be too hard to swallow'. As soon as i had that thought i would make sure i ate whatever it was and not cop out. I used distraction methods again and when i was eating i would read a magazine or something so i wasn't so fixated on the swallowing. I'm not even sure if this is a good description but that's how it was. Thankfully it hasn't happened again and I'm back to eating and not stressing myself out.

Honestly anxiety is crazy and bloody frustrating. I know this is due to my guilt at the moment. I have spoken in previous posts about Nathan and how I'm so determined i can be a 'normal' mum. Unfortunately even though I'm doing everything with him i am still riddled with guilt and wanting to do so much more. He isn't even caring of course. Hes happy in his wee chair sitting staring at whatever has caught his attention, or babbling or sleeping. He is blissfully unaware. And yet I'm sitting thinking 'we should be swimming, or at a safari park, or a park' I give myself such a hard time...but I'm working on it.

The next anxious episode was in bed one night. Sitting in bed on my laptop i think and i felt extremely dizzy. Even sitting there very still i just felt really out of sorts and unsteady. I NEVER ask anyone for help anymore. I don't know if it is because i want to be completely independent or because i feel that when i ask for help i am actually saying 'ok I'm not coping with this to help me' and if i admit I'm not coping i feel more anxious. Anyway, this time i sent Gerry a text and had to tell him i wasn't feeling well. I just needed to let him know in case i needed him to leave work and come and help me. I felt very sick and when i tried to stand up and walk to the kitchen i felt i literally couldn't walk in a straight line. I had to bend over while i was walking to feel i was keeping balance. I spoke to someone else who has had this and she explained it really well by saying 'its like trying to walk on a boat'. That's exactly what it felt like. It was hard to stay calm because i wasn't quite convinced it was even anxiety related but i got all my essentials round me like wet wipes, glass of water etc. Eventually i lay down and managed to fall asleep.

I should explain, since i haven't really mentioned this, but i am living alone. I am on my own with Nathan. I think most of you thought Gerry and i live together but for whatever reason, that hasn't happened. Although i see him quite a lot he has never actually stayed over night or helped with night feeds and so i know the lack of sleep will be adding to how i am feeling. Thankfully i have got Nathan into a fantastic routine. He goes to bed every night at 6.30/7.00 and happily goes to sleep without any fuss. He generally sleeps right through now till 7 in the morning although he may have a wee cry at some point he is easily settled. But it was not always like that! Yes it has been quite hard but its so rewarding and i feel really proud of myself. I am running the house single handed and it is always immaculate, Nathan is happy and content and I am very independent. I just wish i could relax and appreciate what i have a bit more. Meaning, how well i am coping. I want to be completely self sufficient. For example, last week i wired a plug and felt so happy with myself and tonight i unplumbed my washing machine and put it out to be collected (it broke) and i did that all by myself and that was no easy task. I know my body is going to feel like it was hit with a bus tomorrow cause that machine was damn heavy! I think ill plumb my new one in myself too, ill give anything a go.

Its just tough as it feels theres not enough hours in a day. Between keeping the house. Getting Nathan ready, me ready, shopping, paying bills, going walks, dinners, baths. I'm still not getting my head to focus on pushing my boundaries and it is bugging the hell out of me. I wish i could relax and give myself a bit of slack, But i think i know i am capable of travelling further and doing more outwith the house. And since I'm not doing it, its constantly in my head. And to me the solution to that problem is to just get out there and do it. But when?? Also Ive been sleep training Nathan this last week and I'm pretty exhausted because Ive been sleeping on the couch. Nathan sleeps in a cot in my bed room and he makes so many noises when hes sleeping i would never get a wink. And so Ive been on the couch to try and get a decent rest. I'm sleeping great but my backs taking a beating lol.

I feel i am rabbiting on now but hopefully i have put you in the picture. That is my life as it is at the moment. Busy busy. On top of this Ive been visiting friends as much as its only locally, spending time with my mum, had people over for dinner, and this weekend I'm going to have a party I can safely say i never spend a single day where i am on the couch doing nothing. I think its time to get my relaxation Cd's out at night and just totally chill. One thing i have realised is that i am a fighter and will NEVER lie down to any of this anxiety rubbish (touch wood) so far I'm still giving as good as I get

Toughing it Out

Well last week was hard! Anxiety was very present and you all know how scary it can be when you've been rid of it for a while. I am, without doubt, my own worst enemy! I managed to give myself an emotional beating by thinking about problems over and over and over again.

The weather was typically poor with very dull sky's and rain and then to top that off we had a day of heavy snow.

I was stuck at home although as usual i made myself walk everyday, even just a little. I was fretting that I'm not doing enough outside, Nathans not getting out enough. Is this the agoraphobia coming back (although its never fully been gone). Is this going to get worse? No I wont let that happen i will fight it. But what if its too hard? This went on for a couple of days non stop until i was fit to be tied!

Why do we do this to ourselves. It is so frustrating because I knew the whole time I was just thinking about things too much. Fretting about things that probably wont even happen and making things seem far worse than they need to be. God its so exhausting!

Eventually the anxiety came, thanks to myself. At first i was even more anxious wondering how i would cope with the inevitable panic attack, as i have never had one alone in my new house OR while I'm with Nathan. But soon i talked myself round and decided i would ride it out and that it would actually be a good thing if it happened, as i need to learn to face it again, and tough it out on my own. So i got my panic attack essentials ready. My wet wipes, for the sweats. A magazine for distraction, a glass of water and my ipod for music distraction or some Apps i could play with. Even the app for panic attacks which is a last resort usually. Oh and always in my mind is 'I will video the attack' as this in itself would be a good distraction tactic. Of course when i finally faced it and was prepared, i was no longer in such fear of it and so the panic attack never came. I did have a few mini flutters, but that was all.

I fought back by making sure i was out even more each day, it is clearly not good for me to ever be stuck in the house too long. And i went visiting people to keep myself and Nathan entertained. Also i went a drive and pushed myself a bit further as i know without doubt I'm feeling a bit more on edge because I know i should and could be doing more than I have been. It all helped and the anxiety passed. I was able to kick back at night with the knowledge that I had fought and won, and that i had done enough that day. Enough for who? Well enough for me because it seems i like to give myself a really hard time!

The rest of the week was much more relaxed but i have definitely taken a step back recently. Its such a nightmare but all we can do is preserve isn't it. There have been a few times where i have been walking and thought 'hmm I'm not feeling too good so i will just not bother going to... wherever' but i plod on anyway because i know that's the kind of avoidance behaviour that got me into this mess in the first place. I feel less guilty about Nathan because I have such great family that they are always offering to take him places. He goes out with me everyday and each grandmother once a week so he is doing and seeing everything he should be at his age. I just look forward to doing so much more. I need to get off my own back. Hes only 3 month old for goodness sake. The distance he is travelling shouldn't even be an issue!

On Friday i got a bit of worrying news. If you have been following the blog for a while you will have read me talking about my little nephew Luke. I sing his praises all the time as we are so close and he is more like a brother to me. Luke was born with spina bifida and is wheelchair bound but really he lives such a full and normal life. He is a fantastic little guy and brings happiness to so many peoples lives. However Luke has always has very sensitive hearing and doesn't enjoy things like fireworks or loud noises. Lately the bell ringing in school has been bothering him and so his parents were going to get his hearing checked again. But on Friday it went a little further. When the bell rang he suddenly got himself worked up. He couldn't breathe and it looks like he took a panic attack. Well.... this is one thing we never want to happen to any of our loved ones. Don't get me wrong there have been times i have wanted certain people to experience JUST ONE so they can see how horrific it really is. But not the kids! Poor Luke was screaming in the playground and luckily his grandfather who had just taken him to school was nearby. When he finally got to him Luke was screaming 'Don't leave me'. It took an hour and a half for him to be calmed down. Apparently he has sweat on his top lip and was shaking for a long time afterwards. So to me it definitely sounded like a panic attack.

He was taken to the doctors and the doctor gave some good advice. Well in my opinion it was good advice. His mother was going to keep him off school for the rest of the day but the doc told her to take him straight back. Since it was Friday he may has spent the weekend dreading going back and getting himself into a tizzy. The doctor explained what the breathing problem was, he hyperventilated, and told him the trick of using the paper bag. He also explained that we shouldn't make too big a deal out of this. Act normal. Because really we don't want to scare Luke. He is a sensitive wee soul and actually very easily spooked. Thankfully he went back to school and was totally fine. I called him later and although i didn't want to make too big a deal out of him i tried to explain casually that i have had many attacks myself and that they aren't so bad once you learn to cope with them. I should mention this has happened to Luke once before and so you can see why we are worried this is the beginning of a longer problem. If it was a one off due to the bell we might not be so concerned. Anyway, he wanted to come and stay with me that night. Whether that's because he wanted to talk about dealing with panic or because i am such fabulous company i don't know ha. I asked him to explain how he felt when it happened and told him about the first time i took one and to be honest he looked at me like i had 2 heads so clearly our experiences werent very similar, but id still say it was panic nonetheless. We all know it can come in many forms.

We will all be keeping a close eye on him from now on...but just from the side where he cant see us. Lets hope it doesn't happen again. How heartbreaking to watch these little innocents deal with something so horrible and to feel completely helpless. I think that's what scared me the most was that i couldn't just make this go away for him. Because really the only person who can make panic attacks go away, is the person who is taking them. So fingers crossed for little Luke.

Thanks to Everyone

I wanted to write a quick post thanking everyone for your comments recently.

I started this blog as a way to vent my frustrations. Having kept a diary for years, i knew that getting my thoughts out somehow made me feel a bit better.

For a while I thought about stopping the blog because I wondered if anyone was reading and I felt i was repeating a lot of the same kinds of experiences, i didn't want to bore yous. But then in the past few months the comments have pretty much blew me away. People say that they love the blog, i love to hear this. People say i'm an inspiration, which i cant believe, but which makes me feel fantastic.

Now people are writing to me about how agoraphobia stopped them from having children, but in hearing my experience they aren't so scared and are actually re-evaluating the situation. I am so touched its unreal. I cant believe that i have affected people in this way but if i give even one person a bit of hope then i am delighted.

The best thing I'm hearing now is from Cloudy - OMG I'm pregnant, you helped me get the courage to do this. Now i just have to face it.

Seriously i almost cried when i read that. Massive congratulations. If i can do it anyone can. Yeah its scary when you think of whats ahead but take it day to day. Now that my pregnancy is over i miss it so much! I know not everyone loves being pregnant and at the start i certainly didn't enjoy it. But looking back i loved stroking my bump and just the excitement that surrounds it. Enjoy it. And then what comes after those 9 months is just the best thing ever. Why should we miss out on such an amazing experience? We aren't bad people. We have just been unfortunate to suffer with anxiety. It doesn't mean we don't deserve the happiness being a parent brings. And i have said before that i think having anxiety can make you a more understanding, patient person. Good qualities to have as a parent.

As for me well im doing ok. Im probably still a bit hard on myself if Nathan doesn't get a decent day out. I make sure we go out walking every day, so much so that even if its raining cats and dogs i still make sure we are out, whereas a non sufferer might stay indoors that day.

Remember i used to need a bike to go everywhere? Well i seen myself replying on the pram a little. Being so used to walking about with it i felt a little unsteady when i went out myself. I let my mind work over time and it almost became an issue. But i refused to let it happen and as soon as someone was there to watch Nathan i went out walks alone again. Its a never ending battle isn't it pfffft. But we battle on.

So thanks again everyone. I cant really put into words what your comments mean. I do read them all and try to reply to them (which i always did) but since Nathan arrived I've not been so 'prompt'. And congrats again Cloudy. If you ever want to chat you know where I am. lynn_jackson@hotmail.com

Oh and i turned 30 in January too. :/

Telling your children you have agoraphobia

Hey very brief update. I am laptop-less at the moment. Mine was a bit passed it and kicked the bucket a couple of weeks ago. Time to purchase a new one but not really had a chance to have a good look for one.

Life is good. I am LOVING being a mummy. Nathan is amazing and i love him more everyday. It feels like only yesterday he was born but hes already into size 3-6 months clothes. Tomorrow we are going to our first baby massage class. I'm kind of nervous about going, as i would be with anything new like this, but i will go for him.

Which reminds me, I had to take him to the doctors for his 6 week check. I got really nervous leading up to it as it was the first time i had to take him to an appointment. I over thought it and was thinking about how i HAD to do this. If i missed this then i would miss other things. I thought about asking someone else to take him but refused to give into the nerves. I felt it was really important to start as i mean to go on and be there for my son. Plus i know the guilt would have made me feel worse than the anxiety of going would. Thankfully i took him. Nathan doesn't like the cold, and when the doctor put him on the cold scales to weigh him he went mental so i am glad i was there to soothe him.

The next day I had my own post natal check up. This time my mum watched Nathan and I went alone. I was a bit anxious again. In fact i have noticed i have been a little edgy lately but i put this down to lack of sleep. Not getting a good night sleep always affects my anxiety, so much so that in the past i obsessed over it a little. If i didn't get more than 5 hours i would talk myself into a panic. I'm over that now thankfully because these days i prob only get 2 hours sleep before i am woken up. Then another 2 hours...and that's about it. This then has a knock on effect. I'm exhausted and so by the time I have fed and clothed Nathan, got myself washed and dressed, cleaned and tidied the house, well I don't have time or energy for much else. And so i haven't been getting out and about as much as i would like. Still though I have made sure Nathan has never spent a full day indoors, for his benefit AND mine. For him, the fresh air, and for me - well i cant afford to stay indoors for days at a time cause who knows what affect this would have on me. I don't ever want to end up struggling to walk the length of myself again and so I'm aware that the battle with agoraphobia is ongoing.

The weather is awful, dull, grey and very depressing so this ain't helping. I have been out walking Nathan and wanted to push myself to walk further but I haven't really had the nerve. I always found I needed to be fresh, healthy and rested to really tackle my agoraphobia so i blame the lack of sleep for the fact i haven't pushed quite as hard. Although i am lucky in a way, since i gave birth and HAD to go to hospital, i know that I have it within myself to do things i never thought i would be able to. So when i find myself over thinking going out and doing things I tell myself to chill out.

My support worker, and many other people, told me that my anxiety would prob be much less once i had the baby. They said i would be too busy to be able to think about all that stuff. Well I don't agree really. Yeh im busy, i am UNBELIEVABLY busy! I get up around 6am and between house work, making bottles and seeing to Nathan, i really don't get a spare minute. But i still have time to think. I prob worry about going out a bit more and that's for one reason..Nathan.

I want to be there for everything possible. Ok i always said i might not be able to take him on holiday abroad for a while but i want to do everything else. Visiting relatives, going to the park, his first days at nursery, school. Nativity plays etc. I do what we all have in common. I worry about these things before they have even arrived. Its ridiculous really because Ive learned over and over again that we cant predict how we will be at certain times. In fact in the last few years I have dreaded so many things but been ok when i have eventually done them.

I guess i see many difficult obstacles in the future but i wouldn't change it for the world. Ill make all of those things and I hope Nathan will never even know about the agoraphobia. That's another point actually.. I want to protect Nathan but I also don't want to lie to him. There will be times that my anxiety is going to be an issue. Gerry will no doubt want to take Nathan to visit his family in Canada. Wont he wonder why mummy doesn't join them. I want Nathan to see me as a strong person and someone he can rely on. I grew up not knowing any of my parents problems and i suppose that's how i think it should be. Children should be allowed to have a childhood and not have to know about things like mental health until they are older. Aren't your parents meant to be strong, reliable and not have any weaknesses (at least in the eyes of a child). Am i being naive to think its possible to keep this from him until he is about 11 or 12? I know people with extreme agoraphobia have no choice but to tell their children whats wrong, I think the children would be very confused otherwise. But for someone like me, i can appear pretty 'normal'.

Ok i am off to make up more bottles and then head to bed. Hope you are all well and 2011 is being good to you so far. Ill be getting my new laptop in the next week and can keep in touch more often. x

First 2 weeks of being a Mum

So little Nathan entered the world on Tuesday night and I knew i was looking at a couple of days in hospital. I think sometimes when you have NO choice you just need to get on with things. You accept it and adjust.



We were wheeled to our ward and i tried to get some sleep but i think i only managed an hour. Before the other girls on the ward had even woke up, I was up, showered, dressed and had my MAKE UP ON! Im sure they thought i was mad. Who cares about make up at a time like that? The girl in the bed next to me who had gave birth at the same time was practically in a coma, but not me. I was buzzing about the ward, seeing to Nathan and getting some breakfast.



Fathers are allowed to visit all day so Gerry soon arrived. My appetite was back with a vengeance and I was looking to find out where I could get some lunch. Apparently there was a cafe in the next building. So off i went leaving Gerry with Nathan. I was on the 3rd floor so i made my way down the stairs and walked to the cafe. This seemed like a good idea in theory but i did regret it half way there. It was quite a tough walk in the snowy slush, in slippers... and I had 2 hills to tackle. I bought loads! With 2 heavy bags I made the trip back. I felt good at the time. Independent even. but looking back i was doing far too much too soon and should really have been resting in bed. Soon I had a rush of visitors which was lovely and between them and the midwives constantly popping in, the day flew by. Gerry left at 9pm and i went to bed. Well sleep wouldn't come very easily and I think i only managed about 2 hours.



I kept looking over at Nathan in his little crib and I just felt really strange. I couldn't get my head around the fact that he was mine. I made him. It just didn't seem real at all. He didn't look like me really, not what I expected my child to look like. But i think it was more to do with the labour. In my head giving birth was all about pain. Pushing, puffing, panting and in the end this little baby coming. But i think my problem was (without being too graphic) because i didn't actually FEEL Nathan come out, it just wasn't gelling in my head. Throughout my whole pregnancy my tummy grew but even then i couldn't actually believe there was a baby inside me. I thought when he was born it would all just click. But it didn't. This sounds weird and some of you might even think its something to be concerned about. It wasn't like that. I loved him immediately and mothered him the way nature intends. But it definitely took a while to get my head around.



Lying in bed that night I decided it was time to go home. I was fine, Nathan was fine. I wanted to get home to my own surroundings and home comforts. Only problem was I wasn't sure that the hospital would agree. The thought of spending another day in hospital was ok, but to be told I COULDN'T leave wasn't something i was ok with. I was ready to go. When an agoraphobic is ready to leave... well... we know that feeling, the sense of urgency.



As soon as the midwife made her first visit i was on her case. 'Can i go home today'?? I was told that if the paediatrician gave Nathan the all clear we could go. I got on the phone to Gerry who wasn't allowed on the ward till 12.30 and told him we were getting out, come pick us up. At 10am he arrived on the ward armed with the car seat. I'm sure if he had been spotted he would have been asked to leave but i managed to hide him in a corner till visiting was allowed. Again the midwives visited and i was checked over. Each time i asked again 'can i go yet'. I should have just relaxed but i got myself quite stressed about it. We were warned of more bad weather and there was no way I was going to be stranded in the hospital due to the roads being so dangerous. I looked out the window and seen the snow start, RIGHT as i was having my blood pressure taken. No surprise I was told my heart rate was again a little too quick but i explained it was just nerves and had them re-take it in 5 minutes. Thankfully it had gone down. I packed my case and was literally sitting on the bed with Nathan in his car seat and me with my jacket on just waiting for the go ahead to leave. The girls on the ward did ask why i was in such a rush but i just made up some excuse about wanting a bath (i didn't know there was one on my ward). I really don't know how i would have reacted had they told me i was to stay again. Thankfully that never happened and I was allowed to go.



Ok new stress now. The journey home with this little baby. Gerry and I had our first fight seconds after leaving the hospital while trying to get the car seat in the car. I hadn't really slept since Sunday night, not properly anyway. This was now Thursday. I had impressed everyone on the ward with my get up and go but it was clear i had been running on adrenalin and i knew that i was going to crash eventually. And so as we struggled with the car seat I could feel myself ready to crack. 'Just get home and everything will be ok'



We drove home in strained silence and made our way to the flat. As soon as we walked in the door BOOM!!!! I lost it. I put Nathan down and I looked at him and felt filled with fear. Who was this little guy? Hes mine?? That cant be right. I haven't just had a baby. What if I'm rubbish at this. What if I cant cope. What if I let him down. This house is a mess. I need to get organised. I cant settle in this disorder. Wheres Nathans pram Gerry.



I ranted and raved and my head was spinning. I was SCREAMING at Gerry at this point. And instead of him being psychic and maybe realising my hormones were all over the place and i was just panicking, he fought back, which obviously didn't help. I asked him to fetch me things and he refused. If he had just went along with it, i might have been ok. But instead he stood his ground which made me even worse. Why isn't he helping me? This isn't going to work. To be fair i wasn't just shouting. I was hysterical. I was in tears and really I looked like I had lost the plot. And not only was I scaring Gerry but I was scaring myself. The responsibility of this little baby had hit me like a ton of bricks and i just didn't think I was up to the job. But what choice did I have? He is my son so i cant just give him back. I cant run away from it because number 1 - I would never forgive myself and number 2 - I didn't want to! But i was still terrified and freaking out. I was imagining the worst really instead of just taking each day as it came. I was visualising panic attacks and madness and being house bound and this poor baby suffering. In the end i had to call my mum. My poor mother. She must have been worried but she made her way to my house and tried to get me to sit down and relax. I couldn't though, i needed everything in order. I assembled his pram, put it in its place, i unpacked gifts, took the bins out, sorted out his clothes and then finally I sat down and had a cup of tea. With the house spotless and everything in its place my head started to seem clearer. Ok,i just had to get through this one night and take it from there. In a weeks time i will be in some sort of routine and this wont be so damn scary.



Nathan is such an easy baby at times and luckily he slept all day and night in between feeds. I think I needed it that night. Had he been hard work I might have panicked, but he was great and I was able to settle in.



The next few days are a blur of visitors and still no sleep. I'm breast feeding the little one and have been told to feed on demand. He is a hungry little guy so I get woken up at all hours. I used to really struggle with lack of sleep and would get really anxious if i didn't get at least 6 hours! but now i never get that and I don't mind. Like i said earlier, when you have no choice you just need to adapt.



Next issue. We needed to register Nathans birth. Pfffft i thought i was off the hook for a while and could just enjoy my baby. I didn't think i would be fighting my agoraphobia for a while. Registering him required travelling out of my comfort zone. My first thought was, Gerry can go do it. but when i looked into it I discovered that I HAD to be there! I did actually put it off for a couple of days, don't tell Gerry. I told him the office was too busy and i couldn't get an appointment but i knew it had to be done eventually. The weather on the day was awful. The place was covered in snow but worse we had thick fog. I have said before i am NOT fan of fog. It makes me very anxious and claustrophobic. I know i couldn't cancel though as Gerry would go nuts. I didn't want to take Nathan out in that weather though so my mum came to sit with him while we were out. I wont lie, it was hard this time. The registry office was somewhere that I haven't been in a long time, and if i DID go there in the past it would be with me driving. But this time Gerry was the driver and I sat there in the passenger seat sweating. Every set of traffic lights we came to turned red and my anxiety climbed the charts. There were definitely a few moments when that urgent feeling came over me and I wanted to shout OK TURN THE CAR AROUND AND TAKE ME BACK. But i fought it. 'Remember this will pass'. We got to the office and I still struggled. I asked the women on the reception if we could be seen asap as i was feeling sick, but I was told there was someone else before me. The anxiety came in waves and i tried to distract myself in many ways. I had visions of me running out screaming. Or running into the room and ranting 'OK IM LYNN THIS IS GERRY THE BABY IS NATHAN FILL OUT THE FORMS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE AS I NEED TO LEAVE GO GO GO GO GO' Finally the person in front left and we were seen. Slowly my anxiety reduced phew!



The days have passed so quickly and as I write this Nathan will turn 2 weeks old. How has it really been? Has it been as hard as everyone describes.. Well truthfully and as i say this i touch wood, but no. I love it. We quickly got into a routine and although there are still sleepless nights I don't mind. If we have a bad night we curl up together on the sofa during the day and have a little nap together. I breast feed so i don't have the hassle of constantly making up formula or sterilising bottles. Nathan can sleep for HOURS and so I'm able to do my house work. Our families totally dote on him and we go visiting. I'm a dab hand at changing nappies etc. I love that Nathan knows my voice and no one can settle him as quickly as I can. How he seems content when i am near. The hard part for me has been health issues. He does this thing that i REALLY appreciate where he holds his breath and goes a lovely shade of purple. As you can imagine this sends me into a panic and although outwardly I'm all calm and just pat his back and make cooing noises...inside i am screaming and visualising running into my neighbours house holding a sick baby asking if she knows mouth to mouth. But the more he does it, the more used to it I am and i don't freak so much anymore.



The final issue only happened yesterday and this was a hard one for me. We had been invited to Gerry's parents for lunch. This was going to be a challenge for me but i accepted it as I want Nathan and I out doing things together. I wont let agoraphobia affect going out with my son (well within reason). But I had a sleepless night previously AND had a bit of a dodgy tummy. You know sometimes when something is just beyond you. Like one day you need to go to the supermarket and although it scares you, you go and you struggle through it. But other days you might need to go but you just know its not the right time and your bound to feel terrible. Well I was having one of those days. I didn't want to panic but more importantly i didn't want to panic in front of Nathan. Ok he may be too young to understand but I didn't want to take the chance, knowing that if i DID panic in front of him it would probably only make me more upset. So, all day i dreaded telling Gerry and when i did he was not a happy bunny. I also knew his parents were very excited to have Nathan over. How could I let everyone down? In my head I knew the sensible solution was for Gerry to go and to take Nathan with him. But in my heart I didn't think it was possible. I didn't want to be apart from my baby. I couldn't tell Gerry that i wasn't allowing him to take his son out. I couldn't deprive his parents of seeing their grandson.



So Gerry got Nathan into his car seat. Uh oh this was a bad idea. I felt physically sick and i started sobbing! He was only going to be about a 20 minute drive away but to me it was too far. I imagined Nathan crying for me and me not being there. Or i imagined me having a panic attack and not being able to make it stop until my son was home. I tried to hold it together. I know its only because Nathan is so new and that in time ill be grateful for someone taking him away and giving me a break for a while. But it was just too soon! This will be good for Nathan, he will enjoy it etc etc but suddenly i was really upset and asked Gerry not to take him through my tears. He simply said 'we are going visiting' and walked out the house.



Well i was a mess! I had to phone my mum and with every minute i was aware Nathan was getting further and further away from me. She told me to enjoy the rest and assured me Nathan would be fine. but I couldn't rest. I attacked my house in a cleaning frenzy as a distraction. Floors were swept and mopped, washings done, hoovering done, dishes washed. I ran myself a bath and by the time Gerry came home I had done so much housework i hadn't even managed to have my bath. 3 hours I passed. The longest 3 hours ever!!



And so i know this is going to be a battle. Today Gerry and I argued and he through his favourite insult in my face. The one he thinks will get a rise out of me. 'You never go out' or 'You cant leave the house'. This REALLY pisses me off because, well i CAN go out, but also hes touching a nerve and making it all an issue again. How cruel. and how horrible to dismiss all my hard work and achievements. Maybe the old me couldn't go out but now i do, and look at me trying to justify myself. He shouldn't say it just cause its not very nice!



Anyway that's been my first 2 weeks as a mummy and apart from these anxious moments i am loving every minute. And in a way I have even loved the anxious parts because i tell myself that every time i over come one of these it makes me a bit stronger. That was definitely how i dealt with Nathan being away, telling myself that it was something i needed to get used to and something that would get easier. Next up, New Year. Whats everyones plans. I think we should vow that 2011 is going to be a good one. For me 2010 has been one to remember!